#psychological shift

(387 words, 2-4 minutes)

I've never had one but I want to and I envy those who have/have had. Ik it doesn't make me any less valid as an alterbeing/alterhuman. I get that. But this isn't about my validity as an alterhuman.

It's about the feeling that I'm seemingly missing out on.

I want to know what that's like.

I want to have that animalistic & instinctual shift. I want to be in that headspace. But I don't think that I will. Which is the sad part, I suppose.

it makes me so anxious my god

Beyond the Million Mark: The Psychological & Strategic Shift That Signals You’re Truly “Rich Enough” By @AutoPaybump Why Net Worth is a Lie: High-Earners Reveal the New Metrics of Financial Freedom (It’s Not a Number, It’s an Action) The conventional wisdom of wealth is a lie. We’re taught to chase the number: the next six-figure salary, the seven-figure net worth, the arbitrary retirement…

Like many other folks, I, too, had a “wolf phase''. In the 7th grade I was obsessed with wolves-- I drew a ton of wolves and werewolves alike, watched loads of documentaries about them, and actively advocated for their mistreatment in storybooks through word of mouth (to anyone that would listen to me) and through abridged parodies of my own takes on fairy tales with wolves in them to have a happy ending. What I wish I realized sooner was that I had my first phantom shifts before my supposed wolf phase around a year prior-- a light brown tail, tipped with hairs of grey and cream, an elongated snout, two set ears, and an almost unbearable reaction to rabbits, squirrels, waterbirds and deer. I also would “pretend” that I was a wolf during gym class while doing track and field to make myself last longer, subconsciously “lope” like a wolf, do wolf vocalizations, and would have unbearable urges to track creatures in the snow or to hide somewhere in the mountains.

Once 8th grade rolled around, I switched schools and was thrown into a completely new environment. This was a rich-kid school-- a school for the somewhat wealthier preppy students. I felt like I didn’t belong, and did not want to call attention to myself, so I started to mask who I was. Gradually gone were the howls, the barks. The innate desire to catch rabbits. I stopped talking to people about my thoughts and feelings on this topic, and blended in with the crowd. I also started to scoff at other people who claimed to love wolves, or had a “spirit animal” as one, because nearly everyone loved wolves now. Wolves now rose to the top in terms of popularity in animal media. The herbivores were no longer represented, the other carnivores cast aside, and the wolves had far overstayed their welcome. From media to art pieces, everywhere I looked was wolf.

It wasn’t until springtime in my 10th grade year that I heard of the therian community. I believe I was looking up “clinical lycanthropy” and some therian blog popped up-- or it could have been an otherkin blog. It does not matter much. But what mattered was that I dove deep into the rabbit hole of therians, and joined PD’s discord server in July of 2020. And within that rabbit hole emerged a part of me that I was never able to put into words before: I had always been a therian.

I identified, and still do identify, as a steller’s sea eagle (after one too many dreams about me catching fish in my talons, my love of high places (and pursuing them) ever since I was small, and always being able to fly with wings and have tail feathers in my dreams), a sika deer (the lush places in Taiwan would trigger my deer senses, and grasslands were always so comforting to me). I also identified as a feline at the time. However, something wasn’t exactly right. This third identity didn’t exactly fit me. I had strong hunting urges, and I was something larger on all fours-- no, definitely not a leopard. I then tried out the cheetah label, since I was always a bit skittish, and that they were so canine-like in the fact that they lacked the ability to unsheathe claws and defend themselves properly alone, but that didn’t fit either. A regular housecat also did not fit. So what was I?

I finally stumbled upon a realization at work sometime around November of 2021. I was behind the register when my subconscious drifted toward a snow-filled place. A place that was cold. A place with mountains. A place where sika deer also roamed and the place where Steller’s sea eagles flew. Hokkaido. I drew a shuddering breath and my eyes suddenly teared up. What was going on? Why did such a word evoke such strong emotions within me?

My mind then raced to an intense scenario. I was on a steady chase. My paws fled across the underfoot of snow. Tongue lolling, chest almost burning, my ears drew back from the intensity and anticipation of the chase. The creature was near. I nearly caught on to it too.

I then snapped back to reality. The customer in front of me was waiting patiently. After I bagged her items and apologized, I then came to terms with what I was, for what I am-- and no one can tell me otherwise.

I am an extinct species that once resided in the northern region of Japan. I was in the countryside and lived within the mountains with the sika deer and boar. Alongside my other theriotypes, I am also a Hokkaido wolf.