#proverbs 14:10

Proverbs 14:10

Each heart knows its own bitterness,

and no one else can share its joy.

Collection of current thoughts as of the present, as of today, as of the last week. 

“The heart knows its own bitterness, and no stranger shares its joy.” – Proverbs 14:10

God, I feel like you are tearing apart muscle to reach deep into the chambers of my heart to pull out the idols that have grown in these. For the last couple of days – and honestly, the last week, but I’ve kind of been ignoring the disappointment in my heart – I’ve felt really downcast. In that, I feel, lost.

I haven’t felt lost in a long time. I think when everything is going well – even yes, you have your struggles with the Lord – it is easy to say that you thrust all your hope and trust in the Lord. I remember previous to this time, always just telling God, since the beginning of this semester started, “Change my heart, O God, make it ever true” – one of the few Vineyard songs I would sing along with my parents when I was younger.

And today, while spending time with the Lord, I realized that exactly was true. The reality is – God HAS and IS answering my prayers. I’ve been praying for almost a year to this day, for God to remove me from research if it is his will. I dropped research last week. I’ve been trying – out of my own flesh – to surrender the idol of med success/academics to Jesus – He is actually taking it away, in that, I literally failed my physics midterm, and I have had absolutely no will to study the last two weeks because of my failure. I’ve been asking God to turn my eyes away from Y to Him – and I always imagined that it would be a smooth transition from looking to the left and right to starting into the eyes of Jesus. But the reality is that it is painful; to tear my eyes away from the things of life that bring pleasure and fantasy -- academic success, a boy, resume-building blocks.

The foundations I’ve built up for myself – my own mini-kingdom – built on the ideals of success – in academics, in a partner, in my resume – have literally come tumbling down in the last week. This is what I’ve prayed for, many times, for God to break me and to humble me. And now that’s He’s actually doing it…it feels bad. I wish I could say wholeheartedly that I’m grateful. It’s hard for me to say with 100% honesty that I’m grateful. It is painful. There is no definite end, yet. There is no tangible answer, as of now. But I am grateful for Jesus. And for His Word. For songs of praise. For the beauty of creation.

I remember going through the same breaking my freshman year – and I feel like I’m at that point again – where I am torn apart from my own kingdom I’ve been building and my own false identities that I’ve been holding onto. However, this time, I have a seed of hope that things will be different, because, this is not the first time I’ve had to go through this painful process.

However, even despite all my reasoning for why now, why, God, I still feel like it is difficult at the end of the day to understand WHY God does things the way He does. Just as I have been praying for all the above mentioned – and God truly is faithful in answering the above prayers, I wonder why He has not answered the prayer I’ve desired above all else – to know the love of God.

Lord, my heart is so desperate for love. You know my heart better than I know it – God, you see literally how my hunger for your love causes my heart to physically ache. Lord, you hear my cries – Lord I know you see me, I really know you hear me. But I am having trouble comprehending as to why, I must wait. Lord, you know the waiting is difficult. I’ve tried to fill it with other types of love – love from my community, love from my family, (fantasizing) love in a relationship – but at the end of the day – all other loves fail.

So God, would you please, move in my heart.

I’ve been feeling rather isolated and unloved by my community the last couple of days. Yet at the same time – I’ve come to realize that it’s not their fault; it’s not that my community purposefully excludes people, it’s just that…truly…Proverbs 14:10.

No matter how long into the night I spend sharing my heart with people I love – something I generally love doing – at the end of the day, there is TRULY only one who can satisfy, only one who can love like Jesus. And that is Jesus.

God, I don’t know what to do at this point. I have nothing left anymore, not even willpower. Today I just wanted to curl up into a ball and hide in a suitcase. I don’t want to talk to people anymore either.

God, yes, I do feel disappointment in my heart. I remember receiving prophesies about how the Lord is really going to break in this semester – that it’s going to be a new season – a season of life. I remember freshman year asking you when the desert season would end – and I thought I received the impression that it would end my junior year. Lord, I am still hopeful – but I’m just asking – would you hold onto me even when the storm comes and the rain falls and the thunder strikes and lighting flashes. When you’re rooting out all the weeds in my heart would you preserve faith. Oh Lord, give me the faith to keep holding onto the edge of your cloak – like the woman who so desperately reached out to touch the edge of your cloak Jesus – even if I can’t seem to see you in front of me. Even if you’re a crowd or three crowds away. Lord, even when it feels like other people are experiencing breakthrough, and I’m not; God, would you hold onto me. God, would you keep hold of me. Even when I’m disappointed and I cannot hide my disappointment from you, God, would you hold onto me. Lord, even when it’s dark – like the road I was walking on through campus, would I trust that there will be a light at the end of the path. Jesus, be my guide.

God, I feel sad because I thought pre-med was from you. But within the last week, all my pre-med extracurriculars have flown down the drain. I feel like you want to pull apart this pre-med identity from and give me the true identity as a daughter of Christ. But God! I never expected the process to be painful. I never imagined feeling upset at you about Y – he’s literally just a random guy in my life. But Lord, I wondered today why you had to put him in my life – if he’s not the one, couldn’t you have just placed a rando who I wouldn’t have been attracted to?

These are the parts where I’m so confused. Due to negligence, and letting idols grow in my heart – you’ve come in your mercy to break those things. But is the way my life is now, my fault, or is it all part of your will – to use my life to ultimately draw me closer to you?

I went blind once.

Everyone spoke of happiness and love and I couldn’t see it.