#psychanalyse

therefore, I am thinking about wenclair.

precisely wednesday and enid writing letters to each other confessing the overwhelming longing they have for one another and yet never submitting them. because it's speaking about love that we make love, that we make it real. and there is nothing more terrifying than it being real.

wednesday starts writing in her typewriter, disguising it as another chapter for her novel so as to not arise questions. she writes about how dreadful enid makes her feel, this pull in her stomach and the buzz under her skin. she writes about how weird it is for her to want and to need another's presence, to miss someone other than her family. she doesn't write much about enid's physical attributes but she does complain about her own faults. the lack of communication, the lack of the warm touch she knew enid would love and the lack of her very own presence at times.

later on, she would grow to handwrite some of them. she binds her very own leather notebook and when enid asks she proclaims it as a journal of sorts, knowing her friend would not betray her privacy. she finds herself writing while enid is the other bed. she doesn't understand where this sudden thing came from and she draws a timeline to analyze it, there's no concrete answer and that angers her so much it almost turns her irrational.

so she writes about enid. about the first time they met and there's a change from gauche to startling when talking about her sense of style and it frustrates her even more because now she can't even trust her own memory. but she still writes, full on dedicated letters that she hopes will never be opened. god, she even ends them with a cliche "Unfortunately Yours, W.A", how much worse can it get?

enid writes in her computer, in a locked folder aptly named "Unsent, Untitled". she writes about flutters in her chest and the wolf howling in her head with excitement every time wednesday is near. she writes about rolling her eyes and suppressing a growl whenever people on campus dare to speak of her best friend - both insults and compliments make her almost lose control to the perpetual beast inside her.

she writes about being a master of control to not let the wolf out and yet flushing and stumbling with her words when wednesday does something particularly cool. she writes because she refuses to even speak to any of her friends about it, so long as she can deny and get into yet another meaning relationship with a guy she'll get bored with in two weeks, she can still live a normal life.

so she writes about kissing those guys tasting bland and honestly gross and how much better it would be to kiss her roommate in their balcony and she deletes it the next day because being confronted with her fantasies is too much. she writes about their future and just which excuses she'll pick to never let wednesday go. enid never signs them, she can't, putting her name means taking accountability. so she ends with a neat "see you soon." as if meant for her diary.

[Large text: The Aspects of the Self - Masterlist]

What are they?

This masterlist will be updated with every post. The terms may not be accurate, but I think I'm getting better at translating them!

Note: hey guys! This will be a little series post mainly based on psychology. In order for me to congratulate myself for finally achieving my masters in clinical psychology I have decided to create these mini posts that will contain different questions that we often ask ourselves. In these questions I will provide psychological answers in which they will hopefully bring you a sense of understanding on yourself! Enjoy!

Note 2: This first Why Am I This Way will be based on the “How Am I” Section. Other sessions will include “Why do I behave this way?”, “How Others see me”, “What's Happening” and “How can I get better?”

This section will have the following parts: “I know I shouldn't but.. can I have another piece of cake?”; “I love to be alone.. am I weird?”; “Why do I procrastinate so much’”; “ Am I really a good person?”; “ I was just joking!”, “Why does it always happen to me?”, “Why do I hate working so much?” and “Should I be more egocentric?” 

With that said, let's dive into it! 

“How Am I” Section

“I know I shouldn't but.. can I have another piece of cake?”

What happens in the unconscious brain: 

Based on Freud’s work, these type of questions that overwhelm us are usually thoughts linked with pent up guilt that is unconsciously working its way out

One thing is clear. Often, we don't realize the things that we think and we don't always understand our actions and our behaviors. When we stop to reflect on it, we are usually stuck in a sense of guilt for doing things that are against our values and morals and yet we cannot understand why we have done things that way. 

Based on the most known theories of Freud, the ID and the superego (based on ID, EGO and SUPEREGO Theory) are actually the ones that are behind these guilty feelings of  “should i do this or not, even if i know that i will regret it later”. 

ID is the mind that is first formed when we are born. It is something rigid on our unconscious, something that is based on the principle of pleasure. The ID is constantly seeking gratification and pleasure in order to smooth our anguish within one self.

The superEgo is different, it is the last thing that is formatted in the unconscious (after the Ego) and it works on the principle of the world’s rules. Basically it is a part of us that comprehends the world around us and it tries to follow the rules and the interdictions that were instructed when we were younger. 

Now this is why many of us struggles with this. Having craving desires about something, and that guilty feeling coming from the Superego because we have internalized that what we want is wrong. 

Someone that has had a harsh childhood, who has been neglected or has seen their rules being too strict will often struggle with this, because they need to have their ID smoothed but they cannot bear the guilt. 

This is what happens: ID wants to be fed with something comforting. Chocolate! so it stays in your head “let's have chocolate!” and the superego will whiplash right after “are you crazy? Having chocolate? you cant even fit in your pants and you want chocolate! you should be ashamed of yourself!”

This is basically how overthinking your worth will work, how one often develops Eating disorders for example or bad relationships with food, but this also happens with social relationships, addictions and any reward system. 

The fear of the outside world usually unleashed that overwhelming anxiety that will after turn into guilt if you give in to your ID or it turns into restrictive punishment if you follow the Superego. 

Many of us will put so much effort into controlling impulsive destructive thoughts  and behaviors in order to muffle the critics of Superego but that often results in depression, anxiety and an affinity with other psychological problems. 

So what can we do?

understand where those desires come from. If your ID is making you crave something, either food, social contact, a new dress, a new drink or anything that it is, ask yourself where this feeling comes from? Are you bored? are you sad? are you upset? Are you overly excited? understanding that process and allowing yourself not to be psychorigid is already a big improvement. find balance between rewarding yourself and being true to your rules. Also stop punishing yourself, You have done nothing wrong. You deserve to be happy and smoothed the same way you deserve to go beyond your addictions

Understand in which you fall. If you are the type to crave in in your desires it means these possibilities: Early trauma ou neglect, environmental stressors, maladaptive coping mechanism,, substance abuse, personality disorders, lack of emotional regulation skills and cultural and social influences 

If you fall in the fragil superego, if you are too strict with yourself, it means these possibilities: weak parental influence, traumatic experience, overly harsh and permissive parenting, lack of role model, cultural influence, early childhood experiences like rejection and personality disorders. 

For those who have balance between giving in desires and restraining, then congrats! You are a rather healthy being

Quand "ceci" explique "cela" ...

Mieux vaut la vacuité que la prétention !