That damned carousal trend....

Anyway it's Caesar, Crassus, and Julia in that order

YES YES OFC I think about them very frequently

When Plutarch talks about Cassius’ fight with Sulla’s son at school, he says that it was Pompey who made sure Cassius didn’t get into any legal trouble which I find SO interesting because is that potentially a reason Cassius was so loyal to Pompey?????

And I’m certain Cassius was loyal to Pompey because Plutarch also says that right before he killed Caesar, Cassius “turned towards Pompey’s statue and uttered a prayer to it, as though it could hear his words” (at least, that’s what my translation of it I own says) which seems like such an act of loyalty to Pompey, considering Caesar defeated him (even though he didn’t kill Pompey but maybe Cassius still thought Pompey’s death was Caesar’s fault? Idk I’m speculating)

Pompey Pharsalus Problems

Wandering Wotan

Blokey Bromance

Byzantine Bros

Constantinople Commerce

Pesky Privateering Pirates

Amiable American Revolutionaries

Joyful John Paul Jones

Needling Napoleon

In Keeping up with the Black Bears, Pompey is this loud, showy Arnold Schwarzenegger parody while Crassus ( in flashbacks because he was sent to Persia to be ambushed by Parthians in 53 BC ) is depicted as a flashy and vain Jay Gatsby ( especially the Leonardo DiCaprio version ) parody

Meanwhile Julius Caesar can actually make an entire Senate's hairs stand on end without having to raise his voice

Tremensdilirious paid a heavy price when he trash talked about Caesar ( when severely drunk! ) AND plans to ' steal ' Cleopatra from Caesar....and it cost Tremensdilirious everything

RomeRewind 🏛️ @HistorianInTraining

Can we talk about the tonal shift in Keeping Up with the Black Bears? Pompey is out here doing a full Arnold Schwarzenegger "Get to the trireme!" parody, and Crassus in the flashbacks is basically Jay Gatsby with a toga and a champagne flute. But then Caesar walks in... #TheBlackBears #RomanTriumvirate

GallicGossip ✨ @MenhirMami

@HistorianInTraining

LITERALLY. 🦁 Pompey is loud and showy, and Crassus was so flashy he probably tried to buy the sun, but Caesar? Caesar doesn't have to shout. He just stands there, whispers in that low Jeremy Irons register, and the entire Senate feels their hair stand on end. It’s the "Quiet Dragon" energy that’s actually terrifying. 🐉❄️

OrsiniObserver @TheBlackBears

The Tremensdilirious arc was a massive reality check for the fandom. 🍷💀 He got drunk and thought it was safe to trash-talk Caesar and brag about "stealing" Cleopatra. He treated Caesar like he was just another goofy Roman noble. Caesar didn't even get angry—he just dismantled the man’s entire life with a smirk. It cost Tremensdilirious everything.

Toefungus_Stan_Account @BigToeEnergy

That’s the difference! 🛡️ You can laugh at Pompey’s muscles or Crassus’s tacky parties, but you don't laugh at Caesar unless he lets you. The only reason the Roman Team gets away with the "Golden Mouth" jokes is because Caesar finds them amusing. Tremensdilirious tried to be a "Lion" and realized he was just a snack. 🥩🦁

Legionary_Larry @ShieldWallLife

I’ve stood guard for all three. 🛡️ Pompey is a spectacle. Crassus was a budget-buster. But Caesar... when he’s quiet, that’s when you start praying to Jupiter. He has this way of looking through you like you’re made of glass. He’s the most "shameless" in romance, but the most "cold-blooded" in business.

HistoryBabe48BC @CleoAppreciator

I love that Cleopatra is the only one who isn't scared of him. 💅✨ To the rest of the world, he’s a terrifying shadow that can crush a city without raising his voice. To her, he’s just the tall guy who needs a face mask and a nap. The contrast makes his "Lion" persona even scarier for everyone else.

BoarHunter @Asterix_Fan_Logic

The Gauls are the only ones who don't get the "Quiet Horror." 🐗 Asterix just sees a Roman in a fancy cloak. But for the rest of Rome, Keeping Up with the Black Bears really shows that Pompey and Crassus were just the opening acts. Caesar is the main event. 🏟️🔥

In public, Caesar just often calls Cleopatra ' My Queen ' or ' My Dear ', and usually keeps his PDA to a minimum

In private....he has multiple shameless nicknames for her. Aside from ' Golden Mouth ', amongst his other nicknames for her in private include ' Princess ', ' Sunbeam ', ' daughter of Venus ', and ' my shimmering diamond '. And he often accosted Cleopatra on his lap or simply get into some pretty outrageous bedroom stuff

Caesar is known for his stoic composure in public and his terrifying efficiency in battlefield and politics. Every time Pompey shouts at Caesar in the face, Caesar would just calmly stare at him and not blink

But around Cleopatra VII, he is so tender and passionate, his romantic gestures to her are akin to a gentle caresses of a dragon

Cleopatra VII is one of the very few who is never afraid of Caesar.

Of course, Caesar's private nicknames for Cleopatra eventually got leaked to the Roman team by the Egyptian team in 48 BC Olympics, and once again, everyone was in hysterics about it

RomeRewind 🏛️ @HistorianInTraining

Can we talk about the duality of Caesar?! 🦁 In the Senate, he’s a glacier. Pompey is screaming in his face, veins popping, and Caesar just stares him down without even blinking. But then the doors of the Alexandrian study close, and he’s calling Cleopatra "My Shimmering Diamond"? I am DECEASED. #AsterixLore #CaesarUnplugged

GallicGossip ✨ @MenhirMami

@HistorianInTraining

It’s the "Gentle Caresses of a Dragon" energy for me. 🐉✨ He goes from crushing rebellions to whispering "Sunbeam" and "Princess" while she sits on his lap. He’s the most stoic man in Rome and the most shameless man in Egypt. The contrast is making my brain short-circuit! 🤯🏺

Olympic_Observer_48 @GoldMedalGossip

Y’all, the 48 BC Olympics were basically a "Roast of Caesar" festival. The Egyptian team didn't just leak "Golden Mouth"—they dropped the whole thesaurus! "Daughter of Venus"? "My Shimmering Diamond"? 💎✨ The Roman team—Toefungus, the twins, and the Orsinis—were literally rolling on the grass in hysterics. 🏟️😂

Toefungus_Stan_Account @BigToeEnergy

Imagine being a Roman legionary and seeing Caesar look at Pompey with that terrifying "I will erase you" stare, only to find out that an hour later he’s giving Cleopatra "intimacy lessons" and calling her a "Sunbeam." ☀️🦁 He’s not a Dragon; he’s just a massive, obsessed fanboy.

OrsiniObserver @TheBlackBears

I love that Cleopatra is the only one who isn't scared of the "Dragon King." 💅🐍 While the rest of the world trembles when he’s quiet, she just raises an eyebrow and he melts. The Orsini siblings are currently broadcasting every single nickname to the Dolfinis and Schiaparellis. Caesar’s "PR team" is in absolute shambles. 🐻🧣

HistoryBabe48BC @CleoAppreciator

It’s the "Outrageous Bedroom Stuff" for me. 🏛️🔥 We all know those "private meetings" weren't about grain taxes. The fact that the most efficient politician in history turns into a "passionate freak" behind closed doors is the best plot twist in Keeping Up with the Black Bears. He really has zero chill!

Legionary_Larry @ShieldWallLife

"My Queen" in public. "Golden Mouth" in private. 🛡️🤡 We heard him practicing his "stoic" face in the mirror, but we all knew he was just thinking about those "Sunbeam" nicknames. The Egyptian team ninjas really did us a favor by outing him. The locker room talk has never been better.

Julius Caesar really did not expect the 48 BC Olympics to turn him into a laughing stock

He has seen it all - having been married thrice before meeting Cleopatra, systematically overthrowing Sulla from the inside as he seeks to unify the divided Roman Republic provinces under Pax Romana, been through every other battlefield in Europe and beyond....

And yet, his recent biggest trial is facing the Roman team being megaphones for his private business

Of course, he knew he had no one to blame but himself. He knew from first hand that Romans, despite being known for military prowesses, can be foghorns and brutes in comparison to the much more sophisticated Egyptian, Athenian and Persian civillization. And that is why he is so keen to unite Cleopatra's sophisticated world with Rome. Even he knew that Rome also needed a dose of extra sophistication

He bore it all throughout the 48 BC Olympics - every heckle from the Roman team, every occasion where the sons of some of his best generals and advisors were seen running across the Olympic Village shouting about the latest ' scandals ', every time the Egyptian team leaked yet another ' secret '.

He kept thinking of creative ways to punish the Roman team. He has no plans to send them to the lions, and his brain racked a million ideas before he simply, finally settled on the month long stable sentence.

In the last Olympics, in the 52 BC Olympics, he literally was so close to conquering Gaul, and he kept his dignity. In the 48 BC Olympics, he found himself being a laughing stock

He fled to Egypt as soon as she could, and, like he often does, vents to Cleopatra about the craziness of the 48 BC Olympics

His Queen laughs about it and consoles him about it, affectionately teased him about it with kisses

And that is when he is reminded that no matter how crazy war and politics can get, he always will find a home with his Queen

It was during those weeks in Alexandria when Caesarion was conceived, and on the day before he returns to Rome, when Cleopatra told him the news, he felt his heart doing somersaults, as he gently touched her belly and kissed her full on on the lips

RomeRewind 🏛️ @HistorianInTraining

Can we just appreciate the mental fortitude of Julius Caesar during the 48 BC Olympics? 🦁🛡️ This man survived Sulla’s purges and the Gallic Wars, only to face his greatest trial: being heckled by Toefungus about his "Golden Mouth" nickname. The fact that he stayed stoic while his generals' sons acted like megaphones for his bedroom business is a miracle. #AsterixLore #CaesarTheStoic

GallicGossip ✨ @MenhirMami

@HistorianInTraining

I am WHEEZING at the contrast! 🏟️😂 In 52 BC, he was the terrifying conqueror of Gaul. In 48 BC, he’s a walking meme. You can see it in the Keeping Up with the Black Bears flashbacks—Caesar standing there with a frozen, dignified face while Cubitus and Radius run past him shouting about "donkey milk baths." He was fighting for his life (his dignity’s life).

OrsiniObserver @TheBlackBears

Senator Vinarius noted that Caesar’s brain was "racking a million ideas" for punishment. 🐻🍷 He wanted to be a Dragon, but he knew he couldn't just feed the Orsini siblings or Gluteus Maximus to the lions without starting a civil war at home. The "Stables Sentence" was peak "Stressed Dad" energy. He just needed them to stop talking for five minutes!

Toefungus_Stan_Account @BigToeEnergy

The "Did she?" moment when Toefungus told him the Queen liked the humor... 🥺🦁 That was the only time his stoic mask cracked. He went from "I am Jupiter’s Lightning" to "Wait, does my girlfriend think I’m funny?" in two seconds. Even when he’s being a "Lion," he’s just a man in love.

HistoryBabe48BC @CleoAppreciator

I love the transition to Egypt. 🚢🇪🇬 He fled Rome like it was a burning building just to vent to Cleopatra. The irony of the most powerful man in the world needing a "Safe Space" because some athletes made fun of his fuchsia face mask is top-tier writing. Cleopatra laughing and kissing him through his "loss of dignity" is why they are the blueprint.

Cleo_Stan_48BC @QueenOfNile

The Caesarion reveal! 👶✨ Imagine Caesar feeling his heart "doing somersaults" when she told him. He went through the absolute humiliation of the Olympics, but in Alexandria, he found his home. He kissed her full on the lips and forgot all about the "Foghorns" of Rome. The Dragon finally found his peace. 🐉💖

Legionary_Larry @ShieldWallLife

We watched him return to Rome after those weeks in Egypt. 🛡️🚶‍♂️ He still had that stoic composure, but there was a smirk there that said, "Laugh all you want, I’m the one coming home to a Queen and a Prince." He bore the scandals like a champ because he knew what he had waiting for him.

The #CleoCaesar timeline is currently melting down over the "Vocal Blueprint" of the Black Bears spin-off. Fans are obsessed with the fact that while the rest of Rome is terrified by the "Dragon’s" quiet intensity, Cleopatra is just... very into it.

HistoryBabe48BC @CleoAppreciator

Can we talk about the fact that Cleopatra VII clearly finds Caesar’s voice incredibly sexy? 🐍🔥 Everyone else in the Senate is shaking in their sandals because he’s doing the low-register Jeremy Irons growl, and Cleo is just sitting there with a smirk like, "Yes, please continue talking about the grain supply." #AsterixLore #VocalAura

GallicGossip ✨ @MenhirMami

@CleoAppreciator

LITERALLY. 🎤🦁 It’s that specific "Gravel and Silk" voice. Most Roman generals sound like they’re shouting over a construction site, but Caesar has that operatic, Shakespearean baritone. In Keeping Up with the Black Bears, you can see her eyes glaze over every time he whispers a command. She’s not listening to the politics; she’s just enjoying the bass.

Toefungus_Stan_Account @BigToeEnergy

The "Lion" nickname makes even more sense now! 🦁 It’s not just about the "predator" energy; it’s the purr. The Egyptian team leaked that she once told her handmaids his voice sounds like "warm honey poured over Roman marble." The Roman team—Toefungus and the twins—immediately started trying to deepen their voices to mock him. It did not work. 😂

OrsiniObserver @TheBlackBears

Senator Vinarius noted that Caesar knows exactly what he’s doing. 🐻🍷 He’ll be in the middle of a "private diplomatic meeting" and drop his voice an extra octave just to see Cleopatra lose her train of thought. He’s a tactical genius even in his flirtation. The "Dragon" knows how to use his roar to keep the Queen captivated.

TheaterKid_48BC @StageDoorGossip

It’s the Jeremy Irons/Sinead Cusack chemistry! 🎭 There is something so intimate about the way they speak to each other. In public, he’s "stoic," but you can hear the vibration in his voice when he calls her "My Queen." It’s pure auditory chocolate. No wonder the "waddling duck" Roman dancers can't compete—they don't have the pipes!

Legionary_Larry @ShieldWallLife

We hear him through the study doors. 🛡️🚪 He isn't even saying anything romantic half the time—he’s just reciting a list of casualties or logistics—and you can hear the Queen’s voice get all soft and dreamy in response. Caesar could read the phone book and Cleopatra would probably give him a province.

BoarHunter @Asterix_Fan_Logic

The Gauls think it’s weird. 🐗 Obelix asked why the Roman sounds like he has a throat full of gravel. Asterix had to explain that some people find "the gravel" attractive. Obelix just shrugged and said he prefers the sound of a sizzling boar. 🥓

ON HOW CAESAR KNEW THAT EGYPT IS MORE SOPHISTICATED THAN ROME

RomeRewind 🏛️ @HistorianInTraining

I love the headcanon that Caesar—the ultimate Roman patriot—secretly thinks Rome is a mess compared to Egypt. 🏺🇮🇹 He walks into Alexandria and sees the Library, the indoor plumbing, and 12-language-speaking queens, and then looks back at Rome’s "shrub-disguise" spies and just sighs. #AsterixLore #SophisticatedNile

GallicGossip ✨ @MenhirMami

@HistorianInTraining

LITERALLY. 🦁🐍 That’s why he’s so obsessed with Cleopatra! It’s not just the gold lipstick; it’s that she represents a civilization that makes the "Dragon of Rome" feel like a "Foghorn." He knows Rome needs a dose of Alexandrian class. He’s basically trying to "import" sophistication through his romance.

Architect_Anglaigus_Stans @RightAnglesOnly

Even Anglaigus realized it! 📐🏗️ He went to Egypt to "civilize" them and ended up marrying a Persian-Egyptian interior designer who’s better at math than he is. The show Keeping Up with the Black Bears really hammers it home: Egypt is the "Old Money" of the Mediterranean and Rome is just the loud, new-money neighbor with too many gladiators.

OrsiniObserver @TheBlackBears

Senator Vinarius noted that Caesar’s respect for Egypt is why he bore the Olympic heckling so stoically. 🐻🍷 He knew the Roman team—Toefungus, Gluteus, and the rest—were just "brutes and foghorns" in comparison to the Egyptian team. He looked at the chaos and thought, "This is why I need Cleopatra to help me run this place."

Toefungus_Stan_Account @BigToeEnergy

The "Sophistication Gap" is why the Golden Mouth chronicles are so funny! 😂 Caesar is trying to be this high-brow, intellectual lover, but his own Roman boys are in the background acting like a frat club. It’s like a Shakespearean actor trying to perform while a circus is happening in the front row. 🎪🦁

HistoryBabe48BC @CleoAppreciator

I love that Caesar actually wants to be better for her. 🏛️✨ He lets her test cosmetics on him and listens to her "private diplomatic advice" because he knows she’s the smartest person in the room. He’s the conqueror, but she’s the one who’s truly "civilized." He found a home in Egypt because it was the first place that actually challenged his brain.

Legionary_Larry @ShieldWallLife

We felt it too. 🛡️🇪🇬 Walking through Alexandria makes Rome feel like a muddy camp. The Egyptian team at the Olympics didn't just leak gossip; they leaked "Superiority." They knew their Queen had the Dictator on a leash, and they knew their beauty rituals were 500 years ahead of ours. We were just the loud Americans of 48 BC.

ON THE PRIVATE ENDEARMENTS LAUGHTER GATE

The Athenian hospitality tent was a masterpiece of cool marble and intellectual order, but that evening, it smelled of spilled wine and the scent of a brewing scandal. Anglaigus’s Athenian cousins were lounging on draped couches, trying to maintain their Greek composure, while the Orsini brothers and the Dolfinis sat opposite them, eyes gleaming with the anticipation of fresh "ammo."

In the center of the circle, the lead Egyptian runner—a man who had perfected the art of the dramatic pause—leaned into the flickering light of a bronze lamp.

"You think 'Golden Mouth' was the extent of it?" the Egyptian whispered, a devious smirk playing on his lips. "You Romans are so... singular in your focus."

Toefungus leaned in so far he nearly fell off his stool. "There’s more? What else does the 'Dragon' whisper when the doors are bolted?"

The Egyptian athlete took a slow sip of Athenian wine before delivering the killing blow. "Our Queen’s handmaids have heard him through the cedar wood. He does not call her 'Regal Partner.' He calls her... 'Sunbeam'."

A strangled noise escaped Demetrius Orsini. Anglaigus’s eyes went wide.

"And when she is particularly firm with him regarding the taxes," the Egyptian continued, his voice dripping with mock-reverence, "the conqueror of Gaul sighs like a breeze and calls her his 'Shimmering Diamond.' And—if the night is particularly warm—he has been known to address her as 'Princess'."

The silence in the Athenian tent lasted exactly three seconds.

Then, Coccineus Orsini slammed his wine cup onto the table, his face turning a vibrant Roman red. "PRINCESS?!" he roared, his voice cracking with hysterics. "The man who stared down Pompey without blinking is calling a woman 'Princess'?! I literally cannot breathe!"

The tent erupted into absolute pandemonium. Toefungus was on the floor, clutching a Schiaparelli’s leg for support while he howled. Cubitus and Radius immediately began a rhythmic, mocking chant: "Shine on, Sunbeam! Shine on, Shimmering Diamond!"

The Athenian cousins, usually so dignified, were doubled over, their "Greek composure" shattered into a million pieces. One of the Dolfini athletes was gasping for air, clutching his chest. "A shimmering diamond! He’s not a Dictator, he’s a jeweler! He’s a poet with a mid-life crisis!"

"Wait, wait!" Anglaigus shrieked over the din, waving his hands. "We have to tell the Spartans! Imagine a Spartan’s face when they hear the 'Dragon' calls her 'Sunbeam'!"

Outside, the Athenian night was peaceful, but inside the tent, the 48 BC Olympic teams had just been handed enough ammunition to dismantle Caesar’s dignity for the next thousand years.

Olympic_Observer_48 @GoldMedalGossip

I am DECEASED. 💀 The Egyptian team didn't just leak one nickname; they dropped the entire scroll. "Sunbeam"? "Daughter of Venus"? "MY SHIMMERING DIAMOND"? 💎✨ The Roman team—Toefungus, the twins, and the Orsinis—were literally rolling on the grass in hysterics. #AsterixLore #CaesarSimp

GallicGossip ✨ @MenhirMami

@GoldMedalGossip

LITERALLY. 🏛️😂 The visual of the Roman "Frat Club" hearing these and then immediately turning them into a chant is peak comedy. Imagine Gluteus Maximus trying to look tough in a javelin throw while Cubitus and Radius are in the background whispering, "Focus, you shimmering diamond!" Caesar’s face must have been a new shade of purple.

Toefungus_Stan_Account @BigToeEnergy

The "Princess" one is what killed me. 👸🦁 Imagine the most terrifying man in the Mediterranean, a guy who stared down Sulla and Pompey, calling a woman "Princess" in a locked study. Toefungus shrieked so loud when he heard that, a group of passing Spartans actually reached for their swords. 🛡️🤡

OrsiniObserver @TheBlackBears

The Orsini brothers were the worst because they delivered the nicknames with "Shakespearean Gravitas." Coccineus would stand in the middle of the Italian tent, drink a glass of wine, and recite: "Alas, the Sunbeam has entered the room, let the Lion prepare the donkey milk!" Even the Dolfinis were gasping for air. 🐻🍷

Legionary_Larry @ShieldWallLife

We couldn't even defend him. 🛡️😅 Every time Caesar tried to give a serious speech about "Pax Romana," someone would cough "Diamond!" from the back of the line. The Roman team treated those nicknames like ammunition. They didn't just laugh; they weaponized the cringe.

HistoryBabe48BC @CleoAppreciator

I love that the Egyptian team knew exactly what they were doing. 💅🐍 They knew that leaking "Golden Mouth" was just the appetizer. Giving the Romans "Sunbeam" and "Daughter of Venus" was the main course. They dismantled Caesar’s "Dragon" reputation without firing a single arrow. 🏹✨

BoarHunter @Asterix_Fan_Logic

The Gauls are already adding these to Cacofonix’s hit list. 🎶🐗 Obelix thinks "Shimmering Diamond" is a type of shiny rock you give a boar to make it go faster. The level of mockery in Brittany is going to be legendary once the ship from Greece arrives.

Crassus also had a wife named Tertulla

Tertulla has bottle blonde hair that has been obviously dyed and dresses in ostentatious robes

Although she is ' pretty ' on paper, she is usually just as materialistic and shallow as the rest of the old Crassus party

When Crassus was sent to Persia, the rest of his former cronies fled from him, and after Crassus died, Tertulla was practically never seen again in Rome.

In 52 BC, Pompey married a much younger Cornelia Metella, the daughter of his commander in chief, Cornelius Scipio.

Cornelia Metella is also a messenger spy who helped Labienus switch teams from Team Caesar to Team Pompey in 49 BC. It was that same year where Anglaigus, then 19 in 49 BC, fled from his old internship under Labienus in Lutetia ( where Anglaigus stayed between 52 BC to 49 BC spring ) and rode a horse all the way to Rome to confess about Labienus' betrayal

Upon Anglaigus' shocking confession, while the rest of the Roman Forum were shocked, Caesar is one of the very few who was really surprised. He sensed something was off from a while ago, especially since Cornelia Metella is known to be a two faced person.

Yet Anglaigus' bravery was highly commended that day. When Caesar told his family that they raised a ' brave young man ', Pythagoras swelled with pride, Trigonometria patted a sheepishly smiling Anglaigus on the head, and Circumferentria bragged about it to her friends.

Pompey later on died in 48 BC, and Cornelia Metella fled to Cyprus....with none other than Sextus Pompey, Pompey's eldest son from a previous marriage

To marry a much older man is one thing ( Cleopatra is not the only example of that ), to run away with your STEP SON is another.

It is no wonder that Trigonometria and her girlfriends in Rome treated Cornelia Metella like a scandalous source of gossip

Cleopatra VII pitied Cornelia Metella and Tertulla, truly. Pompey and Crassus are not refined men like Caesar, and it isba shame that Cornelia Metella and Tertulla wasted themselves on such brutes. She is armored with the certainty with how Caesar, for all his terrifying reputation, adores her and respects her so much

RomeRewind 🏛️ @HistorianInTraining

Can we talk about the absolute TEA Trigonometria and her girlfriends serve? 🍵 They treated Tertulla and Cornelia Metella like a 24/7 reality show. Between Tertulla’s "obvious" bottle-blonde hair and Cornelia’s Step-Son scandal, the Athenian healer and her Roman clique had enough material for a decade of brunch. #AsterixLore #RomanGossip

GallicGossip ✨ @MenhirMami

@HistorianInTraining

LITERALLY. 💅 Trigonometria is out here being a dignified Athenian healer, but the second she gets with her girlfriends, they are RELENTLESS. They dragged Tertulla for her "materialistic" ostentatious robes and the fact that she vanished the second Crassus lost his gold. Talk about "New Money" problems! 👗💸

Architect_Anglaigus_Stans @RightAnglesOnly

I love that Cornelia Metella is the ultimate villain for the Orsini/Pythagoras family. She’s the one who influenced Labienus to betray Caesar! 🐍 When Anglaigus (only 19!) rode that horse all the way from Lutetia to Rome to expose her, he became the family hero. Trigonometria probably spent weeks telling her friends, "My son exposed that two-faced spy while she was busy playing dress-up with Pompey."

Toefungus_Stan_Account @BigToeEnergy

The "Step-Son" scandal! 🤯😱 Everyone talks about Caesar and Cleo’s age gap, but Cornelia Metella fleeing to Cyprus with her step-son Sextus Pompey? That was the nuclear bomb of gossip. Trigonometria and her girls probably didn't need wine for a month after that news dropped; they were high on the scandal alone.

OrsiniObserver @TheBlackBears

It’s the "Refinement Gap." 🐻🍷 Cleopatra actually pitied them. While Tertulla was being shallow and Cornelia was being a "two-faced messenger spy," Cleo was being adored and respected by Caesar. Trigonometria’s circle basically saw the Crassus/Pompey wives as "cautionary tales" of what happens when you marry brutes instead of a "Lion."

HistoryBabe48BC @CleoAppreciator

I love that Caesar wasn't even surprised by Anglaigus’s confession because he already knew Cornelia was a snake. 🐍🦁 It proves the "Brains of Rome" (the women) and the "Dragon" (Caesar) are always five steps ahead of everyone else. Trigonometria patting a sheepish Anglaigus on the head while Caesar calls him "brave" is the wholesome content we need.

Legionary_Larry @ShieldWallLife

The locker room talk was one thing, but the "Matriarch Gossip" was terrifying. 🛡️💀 If Trigonometria and Julia Aurelia decided you were scandalous, you might as well move to a different province. Cornelia Metella tried to be a puppet master, but she ended up being a punchline at Trigonometria’s garden parties.

While most Romans are surprised at first that Caesar got himself a much younger Queen as a consort, they soon came to accept it. Despite all the laughing about his shameless devotion to Cleopatra, they all knew that his love for her is genuine

Cleopatra isn't the only woman in the 1st century BC to marry a much older man, anyhow.

But when the gossip of Cornelia Metella running away to Cyprus with Sextus ( who literally is like a mini me of Pompey except younger and all ) straight after Pompey died, all of Rome is absolutely scandalized.

Anglaigus and his friends are in hysterics, but it's not like out of the support of Caesar's union with Cleopatra. It is rooted from absolute mortification and horror as they put two and two together.

Cleopatra VII and her Egyptian handmaids tried to process the whole absurdity of the whole thing. Ptolemy XIII has Pompey assasinated and tried to offer Caesar a head of Pompey, to which Caesar infamously berated Ptolemy XIII and driven him out to exile in Nubia, not because of Pompey's death, but because presenting a severed head is a severe act of disrespect in Ancient Roman customs. ( Caesar will slay Ptolemy XIII in battlefield in spring 47 BC, months before Caesarion is born )

Julius Caesar remembered WHY he and Pompey fell out disastrously in the first place. He long suspected that Pompey was unfaithful to Julia Cornelia ( Caesar’s late daughter ), and when Pompey moved on quickly to Cornelia Metella soon after Julia Cornelia died of miscarriage, Caesar has no more amicable feelings with Pompey. It didn't help that Calpurnia Piso and her clan defected to Pompey's side soon after that, and that is the last straw for Caesar to divorce Calpurnia.

Yet Caesar was armed with the certainty that Cleopatra is loyal - ans will be loyal - to him till the end. He already is prepared that she will out live him, but he knew that she will always keep aspects of him in her memory once he shall pass away later.

RomeRewind 🏛️ @HistorianInTraining

Can we talk about the SCANDAL of 48 BC? 🏛️🚨 Everyone was used to Caesar and Cleopatra’s age gap because they’re actually in love, but Cornelia Metella running off to Cyprus with Sextus Pompey (her own step-son!) the second Pompey died? All of Rome was collectively horrified. #AsterixLore #RomanScandal

GallicGossip ✨ @MenhirMami

@HistorianInTraining

LITERALLY. 💀 The Roman Team—Anglaigus, Toefungus, and the Orsinis—weren't even laughing because it was funny. They were in hysterics because of the sheer, absolute mortification. Putting two and two together and realizing she fled with a "mini-me" of her dead husband is a level of cringe even the Romans couldn't handle. 🤮

OrsiniObserver @TheBlackBears

It really puts Caesar’s "Dragon" reputation in perspective. 🐻🧣 Caesar was furious at Ptolemy XIII for presenting Pompey’s head—not because he liked Pompey, but because Romans have standards for respect. Seeing the contrast between Caesar’s genuine devotion to Cleo and the Pompey family’s dumpster fire is wild.

Toefungus_Stan_Account @BigToeEnergy

I’m still thinking about Caesar’s late daughter, Julia Cornelia. 🥀 Caesar already hated Pompey for being unfaithful to her and moving on to Cornelia Metella before the body was even cold. No wonder Caesar divorced Calpurnia the second she defected to the Pompey camp. He was surrounded by snakes until he found his Queen!

HistoryBabe48BC @CleoAppreciator

Cleopatra and her handmaids trying to process the absurdity of Cornelia Metella is my favorite headcanon. 🐍🏺 Even in the sophisticated Egyptian court, they were like, "Wait, she’s with the son now?" It made Cleopatra feel even more secure. She knows Caesar respects her, while Pompey and his crew were just... brutes.

Legionary_Larry @ShieldWallLife

The "Loyalty Gap" is real. 🛡️ Caesar is 100% certain that Cleopatra is his partner for life, even knowing she’ll outlive him. Meanwhile, the Pompey clan is fleeing to Cyprus with their step-parents. The Roman Team used to mock Caesar’s "Golden Mouth," but after the Sextus scandal, they all realized Caesar actually had the only functional relationship in the Republic.

BoarHunter @Asterix_Fan_Logic

The Gauls are just confused. 🐗 Obelix asked if "Step-Son" was a type of Roman rank. When Asterix explained the drama, even the Gauls looked scandalized. "These Romans are crazy," but the Pompeys are apparently a whole different level of crazy. 🤯

The Gauls all met LaTraviata before during the whole Asterix and the Actress mess

But what they didn't know until later is that, LaTraviata isn't just revealed as a spy for Pompey....she also betrayed Coccineus Orsini for General Fastsanfurious ( one of Pompey's generals who accompanied LaTraviata )

LaTraviata was a famous Roman actress and a former lover of Coccineus Orsini. But during the whole Asterix and the Actress mess ( which is set in 49 BC ), even Coccineus felt something was off. His family tried to warn him, but even with his intellect, he was too confused to listen.

Then it was Falbala and her husband Tragicomix who exposed LaTraviata's deceit to Caesar and his army. Caesar is, again, not surprised. He is just more concerned on how Coccineus will react

As expected, upon hearing the news, Coccineus was DEVASTATED. He was crying, ranting in eloquent Latin and even threw an empty bottle of garum in rage, and his parents and younger siblings tried to calm him down

' I LOVED HER! ' Coccineus had roared, ' I GAVE HER EVERYTHING I HAVE! I EVEN HAD A BLACKSMITH TO PREPARE A GOLD RING FOR HER! WHY OH WHY SHE HAS TO FORSAKE ME?! '

Coccineus even tried to summon some of the Roman legionaries to go hunt down Fastanfurious for a duel. And the entire Orsini clan all dropped everything to stop Coccineus, in the middle of the night

It got so bad that Caesar HIMSELF decided to step in. At Caesar's arrival with some of his troops, Coccineus stood up straighter and explains why he wants to summon legions to Fastanfurius

' I was merely trying to emulate what you would have done, O Caesar, ' was all Coccineus can say.

But Julius, armed with the wisdom of a veteran warrior and politician, stepped down from his horse, and calmly, albeit diplomatically, consoled Coccineus and reminded him of the Ancient proverb, ' Some battles....are clearly not worth a grain of salt. LaTraviata is but a speck of your history. Do not let your talents or your fire dim out over a traitor, Orsini. '

It was then Coccineus finally calmed down, realizing that Caesar, the man he looked up to, would never have tried to challenge someone out of a duel for a former lover. Caesar's battles are fueled with terrifying politics - he will never go Trojan War over a broken heart

Tigris Lillia soon sent Coccineus to Terracina ( Tigris' hometown ) where he stayed with his relarives there for 3 months. Tigris Lillia came from a family of maritime and olive trade, and Coccineus busied himself with learning his mother's side of the trade as the ' scandal ' cools off

By the time Coccineus returns, he recovers from heartbreak and is finally at peace

RomeRewind 🏛️ @HistorianInTraining

Can we talk about the absolute emotional wreckage of Coccineus Orsini? 💔🐻 We usually see him as this eloquent, stoic "Black Bear," but the Asterix and the Actress arc really showed his soul. Finding out LaTraviata was a spy for General Fastsanfurious? The man threw a bottle of garum in a rage! I felt that. #AsterixLore #OrsiniDrama

GallicGossip ✨ @MenhirMami

@HistorianInTraining

The imagery of the entire Orsini clan—Vinarius, Tigris-Lillia, and the kids—trying to hold Coccineus back in the middle of the night as he tried to summon a legion for a duel? ⚔️🌙 It was peak Shakespearean drama. He really wanted to go Trojan War over her! He had the gold ring ready! My heart is in pieces.

OrsiniObserver @TheBlackBears

The highlight was Caesar stepping in. 🦁🛡️ Caesar arriving on his horse, seeing Coccineus spiraling, and delivering that "grain of salt" proverb? It changed everything. Caesar basically said: "I fight for Empires, not for traitors." He humbled Coccineus by reminding him that a true Lion doesn't lose his fire over a speck of history.

Toefungus_Stan_Account @BigToeEnergy

"I was merely trying to emulate what you would have done, O Caesar." 🥺 That line killed me. Coccineus looked up to him so much he thought he had to be a "Lion" about his heartbreak. But Caesar’s "terrifying politics" are about the Republic, not the ego. It was the ultimate "Mentor" moment.

HistoryBabe48BC @CleoAppreciator

I love that Tigris-Lillia sent him away to Terracina for 3 months. 🫒🚢 Trading the Forum drama for the olive and maritime trade of his mother's side was exactly what he needed. He came back at peace, but you know the fandom will never let the "Garum Bottle Incident" die.

Legionary_Larry @ShieldWallLife

We were there when Caesar talked him down. 🛡️🚶‍♂️ Usually, Caesar is so cold and efficient, but he was actually gentle with Orsini. He knew what it was like to be betrayed (looking at you, Calpurnia and Labienus). He didn't want a brilliant young talent like Coccineus wasting his life on a duel with a bottom-tier general like Fastsanfurious.

BoarHunter @Asterix_Fan_Logic

The Gauls found out later and were actually impressed. 🐗 Falbala and Tragicomix did the heavy lifting by exposing the deceit, but hearing that the "Red-headed Roman" had enough fire to challenge a general made the Gauls respect him. Even if he did throw a condiment bottle like a crazy person. 😂

Here are the top trending headcanons for Coccineus Orsini’s 3 months in Terracina:

• The "Maritime Monk" Phase: For the first two weeks, Coccineus reportedly spoke to no one but the seagulls. He spent his mornings on the Terracina docks, staring at the Tyrrhenian Sea and processing Caesar’s "grain of salt" advice. He eventually traded his silk robes for a simple linen tunic to help the sailors haul olive oil jars.

• The Olive Oil Epiphany: Under the tutelage of his maternal uncles, he realized that the maritime trade required more focus than a duel ever would. He used his Roman education to streamline the logistics of the Orsini-Lillia olive groves. By month two, he had negotiated a shipping contract that increased the family’s Terracina exports by 15%.

• The "Garum" Redemption: To make up for the bottle he smashed in Rome, he spent time with the local fish-sauce producers. He became a bit of a connoisseur, eventually sending a premium, non-smashed crate of the finest Terracina garum to Caesar with a note: "A grain of salt for the Lion. My fire is back."

• Healing Through Art: Trigonometria actually sent him a set of Greek pigments and brushes via messenger. Fans headcanon that Coccineus spent his sunsets painting the coastline. It wasn't "architectural" like Anglaigus’s work; it was raw and emotional, helping him wash the memory of LaTraviata out of his system.

• The "Cousin" Containment Unit: Tigris-Lillia’s side of the family is full of rugged, sea-faring merchants who did not care about "Roman Drama." Every time Coccineus started to mope about the gold ring he had made, his cousins would dump a bucket of seawater on him and tell him to get back to the olive presses.

• The Spartan Workout: With no Senate meetings or theatrical plays to attend, Coccineus spent his time swimming in the sea and climbing the cliffs of Mount Sant'Angelo. He returned to Rome three months later looking less like a "soft noble" and more like a "weathered captain," which made the Black Bear stare even more terrifying.

• The Letter to Falbala: Before leaving, he sent a sincere letter of thanks to Falbala and Tragicomix. He admitted that while the truth hurt, their bravery saved his honor. He even sent Falbala a bottle of Terracina’s most expensive floral perfume—a "sophisticated" scent that made the Roman "duck" perfumes look like swamp water.

To say that the Gauls are stunned that they helped Coccineus dodge a bullet is pure understatement

They heard some things of Coccineus, how he is a brilliant orator like his father and all of that.

But while Vinarius is already aged and experienced, Coccineus is still relatively young and often impetuous ( at first ). The Gauls felt bad for Coccineus and hoped he gets better

LaTraviata was sent to retrieve some things that once belonged to Pompey from the Gaulish village. Asterix, Obelix and Getafix knew something was off. They really had no idea that they were in a middle of a scandal till later on.

A few months later, the Gauls received a letter personally written by Coccineus. Coccineus, in that letter, thanked them for the exposing the deceit ( in his own eloquent words ) and told them that he is better now, focusing on training for the 48 BC Olympics alongside his younger brothers.

The Gauls are just relieved at that

GallicGossip ✨ @MenhirMami

Can we talk about the Gauls actually feeling bad for a Roman?! 🐗💔 Usually, they’re just waiting for the next melee, but even Fulliautomatix and Obelix felt the secondhand embarrassment and pain for Coccineus. They knew LaTraviata was sketchy, but finding out she broke the heart of a "brilliant young orator" made them actually go soft. #AsterixLore #CoccineusOrsini

BoarHunter @Asterix_Fan_Logic

It’s the "Dodge a Bullet" moment of the century. 🏹💨 The Gauls were just trying to stop a spy from stealing Pompey’s gear, but they accidentally saved Coccineus from a lifetime of being married to a traitor. The fact that they hoped he’d "get better" shows that even the Gauls respect the Black Bear family. They don't want to bash a man when he’s already down.

OrsiniObserver @TheBlackBears

I am OBSESSED with the letter Coccineus sent them. 📜🐻 Imagine the village gatherered around while Getafix reads this incredibly eloquent, high-brow Latin thank-you note. Coccineus basically said: "Thanks for exposing the deceit, sorry about the drama, I’m off to train for the Olympics with my brothers." The Gauls were just like, "Phew, the redhead is okay!"

Toefungus_Stan_Account @BigToeEnergy

It’s funny because they see Vinarius as this terrifying, experienced statesman, but they saw Coccineus as the "impetuous younger version" who just needed a win. 🛡️💪 Hearing that he was back on his feet and training for the 48 BC Olympics gave the village a weird sense of relief. It’s the closest thing to a "truce" we’ve ever seen.

HistoryBabe48BC @CleoAppreciator

I love that Falbala and Tragicomix were the ones to deliver the blow. It’s like the "Power Couple" of Gaul helping the "Brave Heart" of Rome. The fans are calling it the "Matriarchal Intervention"—even the Gauls know that an Orsini with a broken heart is a tragedy for the whole Mediterranean. 🌍✨

Legionary_Larry @ShieldWallLife

The mood at the Roman camp changed after that letter. 🛡️🚶‍♂️ We were all worried Coccineus would never be the same, but the fact that he reached out to the "Indomitable Gauls" to thank them? Pure class. The Gauls might bash us into the sky, but they know a real man of honor when they see one.

TheaterKid_48BC @StageDoorGossip

The "Coccineus Healing Arc" is the most wholesome part of the 48 BC lore. From throwing garum bottles in Rome to training in the sun with Demetrius and Silvanus. The Gauls are basically his long-distance support system at this point. 😂🐗

All of Rome were scandalized by Coccineus' heartbreak, but its not like the disgust many Romans felt about the Sextus/Cornelia scandals. Rather, a lot of Romans felt bad for him

Vindemia ( then 15 in 49 BC ) felt horrified and used it as a precautionary lesson for her future suitor related stuff. Demetrius and Silvanus work to curate a respectful PR for Coccineus while he was in Terracina.

Vinarius and Tigris Lillia knew that Coccineus will soon recover from it. Coccineus is a black bear, after all, and bears rarely cower

Cleopatra and her handmaids felt bad for Coccineus and they highly commended Caesar for stepping in to intervene just in time. Cleopatra also sent some Egyptian ailments to Coccineus.

Fastanfurius was a brute, and he's also often pushy. Again, Cleopatra felt nothing but pity for LaTraviata.

When Coccineus returns to Rome, looking all refreshed and at peace, his family and friends in Rome were relieved

One time, before the 48 BC Olympics, when Caesar decided to have a look on the Orsini brothers training for the Roman Decathlon, Caesar smiled to himself seeing Coccineus laughing with his brothers and his friends, before Caesar, Lepidus, Mark Antony and Vinarius, with knowing smiles, walked off

RomeRewind 🏛️ @HistorianInTraining

The difference in public opinion is wild. 📉 When Cornelia ran off with her step-son, Rome wanted to riot. But when Coccineus got his heart broken by LaTraviata? The whole city just wanted to give him a hug and a glass of wine. He’s the People’s Black Bear. 🐻🍷 #AsterixLore #CoccineusRecovery

GallicGossip ✨ @MenhirMami

@HistorianInTraining

It’s the "Precautionary Lesson" for me. 😂 Little Vindemia (15) watching her big brother have a breakdown and throwing garum bottles was like: "Note to self: suitors are a liability." She really used his trauma as her dating guidebook. 📝🛡️

Toefungus_Stan_Account @BigToeEnergy

Shoutout to Demetrius and Silvanus for being the ultimate PR agents. 📣 While Coccineus was chilling in Terracina, his brothers were back in Rome curating his "Regal & Resilient" image so perfectly that by the time he got back, he looked like a hero instead of a jilted lover. That’s brotherly love! 🤝💪

Cleo_Stan_48BC @QueenOfNile

Even the Alexandrian Court was rooting for him! 🐍✨ Cleopatra and her handmaids sending Egyptian ailments to help him recover? They saw a brilliant young man being tricked by a brute like Fastanfurius and said, "Not on our watch." Cleopatra’s pity for LaTraviata is so loud—she knows a bad trade when she sees one. 🏺💅

OrsiniObserver @TheBlackBears

"Bears rarely cower." 🐻🔥 Vinarius and Tigris-Lillia knew their son had that Orsini iron in his blood. Seeing Coccineus return from Terracina looking refreshed and at peace was the closure Rome needed. He didn't let the fire dim; he just changed the fuel.

Legionary_Larry @ShieldWallLife

The scene at the training grounds before the 48 BC Olympics gave me chills. 🦁🏟️ Caesar, Lepidus, Mark Antony, and Vinarius all standing there, watching Coccineus laugh with his brothers... they all had those "knowing smiles." It was like the elders were passing the torch. Caesar’s intervention really saved a future leader.

HistoryBabe48BC @CleoAppreciator

I love that Caesar actually smiled to himself. 🐉😊 He sees Coccineus back in the game, training for the Decathlon, and knows his "grain of salt" speech worked. Coccineus didn't need a Trojan War; he just needed his family and a trip to the beach. 🏖️🐻

ON THE GAULISH INTERVENTION GATE

GallicGossip ✨ @MenhirMami

Can we just appreciate the irony? 🐗🛡️ Asterix and Obelix spent an entire movie/book beating up Romans, but they accidentally did the most "solid" favor in history for the Orsinis. If they hadn't exposed LaTraviata, Coccineus would’ve been married to a spy for General Fastsanfurious. The Gauls literally saved the Black Bear heir. #AsterixLore #CoccineusDodge

RomeRewind 🏛️ @HistorianInTraining

@MenhirMami

LITERALLY. 🏹💨 The "Indomitable Village" turned out to be the ultimate vetting service. They just wanted to stop a spy from stealing Pompey’s gear, but they inadvertently saved Coccineus from a lifetime of betrayal. The Gauls were just like "These Romans are crazy," while accidentally acting as Coccineus's guardian angels. 👼⚒️

Toefungus_Stan_Account @BigToeEnergy

I love the village’s reaction when they realized they were in the middle of a Roman soap opera. 📺🏺 Fulliautomatix was ready to smash Coccineus with a hammer, then heard the story and was like, "Actually, keep the hammer, this guy needs a drink and a hug." The secondhand embarrassment was so strong it actually stopped a melee! 🍺🤝

OrsiniObserver @TheBlackBears

The letter Coccineus sent back to the village is a fan favorite for a reason. 📜🐻 Imagine Getafix reading this high-brow, eloquent Latin thank-you note while Obelix tries to understand what a "treacherous actress" is. Coccineus thanking the people who usually bash his friends into the stratosphere? Peak character development.

HistoryBabe48BC @CleoAppreciator

It’s the "Falbala/Tragicomix Intervention." 💍✨ They didn't just expose a spy; they saved a man’s honor. The fact that the Gauls hoped he’d "get better" proves the Orsinis have the best PR in the ancient world. Even the people who hate Rome don't want to see a Black Bear get played by a brute like Fastsanfurius.

Legionary_Larry @ShieldWallLife

"Dodge a bullet" is an understatement. He dodged a ballista bolt! 🏹💥 If the Gauls hadn't intervened, Coccineus would have been tied to a traitor when Caesar started his purges. Instead, he got a vacation to Terracina and an Olympic training montage. The Gauls are basically his life coaches now.

BoarHunter @Asterix_Fan_Logic