#questioning character

Reflections: This was quite a snappy, fast-paced book interspersing the narration with text messages and chat logs. It kept the tension high throughout the beginning and middle. The way the internet and the videos allowed the ghost to operate in an altered reality that let it invade and violate any space (or any person) with a connection destroyed any sense of safety. That worked especially well with the main character whose fear had already cut her off and locked away. Her safe space became her trap; her escape mechanism left her powerless but to watch. I was a little worried that the story would get too caught up on rote ideas of how the internet is rotting our brains – making us callous, feeding unhealthy parasocial relationships, killing our ability to form ‘real’ relationships or socialize – and get overly preachy.  Teresa worries about her motives in continuing to post about everything as people are actually suffering and dying – she wants to help and doesn't know how else she can, but she also gets a thrill from seeing the views tick higher and gaining recognition. Typically the chat and the messages Teresa gets heavily show off some of the worst behaviors of the common social media user. And the ghost, when we learn more about them, is a bit of a played-out stereotype of a certain type of person online. Mostly I don’t think it went too far with that though your mileage may vary. The internet also gives Teresa a place to explore her identity – bringing forward different parts of her personality, experimenting with her gender identity and expression – and connects her with genuine friends when her mental illness makes that impossible in person. 

Towards the end, the story did start to lose some momentum. The strong atmosphere of dread and claustrophobia maintained throughout most of the book gave way to more direct conflict with the antagonist and a type of horror that didn’t match as well with what had been building up. That last confrontation, everything that was happening inside of Teresa’s mind, the body horror elements, they were unpleasant but distanced. They didn’t fit with the limitations and fears that defined Teresa’s character or the themes relating to internet culture that defined much of the book and heightened horror elements up to that point. 

The very ending was also an interesting choice, both with regards to how it left Teresa and the ghost. I’m not totally sure how to feel, good or bad. Maybe it deserved more time, maybe I just need to embrace the open-endedness. 

    His protests caught Alec’s attention and he gave Susan a comforting smile. “Need some assistance, Susan?”

    “No, thank you, my lord.” Susan shuffled Teddy up the stairs as quickly as possible.

    Once in the nursery, Susan greeted the Osborne’s nanny Cara.

    “Good morning, ma’am.” Cara stooped down. “And how are you, Master Theodore?”

    “Theodore’s only when I’m in trouble.” Teddy pouted.

    Susan smoothed a hand over his hair. “He’s tired.”

    Cara nodded. “I have a place for you to lay your head, dear boy.” She held out her hand.

    Teddy held tight to Susan’s hand. “Don’t want to go with her. I’m hungry, Suzie.”

    Susan sighed and knelt in front of him. “Darling, I promise you that I will have someone bring you something to eat. But I need you to go with Cara and get some sleep. You were up half the night and then we had to get up early. Please, my love.”

    Teddy huffed. “Yes, ma’am.” He turned to Cara. “Where do I go?”

    “Be kind, my darling.” Susan kissed the top of Teddy’s head.

    Cara took Teddy’s hand. “Will you wait just a moment, ma’am?”

    Susan nodded, but looked toward the door. She really needed to rejoin the wedding festivities. She watched anxiously as Cara helped Teddy remove his shoes and coat before getting into a waiting bed. She came over to Susan as soon as Teddy was settled.

    Cara pulled her away a few feet. “I don’t mean to overstep, Miss Wright, but if you are in need of a nanny, I can compile a list for you.”

    Susan smiled and felt her chest lighten. “I would very much appreciate that. Thank you.” She looked over to Teddy and saw he was already fast asleep. “Bartholomew and Olivia should be up with the rest of the children soon. Thank you so much for all you do.”

    “It is my job, ma’am.” Cara smiled and went to attend to Alec’s baby across the room.

    Susan encountered Anthony on the steps escorting the rest of the children.

    He grabbed her hand. “Wait for me here.”

    She squeezed his hand and nodded. She watched Anthony step into the nursery and nodded at his siblings as they brought their children in after him.

    Anthony stepped back out and came up close to Susan. He took her face between his hands and kissed her forehead.

    She smiled. “I would prefer a proper kiss.”

    He kissed the tip of her nose.

    She giggled. “A little lower and you’ll have it right.”

    His lips met hers briefly. “I had to go in search of your oldest just now. He snuck a book into his coat and found a very secluded spot to read. Missed seeing Naomi and Reginald’s entrance.” His hands dropped down to her shoulders and slid down the length of her arms.

    “I checked him over before we left, but he must have picked it up when I was distracted by the other two.” She kissed his hands and let them go. “Teddy was giving me a very hard time.”

    “I saw.” He held out his arm for her to take and started for the stairs. “It was a beautiful service, was it not?”

    “Gorgeous. Will ours be the same?”

    “Do you want it that lavish? I personally would prefer to make it a little more subdued.”

    “I still haven’t decided.”

    Anthony laughed. “We only have a few more months.”

    “Yes, I know. But with you, I think anything is possible.” She looked up at him. “You want it lavish, just like your sister’s.”

    “I do. Jess and Alec married quickly. Athena had a big wedding and then her first husband died, so she didn’t want another large wedding. I’m the fourth to get married. I think my parents are expecting a big to-do.”

    “I don’t think my inheritance will allow for anything too large.”

    They stopped at the first landing. There were so many people. Susan didn’t recognize more than Anthony’s family.

    “That is a lot of people.” Anthony observed.

    “Too many people.” Susan looked up at him. “I want just your family. We can still do it up big with fewer guests.”

    He smiled and leaned close. “My siblings will be teasing me relentlessly if there is no one else around.”

    “I know you dislike it, but I have never had that experience and I love seeing it.”

    He brought her hand to his lips. “Then just my family and I will endure the jabs from my brothers and sisters for you.”

****

    Zoe stood alone off to the side. The party was starting to wind down. She was ready to go up to her room, take off the dress and sleep for three or four days.

    Susan was across the room dancing with Alec. He was making her laugh. Zoe loved Susan’s laugh. It was such a shame that there were too many people between them for her to hear it clearly. Still, she could hear the last musical notes of it.

    When the song was over, Wulfric stepped up onto the dais. “I want to thank you all for coming today to celebrate my beautiful daughter and her new husband. We have one more set. Please, find your desired partner and enjoy.” He stepped down and took Sarah’s hand to pull her into the next dance.

    It was a waltz. Zoe loved a waltz. She looked around, but no one seemed to be available to dance with her. She crossed her arms and leaned back against the wall as the music started.

    Anthony pulled Susan into the floor and Zoe was awash with jealousy. She would never be able to hold Susan like that in a crowd. She would never be able to lean in and whisper in her ear the way Anthony was doing now. And she knew he had been staying with her at least one night a week, sometimes more.

    There was a tap on her shoulder and she turned to see a young man standing there. She recognized him as Reginald’s younger brother. What was his name again?

    “Lady Zoe, might I have the pleasure of your company on the dance floor?” He asked. He had a kind smile at least.

    She considered refusing, but she really did like to dance the waltz. She nodded and placed her hand in his outstretched one.

    He twirled her out onto the dance floor. He was very confident and competent in his steps. He didn’t speak to her. Not a single word.

    And then the song was over. He bowed over her hand. It was then she remembered his name.

    “Thank you very much, Lord Nigel.” Zoe smiled when he kissed her hand.

    “Might I pay you a call sometime?” Nigel asked.

    “Yes, that would be lovely.” He kissed her hand again and he walked away.

    She flexed her hand. She would not like to have a man paying a call. But she needed to. She needed to keep up appearances.

    Susan came over and looped her arm through Zoe’s. “Who was that handsome gentleman?”

    Zoe rolled her eyes. “Reginald’s brother. He wants to call on me. I suppose it won’t hurt.”

    “No, I don’t suppose it will.” Susan leaned close. “As it is so late and the children are all sleeping, your parents have offered me a room for the night.”

    Zoe grinned. “That’s very kind of them.” She pulled Susan into a dark corner and leaned close to her ear to whisper, “Would you like me to come to your room?”

    “If you wish it.”

    They had done nothing more than steal a few short kisses in secret. Zoe had been craving more, but there was no way for her to get it just yet. And Susan had told her on many occasions that she wanted to take that bit very slow the first time.

    “Then I will see you later.” Zoe gave Susan a swift kiss on the cheek before she skipped away.

    Zoe bid everyone goodnight and headed toward her room. Anthony stopped her at the foot of the stairs.

    He stood close and spoke softly. “Mama is putting Susan in the room beside yours. Be careful. Be quiet. And don’t fall asleep in there.” He walked around her up the stairs to his own room.

    Zoe looked after him. Was that jealousy in his voice? Anger? Was he just tired? Anthony pretended to like crowds and attention, but she noticed he usually spent a lot of time alone the day following any gathering of more than half a dozen people.

    She ran up the stairs after him. “Hey!”

    He stopped and turned to wait for her to meet him on the stairs.

    “If you want to go to her room—”

    Anthony held up his hand and looked around. “I’ve had her enough for now. When you live with us, if this business is still going on, we’ll have to figure something else out.”

    “Had her enough? That’s not a very kind way of putting it.” Zoe crossed her arms.

    Anthony sighed and leaned against the rail. “I didn’t mean it to sound that way.” He looked over his shoulder. Susan was still talking with their parents in the drawing room. He could just barely see them from the angle. “All of this is different and new for the three of us.” He looked up. “You’re my sister. She’s my very good friend. And I am a man who has been hiding my true self from everyone. I don’t want any of us to get hurt. I’ve gone through enough. And so has she. So, we will just go along as best we can.” He reached out and squeezed Zoe’s shoulder. “Be careful.”

    He walked away again.

    Zoe wasn’t sure what it all meant. She knew Susan’s maid had been her lover and decided to stay behind after the inheritance. And Anthony never had admitted to her aloud before, only alluded. It’s why Zoe felt comfortable enough to tell him about her feelings for Susan.

    Zoe rang for her maid and changed for bed. And then she waited. She listened as the rest of her family made their way to their rooms.

    She heard Susan, Alec, and Jess walk past talking about their children.

    “This one will be yours,” she heard Alec say. “Jess can help you find your way back once we’ve finished in the nursery.”

    Zoe walked over to the door and listened. She didn’t hear anyone else in the hall. She opened the door and peered out into the darkness. No one was in sight.

    It only took her a moment to decide to sneak into the room Susan would be occupying for the night. She waited for what felt like an hour. Eventually she heard soft voices again outside the door. This time it was Jess and Susan.

    Jess was speaking, “Sarah says she asked they assign a maid to help you. A nightgown will be found for your use. Just ring the bell.”

    “Thank you, Jess.” There was a pause. “I appreciate everything.”

    “We take care of every member of this family no matter what.”

    “It will take some getting used to for me. I don’t know how to rely on other people.” Susan bid one more goodnight and then stepped into the room. And jumped as soon as she saw Zoe standing in front of her. She covered her mouth to muffle the scream that escaped.

    “Sorry.” Zoe laughed. “I couldn’t stand to be in my room waiting on you another moment.”

    Susan put her hand to her heart and sat on the side of the bed. “Teddy woke from a nightmare and was a struggle to get him back to sleep.”

    “Does he often have nightmares?” Zoe sat beside her.

    “At least once a week. I think the loss of so many of his relatives leaves a mark internally.” Susan wrapped an arm around Zoe’s waist. “I would love for you to stay, but I have to ring for a maid.”

    “I can hide under the bed while you change.” Zoe offered.

    Susan snorted. “Whatever you wish.” She pressed a kiss to Zoe’s cheek. She pulled away and then gave another series of kisses across Zoe’s jaw and down her neck. Susan’s lips made the journey backward and paused just before Zoe’s lips.

    “Please take my mouth.” Zoe breathed.

    “Not yet.” Susan stood and rang the bell. “If you’re hiding, you better do it. I do most of my changing on my own, so this will be quick.”

    Zoe made her way to the toilet across the room and shut the door most of the way. She stared out though the cracked door as a maid arrived. It was her maid. That infuriating French accent floated over Zoe’s ears and sent heat through her body. She wondered if it did the same thing to Susan.

    The pair stood talking for a moment after Susan was changed. Zoe had to stifle a groan as the conversation continued. Susan looked in her direction and seemed to sense it. She escorted the maid to the door and bid her a goodnight.

    Zoe threw the door open. “About damn time.”

    Susan chuckled. “I apologize. I couldn’t get enough of hearing her talk.”

    “Oh, believe me, I completely understand.” Zoe moved forward. “She’s my maid.”

    Susan met her the rest of the way. “I wager you go about your day in a state of frustration after she dresses you in the morning.” Her fingers tangled in Zoe’s hair and imitated the maid’s accent as she spoke the next words. “That throaty voice tinged with the sweet accent chattering on about your hair and dress.”

    Zoe groaned and tried to move forward for a kiss, but Susan stopped her.

    “Not yet. Tell me what you want from me tonight.”

    “What I want?”

    “If you just want me to hold you and kiss you, I will. But if you want more, then we can do that too. You have to tell me. I don’t want to take more than you’re comfortable with.”

    Zoe bit her lip a moment. “Take me to bed. Just kiss me for now.”

    Susan kissed Zoe’s lips softly and then took her hand to lead her to the bed. She pulled back the blanket and motioned for Zoe to get in before her. Susan followed and wrapped her arms around Zoe and pulled her close.

    Zoe whispered, “I think I love you.”

    Susan smiled and gathered a handful of Zoe’s nightgown and yanked it up. “Don’t say that yet. I haven’t even pleasured you yet.”

    “Do it so I can know.” Zoe leaned forward and tried to kiss Susan again.

    Susan dodged away and moved her lips close to Zoe’s ear. “Have you ever pleasured yourself?”

    “Yes.” Zoe swallowed hard. She felt the pressure building between her legs and desperately wanted to reach down and relieve it.

    “Good. You know a little of what to expect.” Susan pulled at the nightgown some more. “You can tell me to stop at any time and I will not be hurt.”

    “I won’t want you to stop. I’ve wanted you to touch me since I first met you.” Zoe took hold of Susan’s wrist and removed it from the fabric of her nightgown to reach between her thighs.

    Susan took control of Zoe’s mouth as her hand made that final blessed contact. Zoe kept her grip on Susan’s wrist as her hand moved. She tangled her fingers in Susan’s hair and moaned into the older woman’s mouth.

    Zoe moved her hips in rhythm to Susan’s fingers. She finally loosened her grip on Susan’s wrist and groped for her hip. “Want to touch you.” Zoe mumbled as she pulled at Susan’s clothes.

    “Not yet.” Susan moved Zoe underneath her. “Would you mind if I put my mouth here?” She indicated where her fingers still moved against Zoe’s hard clit.

    “You can put your mouth there?” Zoe panted.

    Susan smirked. “If you want me to.”

    Zoe nodded. “Yes. Yes, please.”

    Susan lowered herself down Zoe’s body, pausing to kiss a line down Zoe’s body. With each press of her lips, Zoe felt herself growing closer to her climax. It was frightening and exhilarating. She combed her fingers through Susan’s hair and spread her legs wide.

    And then Susan’s mouth was there. “Holy fuck!” She gasped and then immediately covered her mouth.

    Susan looked up and smiled. “Shh. Everyone is sleeping.”

    “I know, but Christ, Susan!” Zoe pulled a pillow over and covered her face.

    Susan’s tongue was lapping and she was moaning like she was eating the most delicious meal ever. Zoe cried out into the pillow. She reached down and tangled her fingers in Susan’s hair. She was so close, but she didn’t want to come. Not yet. It felt so nice. So perfect. Would it ever feel this good again?

    “Zoe?” Susan whispered, her breath doing nothing to help the heat Zoe felt.

    She couldn’t manage words. She raised the pillow and looked down. “Hm?”

    Susan had a cheeky grin. “Do you like it?”

    “Hell yes.” Zoe pulled Susan’s head back in. “Keep going.”

    Susan chuckled and returned to sucking and licking. Zoe writhed against Susan’s mouth. She was so very close. She cursed into the pillow and bit it hard as she finally let herself go. She cried out as she rocked against Susan’s mouth, the other woman holding her steady.

    When her tremors finally stopped, she threw the pillow off to the side and melted into the mattress. “Holy fuck.”

****

    Susan rested her head on Zoe’s hip. Zoe lay limply for several minutes. Susan thought about her first time. She had been much more subdued. It had been a very frightening experience, but she’s adored every moment.

    Zoe started combing her fingers through Susan’s hair. “Is it always like that?”

    “Not always. Sometimes it won’t be as explosive. Sometimes it’s like the slight chill up your spine. Most of it is the in between.”

    “Can I do it to you now?” Zoe’s voice was soft and timid.

    “I don’t need your mouth if you’re not ready for that.” Susan moved up the bed and leaned close. “You don’t have to do any of it.”

    “How do I taste?”

    Susan grinned. “You could come and see.”

    Zoe bit her lip a moment and then leaned in for a soft kiss. “Is that how everyone tastes?”

    “With slight variation, yes.” They kissed again, a little longer.

    Zoe reached down and groped until she found the hem of Susan’s nightgown. “Do you think I woke anyone?”

    “I doubt it.” Susan groaned at the tentative touch. “That is so lovely.”

    “Do you want my mouth?”

    “Only on mine for now.” Susan moved to her back, pulling Zoe on top of her. She took hold of Zoe’s face and kissed her hard. Susan’s tongue probed deep into Zoe’s mouth. She moved her hips in time to Zoe’s fingers.

    She had been so ready from the moment Zoe pulled her into that dark corner. Hearing Zoe’s sweet cries muffled in the pillow had driven her to near-madness. So it didn’t take long for her to come. She held off as long as she could. She groaned into Zoe’s mouth and then sighed.

    “Was that okay?” Zoe asked softly, still hovering.

    “It was great. Thank you.”

    “Could I do better?”

    Susan smiled and stroked Zoe’s face. “You made me come. There is no better than that.”

    Zoe kissed her softly and then moved to the side. She slipped her hand into Susan’s. “Tell me about your first time.”

    Susan was quiet for a moment. She went back to that musty old house. The windows that overlooked a private lake. The cat scratching at the door.

    “It was an older woman. She’d come to the shop and there was something…” Susan brought her hand under her head and looked up to the ceiling. “She invited me for tea. And I went there every day for weeks just for tea and conversation. Then one day I went and all the servants were out. She asked me upstairs. She touched me. And I’d never felt so alive.”

    “How old were you?”

    Susan smiled. “Fifteen. She was near fifty. Neither of us should have done it. But I didn’t know what else to do. I wanted to be with women and she was offering. She died suddenly the following year.”

    “And then your maid became your lover?” Zoe asked.

    “Not until much later. There was no one for six years.” Susan sighed and turned to look at Zoe. “You should go to your bed.”

    Zoe nodded and kissed Susan. “I love you.”

    Susan smiled. “You’re sweet, Zo.”

    Zoe stood and walked backward toward the door. “In three months I can be with you whenever you want.”

@aspec-stories here’s another one you might be interested in