#psychvvitch

The HellBilly Pulpit: Time is a Fraud.

Well, at least the current standard and practice of measuring time and how it affects us.

Our ancestors, thousands of years ago, didn’t have clocks to follow.  They relied on the natural order of things to help them keep track: the moon, the stars, and the seasons to name a few.

It amuses me at times. To sit here and watch people, myself included, unfortunately, base everything on this idea of the time we all follow knowing that it’s all a man-made premise.

How old am I? How old are you? Who really knows? It was practically arbitrarily decided that XYZ equals the months, days, and years we follow.

Measuring time started out as a way to keep track of the weekly Sabbaths, but there was much debate on when this actually occurred. So modern timekeeping started to be used as a way to take “man and the creator” out of the equation. This was based on the lunar cycle. The most attuned way of keeping time out of man's hands and rearrangement of cycles is using “Atomic Time” which keeps its rhythm with the moon and the stars. This sounds fine to me, but in the end, it is still a manmade practice used to determine the passing of time, which continues to still be “tweaked” by leap years and the days in a month.

We have to follow these rules of time to keep managed and maintained. Everything is rushed or put off based on these principles. “We have a deadline to meet”, “you have two days to turn it in”, or “you have a month till you go on vacation”, and so on and so on. So with the way of things, you don’t get to really experience life by always looking at your watch or phone for when it’s time to do the next chore or go to the next place. Humans were not meant to be in these little uniformed rows following each other to the same cadence. We evolved from nomads that were always on untethered journeys. But now, “You have to be back at…” is what they always say when you go on a trip now. It gives that feeling like you have to make it back at that certain point no matter what, regardless of if you have to shorten your trip or the sights you wanted to see.

No, I can’t sit comfortably here and do this anymore. I’m of an age where my hair is mostly gray, my body hurts for no reason, and even sometimes just sleeping in a certain way will jack me up for days. I know by those measurements, I’m getting older. I don’t need your clocks to tell me that my 20s were 20 some years ago. I can see it in my face when I look into the mirror. I can see it in my kids as they grow older. The clock is irrelevant to these things.

It’s all corrupt. It goes along with the wonderful concept of capitalism. It’s really rather brash if I think about it enough. Just the plain idea of man’s audacity to try to control how time is measured is incredible.

I mentioned before you can follow or observe any of the natural ways to keep track of your time. The modern use of the clock as a means to regulate our days only really just began in the 20th century.

All of our occult kin have our methods and practices to pace ourselves, a tremendous amount of groups or practices follow the moon for most rituals just as our Native American friends and others track by its stages.

The druids built Stonehenge, Sailors used the stars, and ancient travelers could judge by the position of the sun. We as pagans and heathens have to keep this in mind to live our best life. We are not bound to the clock other than when we have to get our kids from school or get to our dentist appointments.

I mostly use the change of seasons to remember how long ago something really was. Like when I think of the first ritual I attended 13 summers ago, or that I have been with my partner these 11 summers now. I’ve found this can help to keep from being so distracted and miserable watching the hours tick away every day to relate it to the experiences that you have had since that certain event, or how much life you have to look forward to experiencing before going on that next vacation or having that next anniversary

Get back to your roots.  As the stars and sun have their dance. They don’t care what day we call it, or what “time it is”. They just keep doing what it is they do… We should too.

Ava Satanis

The HellBilly Pulpit: The Brooding Time - Gen X in the ’90s

What can I say that hasn’t been said already about the 90s and Gen X?

Maybe, I can just reflect on what it was like from my point of view during that amazing time.

I was in high school and if I only knew then what I know now lol. I remember this was when I first became aware of what was going on in life. I was listening to something new that I had just bought, it was nothing like I’d heard before-, Alice in Chains Facelift and I thought to myself, here it is, this is a new beginning, MY beginning, I can be anything and whoever I want to be.

My time was a bit “in-between” so to speak. Big hair and glam metal were fading away and Grunge was just starting to break the surface. So weird that in-between time. We/I didn't know where to go.

During these next few years, I saw things that are now just footnoted in pop culture, although through the eyes of wonder. We didn’t have cell phones and youtube and we BARELY had anything that resembled the internet. Social media was Mtv and Mtv2. Ren and Stimpy, Beavis and Butthead, Nickelodeon, and man was it fun. We saw Waco go down, the first attack on the trade center, the first gulf war, and President Clinton. Oh, man... We also had Achy Breaky Heart and the first Gen Power Rangers. Comedy for us teens was a mixture of everyday humor, to that cutting edge of the adult world just peppered in there. It was glorious. I remember laughing harder in that time frame than I have through most of my adult life so far. Things were cool. Things were carefree. Things were getting weird.

Then something happened. We got broody, angsty, annoyed, and irritated. We didn’t end up being like our older brothers and sisters who were so eager to live out what our parents wanted for them. We didn’t want to be told who we were supposed to be. A lot of us watched our parents work themselves stupid as we became latchkey kids. Minimal supervision and a shift in our reality all fed into this, “life sucks and everything is dreary” sort of attitude that became what a lot of us perceive as “gen x”. We went from Disney to Tim Burton. We were determined to break that mold and stop living what everyone wanted us to do and be ourselves. We became the “slackers and the losers” (thanks Beck for the unofficial theme song), and not caring as each day that passed was just another dreary reminder that we did, didn’t matter in the end. Life sucks and reality bites.

Music changed our lives instantly. Record stores were a thing and we could immerse ourselves in just about any genre or style you could think of. Man, we were an eclectic bunch. My tape rotation consisted of Alice in Chains, Pearl Jam, and Soundgarden one minute and then Slayer, Pantera, Suicidal Tendencies, Danzig, and Metallica the next. The more intense, the better. It was cathartic to know that what I felt inside was felt by others too. The music told me that I’m not alone. That still resonates today, sometimes even more with all of the subgenre and side projects that my favorite bands have spawned or influenced since that time.

There was no shortage of fuel for our fire either. We had The Craft, The Crow, Nine Inch Nails, and Tool all reaching out to open our minds and set us free. White Zombie beat the normal out of us and threw on the dirt, it was amazing. Korn brought out our anger and set it on fire.  Big shorts and pants before Jnco’s were a thing. The Blair Witch, Lalapalooza, the second Woodstock, skateboards, piercings, tattoos, and punk rock on top of it all! The freaks were in and we weren’t going away!

In the latter part of the 90s, I was in the military for a brief time, got married at 20, and thought I had life planned out... SMACK- I was discharged, divorced, and living with my bros to watch the turn of the century. Lol... Y2K! Your computers are gonna die!!! Man, we were stupid back then... Wait.. we still are... Maybe worse lol.

I embraced my time as a slacker in the military where my ideals were definitely not what the military needed or wanted. I found myself once again, outcast and brooding. I discovered that I wasn’t just socially different, I was spiritually different. Basic Training found a lot of us regretting our decisions and looking for comfort. I tried the church only to find it just felt too generic. All of the people in the pews reciting the same prayers, praying for the same things, and just being immersed in their cookie-cutter spirituality. It did not speak to my individual wants or needs or feelings. I wanted... No, I needed something more. This wasn’t for me.

Enter the occult. Enter paganism. Enter the anti-established religion mentality.

I started out with learning about some ancient celt myth and magick (my first book), from there I kind of branched out in about a half dozen different ways. I read about Satanism, Wicca, Atheism, and tons of things in between. Mind that when I started this road to discovery, I was an enlisted soldier in the US Army. these things did not go over well with those in charge. We had a prayer once before a holiday-themed run where I did not participate. I stood there, looking around, being respectful to those who were participating, but  I was called into the office and asked if I practiced “the dark arts”. I had to laugh. Such a blanket, stereotype pinned on me for just being true to myself. They must have seen my barracks room. Blacked out with various metal band merch laying about with the quasi shrine to Marilyn Manson. The incense and what probably struck them more than anything was the lack of any Christian-themed propaganda, I mean decor. :)

All of this lead me to believe all the more that I was on the right path when I stood out as an individual enough to make people question who I am and what “is wrong with me”. This was the new brood infecting their rank and file and I’d like to think that I set a path for others that came after me.

When I was discharged and went home, I felt out of place. I had a new appreciation for the world, nature, and humanity all because of staying true to who I wanted to be even beyond the brainwashing that I endured. That is another story for another time though...

Those years in the ’90s really were a crazy time to come of age. But I wouldn’t change a thing about it. It set me up for life’s later difficulties and triumphs.

It was the brooding time.

Ava Satanis

HBVV

The HellBilly Pulpit: Fly Children, Fly

It’s a mess. 

This country. This world.

Our grandparents and parents have not done much to progress this world. 

We are still living with racism, classism, poverty, hunger, and homelessness. This is 2022. We should have evolved much farther beyond this by now. But here we are. Those in power, stay in power with antiquated ideas and sensibilities.

Enough is enough.

I’m going to tell you a bit of advice. I’m coming from the position of an outsider myself. A black sheep. An anomaly to my surroundings. So please. Don’t dismiss my thoughts as some middle-aged man who doesn’t get it.  I do, I did, and hope to keep up with it.

Children, younglings, teens, and young adults. Get up!  Get out there and make a difference.  Go vote. Go fight for a cause. Don’t take anyone looking down their nose at you. Don’t let them make you complacent.  You all are some of the most diverse and free-thinking people in decades and the world will soon be yours to make what it should be.

The boomer's days are numbered. Their numbers are thinning.

Take the opening and learn how things SHOULD work and get them back that way.

Be kind. Be open-minded.

Reach out to those who have less and try to help wherever you can. Set an example for your younger siblings and children of your own that you can be proud of.

Make chaos. Make anarchy. Make noise. Beat on their doors and tell them that you’ve had enough. It’s time for the new blood to take charge.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry for any part of this situation that the elders have left you all in. I’m sorry for any part that I may have been inadvertently involved in. I saw my errors and decided that I wasn’t taking part anymore.

Empathy. Compassion. That is what is going to make the world a better place.

Believe in your science. Believe in your art. This can be a dawning of a new age and I want to see what fires you all can start.

Deconstruct religion! Tear down the church's walls. Be like those pagans before us and realize what your truth is that you carry in your heart.

Cast your spells. Speak to the other side. Look at the mother moon and ask her what guidance she can offer.

Your cards and your divine gifts will help you keep your moral path. Don’t give in. Don’t just give up, refuse to grow up! Don’t let the brimstone and fire stories they used to scare you with, keep you from walking your path.

In my spiritual path, I don’t necessarily follow one set of ideals. I use many from many sources to help me feel aligned and in touch with my soul and its connection to the universe. I’ve meditated on this issue, I’ve thought long and hard and tried to put my best energy out into the world to try to help make it a reality.

Part of what drives me is my connections to my ancestors. I’ve asked for guidance or any clues as to what the solution could possibly be. The thing I come back to again and again is that our solutions lay not with my generation, but with those following on our heels. I truly feel that this could work. So I write to you all. I try to reach out to give hope where there is none. Strength to bolster someone’s weaknesses. I write to express my message that all is not truly lost. That we need to come together in our dismissal of “normalcy” and show the world what they didn’t know they were missing.

You may not think so now. But I’m telling you all… this reality is temporary and it’s all clay in your hands.

Remember, you can cause more from chaos within.

I hope you all use your intelligence and spiritual knowledge to make this world a better place.  Make it what it should have been so long ago. These old fucks aren’t going to do it.  It’s time for you to take the reigns and get this world back on the right track.

I believe in you. My brothers and sisters believe in you. Ask us for any help you need. We will boost you up. We will give you all the advice we can along with all the support we can.

Fly Children, Fly.

Don’t look back.

Ava Satanis

HBVV

The HellBilly Pulpit: Music: infused in my DNA

A little more of an upbeat subject this month and one of my favorite topics in general.

Music.

As far back as I can remember, music has always been a part of me. From those times in my earliest memories when it was country music of the late ’70s (I am in Appalachia after all) on the radio that was always on, or my dad belting out his favorite songs to sing at his band practices or the last black metal album I got into last week. I’ve loved it all.

It’s a family rite of passage. My grandfather was a fiddler, mandolin, and guitar player - and he brought up my dad in much the same way. Music.

Me, I’m a drummer and used to be an aspiring singer, but not so much these days. Age, time, and opportunity have not gotten along very well to be able to be active for a while now.

But even though I’m not playing, there is always, ALWAYS, a soundtrack in my head. I carry earbuds with me everywhere and I have extra pairs stashed in multiple areas. I need it. I breathe it.

My tastes have certainly changed since those early days. I went from the country-western background to the complete opposite end of the spectrum and everything in between. I didn’t even know there were other types of music until my parent’s split up and I moved down off the mountain, lol. But there it was. Rock radio on the bus to and from school in the mornings and my mind was blown.

Michael Jackson, Roy Orbison, Tears for Fears, George Michael - on and on and on. Anyone who was anyone in the mid to late 80’s that you can think of. I was like a sponge absorbing it all.

I didn’t have a particular genre that really pulled me in. Until, (lol) of all things, ZZ Top. Man what a ride that was. It was ZZ and then Aerosmith and with that came all of the hair metal, Motley Crue, Gn’R, Skid Row, man it was electric! Then.. Nirvana happened and it was the turn of another page.

I could literally go on and on and on about the different influences that sprang out of those early days. But, I want to bring it to my adult years and where I realized just how important music really is to me.

I’m a metalhead. First and foremost. I love a lot of genres but metal is my soul.

A soundtrack to many moonlit nights, bonfires, and adventures. I turned face-first into the goth aesthetic.

Candelabras, crushed red velvet, incense, an entire wardrobe of black. I let the outside match the inside. Black metal, pentagrams, and corpse paint. They all lifted my spirits better than any drug I've ever tried.

I had three defining bands, one was The Misfits, the second GWAR, and then Cradle of Filth.

Those guitars and double bass riffs made me imagine that I was floating in a river of sound waves that would wash over me and take me wherever they wanted to.

I'm sure you know that feeling. When you know, you know. That riff, that chorus, that solo of that song that grafts itself to your brain. Your tastes may change, but you'll always be able to come back to that moment every time that song plays.

Now, there is also the use of music in rituals. Adding just the right soundtrack before, during after your practice, your prayers, your offerings.

This to me is as much a part of the magick as your wand, your cards, or candles. Music helps set the mood and your mindset to be open and receptive and to offer a hospitable place for your deities and ancestors to have a tranquil and receptive gathering place as you go through your rites.

There’s something about finding just the right soundtrack and how it can transport you to another time and another place. You feel it in your soul, it helps transcend you to another level of connection to your deeper self.

I have always used some kind of ambient, instrumental music, as described from videos as “Pagan” or “Norse” or “Celtic” and that has always set the tone just fine.

One night I discovered a deeper connection to my spirituality and music like I had never known before. It anchored itself to my core. (I hope everyone gets to have a true experience like I had and can make it their own). I was enjoying a playlist from YouTube that was in this category of “pagan” music as I had mentioned and relaxingly fell asleep. But, I woke up in the middle of the night and was completely and totally transfixed by what I was witnessing. It spoke to me in a way that no other group or artists in this genre had ever come close to hitting. A group named Heilung. Absolutely amazing. That’s when I felt that pull on my soul from the inside and understood that I was missing an element in my spiritual life. When you know something that connects to you from the past deep inside you, don’t let it go. Embrace it, let it speak to your subconscious letting it take you further into your spells and ceremonies than you ever thought possible.

No matter your religion or practice be it Pagan, Christian, Satanic, or anything in between. There's a soundtrack out there that will add just that extra element to your setting and your practice.

A poesy for the music ingrained into us that gives us our motivation and soundtracks to memories.

Spilling into your mind

Like a dam that broke away

Sonic envelopment

Rhythmic understanding

Lifting you higher and higher

When you didn’t know you were down

There’s nothing as moving as music

When your soul is so hard to be found

Ava Satanis HBVV

The HellBilly Pulpit: Come to Silver…

Come to Silver…

We are a new breed. The first generation to not adapt to the typical middle-aged monotony. No Golf shirts or shorts, no adult contemporary or easy listening radio. No, we are not going to adapt to that “norm”. We are going to make our own path in life... Still.

I know my brothers and sisters of Gen X have a totally new perception (imagine that lol) of what it is to get older.

No. We will NOT grow up. We will NOT be complacent. We will NOT be “normal” or “act our age.”

We are still going to wear our t-shirts and jeans (or cargo shorts ha!), get tattooed and piercings, and forever be loyal to our rock ‘n roll (or whatever genre floats your boat). We are still going to go to concerts and act a fool!

Who said that just because you’re “old” you have to be boring and stagnant?

I wear my gray in my beard as a badge of honor. We’ve been through some shit and we’ve seen better days. But here we are. Still angst-ridden as fuck and goddamn annoyed by everything.

We are coming to take control from the boomers (our parents) and telling them to sit the fuck down and shut up! They’ve once again, embarrassed us with their cluelessness the same way they did when we were kids. This time just on a grander scale.

We are gonna pave the way for the next generation so that they can jump into the driver’s seat and leave all of this bullshit behind where it belongs.

It’s a real mindfuck to look back and see where we have been and how long ago it really was, but it seems like just yesterday in so many ways.

There’s an awakening (not in the force young padawans) of a new spirituality. The new primitives are here. Witches- Satanists- Occultists of all sorts are stepping out of the shadows. We are reevaluating what our spirituality means to us.

I’ve lived in their gospel, only to be pushed back and embarrassed or shamed. Well, yes. I’m ashamed. I’m ashamed of the old school establishment. The patriarchy. The ignorance. The lack of empathy. And the lack of common-goddamned-sense.

The gods, the earth, the moon, and the sun are all speaking to us now. They are telling us to put our emotions and intentions out into this world so that they can manifest and become so much more with the power of many coming together. It’s amazing to think, to know, that your intentions and energy are out there in the world and that they matter in the grand scheme of things. It’s time to find our voices in speaking out against the established/organized religion(s) and fight for fairness, not just for ourselves, but for everyone in the world, especially those who cannot speak for themselves.

Listen with your heart, your mind, and your feelings. Let yourself be gravitated to what needs you. Trust yourself and feel. Claim your cauldron, find those stones. Make them not just your tools, but extensions into the world. Make your offerings, speak your spells! Your soul will feel it and your mind will crave it. Just let the feelings out to flow with the waves of the now. Be true to yourself and others.

Take your time mid-agers, you Gen x kids. Your younger brothers and sisters need us to lead by example so that they can take up the reigns and fight, fight, fight for everyone and everything… as above and as below…

They need us.

Ava Satanis

HBVV

Cryptic Mystic: We Are the Mask

The things you like, how you socialize, your reactions - all make up parts of your personality. Deciphering the truth from the lies; we possess the ability to morph who we are. How much/what do we mask, and what purpose does “masking” serve? This month’s blog dives deep into a few topics that all tie together to create one collective theme. As most things in life, these topics are intertwined. You’ll likely take something different from this blog than the next person, but that’s how my blogs are, as you probably well know… Now, without further adieu, let’s jump into this one.

To start, I’d like to take a moment to ask that you visit the website 16personalities.com and take their personality test. I guarantee you’ll gain valuable insight into your personality, and how you compare with others. It may even help you to better understand yourself or others. I always get the result of “Protagonist: ENFJ-A”. This result hasn’t changed in the last 5 years, however, psychologists and layperson test-takers alike will let you know that throughout life the results can change. So, on a scale of 1-100, here are my detailed results: 

MIND (Introversion VS extroversion): 89% extroverted

ENERGY (intuitive VS observant): 79% intuitive

NATURE (thinking VS feeling): 53% feeling

TACTICS (judging VS prospecting): 94% judging

IDENTITY (assertive VS turbulent): 56% assertive

Personality is a somewhat stable thing but has the potential to change over time in certain ways. There are some parts of us that I fully believe will never change. I term those the “concrete personality factors.” However, there are plenty of things about our personality that we can change if we try. Strong willpower and mind can aid in changing one's personality traits that are malleable. The not-so-malleable personality traits are much harder to change (if changing them is even possible) and would take a great amount of self-discipline and maybe even some serious professional therapy. My perspective: embrace who you are! If there is something about yourself that you would like to change because it is harmful to yourself or others, then work towards that change. At the end of the day, you are the only person who holds the key to changing who YOU are. The choice is ultimately yours. I tell people, no amount of therapy can change a person unless they truly want to change in the first place. Just like no one else can force you to change. Changing requires work and effort on YOUR part. 

So how do masks tie into all of this? People hide who they are behind metaphorical masks all of the time. We see this in several realms, however not all always apply in this context to everyone. We see examples of people “masking” who they really are through makeup, clothing, behaviors, and actions on a daily basis. Some are better at hiding who they are than others, and some of these folks you likely believe that you know who they are, but in reality, you have no idea. That’s one of the interesting things about the internet - you can be whoever you want to be. Whether that is your true self or a figment of who you are, the internet is a place where we see the most “masking.” Deciphering the truth from the lies in this digital world can be challenging.

I’ll tell you a story about an encounter I had early on in the age of technology and computers. Back in the olden days of dial-up internet, we had these things called chat rooms. Haha. Okay, I’ll stop acting like most of you don’t know what the hell dial-up and that whole era of technology looked like because I’m sure that a majority of you experienced it firsthand like me. Anyway, so I was in a chat room talking with random strangers. I really hit it off with this one guy. We liked a lot of the same music and had a similar style. He sent me some pictures and I thought he was attractive. We had good conversations. It was a good friendship so far, so after talking with him for a few months I decided to set up a meeting. I decided to be on the safe side just in case and take a friend with me to meet him for the first time. A friend of mine needed to go visit her boyfriend so she agreed to give me a ride to the location and agreed to leave me there while she ran to her boyfriend’s house only if I was comfortable. If I wanted her to stay she agreed that she would stay with me. We drove the 30 minutes into town and approached the location in her pickup truck. As we came closer to the building I could see a guy standing outside of the building (it was a bar) and he was smoking a cigarette. He was wearing all black, chains hanging off of his pants, and a front-facing black baseball-style cap. I knew that had to be him. We stopped in front of the building and he walked towards the truck on the driver's side where my friend was sitting. Upon reaching the window, he looked absolutely nothing like the picture he had sent me. In fact, he was much older than the picture he had sent me. Yes, you can laugh, your friendly neighborhood witch Kavita was officially catfished before catfishing was a thing. *cue laughter* He had an extremely creepy energy coming off of him (and not the good kind). He asked what we were up to, and I told him we had some errands to run, but that I just wanted to stop by and say hi. He was eyeballing me like a piece of meat. I grew intensely uncomfortable. The tension in the air was so thick you could cut it with a knife. My friend sensed that this was not the meeting I had intended and explained to him that we had to go, but that it was good meeting him and quickly drove away. She began laughing, looked over at me with a sheepish smile, and said, “what in the fuck was that?!” 

Oh, the early days of the internet. It was the wild west. It still is to a certain extent, but back then it was a much different time. My story paints an important picture about how people can easily put on a mask to impress others or to lure in their prey. I’ll never be certain of that man’s intention, but he lied about many things for one reason or another and that’s not cool. 

Looking at masks from a literal perspective and their origin, the first masks are from at least 9000 years ago. They were thought to have been used for occult rituals in countries like China and Africa. Some masks were to ward off evil spirits, while others were used for disguise, entertainment, or even for religious worship. The earliest masks were made from tree bark and leather. Some of these masks were in the shape of a human face, however, some were shaped like animal faces. Animal face masks often symbolized the connection between native people and nature. Many tribes and ancient cultures (some of which still exist today) gave utmost importance to nature, animals, and the world around them. As time went on, sometimes animal masks were used in sync with someone’s zodiac as a form of personal representation.

Masks have come a long way since their invention. Today masks can be used for protection (as we know all too well in this day and age), as well as to supply oxygen and other drugs during procedures or in life-threatening situations. We see people wear masks on Halloween (counting the days over here!) as well as for social gatherings, such as a masquerade-themed party or on New Year’s Eve. 

So, we’ve talked about metaphorical masks as well as masks in the literal sense. I hope that you were able to take something from this blog. Whether you learned something new that you found interesting or maybe you even learned something about yourself through that personality quiz. Until next month, be easy and stay safe out there my fellow earth wanderers. 

<3 - K

Cryptic Mystic Blog by PsychVVitch @psychvvitch

Cryptic Mystic: The Psychology of a Serial Killer

There are hundreds of serial killers, both in the fiction and non-fiction world. I don’t have near enough time to cover the story and the psychology of all of them - hell, there is so much information that is relevant, one at a time will suffice. Today we take a look at John Wayne Gacy. Gacy was born in Chicago, Illinois in 1942 to an auto mechanic/WWI veteran and a home-maker. There are some interesting things about his childhood that, from a psychological perspective, most likely played an important role in the way that Gacy developed. Had things in his childhood been different, he could have very well turned out to be a different person. He may not have killed anyone. Unfortunately, his life began down a troubled road early on. He was close with his mother and two sisters, but he had a rocky relationship with his father, as his father was an alcoholic and severely mentally and physically abusive on a regular basis. 

Gacy’s father would often talk down on him, call him names, and whip him with a leather belt in excess. Gacy wanted a relationship with his father more than anything, but unfortunately, he never got to really have much of one. Instead, he lived most of his life never feeling good enough for his father - always feeling the need to try harder and to be better. This feeling manifested a more widespread entity within Gacy, which led to him feeling as though he was never good enough for anyone. Some speculate that his issues with his father perpetuated his obsession with young boys and men. I would have to agree that there was likely something there. People who have serious issues with their parents (male or female) are said to have “mommy issues” or “daddy issues”. The conflicts with the male/female parent iis then projected onto all or most people of that biological sex either during periods in life or, in some cases, for the rest of the individual’s life. To add to this recipe for disaster, Gacy was also regularly molested by a family friend. Gacy reported that he was afraid to tell anyone about being molested due to the fear of his dad blaming him (fear of not being good enough again).

Gacy was well known in his community. Viewing him on the outside, you would have never guessed what was happening inside of his mind. The torment. The torture. His first job at the age of 18 was working as an assistant precinct captain for his local Democratic party. He admittedly reported that he decided to pursue this job because he sought attention and recognition from others - that which he never received from his father. Growing tired of his father’s abuse, he left home and moved to Las Vegas where he began working with an ambulance service. Shortly thereafter, he switched jobs and became a mortuary assistant. It is during this three-month period that Gacy reports having first realized he “may have a problem”. One night when he was alone at the mortuary he said he climbed into the coffin of a dead teen-aged boy and caressed the body as he laid next to it. It seems as though he was seeking affection from the body. Gacy reports he did not realize what he was doing until it was already happening, and upon realizing what he was doing he became scared and felt out of control. He immediately called his mother and asked if he could come back home. It is important to note that as early as age 7, Gacy was said to have sexually fondled a young girl with another young boy. We begin to see some potential disturbances with Gacy pretty early on, but he did not gain self-awareness of this until he was a young adult. It is important to note that the average age that a person starts to exhibit symptoms of a severe mental illness and gain self-awareness of those symptoms is typically in their late teens/early 20’s. Gacy fits this statistic like a glove. This is when things really start to ramp up. When he returned home he got a job at a shoe factory that transferred him to Springfield, Illinois. While there he received a promotion, and shortly thereafter was set to be married to a co-worker of his, Marlynn Myers. Gacy joined the local Jaycees. Things were really starting to look up for Gacy. He was doing well. One night a colleague of his from the Jaycees invited him over for some drinks and then performed oral sex on Gacy. Gacy did not decline.

Gacy and his wife moved to Waterloo, Iowa where Gacy got a job managing his father-in-law’s Kentucky Fried Chicken chains. Marlynn’s parents provided them with a free house. Again, things were looking good. But things aren't what they appeared to be. The damage to Gacy’s psyche had already been done, and things were just beginning to develop. Gacy began running a “club” in his basement, allowing underaged boys that he employed to come over to drink alcohol and play pool. He would make sure they were drunk before he would make sexual advances towards them. He was never reported because if they rejected him, he played it off as a joke or a “test of morals”. In 1966 they had their first daughter. Gacy’s father has finally apologized for his wrongdoings - Gacy had finally gained his father’s approval. He joined the Waterloo Jaycees and again gained notoriety and popularity. In 1967 he sexually assaulted the son of a fellow Jaycee member, Donald Voorhees, who was 15-years-old at the time. He began to sexually assault many teenage boys, some of which he blackmailed. In 1968 Donald told his father about the assault. Gacy was found guilty of sodomy. His wife divorced him. It was at this time that Gacy was given a diagnosis of Antisocial Personality Disorder.

Antisocial Personality Disorder is often mistaken as meaning someone is not social. This is a common misconception. People with APD have difficulty keeping long-term relationships and have complete disregard for others. People with APD often violate the space/rights of others. People with APD may appear to not have a conscience, may have a history of breaking rules or disregarding the law, have substance abuse issues, and typically exhibit aggressive and impulsive behavior. This particular disorder is often developed in childhood, and the individual will present symptomatology between the ages of 8-11. Conduct Disorder is often seen in children who go on to develop APD in adolescence/early adulthood.

Gacy served in prison from 1968-1970 and was then released on parole. He returned to Chicago. Gacy continued to have run-ins with young boys. He was accused of attempted rape on several occasions. He remarried in 1972. In 1975 he came out to his wife as bi-sexual. On Mother’s Day that year, they had sex, and he told his wife this was the last time they would ever have sex. He began bringing young boys home to “hang out” and would leave and come home at odd hours of the day and night. That year Gacy and his second wife divorced upon the fake terms that he engaged in infidelity with another woman. He was working at a PDM company (painting, decorating, and maintenance) and performing as Pogo the clown and Patches the clown as a side hustle around town. During this time Gacy bribed several of his male coworkers for sex. He joined the Moose club and made himself familiar with those in the local political world. Things were (again) looking good.

Gacy’s first murder took place in 1972. From 1972-1978 Gacy murdered 33 boys and young men, burying 26 of them under his own house. There is speculation that he murdered more than 33 people, but this has not been proven. He would lure young boys and men to his house, bribing them with things like money, drugs, or alcohol. Once the person was inebriated, Gacy would put handcuffs on them to “show them a magic trick” from his clown routine. He would then proceed to rape and torture his victims for as long as he liked. After he was done with the torture and rape, his signature murder move was to use a rope tourniquet that he twisted with a hammer to suffocate the victims to death. He reportedly stated “this is the last trick” as he listened to his victims breathe their last breath. Gacy took his own last breath on May 10, 1994, at the Stateville Correctional Center in Crest Hill, Illinois after sitting on death row, where he was given a lethal injection. 

Now, I want to make an important point known. None of this information given is to say that everyone who has a troubled childhood, or even everyone in a similar situation to any of these serial killers, is destined to have issues (or to become a serial killer). There are many factors to consider when talking about mental health in a specific individual. I like to refer to the biopsychosocial model often when talking about several things in the mental health field. The three key factors that affect a person’s development include their biology (how they are born/things they are physically predisposed to), their psychology (how their brain/mind works), and their social environment (how the environment and people around the person affect them). There is no “one size fits all”.

Gacy was a sick man. It is apparent that a combination of his biology, psychology, and social surroundings, and environment combined to create the perfect storm. People often ask if serial killers are born or made. The argument between the two can get hot and heavy very quickly. In my opinion, I think it’s a little bit of both. I don’t think that either side is totally wrong here. Someone may be born with a predisposition for certain behaviors and traits from a biological perspective. A person’s experiences and biological make-up form how they perceive the world, thus affecting their psychology - brain/mind interaction. Their social environment (the things that are out of their control) are also a factor affecting their growth and development. One small change in any of these factors and a person can develop in an entirely different way. Unfortunately for Gacy, he had a lot of different things going on that contributed to his development of APD/psychopathy. Firstly, he was born into an abusive home where he was constantly ridiculed for most of his young life. He was physically and mentally abused on a regular basis at the hands of his father. Second, while we can’t physically look into Gacy’s brain or body to understand his body from a biological viewpoint, he was likely born with certain personality traits which predisposed him to react and develop the way he did after his early childhood experiences. Gacy stated he was bi-sexual, but it is unclear as to what Gacy truly felt inside as to how he identified sexually. In the time Gacy was alive, anything aside from heterosexuality was seen as forbidden or “bad” by a majority of American society. Gacy, being seemingly confused about his sexuality, likely felt guilt and shame for having sexual feelings towards those of the same sex. Tie this in with his father’s constant disapproval; I am sure Gacy felt trapped and completely unable to express himself as an individual. It appeared that he began to try to express himself sexually with boys/young men, but he did so in an awkward way at first - still never seeming to truly feel accepted as a bisexual (or) gay man. Later these confusing and awkward social and sexual experiences turned sadistic and volatile in nature. By this point, his disorder has already begun developing and worsening, as it was untreated. This is when we start to see the abusive nature of his father manifest in his actions. He began to talk down to his victims, as his father talked down to him. In fact, research shows that there is a correlation between victims of abuse abusing others. You would think that people who had been through abuse would want to be better and never treat someone in that way. Again, depending on the person, sometimes the opposite happens… 

What do you think? What are your theories on why Gacy became the person that we know him as today? What other factors do you think were at play? Let me know in the comments or send me a message. I hope that you learned something new. I plan on writing more blogs that unravel the mind of serial killers. If there is a particular serial killer you would like me to cover, let me know. I take blog topic requests!

I wish you all a happy Halloween. Stay weird, stay curious, and stay safe out there.

Cryptic Mystic Blog by PsychVVitch @psychvvitch

The HellBilly Pulpit: The Stigma of the Stigma

Saturated

This is a painful, yet necessary entry. It envelops me and I must address the situation.

There is a real issue in this country, or even the world over, about mental health. You can't see it in someone. You can have no idea just how bad someone is suffering. Suffering because they don't have a choice. Their problems are discounted, downplayed, and even ridiculed. But make no mistake. They are very much real to those who live it.

This is a personal account of just this sort of thing.

There was a certain movie that came out in 2019 that had a line that sums up the truth. “The worst part about having a mental illness is that people expect you to act as if you don’t.”

I can not agree with this more.

I am currently going through a situation where this exact scenario is taking place. I know that I am not alone in my struggles. I feel that there are probably many of you out there with a similar story.

This pandemic over the last two years has completely laid to waste many of the daily rituals and habits that I had spent my entire life building just to be able to function as a (semi) normal person on any given day.

I suffer from OCD- Anxiety- Depression- and ADHD. That is one heck of a ride as it is, but toss on the pandemic and it’s a real rollercoaster that is out of my control. My job is not very critical. It’s deemed “essential” because of the relation to the finance market it has. Honestly, that’s just a super vague excuse to keep us going to work at the boss’s wishes. Some of us have been working from our dwellings for two years. The problem with this is that now is the time when the bosses want to start pulling people back into the office a couple of days a week despite the current spike of COVID cases. In doing this they have said, “all safety measures will be implemented”. What a crock.

I expressed my concerns about coming back not only because of this new surge of the newest variant but also because the situation really hasn’t changed any in the last few months from what it was in 2020. My coworkers and my boss know that I have OCD (extreme contamination fears) already with the workplace, but now, as I’m sure some are aware, it’s been kicked up a bunch of notches. My concerns were met with deaf ears. It was like this friend (who happened to be my boss) completely disregarded my concerns in dealing with trying to resume “normal” life. My life never was normal and now it’s even a different version than it was two years ago.

The sum- “get over it, you’re needed here… get here”

It didn’t matter what I said about the situation. Now, in this nightmare cocktail of disorders, I have developed a huge amount of empathy for others, especially if they are having any of the mental struggles that I am having. I spoke up that this is not just for me that I am bringing these things to attention, but for others that don’t have the same platform or comfortability to say for themselves.

The sum- “stop being a baby”.

Long story short… Thankfully I have a great therapist and doctor who knows how deep in the weeds I am with all of this and they have helped me sort out the situation, much to the annoyance of my bosses, so that I can continue to remain a cave dweller for the time being.

My point is this… it’s been said but it’s true and bears repeating. There is a stigma about mental health.

A person can be burning inside with the torment of depression and anxiety and any or all of the little variations or caravan of side issues that accompany any one of them. BUT.. since it is not a physical ailment, it’s perceived that it does not exist. Why? Why is it that to be taken even a little bit seriously, there has to be a physical manifestation of an ailment?

To add to the fact that I am a middle-aged male does nothing but amp up the opinions of others who don’t understand, nor do they want to understand what we go through inside.

For some of us, just the simple act of getting out of bed and putting that first foot on the floor takes ALL of our willpower, and we often sit right back down to attempt to regain it all over again. Or we drag ourselves to the shower only to stand in there and let the water try to distract us and wash away our pain. Knowing that in about an hour, we are going to have to put on our “normal” face and walk into the world carrying that weight on our backs that nobody sees.

There was a joke that I heard a few days ago- The doctor asks the patient if they have had any issues with depression or anxiety recently. The patient says, “doesn’t everybody?” and the doctor said... “No.”. That hit. That was an eye-opening moment. Not everyone knows what that is like. I can’t fathom that.

I have this group of bosses that have known me for years, as I said earlier, and they know that this is me. They know that I’ve been in therapy and medicated for years. And like any other millions of bosses out there in the world, they didn’t care.

It’s a mission of mine to bring as much attention as I can to the stigma surrounding mental health. That I can express how important focus on mental health is.

If you were to break a leg, you'd wear your cast and take your painkillers. Well, when dealing with your mental health, what's broken is your brain, your spirit, your ambition, and your will - the invisible things that people can’t see.

Seek out the help that you need - be it from a professional, family, your best friend, or someone you know who just “gets” you.

Reach out in your prayers, spells, cards, or whatever you use to help guide you. Your spirituality may be a surprising comfort in new ways that you hadn't thought of. I’ve found that I can rest my anxiety with a cleansing shower, letting the water run, cool not cold, over me as I focus my intent and purpose of removing the negativity that has attached itself to me.

I also use meditation to refocus and empty my mind by sitting in a dark room with my favorite ambient music to rest and let my mind float and take me wherever it wants to go. Falling asleep this way is ok as well, I’ve found that’s a great formula for a relaxing nap.

Tarot. This is new to me. I’ve started with a simple shuffle and letting my thoughts go into my cards. Not necessarily asking for a definitive answer, maybe just some insight that I may be missing myself that the cards can lead me to.

I’ve always been interested in the cards, but always as a spectator. I’ve recently met a few people who have some good experience with giving readings to people. I asked one of them a few weeks ago to give me a reading. He lives over in Europe and there’s a good bit of time difference but he is the first to inspire me to get a deck of my own. He did a reading for me, simple pull, nothing fancy and he came up with a certain card in a certain position and it corresponded with my current station in life. That was an eye-opening experience. To have someone do a reading with their cards for ME after all this time of being curious.

My second friend that I’ve turned to for guidance in the cards also did a reading for me. This was maybe 3 or 4 days after the first. This person is stateside and not far from me. I feel this is an important detail. She pulled my cards and one of the cards jumped out of the deck as she started to shuffle. This was the same card that my friend overseas pulled for me as well.

That was it. I’m in.

I bought my first deck. The one in the picture for this blog and I’m ready to start down that path of self-discovery that I’m learning is possible to achieve.

Tarot. Always curious. Never studied. Now I’m ready for the insight that is possible through the cards.

Opening my mind and spirit to the universe, I have found that this has been one of the most refreshing feelings in the world.

I try to live by the idea that the energy that you put out into the universe, will come back to you. Don’t be afraid to look within yourself and use the tools you feel compelled to use and are comfortable with. You’ll be much for the better than allowing the demons to hang out in your mind 24/7.

Always remember that you are not alone.

I promise you.

We are here and we reach out with open arms to be the support that you didn't know you needed.

Take care of yourselves everyone.  

Be cool

I leave you again this month with another poesy. This was inspired by the cards themselves.

Fnip.. fnip.. fnip... Sitting and shuffling Brooding and clenching The flutter of the cards calming my senses What will they show? Maybe they haven’t determined yet Guide me on my path, lead the way Give me insight, security Calm my thoughts Show me what you want to say Ava Satanis HBVV