#quiet support

Lowering your self-punishment by looking away from the girl who was, if you were being completely honest, overtly flirting with Spencer, you looked at Derek. 

“I can’t because…I know her.”

“Okay,” he nodded. “How?”

You took a long breath before looking back at the slow killing image. “Because she’s my friend.”

Although you didn’t see her all that much since getting your BA graduation caps, she was still your friend – arguably the closest you had outside of work. Because of your work, it was rare you saw one another. 

So, when she told you over a 9am facetime call that she was in the city, you gave in to her offer to let you show her around where you work and the people you keep “running off with every time I want to talk.”

Derek watched you for a few moments. “Introduce me? Use me as your excuse.”

A small chuckle left you, before you could stop it. “Are you sure you want that?”

“She’s your friend,” Derek pointed out. 

A wave of guilt washed over you. Right. 

“Yes, sorry. I’m sorry, you’re right. Come with me.” Taking Morgan by the arm, you pulled him with you. 

Silently, in your head, you said a short prayer: God, please don’t let this be painful.

As you introduced Morgan, your friend made brief eye contact with you as she looked Morgan up and down. He was a gentleman and got the conversation flowing. 

Then, as Spencer looked at you with a smile and asked what happened to your pencil, your friend talked over your answer to ask Morgan what his workout routine was. 

You heard her laugh. “I’ve tried getting this one to join me in the gym,” she said, waggling her finger over your body. “Especially since she’s an Agent. You have to be fit, right?”

Morgan stalled for a long time. “Uhh, I guess. But Y/n is-”

You looked at Morgan and shook your head. “It’s fine,” you said, quietly. 

It was at that moment, Morgan understood why you’d asked him if he was sure he wanted to be introduced to your friend. Because, without a second thought, she moved off topic and, if the conversation did manage to include you, she wasn’t exactly outwardly supportive. 

“Please tell me you’re kidding,” Penelope practically begged. 

Derek shook his head. “I wish I was,” he said.

Penelope laid a hand over her heart. “I try to be nice to everybody, but-” Penelope bit her lip. “I knew she wasn’t a nice person. I haven't seen Y/n in a while. Is she okay?”

Derek nodded. “As far as I can tell. Which worries me.”

Penelope sighed. “How long have they been friends for?”

“Freshman year of Y/n’s BA,” Derek said. “They studied different things, so weren’t in the same classes. Met during a social night, I think.” Derek sighed. “Honestly, I don’t know the difference between what she was telling me about herself, and what she was telling me about when she met Y/n.”

Derek and Penelope didn’t have much longer to talk about you and your friend that had said her goodbyes forty minutes ago because, just as the elevator opened, she stepped off, carrying a brown paper bag and a carrier of different drinks. 

“Derek!” She called, with as much enthusiasm that would be socially acceptable for someone that had known him for a year or more. “Here you go.”

She handed him a paper coffee cup of something rich and caffeinated. 

“I noticed Y/n stocking the break out room,” she said. “She’s never had the best taste for coffees. Thankfully, I know a thing or two.”

Then she turned to Penelope and introduced herself. And, despite having a lot of knowledge that she could share a decent conversation with Penelope to make her like her, an alarm was sounding in Penelope’s head. 

Then she waltzed into the bull-pen, handing out different coffees to the team who all politely said thank you, despite the coffee she’d brought for them all wasn’t exactly their typical order. 

You heard her laugh as she laid the pastries on your desk, on top of your unfinished paperwork. 

“This profiling is pretty easy,” Derek and Penelope heard her say as she looked at you. “No wonder you’re so good at it.”

Now that was a backhanded compliment if Penelope had ever heard one. 

You just sighed. “Thanks.”

“I got you your favourite pastry,” she smiled before laying it in front of you. 

From behind her, Spencer could see your hidden frustration at her carelessness. Crumbs across your desk and paperwork, your personal space too enclosed. 

“Thank you,” you managed to smile. 

“They didn’t have the regular one, though.” She clarified. “They had a low-fat version, so I got you that. The upside is; it’s healthier.”

You managed another smile, with a polite nod. “Yeah.”

“So,” she turned around with a bright smile. “Did anything big happen? Y/n always sounds so dramatic when I call her.”

There was a general consensus amongst the team, not to delve into a lot of information. When she finally got the memo, she immediately turned to Spencer. 

“If you’re not busy, maybe we could continue that conversation from earlier? If I wasn’t doing my job now, I’d probably be studying quantum physics.”

Spencer stalled for a long time, looking at the rest of the team for an interception. Then he looked at you. 

“Wouldn’t you rather stay with Y/n? You haven’t seen each other in-”

Your friend shrugged. “I’m sure Y/n can survive without me for a little while.”

You didn’t want to throw her in his direction to begin with, but you had paperwork due and the clear goodbye you’d given her earlier hadn’t worked. 

So, after weighing up your options, you reluctantly nodded. “It’s okay, Reid.”

“See!” 

A wave of nausea crawled up your throat as you watched her try her best sultry walk as she hurried in front of him and towards his desk. 

“Hey.” You turned your head, seeing JJ standing beside you. “You okay?”

You seemed more tired than usual. Like you could have fallen into a coma right then and there. 

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just…had a long night, that’s all.”

You knew JJ didn’t believe a word you said, but she let it slide. 

For now. 

“Okay,” she nodded. “Well, just give me a signal and I’ll be your alibi.”

You chuckled, holding the hand she placed on your shoulder. “Thanks, JJ.”

Despite the hole you wanted to burn into the slow killing image that was taking place by Spencer’s desk, you forced yourself to focus on the paperwork. 

Thankfully, by the time you looked up again, Spencer was alone at his desk. Which, at first, gave you relief. 

And then sudden dread. 

So, locking your desktop, you went in search of your friend. And you found her. Eventually. 

She was sitting inside of JJ’s office, laughing as she told JJ, Penelope and Emily a story. 

For a second, you stayed back before knocking on the door twice and opening it up. 

“Hey!” She beamed brightly, looking at you. 

Meanwhile, JJ was silently trying to say something as she looked at you. 

“Hey,” you smiled, back. “What’s…what’s going on in here?”

Your friend blushed, brightly. “Just some girl-talk.”

“Oh.”

“Come and join us!” Emily smiled, reaching for your hand and pulling you inside. 

You chuckled a little. “What’s going on?”

Your stomach dropped at the next sentence. And then some more when you saw Penelope’s face. She wasn’t beaming brightly, like she did when Derek brought her to a kitten sanctuary for her birthday. She was smiling, but there was something more to the look in her eyes. 

Concern? Fear, maybe? Judgement?

“A little birdie told us you have a crush on someone.”

Your eyes landed directly on your friend. “What?”

But she just giggled. 

You felt a rise of panic in your chest. What the hell had she said? Oh, fuck.

JJ rolled her lips as she settled her interconnected hands on her desk. “More specifically…Spence.”

“Oh, god.”

The sound of your friend’s giggling was making your anxiety crawl from your stomach, to your spine and up towards your neck. 

“What did you say?” You asked, quickly. 

Your friend simply held out her hands as if to say ‘see what I mean’. “No need to get so hostile.”

“This isn’t hostile,” you spoke out. “What did you say?”

Your friend rolled her eyes. “Oh, come on, it’s just a laugh. I haven’t told him.”

Emily, holding onto your hand, plastered a smile on her face. “Why didn’t you tell us?”

“Because–” You tried to find the words. “There’s nothing to tell.”

Again, your friend laughed. “You’ve got a crush!”

You called out her name, but she just settled into her laughter. “Relax! I’m not gonna say anything to him. You’re not his type anyway.”

Your friend didn’t notice it, but the room suddenly dropped into silence. You didn’t know how to respond. 

It was one thing to tell yourself that. But it was a whole other to hear someone who called themselves your ‘best friend’ say it. 

Emily managed to laugh. “How would you know?”

“Because I can see it,” your friend said with full confidence. “Y/n, you know I love you and whoever is left to get you will be lucky. But Spencer…”

She said his name so dreamily, it made your stomach churn. The only thing that stopped you from physically throwing up was the small squeeze you felt in your hand from Emily. 

“Spencer needs someone…smart.”

You looked at her. But clearly, she didn’t see the expression on your face. Or the expressions on your friend’s faces. 

“Smart, like him.” Your friend, corrected. 

JJ raised her brow a little. “And you think that’s you?” 

She asked it innocently enough, but you knew what she was asking. 

Your friend shrugged. “I could be. I mean, we have more in common than him and Y/n have. You’re a great friend for him,” she said as she looked at you. “But you’re just missing that…feminine quality he needs. To help balance him out, you know.”

It wasn’t the first time you’d heard something like that from her, but it was the first time it felt like a boxing punch to your gut, not just a pathetic attempt. 

You didn’t know how to respond. And neither did any of the others. 

Then from the door was a sudden knock. 

“I need to see you all in the bullpen,” Hotch commanded. “Now. We’ve got a case.”

You could have kissed the ground he walked on.

Meanwhile, your friend stood from the chair she was sitting in. “Should I-”

Hotch looked at her. “I will have someone escort you out. Y/l/n, you’re with me.”

Leaving without saying goodbye, Hotch waited for you before you both hurried down the hallway and towards the bull-pen. 

“What’s going on?”

“Not that you needed help looking badass,” Hotch clarified. “You’re a highly valued member of my team and your skill set considers you over-qualified for just being a Special Agent.”

You nodded. “So does the rest of the team.”

Hotch nodded. “Yes. But clearly your friend can’t open her eyes wider than that pocket mirror or hers, in order to see it.”

You stopped in your tracks, a little in shock. “Are you telling me…”

For a brief moment, you saw a slight smirk appear on Hotch’s face. 

“That I just told a lie to make an appearance that put your friend in her place? And gave her a security removal?” Hotch nodded, just a little. “Yes.”

Surprisingly enough, you felt like you could breathe a little easier. “How did you-”

“Garcia texted Derek ‘911’. I was there. He told me.”

Hotch made it sound like his conclusion to help you and the girls out was so simple. But, inside, it meant everything. 

“Thank you,” you told him, quietly. “I really mean that.”

“You’re welcome. But some words of advice?” 

You nodded, already knowing what you were about to hear. 

“Get some better friends,” he told you. “I don’t have many myself, but I’d say it was a pretty good guess that friends don’t talk about each other like that.”

“You heard that?”

Hotch shrugged. “I heard enough. Now walk inside with me and pretend we have a huge case.”

Although it was small and a little petty, you felt relief. And once Hotch sent you an email to your desktop, you managed to take a full breath and relax into your seat. 

Your friend had been removed from the building without a fuss and her visitors badge had expired so now, all you had to do was deal with her outside of work. 

A few more peaceful hours passed. 

You finished the rest of your crumb-free paperwork and drank the slightly crappy coffee from the breakroom that oddly brought you comfort. And you laid in your office chair, staring at the ceiling as the entire day ran through your mind over and over again. 

You wanted to apologise, and keep apologising to the rest of your team for putting them through getting to know your friend. 

You’d caught Spencer’s uneasiness as she very clearly flirted with him. You’d seen the worried and slightly judgemental look in Penelope’s eyes. Derek’s mother had raised him with manners, so you saw him pace himself through the incredibly rich coffee and talk through her workout methods. 

Thankfully, Rossi was taking a reluctant two weeks off work so hadn’t been forced to sit through a conversation about the amount of languages she knew. Or how she would have probably tried to correct Rossi’s Italian. 

You hadn’t seen much of what JJ and Emily had been put through; but you worried about it no less than the rest. 

And after the third round of Question Time: Was your friend right in what she said?, you came to the conclusion that you didn’t have an answer. 

Not a simple one, at least. 

And, after everything, you just really needed a hug. 

“Is everything okay over here?” 

You didn’t move; just simply swivelled your chair in Spencer’s direction. 

“You look like you’re having an existential crisis. Should I be worried?”

You tried to laugh. “No. Probably not.”

“Are you sure?”

“No,” you admitted. “But, it could just be me being dramatic.”

Spencer nodded, and for a few moments, there was complete silence. Nothing but dead air between yourself and Spencer. 

“So…” He said, breaking it. “Your friend.”

You nodded. “My friend.”

“She’s…” 

Spencer Reid – the same guy that owned almost every version of the dictionary – struggled to find a word. 

“A lot.” 

That was what he settled on, and you couldn’t help but laugh a little. “Yeah.”

Spencer swallowed. “Garcia texted Derek earlier…911? I tried asking JJ but she didn’t want to tell me anything. So I’m hoping you will.”

You sighed. “Spence.”

“Did she say something about you again?” You looked at Spencer who just gave you a knowing look. “I heard the comments she made earlier, in front of Morgan. It’s easier said than done, but you shouldn’t listen to her. You’re beautiful, Y/n. Just the way you are. And far more capable than she’s able to see.”

A faint smile came to your face as you tried to keep the ball of tears in your chest at bay. “Thanks, Reid.”

“I mean it,” he pressed. “I hate bullies. Even more so when they try to convince you that they’re your friend.”

You took a breath, trying to laugh about the situation. “If I’m being honest, it’s not the first time it’s happened.”

Spencer nodded, slowly, as he took a seat at your desk. Meanwhile, he laid his satchel down at the side of your desk and just focused on you. 

“When,” you took a breath. “When we were in Freshman year of College, I had this crush on a guy in our society. Funny enough, his name was actually Derek. But the complete opposite of ours.” You smiled, fondly, on the memory. 

“He was tall, and handsome. He wore glasses and had spent an entire month reading only female authors because he didn’t like that there were only two on our suggested reading lists for the society,” you explained to Spencer. But, just as you seemed happy, your expression contorted into something else. 

As if you were watching the memory darken right in front of you. 

“It had taken me weeks to work up the courage to ask him out. I was still a little on the fence about it, so I asked for her help. Wanna know what she did?”

Spencer was worried, but nodded anyway. 

“She, in front of the group, started talking about how much the guy in her novel was so much like him. Tall, smart, cute. And then she pointed out that her MMC wouldn’t really suit someone who wasn’t like his clear MFC, who was the epitome of sunshine and goodness, with a little flirt in her blood since she had a sultry walk.”

Again, you took a breath, unable to look at Spencer as you recounted the memory. “I was crushed. But a week later, I found out he had a girlfriend who was…exactly like that. I felt awful for having a crush, since he had a girlfriend. But I put it away and…found myself agreeing with her analysis of the book.”

It was like you opened up the flood gates to a part of your life you didn’t like to talk about. But Spencer didn’t judge, or cut in, or swap the conversation back to him. He didn’t even say the words ‘I’d rather you not tell me’. 

Instead, he listened. 

He listened as you recounted the times your friend had talked you out of a date, or convinced you that you weren’t someone’s type. He listened as you told him of the times when she’d given you the silent treatment after you had received a slightly higher score in your mid-terms than her, despite the fact the tests were completely different and weren’t even for the same degree. 

He listened as you told him she’d asked you if you could skip your graduation walk in order to attend hers before she realised they were being held on the same day, at just slightly different times. 

He listened as you told him of the missed calls, unlistened voice notes and forgotten about messages; whilst all of hers had received a reply in some way or form. 

He listened as you mentioned about the times you’d had a difficult time after a couple cases and, rather than sit with you over facetime, she’d asked you not to talk about it because she had already had a long day and really needed to vent about her work. 

The list became endless. 

“I think today took the cake, though,” you admitted. “We were all talking in JJ’s office and…she told me not only am I not smart enough, but I’m also not feminine enough, for someone I like. She’s known I’ve liked him for…well, a long time. And not only have I had to sit through watching her flirt with him, but now-” 

Suddenly, you felt that ball of anxiety and overwhelming amount of emotion surge in your chest and get caught in your throat, whilst your eyes stung with unshed tears. 

Pinching the bridge of your nose, you tried to calm yourself. 

“I’m sorry,” you choked out. “This is so–this is so stupid.”

Spencer shook his head. “No,” he said, his voice soft. “No, it’s not. Come here.”

Taking your hand, Spencer pulled you from your seat and straight into his arms. As he held you, you cried. 

You cried for the times you didn’t cry, the times you wanted to, the times you should have broken out into a fit of rage and screamed, the times you should have left the friendship in the dust, the times you almost did. 

But mostly you cried…because it hurt. 

And the thought of ending the friendship…didn’t.