#polyweekly

Hello Lovelies! This week is Poly week and I will be covering the blog Polyamandhellaglam!

This blog is run by an absolute lovely person that really gives their all to their followers. They strive for a safe and comfortable space for those coming from all walks of life. It is a great blog for anyone looking for advice on what is means to be poly, advice on certain situations they may be going through, or just in general if someone needs to talk about something. 

What first brought you to tumblr and what made you want to start your blog?

I first came to tumblr during my formative teen years deep obsession with all things fandom. The other nerds I knew told me that tumblr was the fandom social media and I made a fandom blog. Years later, long after that blog had become unrecognizable interested in other things, I started this one because when I went looking for polyam positivity blogs I couldn't find any. There are many more now but at the time I could only find advice or slice of life blogs. Nobody was just posting fun stuff. I wanted to do that. Since I've started doing more advice but at the time I just wanted to do advocacy and positivity.

What do you think is the main point of your blog? Is it for fun, are you trying to educate, or are you looking for anything?

I just want other people to feel less alone in their coming out and identities than I did when I realized I was polyam. I want people to feel like they have community and that community can be fun rather than being a dark room we all huddle in sharing horror stories and fearing people who hate us. I also did it for me I suppose, so I could have a spot to go to talk about polyamory related experiences and feelings.

Do you think the poly community is lacking anything? If so what?

A plan for eliminating discriminatory laws. There are US states in which you being polyamorous is a good enough reason for the government to give your ex spouse full custody of your kids and polyam people are more likely to have their request to adopt denied by the government. Not to mention marriage equality. The community needs to get a game plan and start working towards ending these types of laws.

What are you hoping your followers, and future followers, get from your blog? What would you like them to take away from it?

I'd like them to feel welcome. I want them to know that not only is their community out there but that its having a great time existing and its supportive of them.

What are some of your favorite blogs or resources whether poly related or otherwise.

I have a few polyam blogs I suggest. polyamoryfacts is hilarious, absurdist, and positive, queerlection makes really empowering lgbt posts in general and includes polyam amongst their flags, and kimchicuddles and peachfuzzcomics are really wonderful for witty commentary on polyam life

Ok and last question: What is your favorite movie?

I'm a big fan of old films. My favorite movie is The Adventures of Robin Hood from 1928

Poly Pitfall: Experience Shock

There are many, many pitfalls to relationships in general and to polyamorous ones in particular. One of the dynamics LustyGuy and I often see (and experience) in new poly relationships is what he has termed “experience shock.”

What is experience shock

“Experience shock” is the disparity between your expected response to a new situation and your actual response. It’s what happens when you think about how you believe you will feel when [X] happens, but when [X] does happen, you feel completely differently. The shocked person can then feel a significant amount of cognitive dissonance and even guilt or shame for the sin of not having been able to accurately predict how they would have felt in a completely new situation.

Here’s an example: My partner is going to Burning Man without me, and we talk about how I will feel if he meets someone special there. I say I’d be happy for him; go have fun. But when he comes back home in full love-goggle mode about a new girlfriend who lives in Utah, I feel jealous and insecure.

And now I’m ashamed about feeling petty and jealous when I said I would be happy for him. Which I should be, right? Because I’m a good poly person, and I want to be happy for him.

Why experience shock happens

Experience shock happens for a very obvious reason: we’re bad at predicting how we might react in new situations. Life doesn’t happen in a vacuum. Many factors contribute to experience shock, including:

Lack of information If you’ve never been in the situation before, it’s unlikely you will have enough information to accurately predict your behavior.

Contributing factors If I had a bad day at work or a fight with my mom while my partner is at the burn, it will affect how I feel about the new situation.

My worst fears It’s very common for one’s own worst fears to come to the forefront during times of stress, and those fears likely have nothing to do with the reality of the situation. In the absence of information, our worst fears are happy to provide a substitute for reality.

How to deal with experience shock

Relax First, breathe. Relax. Everyone experiences this at some point. It doesn’t make you a bad person; it makes you human. Everyone experiences negative emotions at some point, and it’s perfectly OK to experience them. It doesn’t make you a bad person, and it doesn’t make you bad at poly. It just means that you are a human being.

Ignore the “should” Next, ignore the voice that tells you what you should be feeling. Everything you are feeling is OK.

Ask for a hug If possible, ask your partner for a hug or a touch. Physical connections can make negative emotions much easier to deal with.

Describe what you’re feeling Take the time to describe the emotion you are feeling. Sometimes, it’s helpful to describe where you feel it — I tend to feel jealousy in my chest. Others feel it in their stomach or their necks. Others look at me like I’m crazy when I ask about where they feel it.

State the fear If you are experiencing a negative emotion, chances are it’s based on a fear you have. Instead of avoiding the fear, face it. Say out loud what you are afraid of. “I’m afraid that she will replace me.”

Drill down Next, drill down into the fear. What will it mean if that fear comes to pass? “I’ll have to watch as I slowly lose him to her.”

And then what? Ask “and then what” until you get to the point of ridiculousness: “And then… I’ll lose him and everything we have. And I’ll have to move out. And I’ll be alone. And I’ll never love anyone ever again. And I’ll die homeless and alone.”

You’ll find that, while this won’t completely dissolve your discomfort or negative emotions, bringing them into the light in this manner does make them much more manageable.

And above all, forgive yourself for having experience shock. Even the best of us go through it.

To celebrate the 10-year anniversary of the Poly Weekly podcast, I'm asking listeners to call 802-505-POLY before March 20 and leave a message for us to play on the anniversary episode! 

Podcast link

Polyamoryweekly has done an awesome podcast on introverts. 

Oh look! My listening to it turned into liveblogging.