#progress blog

If you end up seeing this post, hey hi hello!

This is a PSA, since I've now been in eating disorder treatment for almost 9 months. Turns out the "recovery" I thought I was pursuing, some of which is documented on this "progress blog," wasn't actually what recovery looks like.

I'm leaving this blog up for my own posterity, but if you happen to come across it and start to compare our bodies, or you admire my behaviors as "disciplined", or if you feel like you're chasing a version of yourself you can't ever seem to reach: please use this opportunity to take a breath.

There was so much distress behind these pictures (and the 12 years before them, and the three years after). For me, getting actual help has been key.

If you think maybe there's even a slight chance you're struggling with your relationship with food and your body, seek support. Look into providers who practice intuitive eating and Health At Every Size (HAES). Connect with a therapist and/or dietitian with HAES and IE training. Read Anti-Diet by Christy Harrison. Watch Dr. Jeffery DeSarbo's YouTube series on the neurobiology of eating disorders. Check out NEDA for information and resources. Join support groups IRL or online. Please please please be kind to you.

Believe yourself if you think there's any possibility you need help. As one client in my residential treatment put it, "Healthy people don't spend time wondering if they're sick enough."

Feel your feels and eat your meals y'all!

I spent today on a couple of my antagonists.

The thing is, neither of them are really "antagonists" as far as "bad guys" go. They're more like "opposing forces" that go up against Jhana due to their circumstances.

One of them is the first major boss of the game, a monster of a sea serpent called the Anathema of the Abyss.

To understand this Anathema is to understand Jhana, which makes for an even stronger opening act, so I knew I needed to make this deep dive. Why did he become an Anathema? What happened, what went so wrong that he then affected Jhana's development? Did he wish to turn out this way? What did he dream of doing with his life, and what was he actually doing when he succumbed to this curse?

And hoo boy did I figure out a lot.

This is the kind of deep dive that I want to do for every part of this game. Nothing should be meaningless or filler, unless it's meant to be as comedic relief.

I'm going into the script now to draft some lines about shops, locations, and the environment of Irabu Harbor. And then maybe some story too, which should lead to the first dungeon of the game, Deeptide Shrine.

See you for another progress update!

Listening to...

I got a psychiatrist appointment but it’s not until April, but today I started ERP therapy (exposure- response- prevention.)

We had to pick something to begin with and my list seemed never ending. We chose the toilet. I get in and out as quick as I can, don’t look at mirrors, don’t look at arms, don’t look at ingrowns. I think I can do that.