Entry 25 - What is Life?
5/12/22
What a pathetic title, yet so perfectly ordained for this exact topic. Today I felt off. Maybe it was because I have spent the past few weeks in my two rooms (my den and my art studio) doing pretty much nothing. This sounds so lazy, and wasted, right? Maybe it was lazy, or carefree, but I have needed this detox for some time now. Only possibly unimaginable things can happen to someone when they feel lonely. That disconnect. That relish of attraction towards the time you have to yourself. Free from everybody and everyone pretty much. It sounds like the dream. But is it? I must start by saying I am no means a lazy person. In such statements I feel like the word lazy is over-generalized. We look to those with discipline and work ethic like warriors at the front of a victorious soon-to-be battle. Like the base of success gives value to one, and therefore those who pend this ironless task like a three wielding smithman, they are good and those are bad. Now before I go on any further, I am not praising the value of underness. In any such case I am saying you do what you are only meant to do. So if someone doesn’t have any higher aspirations or dreams must lack in self-interest and is therefore “lazy”. This stigma is total nonsense. “Being lazy” demands a lot of negative attention, and for good reason. It is often marginalized by sexism and other such boasts yet truth deems merit when it comes to this: Prohibiting someone else’s worth, value, effort, time, spendings, ambitions for your own sake of a lazy lifestyle is not a glamor chamber of amusement but rather a torturing rack built by none other than you. When you allow yourself the world but use it at the expense of others it is a selfish demise, and a repertory one at that.
But allowing yourself the nature to sit back for a moment in silence as the world that’s whooshed around you has become sickening and fearsome. The time you have to enjoy the things you’ve always wanted to do; play a video game, watch a movie or more, construct puzzles, enjoy a fine meal, enjoy any meal, relax, be calm, sleep more, don’t change for a few days, shower or bathe, it’s really not as hideous as you would imagine. It allows your energy levels to rise further than you would imagine they did, and then BAM. Like an explosion. Everything makes sense. At least in your reality. Your reality is this: YOU ARE AN ARTIST! Arise with creativity, and spark, and hope, and truly allow yourself to fly freely in this world. It comes with a great time limit. Like a race to the clock. But slow down! You can’t emerge too fast. It’s like swallowing an entire candy bar whole. Take your time, when you can.
Then the fostering agents of my mind step in and say, “This here, discipline is needed and hope is given. You are worthy. Now you must commit. Obey these laws and you have figured out your own art.” I, the artist, ponder on this often. My time spent doing whatever it is I have done has not been with waste but great interest. An investment into a unique place, my imagination, where I can write, think, paint, draw, photograph, film, and create. It is mine, and it belongs to you, the world to see.
So what exactly happened? Today I took my pain of the self-loathing I have done to create an intricate system where I both needed that time and must push against it. I recorded tireless ideas for my films, stories, and books. Filling in the gaps to stories that have been written and focusing on an angle that is a direct approach to the story with meaning. Everything is finite. It happens for a reason until the inventory has been diminished. Cleverly. Approached with artistic insight and idealistic views. The stories are coming together like a painting being created. Only for me it’s several all at once. This is not a waste of time. I am investing in my future. I would recommend you to do the same thing if you can.
