Itâs not that he doesnât love Lydia. Of course he loves Lydia. Heâs always loved her; been infatuated with her; fascinated with the idea of her. That never really went away. It just changed; grew deeper and more complex with everything that they had experienced.
Itâs just that after she drives him to college and leaves him with a lingering kiss and a promise that sheâd see him soon, things feel different.
So much has happened since that night he dragged Scott into the woods to look for the body of Laura Hale. So much has happened that he doesnât really feel like he fits into his own life. He tries to ignore it; to pretend that everything is okay; but after the Ghost Riders, he realises he canât pretend anymore.
It might be the fact that he was stuck waiting in the train station with Peter Hale but heâs been thinking about Derek. Heâs been thinking about Derek a lot, thinking that if anyone understands what itâs like to feel like you donât fit into your own life, it would be Derek.
One night, after a few too many beers, he texts Derek. He doesnât expect a response, sure that Derek has changed his number many, many times since he left Beacon Hills without so much as a goodbye. Hell, who knows if Derek even has a phone anymore? Itâs not like he was good at texting even when he had some semblance of a pack, of people that maybe, sort of cared about him.
I donât feel like Iâm me anymore. Feels like Iâm trying really hard to be the same but it just seems hollow.
He doesnât get a response but it doesnât really bother him. He wasnât expecting one anyway. Heâs stopped expecting things from people. Heâs stopped expecting a lot of things. That voice in the back of his head tells him that he stopped expecting things from Derek when he left without saying goodbye, like hours in a pool meant absolutely nothing, like Stiles meant absolutely nothing.
So yeah, he wasnât expecting a reply. He just wanted to say the words.
After that, it kind of becomes a thing.
It doesnât happen all the time. During the day, Stiles manages just fine. He has classes and assignments and even a couple of tentative friends who heâll grab a coffee with every now and then.
Itâs a different story at night though. He tosses and turns for hours, terrified that if he falls asleep, heâll disappear again and that no one will bring him back. Those endless days in the train station plague his thoughts and he just canât seem to escape them. It feels like heâs running through those tunnels again, only to end up exactly where he started.
So he tells Derek everything. He pours out the whole story, explains the terror he felt when he knew that he would be taken; when people looked him dead in the eye and had no idea who he was. He explains the frustration he felt when Peter was the only one he could rely on; the bitter disappointment when Peter left and he was all alone. He tells Derek everything and it feels like heâs standing on the edge of a cliff, just screaming into the empty nothingness. The words are out there and even if Derek never replies, itâs better to have written them than to have done nothing. Itâs ever so slightly relieved the feeling of slowly choking on the terror.
He ends his text message like this: sometimes I think Iâll disappear again and no one will come looking.
And then his phone beeps.
Thatâs it. Two words and Stiles feels like he can breathe again. Someone would come looking for him.
 Itâs not like those two words opened a floodgate of communication but Derek does occasionally reply.
When I do sleep, I see Allison dying. I wonder if Scott blames me. I blame me.
If I had been a better Alpha, Erica and Boyd would have stayed. No one blamed me for that, just like no one blames you for Allison.
Do you think Iâll ever stop blaming myself?
Iâm not the right person to ask about blame.
 ---
Found handcuffs in my roommateâs closet. Think he uses them for community safety on full moons or heâs just really into 50 Shades of Grey?
Stiles, itâs far more likely that your roommate is an aspiring Mr. Grey than a werewolf. Put them back where you found them. Itâs rude to snoop.
Omfg I canât believe you know what 50 Shades of Grey is!
Everyone knows what 50 Shades of Grey is.
You arenât everyone though! I didnât know that you read books. Or watched movies. Or had any knowledge of pop culture.
Derek doesnât text back. Instead, he gets sent a photo of a bookshelf. Itâs so full that Stiles is genuinely impressed; it doesnât look like even one more title could be added to that collection. He doesnât know why but he finds himself feeling kind of sad that he didnât know this about Derek whilst he was living in Beacon Hills. Stiles tries not to dwell on the feeling but he knows himself well enough to know that heâs feeling guilty.
He knows what itâs like to wonder if anyone would care enough to come looking if he disappeared. He imagines thatâs how Derek felt after his family died and Stiles didnât do anything to make him think otherwise. Â
---
Itâs the night of the full moon and Stiles feels strange, like something is missing. He was invited to a party or two but declined, pretending that he had an assignment he really needed to finish. Heâs weeks ahead of his course work but he doesnât want to go out tonight. He knows his friends back in Beacon Hills are going to be okay without him; knows that itâs a good thing that he hasnât heard from them; but it stings a little.
He doesnât like feeling so replaceable.
He sends Lydia a text message, asking how everything is going. He doesnât want them to be in danger; doesnât want them to struggle without him; but it would be nice if they noticed his absence. Heâs hoping that Lydia will tell him that theyâre okay but that they miss him.
She doesnât reply straight away and he doesnât know what to do with himself.
He can see the moon out of his dorm room window. He snaps a picture and sends it to Derek without thinking. Never thought Iâd miss chaining Scott to a radiator, he captions the photo. He thinks he means for it to be a joke but even to his own eyes, the words seem flat on his screen. He sends them anyway. Itâs not like heâs been censoring himself recently, not around Derek anyway.
On my first full moon alone, I howled at the moon, hoping that someone would answer. Itâs lonely without pack.
Iâm not really pack though, he responds. Itâs easier than acknowledging the fact that Derekâs family burned to death in their family home; that crazy Uncle Peter tore his sister into pieces; that his only remaining family are either certifiably insane or residing with a pack in South America.
Itâs okay to miss being needed.
I donât know if they ever really needed me.
Derek texts back a photo of a pool.
A quick internet search confirms that itâs just a stock photo from Google but his heart races anyway. He remembers diving into the pool and holding Derek afloat; how terrified he had been that they would both drown; that his dad would find his body and drink himself into an early grave.
He hadnât cared about Derek then, not really, not the way he cared about him now. He had held Derek afloat because it was the right thing to do and because he was selfish. He knew that if he and his friends had any chance of surviving this, they would need Derek.
Near death experiences donât count as being needed.
This time Derek is the one who doesnât reply. Itâs fair enough, really. Stiles wouldnât really know what to say to that either.
 ---
When he wakes up in the morning, he has three unread messages.
Lydia tells him that all is well in Beacon Hills and tells him to check his email because sheâs edited his latest essay. He tells Lydia thanks and tries to ignore the flicker of disappointment in his chest.
It counts as being needed. You werenât just kept around because you were better than nothing. Youâre an asset, Stiles. Youâre smart, yet somehow stupid enough to throw yourself into danger without thinking twice. Underneath that unrelenting sarcasm and attitude, you care a hell of a lot. If it wasnât for Scott, his attitude towards me and some of his questionable decisions, Iâd have asked you to join my pack.
A second message, sent about an hour later, reads tell anyone and Iâll rip your throat out with my teeth.
He canât help but laugh.
Lydia asks Stiles if heâs coming back to Beacon Hills for break. It had always been his plan to spend break at home, to fall back into things like he had never really left. He goes to reply, to tell Lydia that heâll leave after his last classon Thursday, but he finds himself lying.
Sorry Lydia, totally broke. Canât afford flights and I donât think the Jeep would survive the drive. Maybe you could come here instead?
I canât. Itâs all hands on deck here.
She doesnât elaborate. More noticeably, she doesnât offer any financial assistance. Whilst he would turn it down, the Martins are one of the richest families in Beacon Hills and Lydia is generous with her money. If she cares about someone, she shows it with material gestures. He hasnât seen Lydia in months; since she drove up to college with him. Shouldnât she want to see him? Shouldnât he be moving mountains to see her? This is Lydia, after all. Heâs been in love with her for as long as he can remember.
All he knows is that something doesnât feel right here. Thereâs a gentle hum of disappointment under his skin but when he examines it, he finds that it seems to be related to the fact that he didnât know Beacon Hills was facing another threat. It doesnât seem to have anything to do with the fact that heâs not going to be seeing Lydia this break. He doesnât know much about relationships but he knows that sheâs supposed to offer and heâs supposed to care.
His fingers hover uncertainly over his phone, not quite sure what to say. He canât actually remember the last time he properly spoke to Lydia. They text a few times a week, when he has time between class and sheâs not busy with pack business. He scrolls back through the conversation and heâs struck by how superficial it seems. He canât even remember the last time that they spoke on the phone. They agreed to have weekly Face Time calls but after their plans fell through three times in a row, they stopped making arrangements.
In the end, he sends back a simple good luck. He needs more time to analyse before he says anything more.
 ---
He manages to fall asleep before 3am, which is no small feat these days. He dreams of his mum, of her body on the kitchen floor and his tears marking her face as he cries down the phone, begging for an ambulance. He dreams of her body on a cool metal table in the morgue, of his father having to identify the body because his mum was sick and Stiles couldnât get the ambulance quick enough to save her.
He dreams of Peter offering him the bite but this time he accepts it, sick and tired of being the weak, defenseless human. He can feel the pain, can feel fire coursing through his veins, and he knows that the bite isnât taking. He isnât strong enough to survive the bite so heâs going to die, all alone on the cold, hard concrete.
He dreams of the pool, of Derek growing heavier and heavier. âItâs okayâ, Derek whispers, as Stiles has no choice but to let go. He watches Derekâs paralysed body sinking to the bottom of the pool, his lungs burning as they fill with water, and he cannot do anything.
He sees Erica standing on his front porch, smiling at him. He relaxes. Maybe this is a nice dream. Erica is alive and happy, which is how things should be. He tentatively smiles back, lifts a hand in greeting. Her smile grows wider, showing bloody teeth, and he reels back. Blood keeps dripping, gushing out of her mouth, until she keels over on his welcome mat. He doubles over and vomits on his front lawn.
He dreams of Gerard. He manages to get free, trips as he tries to run up the stairs and escape the basement. Gerald just laughs as he slowly walks up the stairs and takes hold of his leg. He screams as Gerard drags him back down the stairs, knowing exactly what fate awaits him there.
He dreams of motel car parks and road flares, of Scott going up in flames because Stiles isnât enough to save him; because Stiles has never been enough. He says all the right words but Scott just scoffs and tells him that he wishes he had never met him, that his life would have been so much better without Stiles, that it was Stilesâ fault they were in the woods that night. Scott tells him that everything has always been his fault, then drops the road flare and the whole car park burns a fierce red.
He dreams of the Nogitsune, of the darkness. He pushes the blade into Allisonâs stomach, hears Lydiaâs screams reverberating off the tunnel walls. He wants to take it back, to do something, to save the girl his best friend loved; to save the girl he once considered a friend. He canât do anything though; heâs not strong enough to fight the darkness.
He dreams of the Ghost Riders, of endless days and nights waiting for someone to remember him, of thinking that maybe it would be better for everyone if he didnât come back. Easier, maybe. He dreams that he comes back and his dadâs face contorts into something unrecognisable, twisted by anger and grief; the regret of choosing to remember his son at the cost of losing his wife all over again.
He awakes suddenly, covered in sweat and gasping for air. He doesnât think, just grabs his phone and dials the only person he thinks will understand.
It doesnât matter that itâs nearly 4am. Derek answers the phone after the second ring and god, Stiles has missed his voice. He didnât realise just how much until he hears it again.
Months ago, Derek texted I would and Stiles felt like he could breathe again. Now, Derek has said his name and he feels grounded again, like his feet are back on the ground.
âBad dreamâ, he answers. âSorry for waking youâ. He knows Derek wasnât asleep but itâs the polite thing to say.
Derek doesnât say anything. Years ago, back when they first met, Stiles interpreted the silence as frustration, like Derek was purposely not fulfilling his role in the conversation so that Stiles would get the hint and shut up. After a while, Stiles started to think that Derek was silent because he was socially awkward and just didnât really know how to participate in a conversation. After all, he had been alone for a long time.
Derekâs silence seems different now, though, like heâs giving Stiles a chance to process his thoughts and decide where he needs to begin.
âWhy did you leave without saying goodbye?â he asks, acknowledging for the first time that he was bothered by it.
âI didnât think anyone would really careâ, Derek says, like itâs that simple. In Derekâs eyes, it probably was that simple.
âI didâ. He pauses and the silence stretches between them for a few more seconds as Derek allows Stiles to collect his thoughts. âI was the one who realised you were gone. I went to the loft after school and the place was empty. I donât have werewolf senses so I couldnât just track you down⌠I drove around for hours looking for you. I was fucking terrified that you had been taken by someone or something but then I found Peter at that stupid abandoned train cart you used to live in. He told me that you had gone and that you didnât want to be found. That fucking stung, by the way. You said goodbye to Peter but not to meâ.
âHeâs familyâ. Again, his words are spoken like itâs just that simple.
âBlood isnât always thicker than water, Derek! Peter is a fucking lunatic, alright? He killed Laura! Thatâs unforgivable! I know Iâm just some stupid, spastic teenager and that youâd happily rip my throat out with your teeth if it wouldnât stain your upholstery but I deserved a fucking goodbyeâ.
Itâs not until he says the words aloud that he realises how angry he is. He cares about Derek. He has done for a long time now. He trusts Derek in a way that he doesnât trust anyone else and thatâs not a recent thing. The reason he feels comfortable enough texting Derek all his deepest, darkest thoughts isnât just because he thinks Derek will understand. Itâs because he trusts Derek. Quiet, angry, hurting Derek who proved himself time and time again; who proved that despite all his faults, he would show up when it counted; would save and protect Stiles no matter what. He thought that maybe, just maybe, Derek trusted him too; that maybe Derek cared just a little bit; but then he left without so much as a goodbye or a forwarding address.
Stiles doesnât know what else to say so he hangs up.
I should have said goodbye.
I wanted to but I wasnât sure you would care.
Actually, thatâs a lie. I think I knew that you, out of all people, would understand why I was leaving. I think I was just trying to avoid an honest conversation that I wasnât ready for.
He doesnât text Derek for about a week. He tells himself that itâs because he needs to invest more time into his studies and into his relationship with Lydia but he knows thatâs a lie borne out of self-preservation.
In all honesty, heâs scared.
He hasnât been scared of Derek for a long time. Heâs been scared for Derek and whilst around Derek, both of which are common feelings considering Derek seems to have an annoyingly persistent habit of getting into life threatening danger.
Heâs scared now though because Derek can be awfully perceptive when he wants to be. Derek also happens to understand him more than most other people these days, which is why Stiles has been messaging him in the first place. If Derek was really listening â and Stiles thinks that he was â then heâs revealed just a little bit too much about his feelings.
Stiles has always found Derek attractive. Even when Derek was threatening to rip his throat out or pushing his head into a steering wheel, heâs been very aware that Derek is more attractive than most people in Beacon Hills combined. Stiles has eyes after all. Heâs sure that Derek is aware of it; that heâs smelt the arousal that seems to follow Stiles everywhere he goes, particularly where Derek is involved. Derek, to his credit, has politely ignored the attraction rather than acknowledging it and causing never ending humiliation.
Somewhere along the way, things shifted. The more time Stiles spent around Derek, the more he realised that Derek wasnât just a pretty face. He had been through hell and somehow still survived but it was more than that. Weaker men would have crumbled if they had gone through half as much pain as Derek but he came through it all and somehow, he still cared about people. He turned Isaac, Erica and Boyd because he was lonely but also because he thought he was giving them a better life. He showed up, time and time again, even when he didnât have to. Even though he said that he didnât, he knew that Derek trusted him. Derekâs actions spoke far louder than his words and somewhere along the way, Stiles had proven himself to Derek. The threats and the violence had been replaced with an understanding that they had each otherâs backs.
When he went to Derekâs apartment and found it empty, he had realised. Things had just clicked into place and he knew that his physical attraction to Derek had grown into something deeper and stronger. It was a secret that Stiles had intended to take to his grave. He had shoved it into the far corners of his mind and pretended that he wasnât bothered by Derekâs absence; he had dated Malia and then Lydia and acted like everything was fine.
He had never talked about it so when those words tumbled out of his mouth, the anger and the frustration and the hurt feelings were still so fresh. Derek is smart enough to put the pieces together and realise that thereâs something more there, at least on Stilesâ end.
So yeah, heâs scared. Heâs not scared that Derek wonât reciprocate his feelings because he already knows that Derek doesnât feel the same. Heâs terrified that heâll lose Derek completely and he doesnât know how heâll be able to handle it.
Itâs pathetic but heâs felt more human over the last few months than he has since Derek left. He isnât ready to lose that.
---
He and Lydia break up during the week that heâs ignoring Derek.
They manage to have a Face Time conversation and about three minutes in, she tells him he looks like complete crap. He tells her that heâs struggling with the distance, that after everything, he just isnât ready to come back to Beacon Hills and sheâs far too valuable to travel to him and leave the town unprotected.
Lydia doesnât even look surprised and sheâs polite enough not to call him on his bullshit.
âItâs better that we end it now. Iâve received an early acceptance to the University of Cambridge so in the near future, weâll be on different continentsâ, she says in agreement.
Thereâs a lot left unsaid. Theyâre both aware that Stiles is no longer the same person he was in third grade, when he decided that he was going to be in love with Lydia Martin forever. Theyâve both lost people and gone through more trauma than most people see in a lifetime. Rather than growing together, they grew apart. Stiles knows that a lot of the responsibility for that rests on his shoulders; that he should have worked through his issues with Lydia, that he should have trusted her with the burden he was carrying.
He was just so in love with the idea of Lydia; so desperate to have the perfect relationship that he had been dreaming of for years that he refused to share his darkness out of fear that it would taint everything.
He ignores the voice telling him that Derek Hale has already seen him at his worst and seems to tolerate him regardless.
---
For someone who once thought that Lydia Martin shined brighter than the sun, heâs remarkably okay with their breakup.
Scott texts him for the first time in weeks, a simple
heard the news. Hope youâre okay.
He replies with a smiley face. He doesnât think thereâs much else to say. He and Scott will always be brothers but theyâre living different lives now.
After a particularly sleepless night, he texts Derek. He figures that if Derek was going to make a scene over Stilesâ little crush, he would have done it already.
Would your arm have grown back?
Do you think about that a lot?
Iâve done a lot of research and canât seem to find the answer. Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â
We arenât related to starfish. Iâm 99% sure Iâd have ended up with a stump.
---
He gets to know Derek a lot better over text.
Breaking Bad or Walking Dead?
Is that even a question, bitch?
Winter. I remember learning how to snowboard when I was younger. My family had a lodge.
Favourite Harry Potter character?
George Weasley or Sirius Black. Ten minutes later, his iPhone indicates that Derek is still typing a message. Itâs worth the wait when Derek practically sends an essay about why he likes each character. That leads to a three hour phone call about why Severus Snape is a bad person. Stiles falls asleep while Derek is ranting about the scene in the movie where Severus steps over James Potterâs dead body to see Lily.
The fact that Derekâs a secret Harry Potter fanatic makes him way happier than he should be.
 ---
Late at night, their text messages grow more serious.
I donât think Iâve had any truly terrible relationships. I havenât really been heartbroken or betrayed. I think Iâve been a bad boyfriend though. Both Lydia and Malia deserve better.
You werenât heartbroken over Lydia?
Not really. I was more in love with the idea of her.
Thatâs how I feel about Kate.
He doesnât reply; chooses to call Derek instead. Itâs 2am and for the first time ever, Derek tells another person what happened with Kate Argent. Stiles had put most of the pieces together a long time ago but hearing Derek tell the story is the most horrific thing Stiles has ever heard. The police reports had noted that Derek, Laura and Peter were the only survivors; that Derekâs mother and father, his grandmother, three younger siblings, and four cousins of various ages had all perished in the fire.
Derekâs voice doesnât waver as he tells Stiles that Kate had seduced him; that he had told Kate all about his family; that he had mentioned a family gathering that he wanted her to attend. He tells Stiles that he came home from lacrosse practice to see his family home burning to the ground.
Stiles only utters four words that night but repeats them like a mantra until Derekâs breathing evens out and he drifts off to sleep.
---
Did you love Jennifer?
No. I think I could have in time but we both know how that ended.
Why did you believe me when I told you she was evil?
Because itâs you. Youâre one of the only people that hasnât lied to me. That earned you a little bit of faith.
No. I think I wanted to show the world that I had survived Kate and Jennifer and didnât have any emotional wounds. I think most people would call that a rebound relationship.
Do you think you could fall in love again?
Stiles waits for an excruciating seven minutes before Derek replies.
 ---
I tried to tell my dad that I was bisexual once. I think he thought I was joking.
I never got to tell any of my family that Iâm bisexual. After the fire, Laura and I moved to New York. I wanted to tell her but I couldnât find the words. I couldnât find the words about Kate either. I like to think that she knew anyway and loved me regardless.
Iâm sorry I accused you of her murder. That was really fucked up.
 I was never really going to rip out your throat with my teeth.
It was easier to just be angrier all the time. Anger is easier to manage than grief.
Was easier? Are you not angry anymore?
Iâm still angry but itâs not the only thing I feel anymore. These messages help. So does therapy.
Derek Hale in therapy? I never thought Iâd see the day! In all seriousness, Iâve thought about therapy a lot. I went after my mum died and it helped a little bit. I just donât know where Iâd find a therapist who knows about the supernatural.
Derek texts him a phone number for a counsellor about fifteen minutes off campus. He doesnât ask Derek how he knew what college he was at.
 ---
Peter offered me the bite once.
I didnât know. Iâm glad you didnât take it?
Because Iâd be a terrible werewolf?
Because no one should be connected to Peter in that way. I think youâd make an excellent werewolf. Far better than Scott.
 ---
Have you seen the latest episode of Game of Thrones?
He calls Derek and they talk for hours. He almost hangs up the phone when Derek tells him that he doesnât understand the appeal of Jon Snow but he likes the sound of Derekâs voice far too much.
 ---
On April 8th, he gets sent a photo of a cheesy card wishing him many happy returns.
Happy 18th birthday, Stiles.
He sends Derek a photo of his face with his widest grin. He didnât even know that Derek knew his birthday.
And how old are you going to be? I vaguely remember starting at Beacon Hills high as you were getting to graduate but then when we saw you in the woods, you looked like you were 80.
Iâm only four years older than you, Stiles. Iâll be turning 22 but I havenât celebrated in years.
But if someone wanted to hypothetically post you a card and a present, where would they send it?
Derek sends him an address in New York City. Stiles doesnât need to ask; he instinctively knows that this is the apartment that Derek and Laura lived in before her death.
 ---
Do you think youâll ever go back to Beacon Hills?
Not unless itâs an emergency. I was supposed to go back with Laura when we heard about the killings in our territory but I told her that I wasnât ready. I made her go alone.
 ---
Stiles canât sleep. He Face Times Derek and pesters him until he finally agrees to start watching Parks and Recreation.
Stiles has the same episode playing on his laptop but he finds himself paying more attention to Derekâs face than the episode. Heâs never seen Derek laugh before and the sight of him chuckling is mesmerizing.
It becomes a regular thing. Derek watches something on Netflix; Stiles watches Derek.
 ---
I hope you fall in love with someone who loves you as much as I do.
Stiles should not be allowed access to his phone while under the influence of alcohol. He texts Derek that exact sentiment the next morning but Derek doesnât respond.
 ---
He doesnât hear from Derek again.
 ---
Iâm really sorry, Derek.
I shouldnât have made things awkward between us.
Your friendship is more than enough, I swear. Iâm not going to push for something that you donât want.
 ---
None of his messages elicit a reply and god, it hurts like a fucking bitch. He thinks he finally knows what itâs like to have a broken heart.
He receives a text from Lydia.
A little bird told me that Derek Hale is currently moping in New York City.
I didnât realise you were in contact with Cora. Hell, I didnât realise that Cora was in contact with Derek.
Of course Iâm in contact with Cora. Sheâs a useful contact. As for her contact with Derek, thatâs only a recent development. Their pack bond still exists in some form; she reached out when she realised that something didnât feel right.
What am I supposed to do about Derek moping? Itâs kind of his thing.
Thereâs an email from Lydia. Itâs a forward from a travel agent, confirming that a flight for a Mr. M. Stilinski has been booked for this Saturday.
He doesnât know what to say. It turns out he was right about Lydia Martin â when she cares about someone, she shows it in materialistic gestures. This might be the greatest gesture that sheâs ever done.
 ---
Stiles can barely sit still during the flight to New York City. Heâs terrified that Derek will slam the door in his face but he knows that if he doesnât try, heâll regret it.
The cab ride to Derekâs apartment takes an eternity. He almost forgets to grab his bag in his rush to get out of the cab and forces himself to take a deep breath; to slow down just a little.
He mentions to get into the building without buzzing, darting through an open door as one of the tenants leave the building. Before he got on the flight, Lydia had texted him the apartment number, and his hands shake as he knocks on the door.
âStiles?â Derekâs voice sounds even better in person. âWhat are you doing here?â
âYou didnât reply to my textsâ, he says like itâs just that simple. In his eyes, it is.
It seems like it might be just that simple to Derek too because he grabs him and pulls him close. Before Stiles can protest about being manhandled, Derekâs lips are against his and the words die on his tongue.
âWhy didnât you reply?â he asks a few hours later. He and Derek had eventually made it to the bedroom and it was everything Stiles had imagined and more. It was worth forgoing the conversation but Stiles couldnât ignore the obvious for much longer.
âI panicked. Over text, it was easy. I could say whatever I wanted and not worry about the repercussions. The thought of it becoming something more was terrifying, Stiles. You know my relationship historyâ.
âAnd you know that Iâm not like any of themâ.
Derek nods in agreement. âYouâre not like them. Youâre more than them. You already mean more. I wanted to be in a better place before giving this a chanceâ.
âThatâs why youâre in therapy?â
âYeah. Iâve been considering it for a long time but that night when you yelled at me for leaving without goodbye was the final push I neededâ, Derek explains. âIâm still not completely there. There are still things we need to talk about and things that will require a lot more therapy but Iâm in a place to give this a chance, if you still want toâ.
âIf I hadnât have shown up on your doorstep, what would have happened?â
Wordlessly, Derek passed Stiles his phone. The draft messages are illuminated on the screen and Stiles scrolls through them. Thereâs countless messages, dating back at least two weeks, and theyâre all different versions of an apology; of an explanation. Even if Stiles hadnât shown up on his doorstep; Derek was trying. Derek has proven himself time and time again; Stiles knows that he would eventually have sent a message explaining everything.
âI still love you and Iâm all inâ.
 ---
Stiles calls the university the next morning and defers his enrolment.
University can wait. Right now, he and Derek have a lot to work through, both individually and together. Stiles hopes that if things go well, he can transfer his studies to a university in the city. Based on the course catalogues he finds in Derekâs study, he thinks that theyâre on the same page.
--
He has seven missed calls from Scott and twelve text messages, all urging him to come back to Beacon Hills.
There are three messages from Malia, stating that he needs to get his ass into gear and help them out.
Thereâs even a text from Lydia, saying that she wouldnât be asking if it wasnât serious.
He looks over at Derek, who looks more relaxed and happy than he has in a long time. âShitâs going down in Beacon Hills. They need me to save their assesâ. He wants Derek to come with him but doesnât want to ask; doesnât want to be responsible for Derekâs shoulders growing tense as he heads back to the town that took everything from him. âI shouldnât be gone for more than a weekâ, he says as heâs packing a duffel bag and throwing it into the back of Derekâs Camaro. Â
âThatâs what Laura saidâ.
There is no other explanation; nothing else that needs to be said. A second duffel bag is tossed into the back of the Camaro and Derek gets into the passenger seat like he belongs there.
Turns out he didnât need to ask. Maybe Derek needs him just as much as he needs Derek. After all this time, itâs a nice thought. It helps keep the darkness at bay; helps Stiles feel just a little more grounded than he has done in a long time.
âYou didnât think you were doing this without me?â
Yeah, it feels pretty damn good that theyâre an âusâ now.
