#postmortalliving

Let’s address the elephant in the crypt. Yes, we know you’re out there. Yes, we know modern society wasn't built for those of us who perceive time in centuries rather than fiscal quarters.

The Undead Association is your premier support network for post-mortal integration. Think of us as HR, but for vampires, ghouls, and the occasionally resurrected. Whether you need help setting up a nocturnal bank account, or simply finding a roommate who won't ask why you keep bags of O-negative in the crisper drawer, we are here.

How to survive the True Crime era when your primary feeding method involves leaving saliva at the scene. 🩸🧬

We need to have a serious talk about modern forensics. In the age of 23andMe, rapid DNA sequencing, and a population absolutely obsessed with true crime podcasts, leaving a messy bite mark on a mortal is basically leaving your business card with the local authorities.

If you don't want to end up as the subject of a ten-part Netflix documentary, you need to update your feeding protocols. Here are TUA’s top strategies for avoiding a forensic disaster:

Rely on the "Chimera Effect": Here is the good news about being undead. If you are more than a century old, your cellular structure is a disaster. Your saliva doesn't just contain your original DNA; it is a chaotic, fragmented cocktail of the last five hundred people you've fed on. If a modern crime lab actually swabs a bite mark you left, the results will come back as a bizarre amalgamation of a 14th-century peasant, a Victorian chimney sweep, and a guy named Dave from 2018. The technicians will assume the sample is contaminated and throw it out.

Carry Antibacterial Wipes: Good manners are also good forensics. Always carry medical-grade alcohol wipes or hydrogen peroxide. A quick, polite swipe over the puncture wound when you finish feeding degrades residual DNA and prevents the mortal from getting a secondary infection. It's called being a considerate apex predator.

Pivot to Phlebotomy: Honestly, why are you still biting people in dark alleys like it’s 1897? It is 2026. Take a weekend certification course, learn how to use a butterfly needle, and extract your meals into sterile medical bags. No saliva, no jagged bite marks, no frantic scrubbing. Just clean, professional extraction. Plus, humans will let you do almost anything to them if you wear scrubs and carry a clipboard.

The "Wellness" Cover-Up: If you do slip up and a mortal wakes up asking about the two red marks on their neck, immediately gaslight them into thinking they booked a high-end, holistic micro-needling or acupuncture session. Tell them it promotes "lymphatic drainage." They will literally thank you.