Nov 28, 2018
sometimes your head just sounds like a mother mother song, idk
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sometimes your head just sounds like a mother mother song, idk
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me: *explains to my therapist how IFS is too much currently and iâm overwhelmed*
trauma therapist: okay! donât think about it for the next week, try to distract yourself when the thoughts come up. itâs really good that youâre aware of that
me last night: *switched perspectives in my dreams at least two times to people who were Not Me*
me: ....
iâm using the following tags for DID/OSDD type stuff:
dissociation (general, catchall)
dissociative amnesia (more related to memory stuff related to dissociation)
osdd
osdd 1b
osdd 1a
possibly did (maybe i am a system? but am i??)
the voicesâ˘ď¸ (i know i have voices but.... what are they??? who are they?? are they me?)
internal family system (the trauma therapy iâm in that uses the language of âpartsâ related to trauma)
this is not to say âwell if you can relate to this itâs definitely not DIDâ but more like me saying âaaah I donât know what to call it, all these things kinda fit and idk if I have a systemâ
who decided that me, someone who used to (and does?) self diagnos(es) a lot, whose entire identity and memory feels like a ball of confusion, and who can get obsessive and very nit-picky with labels..... being in trauma therapy for internal family systems..... where the therapist asks you what youâre feeling and thinking as youâre processing it in front of them..... and asks you how the other parts who are out feel about that part whoâs most expressive and verbal........
who decided this was a good idea?
iâm mad at myself for having bad feelings. and now feeling like i have to figure out what parts (alters??) are talking any time i have feelings.
attention ladies and gentlemen this is the protector part speaking
what if trauma therapy is making it worse and making me more pathological about it?
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iâve had my perspective switching a lot in dreams recently, which is weird because mostly in dreams for the past, idk, 10 years, i was always myself
....trying not to think about ifs stuff though..... good thing thatâs.... not a thing :,)
i talked to my cbff last night, and i told her about my parts/possible alters. and i prefaced it with, âokay so you might think iâm crazy....â and i explained about how iâm in trauma therapy using IFS language (roughly), and how it feels like these âpartsâ of me have gotten much stronger recently and kind of.... taken over me? i told her it feels like i donât have a Self, which is something that i talked to my therapist about too.
and my best friend from when i was little, listened. she heard me kinda word vomit (more than i usually do) and i sent her my vent art, and she said, âthat sounds like such a scary, disorienting thing.â
it felt so good to talk to her about it. like, iâm pretty sure she doesnât have DID or OSDD, but it felt so good to talk to her about it because i knew sheâd listen, and be supportive and caring, and that she knows me really well and wouldnât be scared away by it.
so uh. i kinda realized why i hadnât written about my parts. i wrote about regressing to age 15 (?) and it felt really good but now iâm scared and i know iâm not 15, logically, but it doesnât feel like it. i feel so scared and i donât know exactly why. i think if people were trying to talk to me right now, iâd be unable to talk
i tried looking up that one graphic about calming down from regressing but i couldnât find it. if anyone knows what iâm talking about, could you please send it to me?