I want a polygamous arrangement, I may not love them equally but it is what I want and I want it for the sole purpose of vanity, vanity for the sake of my redemption, redemption from the humiliation I’ve endured throughout my youth, humiliation which at times was imposed upon me against my will and at other times a result of my stupidity, yes, vanity for the sake of redemption, is there truly any other way to redeem myself? Is there any other way to redeem myself which has nothing to do with wielding power over others? The answer is no, I’ve learned the hard way, having been castrated and emasculated I have indeed learned this the hard way, I have endured the consequences of such a life, I have been miserable looking for a solution to redeem myself, the will of God has spoken, there is no other way but the will to power.
I have been miserable because the solution demands me to make major shifts in my conduct and in my routine, this routine which deludes me into believing I’m safe but in reality is a routine I’ve adopted at a young age so as to submit to my masters in hopes of safety and comfort, neither of which have ever come to fruition as I’ve been afflicted with my own reality, my own nature, my own personality, as I am not one to submit and conform to the will of others, yet my masters, whoever they used to be, have certainly left their mark, perhaps their mark will always remain, perhaps the best I can achieve is ensuring their mark remains as only a phantom of mine, a relic of a lesson well learned. Perhaps I will never remember who my masters once were and what they had done to me explicitly, perhaps the memories will come to me naturally the more I heal and overcome their markings, perhaps what is most important is that I recognize and understand the signs, the warnings, and the relics of their torment from all that time ago so that I at least know where I must go, what I must do, and why I must be.