#programming survivor

i want to start off by saying that i am incredibly ashamed to have urinary problems, so this post is definitely going to be difficult for me to speak about. however, i feel like this is an important topic to talk about so i will contribute to this conversation. im sure a big reason why its not talked about a lot, is that it has to do with it being a somewhat "taboo" subject (bodily fluids and all that), and on top of that people are quick to judge. so im going to be the one to say that if you struggle with these issues too, that you are not alone. you are not a burden. and i understand that it is incredibly frustrating to deal with. you are seen. you are heard.

in my personal experience, i have just recently come to the realization and acceptance regaurding the fact that this is something i struggle with a lot. ever since we were a child, we have always had issues with holding ourselves before being able to go to the bathroom causing us to frequently have accidents in our bed. this of course, caused us to get in trouble (scolding) and my parents (especially my mother) to be very confused on what was happening and how to stop it.

I vividly remember as a child in my childhood home, not being able to make it to the bathroom in time so i opted to squatting in the hallway of the house to relieve myself since i didnt want to get myself wet. i went to my mother sobbing and apologizing for it because i knew it wasn't appropriate to do so (even though i couldnt control it).

it got better with age, as we were able to teach ourselves how to hold better the older we got, but issues still persisted. we didn't realize we had issues with it until recently because during my teenage years, i was able to go to the bathroom easily since the bathroom was right across the hall from my room (some issues did occur once in awhile since there was only one bathroom in the house and my father took his sweet time in there) and i was a good enough kid at school that me asking to go to the restroom wasn't much of an issue.

i subconsciously learned that i had a timer on myself the moment i realized i had to pee, so i learned to go as quick as possible to reduce the possibility of an accident. i struggled and continue to struggle with slight urinary incontinence issues (leaking) if i have to hold myself for too long. ive never peed myself in my teenage and adult life yet, but ive come very close as it progressively gets harder and harder for me to hold it when i need to go. its, unfortunately, very embarrassing to me.

weve also had issues with needing to go frequently because i cannot trust myself to hold it even if its a small amount. and on top of that, we struggle with chronic urinary retention symptoms (scroll down a little to find the section talking about it).

our fiance recently found out we struggle with these issues. they made us feel supported, telling us that they'd never make us feel ashamed for it. it made me happy and relieved. it definitely helps having a support group.