When adults try to find out what a child is going through, they often focus mainly on questions. They ask what happened, how the child feels, or why they are sad. But from our perspective, the question itself is not the most important thing. What matters much more is how we feel during the conversation.

A child does not confide because they are asked a correctly phrased question. They confide when they feel safe. When they know they won't be judged, when they feel genuine interest, and when they are certain that someone is truly listening to them.

We noticed that there is a huge difference among adults. Some ask because they need to gather information. Others ask because they are genuinely interested in what the child is experiencing. And a child senses that difference much faster than most adults think.

A Child Needs to Speak Their Own Language

Adults sometimes use complex questions or overly formal language. But children usually don't think in professional terms. They think in experiences, emotions, and specific situations.

For example, when someone asks: "What was your impression of the zoo?", a child often searches for the "correct" answer. But when an adult asks: "What was the absolute best thing at the zoo?", the conversation suddenly flows much more naturally.

Reactions also play a huge role. When a child talks about something important and only hears a dry "I see," they might get the feeling that no one actually cares about their story. But when an adult says: "That must have been really exciting!" or "I think I would have been a bit scared too," they show that they are trying to understand the child's world.

That is precisely how trust is built. The child doesn't feel like they are being interrogated, but that they are truly having a conversation with someone.

Attention Is Sometimes More Important Than Questions

From our perspective, the biggest obstacle to a conversation is not a lack of questions. Often, it is a lack of attention.

A child can tell very quickly if an adult is truly listening. If they check their phone during the conversation, wander off in their thoughts, or answer automatically, the child may start to think that what they are saying isn't important. At least, that's how it was for us.

On the other hand, even small things can make a huge difference. Eye contact, a calm tone of voice, a smile, or a simple question like: "And what happened next?" show the child that someone cares about their story.

It is sometimes said that children need to be heard. We would say that children need to feel that they are heard. That is not the same thing.

When an adult truly focuses, the child gains a sense that their world has value. And that is exactly when they often find the courage to talk about things they would otherwise keep to themselves.

Notes Versus Presence

As children, we noticed one more thing that was important to us, especially during meetings with psychologists or other professionals.

When an adult constantly types on a computer or writes on paper throughout the entire conversation, a child can perceive it completely differently than the adult imagines. To us, it sometimes felt more like an interrogation than a conversation. We felt like we were talking to a monitor or a notebook, not to a human being.

Different questions can then pop up in a child's head: Are they even listening to me? Did I say something wrong? Am I a person to them, or just another case?

We are not saying that professionals should never take notes. Today, we understand that their work is demanding and that they need to remember important information. From a child's perspective, however, there is a massive difference between someone occasionally jotting something down and someone staring at a screen most of the time.

We felt best when we felt that the adult was truly there with us. That they were listening not only to the words, but also to the feelings hidden behind them.

The First Impression Builds Trust

Trust doesn't start with the first question. It starts much earlier.

It starts with the environment the child enters. It starts with the tone of voice. It starts with the first greeting.

As children, we often noticed things that might seem insignificant to adults. White coats made us think of hospitals and medical examinations. Overly formal language reminded us of situations where we had to watch every single word. And cold rooms without a single personal touch made us feel like we had come for an evaluation, not a conversation.

On the other hand, an environment with pictures, toys, or just a pleasant atmosphere felt completely different. Similarly, a simple smile, a high-five, a natural greeting, a friendly approach, and above all, a person who understands our world, could break down a large part of the nervousness within a few seconds.

Years later, a child might not remember the exact words the adult said. But very often, they will remember how they felt right next to them.

Conclusion

If you were to take just one single thought from this part, it would probably be this: a child does not confide in the person who asks the most questions. They confide in the person around whom they feel safe.

Empathy, attention, trust, and genuine interest are not small details. They are the very things that create a space where a child finds the courage to speak—not only about their joys, but also about the things that trouble them.

And sometimes, such a safe space can be the most important gift a child can receive from an adult.

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Coming next:

PART 1 – A CHILD IS NOT A CASE, BUT A HUMAN BEING

Why children need to be heard, not judged.

PART 2 — EMPATHY, TRUST, AND THE ART OF TALKING WITH A CHILD

How to create a space where a child feels heard and safe.

PART 3 — HOW TO RECOGNIZE HIDDEN TRAUMA: STORIES, SIGNS, AND SENSITIVE COMMUNICATION

child’s world rarely reveals itself directly. It speaks between the lines.

PART 4 — WHEN EXPERTISE IS NOT ENOUGH: HUMANITY, ENVIRONMENT, AND STORIES THAT OPEN DOORS

How a professional can help a child — and how they can unintentionally cause harm.

PART 5 — WHAT CHILDREN NEED FROM ADULTS: A PRACTICAL GUIDE FOR PARENTS

How not to lose a child among rules, diagnoses, and the rush of the adult world.

⚠️ DISCLAIMER: This five‑part series is based on our own experiences and feelings. It is not intended for medical diagnosing or professional assessment. It is a path toward understanding — a perspective of people who were, until recently, children trapped in their own pain, reflecting on what they needed back then, etc. Our experiences cannot be automatically applied to all children. Every child is unique.