― indigo gaitanos ghost of birthdays past
NOVEMBER 30, 2000: MANHATTAN, NEW YORK.
indigo’s not really too sure what she’s doing sat at a table in the middle of a room populated by much older people ( she’s too young to put it numerically, but to anyone a little older, it’d be obvious that each guest shared a twenty-year age difference with her at the very least ). she looks around the room hopefully, expecting her friends to run in at any second, while a tiered cake is wheeled in closely behind by some form of mythical creature. nothing of the sort happens though, and men and women she’s never met continue to come and go through the rows of tables like ants through anthill, with drinks of varying shapes, sizes and colours in hand. as time passes, she shifts uncomfortably in her seat, finally feeling just how restricting the outfit she’s wearing is, both in terms of movement and breathing room, the fabric pressing against her ribcage. her frustration with the outfit grows, putting a clear damper on her overall mood, her eyebrows knitting together in an adorable expression of confusion and anger. the situation is made worse as she feels a group of guests stare directly at her from other side of the room, their puzzled expressions giving away just how confused they are about her presence, unaware that this is supposed to be her birthday celebration. the longer they stare, the more uncomfortable indigo feels, her expression softening as she finally reaches down for blue’s hand, who instantly looks down at his little sister. he offers her a warm smile, having been in her shoes before, confused about the age and nature of the guests invited for his own birthday parties, and sat uncomfortably in an outfit he would rather have torn off.
from the corner of her eye, she spots her mother looking directly at her, her own eyebrows saying much more than words ever could. finally, she walks over to the back of her daughter's chair and bends down, as if to give her a short cheek kiss. “ indigo, χρυσό μου, could you smile more? you're turning this event into a complete downer, ” her mother whispers instead, standing back up straight before indigo can articulate a response, “ look at blue, he’s smiling. and it’s not even his birthday. ” the girl turns her head and looks at her older brother, detecting the fake nature of his smile instantly, and continuing to display nothing but sad doe eyes. it’s not until she feels blue’s hand squeeze hers that she finally feels able musters up a more or less convincing smile. it’s enough to unlock her mother's conditional affection though, and she receives a short, but oh so precious hug, soaking in every single second. she mourns the warmth of her mother's body against hers instantly once antheia moves away, almost shedding a tear, but knowing all too well that she cannot.
“ indi, let’s play a game, ” blue whispers into her ear, sensing the need for a distraction, watching his sister instantly perk up at the suggestion. “ oh, i know! let’s play ‘i spy’ — you start! ”
the girl instantly looks around the room, desperate to find something small enough to trip her brother up, all of her attention sinking away from her mother’s lack of affection and her party’s lack of cake. blue plays along, feigning confusion each time, letting his sister win each round. with each bout of laughter he’s able to extract from his sister, he feels his heart grow, thankful that while he had no one to provide him with distractions during each of his previous birthday parties, he’s around for indigo, to make sure she never suffers with the same issue. finally, after what seems like an eternity finding each detail of the room, the celebration winds down, and nine-year-old blue lets out a relieved sigh. he’s gotten his baby sister through her fifth birthday. and so he’s off the hook, until next year.
NOVEMBER 30, 2013: MANHATTAN, NEW YORK.
different year, same masquerade. she’s sat at the same table, watching as the same group of associates and business partners mingle, with champagne flutes in hand. once again, the party has very little to with her birthday — though those were the words printed in gold letters on the invitations — and everything to do with her parents desperately needing others to believe that they have it all, that they’re living the perfect life. which indigo has started correcting to ‘the perfect lie’ under her breath. finally, when it all becomes too boring, and when she realises that the newest addition to her father’s new york office has been eyeing her for over fifteen minutes, she makes her way over to the bar and mentally counts down from ten.
“ i hear today’s a special day for you, ” he offers in lieu of a greeting, sliding to her side at the bar, right as indigo reaches the end of her countdown.
“ and i hear you’re loving it at your new desk, ” she quips back, dragging her finger against the gaudy sugar rim of her cocktail. she turns to face him, and brings her finger to her mouth, letting her tongue pick up the remnants of sugar on her index finger.
“ did your dad tell you? or are you assuming? ” he replies, seemingly interested in the answer and almost eliciting an eye roll from indigo, completely failing to engage in the flirtatious back and forth she was expecting.
“ are you sure you really want to talk about my dad right now? ” she coaxes, cocking her head to one side, taking the reins of the conversation in her own hands, given how pathetically oblivious the newcomer is to what she’s trying to do.
he shakes his head, and she watches as he finally realises what she’s been suggesting, his lips forming a lowercase ‘o’ as everything sinks in. within seconds, indigo’s managed to sneak them both out of the party, pushing the suit-clad man into the closest secluded area. once they’re more or less hidden from prying eyes — she’s not really too concerned — indigo goes into a bizarre form of autopilot mode. she drops to her knees, and it’s not long until he metaphorically falls to his. her first name echoes out of his mouth between laboured breaths, and she can feel a growing part of herself relish the moment. because in that instant, she knows that he’s thinking about her and her only, and the sheer idea of that is enough to make up for the affection she so desperately craves but will not receive on her ‘special day’ as he put it earlier.
“ and here i thought we were supposed to give gifts to the birthday girl, ” he jokes, while attempting to regain his breath while she stands back up, and tucks a few loose strands of hair behind her ear.
“ i don’t take gifts from strangers, ” she demurs, her tone losing all of the sensuality she’d infused into it prior. she’s gotten what she needed from him, and quite frankly has come out of the experience feeling very little, prompting her to cut all ties with the wide-eyed newcomer as soon as possible.
“ i wouldn’t say we’re strangers, i mean — ”
“ i don’t know your name, and we haven’t formally been introduced, ” she interrupts, deadpan. “ so, as i said: strangers. ”
with that said, she moves away from the man and his perplexed look, and walks back into the crowded ballroom, finding the seat she was at before. she takes a long sip from the glass of water she’d left for herself minutes before, and waits for her brother’s return, knowing all too well he’s likely not gone too far.
“ finally! — i’ve been looking for you all over, ” blue exclaims, sitting back down next to his sister, a flute of champagne in each hand. she’s not yet twenty-one, but everyone’s far too entranced in their respective conversations to notice.
“ i was busy meeting dad’s newest recruit — informally, ” she hints, taking a sip from her flute, craning her neck subtly towards the man coming through the doorway of the large ballroom.
“ of course, ” he acquiesces, offering his sister an amused nod. both siblings have learned not to judge over the years, making their way through birthdays and holidays by their own means. mirroring her actions, he picks up his own flute and takes a few short sips, politely nodding at the waves of men and women who pass by their table. “ how’s dad’s new protégé then? did his shiny upenn degree get him a couple extra points on the indigo scale? ” he whispers, minutes later, noticing the subject of their conversation sit uneasily at the bar.
“ shiny doesn’t make up for boring and easy to read, so no, no extra points. we’ve got ourselves yet another bland ivy boy, i’m afraid. ”
as they both continue to sip on their champagne, their minds drift off. while indigo shrugs off yet another meaningless birthday surrounded by nameless and faceless many, blue mentally sighs at the fact that indigo’s finally eighteen. after years of coming up with diversions on her birthday, he now knows she’s old enough to come up with her own. or, at least, she’s found her own diversions for this particular birthday. so he’s off the hook, until next year.
NOVEMBER 30, 2014: PORTLAND, MAINE.
her hands tear open the envelope she found in her newly assigned mailbox, fingers reaching for the card inside. she opens it and recognises the handwriting instantly, matching it up mentally to her father’s assistant. tearing up the small piece of card paper, she sighs, partly saddened by her parents’ lack of effort, but mostly relieved that she’s not being forced into another dress she can’t breathe in solely to be paraded around faces she doesn’t recognise. that being said, there is one person she misses. being away from blue, gets harder every year, and this time is no exception. he’s guided her through enough birthdays for her to suddenly feel lost without him. after checking the time difference between portland and london, she deems it early enough for a phone call and walks out into her residence hall’s hallway as she dials his number. a few minutes later, she hears his voice on the other end, asking her to leave a message. the sounds echo in her ear and she feels her stomach twist, before slowly sinking to the ground. she can feel her face contort and her throat close up just early enough to bury her face into her hands. she cries silently for a few minutes, before a voice breaks the silence of marston hall’s empty hallway. “ are you ok? ” the voice asks, prompting her to lift her head. through tear-stricken eyes, the figure’s mess of dark hair almost looks like blue’s, and she’s forced to wipe her eyes to make sure it isn’t. once she registers the boy’s green eyes, it’s immediately obvious that the person towering over her isn’t her older brother.
“ i — yeah, i’m fine, ” she sighs, flashing the other the seemingly genuine smile she’s practiced for so many years.
“ mind if i sit? ” the boys asks, pointing to the spot next to her.
though indigo initially felt like company was the last thing she needed, she nods and actually finds his presence quite comforting once their shoulders are in close proximity. neither of them say anything for a few minutes, and the hallway is once again completely silent.
“ what do you think of marston? ” he asks finally, turning his head to face her.
“ i don’t mind it too much, ” indigo murmurs, with a slight shrug. it takes her a second to realise what he’s doing, but a metaphorical lightbulb finally lights up above her head once she moves past her confusion as to why he cares about her opinion of marston. much like blue years prior, he’s trying to distract her, and make her think of something other than what just made her cry. “ on one hand, it’s got the stereotypical old building charm. on the other, the walls, floors and ceilings are so paper thin that i’m pretty sure i could give you a detailed schedule of when the guy who lives above me sleeps with his girlfriend. — i’m assuming it’s his girlfriend, i only hear one female voice, and it’s always the same, ” she adds with a little more enthusiasm, still actively avoiding eye contact.
“ do you think you’ll live here next year too? ” he inquires, resting the back of his head against the wall behind them, and staring at the opposite wall and its odd choice of paint colour.
“ hopefully not. i’m a pledge in a sorority right now, so — fingers crossed — i’ll be a member by january and start living there early next fall semester, ” she replies, extending her legs so that they rest parallel to his. there’s a short bout of silence between the two of them again, interrupted by indigo this time, who turns to face the boy, finally. “ i’m indigo, by the way, like the colour. — sorry that you had to walk in on my public meltdown. i came out here to avoid forcing my roommate to deal with my emotions, but i forced you to do it instead. ”
“ i’m elliot. — and it’s ok. hallways are public spaces, ” he utters back, offering her a smile.
she nods at his remark, feeling slightly less guilty about forcefully involving him in her birthday breakdown. over the years, she’s developed a hard shell, and various coping mechanisms — most of which involved her brother — to avoid a public outpour of emotion. but, truth be told, in that very moment, with blue unavailable, she’s not quite sure how to cope.
“ as of today i’m nineteen, ” she blurts out, every atom in her body choosing to trust the boy next to her, while her mind screams to take every word back immediately. “ and this might sound really stupid, but i’ve never spent a single birthday without my brother to guide me through things, and now i don’t really know what to do. ”
“ no, i understand. birthdays are — they’re complicated, ” he replies softly, not adding much context to his words. not that much is needed. relationships with birthday celebrations come in all shapes and sizes, with a mind-blowing variety of backstories.
after their individual audible sighs, silence settles between the two of them again, neither wanting to delve deeper into their own version of their backstory most likely. seconds pass, and indigo becomes painfully aware that she needs another distraction, and fast.
“ do you smoke? the gender neutral bathroom downstairs has a really nice tub, and i’ve been meaning to make it my new smoking spot, ” she states, biting her tongue as she realises he’s not aware of her relationship to bathtubs.
“ i’ve never — ”
she barely leaves time for the other to reply and explain he hasn’t smoked before, the beginning of his sentence serving as enough motivation for her to get up from the sad position she’d previously assumed. as she turns to go grab supplies in her room, she wonders what blue would have to say about how she’s handling herself. a part of her truly believes he’d be thankful she’s choosing a less carnal coping mechanism, while the other wonders what he’d say about her adopting his smoking habit. either way, she’s found something to keep her mind busy, so she’s off the hook, until next year.
