#punitive

Children need patience, love, and compassion to develop healthy coping skills, relationships, and self-esteem. Rejection robs them of these capacities as they struggle to understand why they were deemed unlovable to a person they trusted to care for them.

This isn't just about family. Teachers, school systems, mentorship programs, religious institutions, and unaffiliated extra-curricular programs are also responsible.

My step brother died believing that he was unlovable, worthless, and a burden. He was rejected by his biological father at a young age. He was rejected by teachers and peers for untreated ADHD. He was targeted and rejected by school officials for an empty ziplock bag with trace amounts of Marijuana that he didn't even know was in his car.

That was the straw that broke him. His expulsion and enrollment into alternative school took the last of his motivation and sense of self-worth and set him into a downward spiral, leading to the 2 years of addiction that took his life. There are so many others like him.

How prison-based thinking warps a lack of empathy for “deserving” victims to harm the vulnerable

Editor’s Note: sexual violence and mention of rape

I’ll admit it: I have a sort of macabre fascination with true crime. My fiancé is always making fun of me for it, and it’s not a trait I’m super proud of, to be honest. I recognize that how the media handles the sensational abuses they document often fuels the objectification of abuse victims, the very thing that helps perpetuate abuse in the…

My son (17) just got back from his senior trip today. He is a fantastic kid. He has a 3.5 GPA, clear goals for his future, and a great group of friends. Because he leaves for college in just a few weeks, his remaining time with his childhood friends is already incredibly limited, and we are all feeling the bittersweet countdown.

​The night before the trip, a few kids were over at our house. One of them (18) accidentally left a nicotine vape behind. We have a strict household rule of absolutely no vaping, but we didn’t even find it until the next morning after they had already left for the trip. It was tucked away in a box left on the kitchen table, and my son didn’t even know it was there.

​To complicate things, the kid who left it wasn't even invited. He is actually someone my son and his core friends have been actively trying to avoid due to his poor life decisions, but every now and then he will just show up out of nowhere because he sees the group's location on Snapchat and follows them.

​When our son walked through the door today, my husband immediately grounded him for a week for "allowing his friend to bring a vape into the house."

​I felt the punishment absolutely did not meet the crime, especially given the timing before college. I tried to sit down and have a private, adult conversation with my husband about it first. It turned out his reaction was fueled by intense anxiety for our son's future; he was under the assumption that if you get pulled over in Texas with any vape on you, you automatically get arrested and charged with a felony for it being a THC vape until proven otherwise. He wanted to use a heavy hand to force our son to rethink his associations.

​Our son eventually overheard part of this and asked why someone would be arrested for a legal nicotine vape if they are of age to purchase it, so I asked if the three of us could sit down together. During the conversation, my husband got defensive and asked why I was so persistently fighting him on his decision.

​I looked at him and said, "You usually think logically and I can depend on that, but I don't know what the difference is about today. I feel like we are giving him a bigger punishment than the crime itself."

​We ended up looking up the actual laws together on the spot and found the flaw in my husband's theory. We used it as a teaching moment to explain to our son how flawed the judicial system can be and that you can't always count on people in authority to do the right thing. I also made a comment to my husband that while the system is flawed, we don't have to show our son that ourselves by handing down an unfair punishment at home.

​By this time, my husband was so annoyed with me and the entire conversation that he completely shut down internally. He just said, "Do whatever you want to do," and totally checked out of the interaction.

​I feel terrible. I value my husband’s partnership immensely, and I never intended to disrespect him or make him feel undermined in front of our son. I ended up compromising with our son: he isn't grounded for the week, but he does have to stay home today to focus on cleaning his room, helping around the house, and doing college prep, and we also need him to be around more this week to help with things around the house.

​I understand my husband's intent came from a place of protection and wanting to teach him tough lessons about the real world, but I felt like I had to stand up for fairness. Now, my husband is completely distant and iced over.

​How can I approach him to validate his protective instincts as a dad while still holding the line that a week-long grounding wasn't fair to our son? How do we bounce back from a communication breakdown like this?