#q'd!

this time around, he’s dressed rather casually, with his circular-rimmed glasses and a recently washed purple sweater, hair a little bit tousled but still neat in the typical, organized hyojin fashion. admittedly, he didn’t expect to be called in the middle of the day, especially during practice when everyone was undoubtedly preparing for their new stage. it’s a little obvious how flustered this makes him, but he manages to quickly comb his hair with a few fingers, rub the drowsiness out of his eyes, and adjust his glasses, before slowly removing his hand with a sheepish smile.

“how are you - oh, everyone, hello~” craning his neck to spot a few familiar figures at the corner of the video frame, hyojin gives a little wave at them, smiling sweetly.

thankfully, his department worked from home on most fridays, giving him a sense of respite from thursday’s antics for the past few weeks. for the first time in a while, though, he’s been able to sleep in, something that took far more priority over the mixed feelings about this week. it’s surreal enough that they had placed first, a victory he’s sure he’ll hold close to his heart for quite some time, because it meant that his teammates had gotten what they had worked so hard to deserve. after a good night’s rest, though, it feels like a distant memory now - at the same time, it feels a little strange not waking up early in the morning to go to the practice studio. glancing at the analog clock perched next to his laptop, he realizes he probably would have already been a few hours into practice by now.

waiting for suwoong’s response, he listens attentively, nodding along and laughing gently at the other’s animated, friendly words, glad that the older male seems to be fine and getting along well with the rest of the team. thinking about it, hyojin himself wasn’t too perturbed by his elimination, having prepared for the future with wary eyes and treating every stage as if it would be his only and last one. the thought that perhaps his time had already been far overdue ever since the trios stage makes him more grateful than bittersweet or discouraged.

( but when he thinks about it more and more, sometimes he wonders if taeyang would have made it farther. maybe that spot wasn’t meant for him. )

“oh, a cake?” noting the sweetness of the coaches for bringing in something to the remaining team members, hyojin feels moved by the thoughtfulness of the mentors. they were all quite kind, and he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t lucky to have been part of such a well balanced and conscientious team. “they pretended to drop it, huh? oh no...” his eyes narrow in sympathy at the story, and he pushes back a yawn with bleary eyes.

patting at his cheek lightly, scolding himself for being still tired from having woken up so late in the day, he rubs at his eyes again. his body still aches from weeks of practicing dance, completely unused to the feeling, and it’s almost like a wave of sleepiness had washed over him for all the time he’s been awake today, hunched over his laptop to try and catch up on the work he had to do.

he finds himself slowly snapping out of it with suwoong’s brightness and the welcoming nature of the other members, quite touched to find that they still thought of him as a member. it’s not that he didn’t miss them, but it’s the realization that they didn’t erase him from their minds entirely to focus on the next performance that makes a warm, fuzzy feeling fill him up.

as such, when suwoong offers to “feed” him some cake through the phone, hyojin plays along affectionately despite finding it humorous, opening his mouth and pretending to take a bite, before eric manages to prevent the cake from hitting suwoong’s phone. holding back a laugh, hyojin thanks the other for his attempt, promising to make the team sweets in return.

with that, he makes sure to ask how practice is going, listening carefully and encouraging them to the best of his ability. soon enough, their time comes to an end, and hyojin gives them one last wave, flashing them a little finger heart.

“make sure to take care of your health! team royal, fighting!”

❀ GIFTS ;

[08.05.19] care packages + notes!

after having dinner with kyungsoo, hyojin made sure to send him off with a few surprises in tow - namely, four individual paper bags filled with snacks, including vitamin water, chips, nuts, and freshly made cookies in each one. they all have individual sticky notes stuck inside each bag with little messages for each member. for the coaches ( @rkcheri, @rkwon, @rkella ) are also cookies in a separate, larger bag, each one receiving two cookies packaged in a wax paper sleeve, their names written individually in hyojin’s neat handwriting on each one.

( hot pink sticky note) to suwoong hyung: @rksuwoong

suwoong hyung, hello! this is healing voice hyo who wishes you and the rest of the team the best! i know you’ll do great, and that you’ll destroy the stage with your charisma and talentㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ i’ll be watching eagerly from home to see you win and to cheer you on~ take good care of yourself and enjoy the snacks! i’m one call away always!

- hyojin

( light blue sticky note ) to soo-ah: @rkkyungsoo

hi, soo-ah! i know you just saw me not too long ago, but i hope you’re continuing to eat well and practice well~ you can do it! it’s good to practice a lot and seriously, but make sure you’re not overworking yourself so your condition is goodㅠㅠ please take good care of suwoong hyung for me as well~ fighting!

- hyojin hyung

( lavender colored sticky note ) to vocal princess heejin: @rkheejin

hello heejin~ i know we didn’t get to talk much over the week, but i believe in you as much as everyone else! your singing is really legendary;; like every other stage, you’ll do well on this one, too, so i hope you have lots of confidence going in! looking forward to see you performing on the big screen~

- hyojin

( light yellow sticky note ) to bright sunflower eric: @ericxrk

eric, hello, hello~ i won’t make it too serious or depressing, but i’m sorry i wasn’t able to keep my promiseㅠ i know you’ll continue to do well, though! i hope you’ll be able to do more stages that show your full potential and skillset. i know you’ll do well~ cheering you on always!

in order to soothe the shaking of his hands, hyojin tests the microphone while adjusting the stand, tapping it a few times and speaking, hearing his voice echo faintly. with a nod, he unpacks his guitar, putting the strap over his head and giving it a strum to make sure it was in tune. once he was satisfied, he starts to play a few notes of one of the songs that he had been rehearsing to play, starting off with a slightly shaky voice. 

everybody gets high sometimes, you know what else can we do when we're feeling low? so take a deep breath and let it go you shouldn't be drowning on your own

repeating the simple rift, hyojin tries to convey the song the best he could with his limited knowledge of the language, careful not to make any pronounciation mistakes despite the slight accent he had. 

admittedly, the song had quite some sentimental value to him — he had heard it quite some while ago when he turned the radio late one night, a habit that he had picked up when he was missing home more than usual. the peaceful, lowkey vibes of the song had reached out to him and covered him in a blanket of comfort, and before he knew it, he had finally fallen asleep.

and if you feel you're sinking, i will jump right over into cold, cold water for you and although time may take us into different places i will still be patient with you and i hope you know

raising his voice to hit the higher notes, hyojin starts to strum more aggressively, eyes looking around at the new faces that seemed to have been attracted by his performance, feeling his ears start to heat up when he notices the shutters of some phone cameras and sees the people who had started filming.

being in a completely new setting filled with various noises of the city admittedly throws him off a bit, and while hyojin usually gets lost in his own emotions while performing, he feels himself shift into a different feeling. it’s not necessarily bad, per say, but it’s certainly not the same as the quiet complacency he felt when in his room as he performs as a song. it’s an almost hunger, the desire to be seen and understood by those who listened.

because of this, for the first time in a long time, he performs with his eyes open.

i won't let go i'll be your lifeline tonight i won't let go i'll be your lifeline tonight

hitting the chorus, he starts to hold the notes, fingers running over the worn strings in a rhythmic pattern, hearing the audience start to clap along in time to the song. 

he was here in seoul, after all — even while supporting his mother, he realizes that there are times where he can let a little loose. with the beginning of spring starting to creep up on him through cool breezes, hyojin finds himself finally, finally feeling at home.

he’s not exactly alone. alone was not the best or most technical word to describe the situation, with him in the passenger’s seat and jooyoung steering the car. perhaps ‘teetering’ was better.

kim hyojin was teetering between certainty and uncertainty, shame and shamelessness, stuck between caring too much and almost not caring at all. it was as if the ground under him had been fractured and was currently shaking under his feet, causing him to sway from side to side, unsure of where else he could possibly jump to. 

( was this really the solution? was this really the only way he could look himself in the mirror? the same way that now would prevent him from being able to meet his mom’s eyes? )

even imagining her face at this point could bring him to a complete standstill, to force him to stay put in the car and tell jooyoung that it’s okay, he’ll just wait until he’s done and then they could go home. briefly, he wonders if she would be proud of him. he wonders if this is something she could brag to her friends about instead of something that would signal the end of whatever stability he had created, the source of money that would pour in whenever summer began.

( if he makes it, he knows he’ll have to resign from the firm this summer. he knows he can’t work there. what will he do then? what will she do then? )

as he stares out the window, watching the streets and shops lining familiar streets slip by, the worry starts to chip away at his resolution. things were getting better. they had been for the past few years, but he’s not sure if this is a risk he can take.

“thanks, hyung.” the thoughts haunt him and trail along his shadow, weighing down his fingers as he unbuckes his seatbelt and opens the car door once they arrive. 

it haunts him every step of the way into the building, every footprint that fades behind jooyoung’s that grows more and more unconfident. he’s not sure how he makes it into the gym area without turning back around and making some kind of excuse to leave, to just be anywhere except for there. he’s like a child about to commit some kind of petty crime, but the last thing he wants to do is worry jooyoung and cause a scene, especially at such a critical time. 

his smile is still sincere despite the inkling of sadness it contains when the staff take his measurements, and he follows their requests obediently and without much complaint. by the time he’s in the practice room with jooyoung, it was as if everything that had happened just a few hours earlier that morning was just a distant memory.