#psych!

I don’t know if I’m still excited

@usafphantom2

I talked about how I actually don’t want to get married and how marrying a celebrity would be a nightmare

I don’t remember the first time I thought about sex. I don’t know if that is a truth or a lie. I may remember, but I don’t know if I do. I [think I] remember one of the first times I fantasized about things that involved bodies touching. Is it possible to be possessed by the spirit of a sex worker? A nymphomaniac? Both? I have never really resonated with the title of nymphomaniac, but I do consider myself to be a sex worker. And I don’t think that has much to do with my trauma. I think maybe my trauma has something to do with the fact that I think about sex all the time. I haven’t fucked a lot of people outside my head. I would fuck myself if I was another body. I don’t know how to summarize/describe/categorize my life and the interactions that I have had with people who want something from me, so far, as anything other than a transaction that I pay with entertainment. I feel like a show that I never prepped for, before the opening night. Now, I’m many years into the production of the show, and am getting the hang of it. But is this the show I would have picked? Would I even want to be in show business? I could not tell you (that might be a lie). Maybe I could tell you but maybe not right now (that may be another lie). I don’t know what to tell you because it’s all true, but none of it is real. The things that I consider real seem to be out of my reach, or anyone else’s. I desire to break it all down and start from scratch but break what down and start where, with what? Like, what is start and what is is and what is done and what is did? Aren’t they all the same in the grand scheme of things? I don’t remember the first time I was told that I don’t have to be something just because I want to. But does that mean I shouldn’t (or don’t have to) do or listen to that just because I was told to? But then how do I learn and grow and develop as a person? Or is this not something that people do? I was always under the impression that these are things that people must do. I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want anything except for the things that are kept from me. Does this make the things that I want mine or someone else’s? I don’t know. Don’t ask me, my license has been expired for almost three years now. But I still think about fucking my self in the bed of my truck