#poignant

We played three more songs together. Songs that I don't really listen to myself, mostly Indian pop songs. But I still played them for him, and it was fun.

5 minutes before he had come in, I had set up my phone behind me to just record me playing the guitar, as the natural light really looked beautiful in my room. And then I forgot about the recording.

December 31st, 2025.

this time of the year always brings me joy. but somehow this year, it's different — I feel incredibly poignant. as I look back, I am proud of how much I have grown this year. my younger self would be so proud of how much I have changed and how I can stand up for myself now.

but before I got here, it took several tries. it took me painful experiences before I learned to set boundaries and stopped being the nice girl. it took me countless lessons to learn and change my outlook on life. I cried many times, almost enough to fill bottles — to help myself release the heaviness I felt, then I pick myself up to get back on my feet. I paused and gave myself the time to grieve the person I was and the person I didn't become so I can make space and peace with the person I am becoming. as I went through this process, I lost people along the way.

I now agree with what others say, 'once you've learned to set boundaries and protect your peace so much, your circle will get smaller.' because that's the truth. we thought we have so much, because we accept anything — even if it hurts us, even if it drains us, even if it's not aligned to ourselves or our dreams. but when you focus on what really matters and start valuing yourself, you won't settle for just anything. you will be mean, picky and impatient sometimes and that's okay. after years of being a people pleaser, a person with no boundaries, a person who settles for bare minimums — you start protecting yourself and being kinder to yourself. you make sure you won't commit the same mistakes. that you won't put yourself again in a situation you hate to be in. that's how you start losing people. some people don't meet you halfway and that's okay, some really don't want to. but sometimes some people are just not on the same page as you — some just don't have the capacity to be with you. so it's very important that you learn to let these people go, not for them but for you.

to be honest, I don't know where this is going. but I'll just keep writing whatever is in my head. I hate to admit it but it's getting lonely where I am right now. I do love my small circle and the peace I have created, but sometimes, it's really lonely. now that there's so much space in my life for everything I have let go, I feel the need to start filling it.

so today, I am ending this year with gratitude and hope. I may have lost things, people and had bad experiences but I had good ones too. I learned and grew so much that I feel things deeply more than before — it has consequences because it also means I will hurt more but hey, that's part of growth. but I do pray and hope, that the next few years will be kinder and softer to me because I don't want my whole life to be all about survival, sufferings and lessons only.