DROWNING IN HIM (PART 1)

pairing: kook!Rafe x pogue!ptsd!Reader - no use of y/n, no description of reader, pic for aesthetics only

summary: after falling off a boat during a storm, you'd given up adventuring with the pogues. and dating all together. but the nightmares and panic attacks stayed with you all these years. you beared it alone, until an unlikely kook keeps showing up when you need help.

wc: 3.4k

warnings: 18+ due to heavy subject matter and some smut later, angst, panic attack

a/n: I'm so happy to be writing a reader series that involves the pogues more, this has been so fun! ptsd/panic attack/anxiety girlies, I see you, I'm with you, and this is for you. enjoy loves!

banner: @/rumbleonthemill

table of contents: PART 1 PART 2

“Come on, please. It’s Friday night.” Kiara begs over the phone. “Put down the books and party with me while I’m in OBX.”

“I really shouldn’t.” You sigh, flipping the pages of your Statistics textbook to the next practice problem. “Can’t we just get brunch tomorrow?”

“You know JJ will be too hungover.” You could picture her eyeroll and found yourself smiling. She really only came back to visit him most of the time. Long distance was tough.

“I’m surprised you want to go to a Killdare party. I’m sure UNC parties are much better.”

“Oh, they are,” Kiara insists. “But I gotta see my Pogues. Brought Pope down with me this time. Figure we could have a whole reunion.”

summary: in which Rafe suffers an accident and loses his memory, causing him to do things his true self would never do.

warning: amnesia, pogue reader, rafe being friends with the pogues somehow, flashbacks, S2/S3 rafe, angst and fluff.

FARMERS MARKET, 18 MONTHS AGO...

You're buying strawberries, counting crumpled bills, apologizing to the vendor for taking too long. Across the market, Rafe Cameron stands frozen behind a display of honey. He's been watching you for ten minutes and you hasn't noticed, you never notices.

He speaks to himself, barely audible. “Just go over there, just say something. Just—”

You look up and your eyes meet for half a second. You give him a small, nervous smile, the kind you give a stranger on a nice day. Then you look away, grabbed your strawberries, and disappeared into the crowd.

Rafe doesn't move for a full minute. His heart is slamming against his ribs, he's never felt anything like this.

“Stupid, you're being so fucking stupid. She's a Pogue, she's nothing.” rafe murmured low, angry at himself.

He doesn't believe it, so he buys the honey anyway. He never eats it, he just keeps it on his nightstand, a reminder of the girl who smiled at him like he was just a person.

***

THE BEACH, 14 MONTHS AGO...

A bonfire. Kooks on one side, Pogues on the other, the usual invisible line draw in the sand. Rafe is totally drunk and kinda high on yayo, he's not wasted, just fuzzy enough to be dangerous. He's surrounded by people who laugh too loud and talk too much.

Then he sees you again.

You are sitting on a log with JJ and Kiara, roasting a marshmallow. You're laughing at something JJ said, your head tilted back, hair catching the firelight. You look happy, soft, untouchable.

Suddenly Topper slaps Rafe's shoulder. “Dude, you're staring.”

Rafe jerks his gaze away. “I'm not staring.”

Kelce spoke, a little tipsy. “You've been staring at that Pogue girl for like... twenty minutes. Which one is she? The quiet one?”

Rafe spoke again, his voice it's like ice. “I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.”

Topper laughed, oblivious. “Whatever, man. She's cute, but she's a fucking Pogue. She's not worth it.”

Rafe doesn't respond to that, he finishes his drink in one swallow and walks into the ocean fully clothed. When he comes out, soaking wet and shivering, he doesn't look at the bonfire again.

That night, he lies awake in his four-poster bed, staring at the ceiling, and thinks about a girl who doesn't even know his name.

***

THE GAS STATION, 6 MONTHS AGO...

Your car is sputtering, you're at the pump, counting change. You're ten dollars short and you are trying not to cry.

At the next pump, a black SUV. Rafe Cameron is filling his tank. He's wearing a gray t-shirt and sunglasses.

He's staring at you and you feel it, that prickling awareness, but you don't look up. You never look up, you're too scared of what you might see.

The truth is, there's some tension between you and Rafe because of all the altercations he's had with and towards the Pogues. And while the Pogues and Rafe are always fighting, you, on the other hand, you're the calm one in the group, the one who separates JJ when he's arguing with John B and vice versa; you hardly ever go on the treasure hunts with them, but you're always there to heal their wounds.

Rafe have an internal talk to himself. “Offer her the money you bitch, just offer. It's ten dollars. You have hundreds, you have thousands... Just walk over and—”

But he doesn't move, he watched you put back the change, get back in your car, and drive away with your gas light on. He stands at the pump for a long time after his tank is full.

“Coward... I'm a fucking coward to be a drug addict.” he speaks to the empty air.

But the real thing is that he doesn't know you're crying in your car, he doesn't know you've been in love with him for months, since the farmers market, maybe longer. He doesn't know that you look for him in every crowd, that you've memorized the way he walks, that you've written his name on the inside of your notebook and then scribbled it out...

But what she doesn't know either, just like he doesn't, is that he always liked her for years, long before Sarah was a pogue; whenever he wanted to hurt the pogues, he would first verify that she wasn't there with them, she doesn't know that every time he went to Barry's house in The Cut to get some yayo, he would make a detour to see if she had gone to work, when Sarah started hanging out with the Pogues, he discreetly and despite the hatred he felt for them, he subtly asked about her; what she did, what she liked, if she has a family, and so on... Sarah called him a psychopath and unhinged, but he never cared.

They are both cowards, they are both in love with each other, and they are both alone...

***

PRESENT DAY...

Rafe was driving aimlessly through the heavy rain; he had had a nasty fight with Ward before he boarded a plane to Guadalupe hours earlier. Ward had discovered that Rafe had been using the gold money to buy himself drugs and, on top of that, he had hidden some of that money for himself. This enraged Ward, who then beat him multiple times in the face, when Rafe saw that he was alone in Tannyhill, he shot a line and started driving with no apparent destination.

“Fuck him, fuck everything, I'll never be his golden son” he muttered as he drove.

Rafe was so engrossed in his internal monologue that he didn't notice a tree in front of him and had to brake, but it was too late, the tires screeched, and a sickening crunch of metal against an oak tree. Then, silence, except for the hissing of rain on a hot engine.

You are driving home from your late shift at the little cafeteria, your car headlights cut through the downpour and you see the wreck; Rafe's black SUV wrapped around a tree, steam pouring from the hood.

You pulled over, heart hammering. You're terrified of Rafe Cameron, everyone is. But you can't drive past, so you grabbed your first-aid kit, pulled your hood up, and runs to the driver's side door.

“Oh my God, oh my God. Hey! Can you hear me?” you shout over the rain, your voice is trembling.

The driver's side airbag is deflated and Rafe is slumped against the headrest, blood trickling from a gash on his temple. He's unconscious. You reached a shaking hand to his neck, checks for a pulse and it's there, weak, but there.

You sigh. “Okay okay, stay with me. I'm calling 911.”

You fumbled for your phone, and dialed and as you're giving the location, Rafe groans. His eyes flutter open and they're unfocused, confused, but not the cold, angry blue she's used to seeing.

He spoke up, his voice's raw, barely a whisper. “…where's the water?” he asked and unconsciously touches his head.

You're talking to the operator, hurried. “Yes, the corner of Sand Dollar and the Marsh Road. Yes, one male, unconscious but breathing. Head injury.” you spoke to Rafe now. “Don't move please, you've been in an accident.”

“Accident?” he tries to lift his head, winces, drops it back down. He squints at you. “Who are you?”

“I'm… I'm y/n. I'm just… I saw the crash.” you murmured.

He just stares at you, not with suspicion, but with a strange, raw innocence. “You're pretty.” he gave you a lopsided smirk.

You blinked, rain drips off her chin. This is not a sentence Rafe Cameron has ever said to you without a sneer attached.

You spoke again flustered, awkwardly. “You hit your head. Just… stay still, the ambulance is coming.”

“I don't…” he stopped and frown, looking past you at the mangled hood of his car, then at his own hands on the steering wheel. “I don't remember the road, I don't remember driving.”

“That's the shock, just hold on.”

Sirens wail in the distance, Rafe's gaze drifts back to your face, studying it like a puzzle he desperately wants to solve.

“Y/n... Do I know you?”

You do a painful and complicated pause. “We… run in different circles.”

“That's not an answer.” he says almost smiling despite the blood.

Paramedics arrive and they pulled you away. As they strap Rafe to a backboard, he keeps his eyes fixed on you, craning his neck against the restraints.

Suddenly he call you out, weak but insistent. “Hey! Y/n!”

You turned back, a little hesitant.

“My head feels like a broken radio, there's a lot of static. But you… you're the first clear thing I've heard.”

They load him into the ambulance, the doors close. You stand in the rain, absolutely soaked, your heart's racing for reasons that have nothing to do with the wreck.

***

DAY 2 – The Hospital

You shouldn't be here, you know you shouldn't. But you couldn't sleep, so you asked around to a friend of yours that works in the hospital cafeteria. And she told you that Rafe Cameron is in room 214.

No family has come, Ward is out of town. You tells yourself that you're just checking, just being a decent human being.

You knocked softly on the doorframe of a private room, Rafe is sitting up in bed: the gash on his head is stitched, he has a black eye. He looks smaller somehow, diminished. When he turns and sees you, his face lights up like a sunrise.

“You came.” he spoke softly.

You linger near the door, clutching a bag of cheap gummy bears from the gift shop. “I… I brought these, I didn't know if you liked them. It's not… it's not much.”

He smiled weakly. “I love gummy bears!” he pats the bed beside him. “Sit, please. The nurses are mean, they keep asking me questions I don't know the answers to.”

You sit on the very edge of the chair next to the bed. “What kind of questions?”

Rafe sighed frustrated, rubbing his temple. “Like… who is the President, I said… some guy? And they looked worried, then they asked me my address, I said… a big house? On the water? That's not an address, and they asked me about my sister.”

You stiff. “Your… sister?” you ask him.

“I said I have a sister?” he looks genuinely uncertain. “I think so... The name 'Sarah' feels like a splinter. Not a bad one, just… stuck. But the nurse asked if we were close, and I honestly don't know. My whole life feels like a book with half the pages ripped out.”

You stare at him, this is not the Rafe who screamed at Sarah and John B outside in the street.

“You don't remember… how you feel about people?” you ask him cautiously.

“I remember how you feel.” he says it softly, like a secret.

You're taken aback. “What?”

“In the car, when you were leaning over me. You were scared, but not of the wreck. You were scared of me and you still stayed, you put your hand on my neck to check my pulse. Your hand was shaking, but you didn't run. Why?”

You look down at your hands. You're twisting the hem of your hoodie. “Because no one deserves to die alone in a ditch, even if they've… even if they've been unkind.”

Then a flicker of something dark crosses his face, then vanishes. He doesn't remember the unkindness. “I was unkind to you?”

You shake your head. “Not directly, not ever. You just… you exist in a world that doesn't like people like me, and I exist in a world you were taught to hate.”

Rafe leans forward, wincing slightly. He reaches out and, very gently, takes your hand. You freeze, his fingers are warm.

“I don't hate you, y/n. I don't think I could. Even with the static, even with the missing pages. You're the only thing that makes sense.”

You whisper. “Rafe… you don't remember, you don't know what you're saying.”

“I remember this.” he squeezes your hand. “Sitting in a white room, looking at a girl with rain in her hair who brought me gummy bears. This feels more real than anything the nurses have told me.”

The door opens and a nurse walks in. You pulled your hand back like you've been burned.

“Visiting hours are over in ten minutes.” the nurse spoke softly and you nodded, she leaves.

Rafe turns back to you, his expression shifting, looking softer. “Come back tomorrow, please?”

You bite your lip. “I don't know if that's a good idea Rafe.”

“Because of who I was?” he asked gently.

You sighed. “Because of who you might remember you are.”

Rafe made a long pause, he looks out the window and sighed.

“Then let's not find out tomorrow, let's find out today. Tell me one thing, one bad thing. Something I did.” he says

You are quiet for a long moment. The rain has started again, tapping against the glass.

“You beat Pope up with a golf club when he was delivering food at the country club.” you said.

Rafe blinked and there's no recognition, no pride. “That sounds exhausting.”

“It was terrifying.”

He turned back to you, serious. “I'm tired of being terrifying to most people here.” he pauses. “Will you sit on the bed? Just for a minute... The chair is too far away.”

You hesitate a little. Then, slowly, you moved from the chair to the very edge of the hospital bed. He doesn't try to touch you again, he just looks at you.

“Thank you... For the gummy bears and for being the first clear thing.”

You're just looking at him: the stitches, the bruise, the unguarded eyes. “You're welcome, Rafe.”

You stays until the nurse comes back and gently kicked you out. As you walk down the hospital corridor, you hear him call out:

“Don't let the static win, y/n!”

You paused and pressed your palm to your chest. And you know that you're going to come back tomorrow.

-

DAY 5 – Discharge

Rafe is being discharged from the hospital and although his memory hasn't returned, Sarah, against every instinct, has agreed to let him stay at The Chateau temporarily. "He's not safe at Tannyhill alone.," she told John B. "He's not dangerous right now, he's just sad."

You're there at the hospital entrance. You brought him a hoodie, your hoodie, because he mentioned being cold.

Rafe holds the hoodie like it's made of gold. “This is yours?”

You nodded shyly. “You can keep it, I have others.”

He puts it on immediately. It's too small in the shoulders, but he doesn't care. “I'm not giving this back.”

Sarah watches you two from a few feet away near Twinkie, talking to John B under her breath. “I've never seen him like this.”

“Like what?” John B asked her.

“Like he actually wants to be good.” Sarah said quietly.

***

Rafe is awkward in the small space of The Chateau, he doesn't know where anything is, and he keeps apologizing for taking up room.

The Pogues are tense around him: JJ won't be in the same room alone with him, Pope watches him like a hawk, Kiara tries to be neutral and Cleo just shrugs and says, "Everyone deserves one chance."

But you are there, every single day. You brought him books, you teaches him how to untangle fishing nets (badly).

You fell asleep on the couch next to him while watching a movie, and when you wake up, he's moved to the floor so you could stretch out.

“Why are you on the floor?” you spoke up groggily.

He shrugged. “You looked comfortable, didn't want to move you.”

Your heart swelling by his words. “You're kinda weird.”

Rafe gives you a small smile. “You're just figuring that out?” he asks and you giggle.

Rafe has started coming to the dock with you in the evenings, he doesn't know why he's doing it, but he just knows that he feels calm there next to you.

You two talk for hours about nothing and everything. He tells you about the fragments of memories he does have; like his mother's laugh, the way Sarah used to steal his sweaters, the feeling of sailing before sunrise.

And you tell him about your family; messy, poor, loving. About your dream of opening a little marine rescue center someday, about the stray cat you feed behind the supply store.

You're the best person I've ever met.” he says while watching you talk, completely spellbound.

You blinked and blushed. “You've met like five people since the accident. That's not fair!”

“I meant before the accident too. Even if I don't remember why, I just... know it.”

You don't know that he's describing love, and neither does he. But everyone else can see it.

By the third week of Rafe living at The Chateau, it feels like you and he are dating. And although you're not dating, not officially, you are doing couple things like holding hands under tables, he walks you home every night and you make him coffee in the morning with three sugars, which he now drinks without complaint.

The Pogues have started to thaw. JJ still doesn't trust him fully, but he's stopped flinching every time Rafe moves, Pope actually asked Rafe for help fixing an engine, and Rafe knew exactly what to do. A muscle memory from a life he doesn't remember living.

You and Sarah are having a private conversation on the porch. “He looks at you like you're the sun.”

You look down, a little embarrassed. “He's just... grateful, Sar. For the help!”

Sarah shakes her head. “Nope, that's not gratitude.” she smiles. “I know my brother, y/n and he's in love with you! I think he's been in love with you for a long time... He just couldn't say it before.”

You spoke up quietly, terrified, but hopeful. “What if he gets his memory back and it all goes away?” you asked Sarah.

Sarah put a hand on your shoulder. “Then you deal with it then, but don't punish yourself for something that hasn't happened yet.”

-

6 DAYS AFTER THAT...

It's 3:17 AM at The Chateau, Rafe is on the couch, tangled in a blanket. He gasps awake: drenched in sweat, heart slamming, his lungs are burning.

It all comes back, not in pieces, but in a flood. Every cruel word, every violent act, the gun, the boat, the drugs, the way his father looked at him, the way he looked at himself.

Years of self-hatred, anger and drugs, all of it, crashing over him like a wave he can't breathe through.

He stumbles to the bathroom, grips the sink, and stares at his reflection. For a long time, he doesn't recognize himself.

“You're a monster, you've always been a monster.” he whispered to the mirror.

But then it appeared your face, at the farmers market, at the beach, at the gas station, in the rain. Your smile, your soft face, you two shaking hands, your stupid gummy bears from the hospital.

He remembers loving you quietly, desperately for two years.

And he remembers being too much of a coward to do anything about it...

He puts his face into his hands, his voice's broken and sad. “I'm sorry y/n. I'm so sorry.”

He doesn't sleep the rest of the night. He lies on the couch, staring at the ceiling, holding the hoodie you gave him. And he makes a decision: he won't tell you, not yet, not until he can figure out how to be both versions of himself.

He doesn't want to lose you, and he's terrified that the truth will.

***

For a whole week Rafe pretends perfectly. He laughs at JJ's jokes, he helps Pope with the boat, he sits beside you on the dock like every single evening and listens to you talk about marine biology and stars.

But you noticed. He's quieter, he holds your hand tighter, he looks at you like he's memorizing your face.

“You're different Rafe.” you said.

He spoke up too quickly. “Different how?”

You search his eyes. “I don't know, like deeper, like you're carrying something on your shoulders.”

He pulls you into a hug, and hides his face in your hair. “I'm just tired, 'kay. A bunch of bad dreams.”

You don't push him, you never push. And that's what kills him.

-

It's nighttime at The Chateau, outdoor fire pit. Four weeks have passed since the accident and one week since Rafe recovered his memories. The fire pit has the whole vibe: marshmallows and chocolate, music and the whole group.

Rafe is quiet all night, quieter than usual. You noticed that, you're tucked into his side on the bench, your head on his shoulder.

You tilted your head up. “Hey... You okay? You haven't made fun of JJ in almost an hour.”

Rafe looks down at you. “I'm just thinking.”

“About?” you ask him.

He gives you a small, careful smile. “About everything, nothing and you.”

You blushed and JJ groans from across the fire.

“You two gonna keep being disgusting, or are we gonna play a game?”

Kiara giggles. “JJ, let them be. They're in the honeymoon phase.”

Then Rafe spoke up without missing a beat. “We're not even officially dating.”

Everything stops and you freeze.

“Wait, you're not?” Sarah ask slowly.

Rafe looks at you, then at Sarah, then at the fire. “I haven't asked her properly. I wanted to... do it right.”

John B spoke. “You've been holding hands and making heart eyes for five weeks. What's "doing it right"? A marching band?”

Rafe speaks with a hint of his old sharpness, but softened. “Something like that.”

“Rafe... we don't need a marching band.” you say shyly.

He turns towards you, eyes full of fear and love. “I know, but you deserve one.”

“I'll bite. What's the hold-up? You clearly like her, she likes you. Just... be together.” Pope says.

Rafe stands up abruptly making everyone to look at him.

“There's something I need to say... To all of you.” he spoke up.

Your blood runs cold.

You're standing too, reaching for his hand. “Rafe, whatever it is—” you try to continue.

Rafe takes your hand, holds it tight, he doesn't look at you. “I got my memories back.”

There's silence while the only sound it's the fire crackling.

“When?” Sarah stands up, her face is pale.

“Six days ago.” he looks at her. “I woke up around three in the morning. And somehow I remembered everything. The boat, the gun, the way Dad looked at me when I wasn't enough, the way I looked at myself.”

John B moved slightly in front of Sarah. “And you didn't think to mention this?”

Rafe sighed tiredly. “I was scared.”

JJ laughed bitterly. “Rafe Cameron scared? Okay, that's new.”

Rafe meets JJ's eyes. “It's not new, I've been scared my whole life. I just used to cover it with anger and pills.” he looks around at all of them. “I remember everything I did to you Pope, I remember punching you with that golf club like you were garbage. JJ, I remember putting a gun to your head and meaning it. John B, I remember hunting you like you were an animal.”

No one speaks, and you hasn't been pulled away.

Rafe continues. “Sarah, I remember pointing a gun at you and drowning you. My own sister... The same girl who used to steal my sweaters, the same girl I taught to drive.” he let out a sob. “I remember choosing anger over you again and again. And I remember hating myself for it, and then choosing it again anyway.” he says with a cracked voice.

Sarah speaks, tears stream down her face. “Why didn't you tell me?”

Rafe sighed. “Because I was hoping I could keep being the version of me you all started to tolerate, the one who didn't remember... The one who was just confused and sad instead of volatile and cruel.” he laughs, bittersweet. “I liked him better, he was easier to be.”

Kiara spoke quietly. “But you're not him, right?”

Rafe shakes his head. “No, I'm both. I'm the guy who punched Pope with a golf club and the guy who taught Sarah how to skip stones. I'm the guy who terrified you guys for years and the guy who fell asleep on y/n shoulder last week.” he finally looks at you, you're crying. “I'm both... And I don't know how to be both.”

You stepped closer to him, you don't let go of his hand.

“Rafe... you should have told me.” you say softly.

His voice breaks. “I know. I was a coward, I've always been a coward. I got my memories back and the first thing I felt was relief because I remembered you. Not the version I met five weeks ago, but the version I watched for years. The one at the farmers market buying strawberries, the one who left a sandwich for a stray cat, the one who smiled at me once, just once, and I almost pulled my car over because my heart stopped.”

Your breath catches on your throat.

He speaks faster now. “I remember being in love with you for two years and doing nothing about it because I thought I didn't deserve you, and I was right, I didn't. I did terrible things, I hurt people you love, I hurt my own family.” he looks at Sarah, then back at you. “But here's the thing I figured out in the last couple of weeks, sitting in this house, eating cereal out of a chipped bowl, watching Pope get excited about a rare bird and JJ pretend he doesn't care about anything while caring about everything.”

Pope looks up sharply while JJ crosses his arms.

Rafe continue. “The old me would have taken those memories and used them as armor. Would have said, "See? This is who I am. This is all I'll ever be." But the new me, the one who forgot for five weeks, he taught me something. You taught me something...” he turns to face you fully, takes both of your hands. “You can be a different person, not because you forget the past, but because you choose, every single day, to be something else.”

“Rafe...” you whispered.

“I'm not asking you to forgive me for who I was, I'm not even asking the Pogues to forgive me, but I'm asking for a chance. A real chance to be the guy who deserves the girl who brings gummy bears to a hospital room, the guy who sits on a dock and watches the sunset and doesn't think about who he used to be.” he swallows hard. “The guy who loves you, because I do. I've loved you since before I forgot, and I loved you through the forgetting, and I love you now with all the terrible memories and all the good ones.”

The fire pops and no one speaks.

“You love me?” you asked him, barely audible.

Rafe nods, a tear slips down his cheek. “I love you, I think I was born loving you. I just... had to break my own brain to figure it out.”

You let out a little laugh, a wet, shaking laugh, and then with the courage held back for two years, you're kissing him. Your hands on his face, his arms around your waist, pulling you close like you're the only solid and stable thing in a world that keeps tilting.

JJ looks away smiling. Sarah sobs into John B's shoulder, Kiara holds Pope's hand, Cleo wipes her eyes.

You break apart and Rafe rests his forehead against yours.

“Is that a yes?” he whispered.

You whisper back, laughing. “It's a yes, it's always been a yes... You just had to catch up.”

Rafe turns to the group, he's still holding your hand.

“I know I don't deserve to stand here, I know I've done things that can't be undone. I'm not asking for your trust, not yet, maybe not ever. But I'm asking for a chance... One day at a time.”

John B makes a long pause and looks at Sarah, she nods. “You hurt her, and I'll put you in the ground. Amnesia or not.”

“I know.” he nods.

Pope stands and extends his hand. “I don't forgive you, not yet, but I see you trying. And I can respect trying.”

Rafe shakes his hand. “I'll take it.”

JJ is the last one, he makes a long pause. Then he walks over, throws an arm around Rafe's shoulders.

“Listen, I still think you're a walking red flag. But Y/N is basically a sister to me, and she's been in love with your psycho ass for years. So if she's stupid enough to choose you, I'm stupid enough to let her.”

Rafe let out a genuine laugh. “That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.”

JJ grinned. “Don't get used to it.”

Sarah walks over slowly, she's still crying. She stops in front of Rafe.

“I missed you.” her voice breaks. “I missed my brother, not the one who pointed a gun at me. The one who taught me to skip stones, the one who let me steal his sweaters.”

Compassion cracks completely over Rafe and he pulls Sarah into a tight hug.

“I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Sarah.”

Sarah spoke, muffled against his chest. “I know, just... stay, please. Stay this version.”

Rafe pulls back from Sarah's hug, he looks at you and then back at Sarah. “I'll try, every day.”

***

Two hours later the fire has died to embers. Everyone else has gone inside while you and Rafe are alone on the bench, you're tucked into his side, his arm around you.

You are playing with his fingers. “You really remembered me... From before.”

He pressed a kiss to your hair. “Everytime, every single time I saw you. The grocery store, the beach... Everytime.” he smiled. “And the version who sings while making coffee.”

You giggled. “I sing terribly!”

Rafe laughs and smiles. “You sing like an angel who's been smoking cigarettes. It's my new favorite sound.”

You laugh and shoved him gently. “You're so annoying.”

He pulls you closer, tilts your chin up. “And you're so beautiful... And I wasted two years being too scared to tell you, I'm not wasting any more time.”

You look up at him, searching his eyes. “Are you okay? Really? Having all those memories back, the bad ones.”

He nods, considering your worries. “It's heavy... Some days it's going to be really heavy, but.” he looks at the Chateau, at the warm light, at the sleeping forms of people who have every reason to hate him. “...I'm not carrying it alone anymore, and that makes all the difference.”

You reached up, touched his face, the faded scar on his temple. “I'm proud of you.”

He closes his eyes. “Don't say that... I haven't done anything yet.”

You shake your head. “You showed up every day, you sat on this dock and let people who hate you throw marshmallows at your head, you let Sarah yell at you for hours without walking away, you helped Pope fix a boat that belonged to a man you once threw in the water.” you shake your head again, smiling. “That's not nothing, Rafe. That's everything.”

Rafe opens his eyes and they are bright, wet, and full of hope.

“I love you.”

You smile, shy and sweet. “I love you too. Even when you're annoying, even when you steal all the marshmallows, even when you pretend not to cry during sad movies.”

Rafe grinned. “I have never cried during a movie.”

You spoke, deadpan. “You sobbed during Finding Nemo.”

He throws his head back and laughs, loud enough that someone inside yells at him to shut up.

“The dad lost his son, Y/N! It was emotional!”

You laughed with him, leaning into his chest. “You're ridiculous.”

He wrapped both arms around you, holds you tight, and looks up at the stars. “Yeah... But I'm your ridiculous.”

Inside The Chateau, through the window, Sarah watches. She sees her brother laugh, really laugh, for the first time in years. She sees you tucked against him like you belong there.

Sarah spoke softly to John B, who's half-asleep beside her. “I think he's going to be okay.”

John B mumbled. “Which one?”

“Both of them.” Sarah smiles.

Outside, the embers glow, the stars turn overhead. And Rafe Cameron, former monster, current mess, future something better, holds the girl he's loved for years and finally, finally lets himself believe he deserves her.

Rafe whispered softly, so only you can hear. “Thank you.”

You spoke drowsy, content. “Mhm? For what?”

“For seeing me... Even when I didn't want to be seen.”

You lift your head, kissed his jaw, then settled back down. “You were always worth seeing, Rafe. You just had to forget everything else to believe it.”

୨ৎ ⋆ don’t look at him ⋆ ୨ৎ

pairing: rafe cameron x pogue!reader warnings: jealousy, tension, alcohol, arguments, possessive vibes word count: ~941

──────── ୨ৎ ────────

The bonfire at the Boneyard was loud tonight.

Music blasted from someone’s truck, people shouted over each other, beer cans clinked together, and the ocean wind carried the smell of smoke and salt through the crowd.

You were laughing.

That was the first thing Rafe noticed.

Leaning against the cooler, drink in your hand, head tipped back as some guy said something that made you laugh again. His hand rested on your waist like he belonged there.

Rafe’s jaw tightened.

Across the sand, he watched the whole thing play out — watched the way you leaned closer, the way the guy brushed your arm like it was natural.

Like he had the right.

His fingers curled around the bottle in his hand.

This was stupid.

He shouldn’t even be here.

The Boneyard was the last place someone like Rafe Cameron should be standing, surrounded by Pogues and cheap beer and sand in his shoes.

And definitely not watching you flirt with some random guy like it didn’t bother him.

Except it did.

God, it did.

He forced himself to look away.

But when he glanced back a second later, the guy’s hand was still on your waist.

Rafe exhaled sharply through his nose.

“Relax,” he muttered to himself.

He had no claim here.

None.

You’d made that clear plenty of times.

And he sure as hell couldn’t walk over there and start acting like he did.

Not after all the nights he’d made you slip out the back door of the Cameron house before sunrise.

Not after pretending he barely knew you whenever someone else was around.

Still.

When the guy leaned closer to you again, something dark twisted in Rafe’s chest.

A few minutes later you peeled away from the crowd, heading toward the coolers for another drink.

Rafe moved before he could think about it.

You were bending down to grab a beer when his voice cut in from behind you.

“What are you doing?”

You glanced up.

“Oh,” you said casually, popping the top off the bottle. “Getting a beer.”

He stared at you.

“That’s not what I meant.”

You took a sip like the conversation barely mattered.

“What did you mean, then?”

Rafe stepped closer, lowering his voice.

“What are you doing with him?”

You blinked at him like the question was ridiculous.

“With who?”

“That guy you’ve been hanging all over.”

Your brows pulled together slightly.

“I haven’t been hanging all over anyone.”

“Don’t do that,” he said sharply.

“Do what?”

“Act like you don’t know what I’m talking about.”

You shrugged, turning like you were about to walk away.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

The dismissal hit him harder than it should have.

You brushed past him, beer in hand.

Before you’d taken two steps, his hand wrapped around your wrist and pulled you back.

“I’m talking to you.”

The grip wasn’t rough, but it stopped you cold.

You turned slowly, eyes flashing.

“Yeah,” you said, tugging your wrist slightly. “Well I’d rather be anywhere else.”

That stung.

More than he expected.

Rafe’s jaw clenched.

“So what,” he said, voice tight, “you’re just gonna go back over there and keep flirting with him?”

You laughed under your breath.

“Why do you care?”

The question hung in the air.

Because he did.

Because watching some random guy touch you made his chest feel like it was caving in.

Because he hated that he had no right to say anything.

Rafe looked away for a second before meeting your eyes again.

“You gonna tell me you weren’t all over him?”

You took another sip of your beer, unfazed.

“Even if I was, what does it matter to you?”

His hand tightened slightly around your wrist.

“Answer the question.”

You tilted your head.

“Why?”

Silence stretched between you.

Then he muttered,

“So you’re just gonna go fuck him too?”

The words came out harsher than he meant them to.

For a second you just stared at him.

Like you were trying to figure out where this was coming from.

“Maybe I will,” you said finally.

Something snapped.

Rafe’s expression darkened instantly.

He stepped closer, lowering his voice so only you could hear.

“You’re not going anywhere with him.”

Your eyebrows lifted.

“Oh really?”

“Yes, really.”

“And why is that, Rafe?” you asked. “Because last time I checked, you’re the one who acts like I don’t exist in public.”

That hit its mark.

His jaw flexed.

“You know that’s not—”

“Not what?” you cut in. “Not convenient?”

You tried pulling your wrist away again.

He didn’t let go.

Instead he leaned closer, voice low and dangerous.

“We’re leaving.”

You blinked.

“What?”

“You heard me.”

He finally released your wrist, but only to grab your hand instead.

“Rafe—”

“Now.”

You looked toward the party behind him, where the guy you’d been talking to was still standing near the fire.

Then back at Rafe.

“You don’t get to do this,” you said quietly.

“Do what?”

“Act like you don’t want anyone else looking at me.”

His gaze locked onto yours.

For a moment, the noise of the party faded into the background.

“You think I like it?” he said under his breath.

You hesitated.

Rafe ran a frustrated hand through his hair.

“Watching that guy touch you?” he continued. “You think that’s fun for me?”

Your voice softened slightly.

“Then maybe stop pretending you don’t care.”

He stared at you for a long moment.

Then muttered,

“Yeah.”

His fingers tightened around yours again.

“That’s not happening tonight.”

And before you could argue, he started pulling you away from the bonfire and toward the dark stretch of beach beyond the party.

──────── ୨ৎ ────────

💌 requests: open send prompts or fic ideas anytime ♡

──────── ୨ৎ ────────

≪ masterlist ≫

SOCIAL MEDIA AU, 18+ MDNI

baby!daddy!rafe x pogue!reader

warnings: swearing, mentions of abortion

summary: You and Rafe were the couple that no one saw coming. The kook king and the pogue princess falling in love was a shock to the whole island. The pogues questioned your relationship, the kooks despised it, and Ward took extreme measures to tear you two apart every chance he got. It was only a matter of time before the pressure caused the relationship to break. The constant arguing, the yelling, it all became too much. Rafe turned to drugs and you isolated yourself from everyone until there was too much damage to repair. But life has a funny way of bringing two souls back together. In this instance, in the form of a three year old little boy.

part 2

Notes: changed the theme but here’s the beginning! let me know your thoughts/theories/concerns! also let me know if you want to be tagged 🫶🏻

When reader and Rafe have been sneaking around with each other for the last two months, y/n can't help but want more. Bringing this up with him, she's under the impression he's embarrassed to be seen with a pogue.

warnings: swearing, insecurities, arguing, mentions of sex, angst, always a sucker for a happy ending though, it's a looong one <33

pairing: rafe cameron x fwbpogue!reader

Y/n was sat on the little bench outside her small home, right by the water as the wind blew through her hair. Her knees were tucked up to her chin as the kook boy who usually plagued her thoughts did just that, sink into her mind.

It was never meant to be more than a good time, something to pass the summer. He made her feel good - in more ways than one - he would take her out on dates, whisper sweet words to her, and the way he looked at her. She could swear he was in love, that he was just as infatuated with her as she was him. But the way he only took her to private and secluded places, the way his words were the most affectionate when he was deep inside her, the way he would put space between them whenever he saw someone he recognised. These small things, things he may not even realise he does, they all reminded her that she wasn't anything to him. He would never let himself fully be hers, he could never let his reputation fall like that.

He gave her just enough that she felt completely and utterly consumed by him. Craved his attention, his touch, even a small message would complete her day. However, as time went on she knew she needed more, she knew that she couldn't bear much more before she completely lost herself to please him.

"Come over" The message catches her attention, the illuminated screen laying on the bench beside her pulling her from her wandering thoughts.

She knew the message was from Rafe before her eyes even flicked to the screen, she never really had anyone else calling on her. It wasn't that she didn't have any friends, but she wasn't one to go out and the friends she kept knew that.

A couple weeks ago, she would've been on her way to his before she could even start replying, no thought needed except the thought of being in his proximity. Now, however, she was tired. Tired and sad, feeling pathetic really after spending so long thinking about him.

"feeling tired tonight. sorry, rafe" She replies slowly, her heart pounding as she sends it. She turns her phone back off, yet before she can place her phone back down her screen lights up with another message from him.

"Please, baby. I need you" He responds, her heart sinks. She doesn't know how much more she can stand up for herself, fighting that craving feeling she has for him.

"not in the mood rn tbh" She tries to stay strong, holding onto that tiny bit of dignity she has left in her.

"Don't even need to fuck"

"Just wanna be close to you"

Her heart pounds faster and her breathing is shaky. Fingers hovering over her illuminated screen. Every possible message she could write spinning though her head.

"you can come over then" She types out, deletes and types out again. She had never been so unsure in herself before, never doubted her own thoughts like this. But she sends it, stopping herself from contemplating and worrying further.

Rafe had been to her place a couple of times before, only ever to pick her up. Each visit shorter than the last, hurrying to leave as if humiliated to be caught in such a place. It made her feel ashamed of who she was, how she grew up and she felt even more embarrassed that she let a guy make her feel so insecure about something that could never change, something that literally made her who she was.

"Coming" The phone lights up for a last time in her hands and when her eyes run over the message she is filled with surprise and even more shame as her heart warms for him. She knows that him visiting her is the bare minimum. That being able to step foot in the place she calls home should not be seen as a difficult task. But she feels happy that he's coming to see her because he wants to.

She sits with her pathetic thoughts as she waits for him. Curling up on the bench as she watches the way the pearly moonlight glimmers across the waves perfectly. The soft wind sending chills down her spine and strands of her hair across her face.

"Y/n?" She hears his voice call out and for a moment she feels like she's lost hers. "Baby?"

"Yeah, around here" She replies softly as she sees him bend round the corner of her home. She has a tiny smile on her face, never fully reaching her eyes.

"Something wrong, pretty girl?" He mutters softly as he moves to sit next to her on the bench. He's dressed in sweats and she can only assume he's been relaxing at home prior to coming over. He gently takes her bare legs and slides them onto his lap. He can't help but let his eyes rake over her perfect body. The way she looks so small in his shirt he must've let her borrow once and some pyjama shorts. Yet for the first time, he puts aside his vulgar thoughts because he can tell she's unhappy.

Her eyes look into his, the way he's cracked open her feelings so easily, reading her like a book despite keeping a wall up of his own. Her breath shaky again as she gives a small shrug, her eyes dropping down to his hands. The way his thumb gently runs back and forth over her knee.

"Talk to me" He says softly, the crease between his brows deepening as he loses her gaze.

"Do you even care?" She voices gently. Not looking at him, to maintain the little power she has left over herself.

"What?" He mumbles with confusion, his body straightening up as he didn't expect such blunt thoughts from her.

"Do you even care that I'm upset? Or what I'm upset about?" She mumbles a bit louder as her gaze moves back over to the glistening waves ahead of them.

"O-of course I do, I don't understand?" He mutters as his thumb stops the stroking and instead slides to her chin, moving her face to look at him.

"I mean we aren't dating, and it feels like you've never really cared about how I feel outside the sex." She tells him for the first time. The tension feels suffocating, yet at the same time the weight off her shoulders is so liberating.

"That's what you think?" He asks her, a strong tone of annoyance or maybe disappointment.

The eye contact between them so intense that she feels as though she needs to take a deep breath before replying or she might pass out. "That's exactly how it feels." She admits gently with a shrug.

"That's not what this is." He says firmly, shaking his head as his hand slips off her chin and runs down his face with a huff.

"You're embarrassed to be seen with me. Face it, Rafe. It's not like we're dating. You only keep me around for a good fuck." She says shakily, running off adrenaline and the fact that there's no use stopping now that she's started.

"You don't embarrass me, I'm just not ready to make things official." He tells her unwaveringly, yet his eyes darting towards the water, the ground, her. Everything about his body and words make him seem so secure in himself. Yet his eyes express all his true emotions, how hesitant and insecure he really feels.

"God, Rafe. You can barely be seen with me, and I can't bear to be just some girl you fuck and take out secretly." She tells him, her throat feeling scratchy and sore as her eyes water lightly. She curses herself for getting so emotional, it wasn't even that serious yet she couldn't keep herself together.

His heart breaks, pained as she expresses her feelings to him, pained as he watches her fall apart in front of him. "I'm sorry for making you feel that way." He mutters gently.

"Don't be. You never promised me anything more than what you've given me." She shakes her head gently, as her eyes look at the side of his face.

"I want to give you more, I want to promise you the world." He whispers with his head in his hands.

"I can't continue feeling like this, Rafe." She tells him softly, "I can't handle craving you privately."

"I didn't know you felt like this..." He replies shamefully, his hands sliding down his face as he turns to look at her with torment. His eyes are glossy and his jaw is clenched, he doesn't know what there is to say to make this better.

"Don't bullshit." She mumble with a soft frown, not believing for a second that he didn't know she was completely infatuated with him.

"No, y/n. I mean it. I've... I feel for you. And I don't know how to handle it, express it. Fuck. I'm a mess, baby." He spills to her helplessly. "If I knew how I was hurting you, I would've done something, said something. I just- it's so difficult for me." His voice rasps and cracks unsteadily.

She doesn't know what to say, heart pounding as she watches his sincerity. She fiddles with her fingers anxiously as she tries to think of anything to reply with.

"Please believe me, pretty girl" He practically whimpers, his hands itching to feel her near him.

"What are we gonna do?" She whispers as she looks down at her hands. "Something needs to change... I can't go on like this" She tells him.

"I wanna make you mine." He tells her, giving in to his desperation to be close to her as his hand moves to rest on her anxiously fidgeting fingers.

"What's holding you back?" She mumbles as her eyes remain glued to their hands, fluttering closed for a moment as she soaks in the warmth of his hand.

"I-I don't know. I just, I feel so stupid because I want to give you the world but I'm the one stopping myself from giving it to you." He opens up quietly, his eyes boring into the side of her face. "But I know I need you, for more than just your body. I need you in every way I can have you." He whispers to her, gently pulling her closer so that his lips brush the shell of her ear. His closeness, warmth and the way his breath tickles her ear shoots a shiver down her spine.

"Please let me have you."

i said something about plus sized women in my last headcanons so I wanted to write this. Anyways, I just posted that one like thirty minutes ago so enjoy this one. I'm plus-sized, so I lwk forget I can push the bbw agenda

six sfw! six nsfw!★

plot - Belle returns home wearing Rafe’s clothes and barely dodges JJ’s suspicions. At Boneyard Beach, the Pogues run into the Kooks, and Belle catches Rafe avoiding her—until he unexpectedly defends her from Kelce’s teasing. But when she spots a new girl hanging off Rafe, something in her shifts.

trope(s) - enemies to lovers, slow burn, & kook vs pogue.

characters - rafe cameron x oc! belle maybank

wc - 2.6k

warnings - curse words, mentions of smoking, and small injury.

final notes -heyyy, we have a new character...and i dont think you're gonna like her, love. nonetheless, i really enjoyed writing this chapter. (i know thats a cliche but stick with me.) i think this really adds some more depth to their relationship. also this is chapter three of my 'ruin me gently.' series so if you haven't read part 1 or 2 do that first icon! k love u byeee.

Belle parked her car in the driveway of Maybank’s house. She immediately put her head on the steering wheel. This was the first actual moment of silence all day. Driving through Figure 8 always felt weird. The white-picket houses. The brunch-drunk moms clutching mimosas and judging her Nissan Rogue like it was held together by duct tape.The real problem? Her mind had made Rafe Cameron likable. The jersey, the picture of his younger, happier self. The clothes. The soft brushing of hands, those ocean blue eyes she could swim in for hours. She didn’t have to look down to know who she smelled like. She knew it was Rafe’s cologne. Oh my god. She was still wearing Rafe’s clothes he lent her last night.

“Shit shit shit.” She said as she threw off the shirt and stuffed it in the backseat. She’d give it back to him later. The joggers, fuck. She quickly slid those down and threw them where they could live with the shirt. Just then, as she’s catching her breath, she hears three hard knocks on her car window.

She turned like a deer in headlights—to see her big brother. He had a stern look on his face like she’d just been caught. She rolled down her window, mind scattering for any excuse she needed to look like she hadn’t been caught red handed.

“Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over today?” JJ joked as he impersonated the other thing he always had trouble with–law enforcement.

She blinked at him, caught between panic and secondhand embarrassment.

“Shut up,” She laughed.

“How was Lacy’s?” JJ asked as she got out of the car. She had almost forgotten that she had spent the night at a sworn enemy’s house. Not by choice, though. Never by choice. She could still feel the weight of his clothes on her. He hadn’t even laid a finger on her. He probably didn’t want to, right? She thought as they walked into their house.

“Fine. Yeah we mainly just rewatched the Twilight series.”

“Ew. Chick Flick.” JJ pretended to be gagging as Belle playfully punched his side.

⋆｡˚ ☁︎ ˚｡⋆｡˚☽˚｡⋆

The sun was bright, the UV was 4, and the beach air smelled like sunscreen that had just been sprayed on. This was the kind of freedom she needed. The kind of distraction she needed. This was going to be a good day.

“Race you to the water, B.” JJ said, surfboard in hand ready to run.

“That’s ridiculous dude, I’m not racing-” Belle said dismissively, before sprinting leaving JJ in the dust and saying “See you on the water!” Her locks whipped in the wind, she felt the warmth of the sun, and for the first time in a few days–she felt like Belle again. She was ready to drown out all the noise, including him.

“Woo, go JJ!” Kiara cheered as JJ started to surf. They were so cute. Belle had seen how much they had gone through to be together. She was infinitely proud of them. More proud of JJ because she thought Kiara was way out of his league.

As she and JJ walked back to the beach, JJ explained “Just leave the surfing to the pros, yeah?”

“Whatever.” She rolled her eyes, with a smile on her face. Then she saw Sarah’s face. Then shifted her gaze to John B’s, and the rest of the group.

“You’ve got to be kidding me.” John B said as Belle followed his eyeline.

There they were, loud and obnoxious as day. The Kooks. The bright flashy Jeep Wranglers and trucks that had been modified until they couldn’t be anymore.

“You wanna leave?” John B turned to Sarah with a soft, loving look. “No.” she said, sticking her tongue in her cheek with her arms crossed. “We were here to have a good time. Let’s not let my brother and his minions ruin it.” John B had put an arm over her and kissed her head.

“Let’s just try to have a good time.” Belle spoke up, trying to keep spirits high, mainly her own.

Rafe got out of his truck, and He wasn’t looking at her. Not even a glance. That should’ve been a relief—but instead it felt like an undeserved punishment. It was like he was avoiding her. That’s when he walked to his passenger seat.

That’s when an older girl with straight black hair hopped out, taking Rafe’s hand.Her outfit left little to the imagination. She was gorgeous. Flirtier, louder. Everything Belle wasn’t—and maybe that was the point.

She felt her stomach twist. Of course. Of course he brought someone. What an idiot she was to think Rafe and her had a moment last night.

“Uh, Earth to Belle! Round 2 or what?” JJ waved his hand in front of her face.

“Oh yeah. Be there in a second.”

Belle paddled out far enough to where they could catch a wave. JJ was too busy trying to impress Kiara by showing her all the different backflips he can do to surf with her. She had been doing pretty well. Had been.

That was until she heard Kelce, a Kook, yell “Didn’t know they let Pogues rent real boards now!” She wasn’t expecting it and she fell off her board.

“Kelce shut the hell up.” Rafe snapped. He said it low enough to where she didn’t hear it. But Sarah did. And that made her eyebrow slightly lift up.

“Fuck.” She muttered under her breath. Sarah and Cleo ran over to her as she now had her board in one arm and she gave a scathing glare to the group of Kooks one last time. Rafe was looking anywhere but at her. And that girl was too close to Rafe’s side, giggling. Had he said something funny? Was he making fun of her?

As Pope examined her elbow, she kept her gaze on Rafe and his crew. “Honestly it should probably scab over in the next few days, it should be fine.” Pope explained.

“Yeah,” she mumbled “Hey who do you think that girl is by Rafe?” she nodded toward the group and Pope glanced.

Pope returned his attention to Belle’s elbow cleaning it. “That is Olivia. She just moved here a couple weeks ago. If you can’t tell she is the epitome of Kooks. She fits in perfectly. Why?”

“Curiosity.” She excused. “Thanks for helping Pope.” She exchanged smiles with Pope and helped the Pogues clean up their area of the beach.

Belle sat in the back of the Twinkie as John B drove them all to JJ’s house to crash. She couldn’t focus on much. Why did it bother her this much? A week ago he was a random kook she abhorred. Now? He was her whole world. Before she could think anymore into it, she found herself in her room. It was dimly lit with string lights, and polaroid photos of the pogues adventures are scattered on Belle’s vanity. There are half-empty soda cans, blankets, and throw pillows scattered on the bed where the girls are sprawled out. Laughter drifts between them—easy, soft, the kind you only get with your best friends.

Sarah is braiding her hair, while Kiara is painting her toenails on the floor. Belle leans back against her headboard, twirling a friendship bracelet between her fingers. Cleo is scrolling on Instagram as all the girl’s hangout to decompress from the beach.

“I’m just saying, if I wiped out? We would still be able to hear Kelce’s awful donkey laugh.” Kie joked.

“Don’t worry, he is. It’s all on his Instagram story.” Cleo shows the group.

“Oh. Yay, I’m famous.” Belle sighed, her mind still lingered on today’s events. Why didn’t he look at her, once? Was Olivia laughing at a joke Rafe made at Belle’s expense?

“You’re infamous, B. There’s a difference.” Sarah smirked.

“Ha ha Sarah.” Belle replied, trying to play back but, she was too distracted to respond with something witty.

“Everything okay?” Kiara asked Belle.

“Hmm?” Belle perked up. “Oh yeah, just tired. Wiping out takes a lot out of you.” She joked, dryly.

“So does seeing those Kooks. Ugh.” Kiara said with a disgusting look on her face.

“Especially that new girl who was all over my brother,” the girls all agreed. “That was weird right?”

“So weird.” Belle replied at the same time Cleo and Kiara agreed with the same variation of what she said.

“Still.” Sarah paused. “She’s perfect for him.” Sarah’s tone was bitter and sharp, like she was declaring it. She paused again, this one felt longer to Belle. So much longer. “I bet my dad loves her, rich family, snobby attitude, and a lethal face card.”

A silence fell over the girls.

“Mmm. I am going to bed. Next time, no Kook talk.” Cleo commanded.

“Yes! Only facemasks and good times.” Kiara agreed.

“Well, I would pass out on your bed but, John B needs me to read him bedtime stories.” Sarah teased.

“Me too, except JJ needs to be tucked in.” Kiara added.

Once the girls left, it was just Belle and her thoughts that remained. It’s like the universe was teasing her today. She just sat there, staring at her phone sitting there like it would have answers for her.

Impulsively, she picked it up.

Belle: Nice rebound. Does Olivia surf too?

Belle: You didn’t even look at me today…

Belle: i didn’t hate you. emphasis on didn't.

She deleted all of that before she could even send it. She wasn’t sure if she wasn’t even supposed to be sending anything. Or if Rafe not looking at her on the beach today was enough of a signal in itself. She weighed the pros and cons of sending it to Rafe. If she didn't send it, there was no risk. If she didn’t send it she could ignore him too, go back to hating his guts. Bury that night like a secret. Forever. She didn’t know why the night felt so intimate to her. They slept in separate rooms. Separate floors of the house even. If she did send it though, he may realize it meant more to her than he originally thought. He may feel the same. And that meant more morning coffee chats with Rafe. More joking with Rafe. More exploring this feeling she had never felt before. God what a mess she had gotten herself into.

Normally, she'd go to Kie. Her unofficial big sister.

But not tonight.

Not for this.

Belle: You don’t have to pretend like I don’t exist.

She hit send before she could talk herself out of it. Immediately, below her message it changes from ‘delivered’ to ‘read’ She knows she shouldn’t care. But she does.

It’s only been minutes but it feels like hours. Why hasn’t he responded? She stuffs her phone in her nightstand after powering it off and goes to sleep. She’d been around Rafe Cameron her whole life — but last night was the first time she didn’t want to punch him. And that scared her more than anything.

⋆˙⟡⋆Meanwhile, across the beach, someone else is unraveling too. ⋆˙⟡

Rafe is smoking on the balcony. The same balcony he first encountered Belle. She looked so beautiful that night. Her hair fell a few inches below her shoulders, her infectious energy that pulled him in, and god she smelt like heaven. It was the type to hypnotize you. Fresh linen and salt air. It was subtle, but so unforgettable. Was it weird that he really enjoyed how she smelled? It didn’t feel weird. It felt right.

It felt the same way he felt when he saw Belle the other night. It wasn’t even intimate, so why did every time they touch, it felt like more? He let out a huge sigh before taking another drag of his cigarette. Belle has been the only thing occupying his mind for the past few days. Ever since the party. She hated her. Hated her perfect face. Her laugh he fortunately got to hear in the morning. Hated how he wants to put his hands on her when she’s near. Touch her in places he can’t see.

His phone pings. He sighs and opens his phone, assuming it is Topper. Luckily, it wasn’t.

1 NEW MESSAGE:

Belle: You don’t have to pretend like I don’t exist.

His mind travels back to the beach. He couldn’t look at her. That’d mean he’d see how beautiful she looked. He couldn’t handle the emotions that came with that.

When she fell off, he wanted to run over to her. He really did. It took all of his restraint not to run over there and check on her. He wanted to be the first one by her side. See if she needed help, if she broke anything, and if he needed to beat Kelce’s ass. He ached for her at that moment.

But her friends were right there. And so was his. So he couldn’t. She saw the blood on her elbow. He saw her staring daggers at his group. He didn’t have the courage to look at her. He felt like a coward.

“Yeesh, what’s her deal?” Olivia said.

“She eat it that hard for attention, orrrr is she just that bad?” Topper jokingly asked, he didn’t expect an answer. Rafe’s chest tightened at that comment. And so did his jaw. It ached as bad as his curiosity as to why he cared so much.

“Nah, she was probably hoping someone in particular would come rescue her.” Ruthie said, glancing at Rafe. “But guess knights don’t ride out for Pogues.” He bit the inside of his cheek, it was the only thing restraining him from lashing out at this band of idiots.

“Or maybe she thought last night earned her a seat at the table.” Kelce grinned and continued to poke the figurative bear, Rafe.

“Kelce. Shut the fuck up.” Rafe said, looking up at Kelce. His voice was tight and low.

“Relax, man. Just sayin’—some people forget where they come from.” Kelce shrugged, acting innocent and walking away.

“Hope she doesn’t think she’s one of us.” Topper said, then walked back to grab a beer.

“Yeah, Rafe,” Olivia put her hand on Rafe’s arm in an attempt to calm him down. “You’re acting like she matters.”

Then, he was brought back to reality by the burning of his cigarette. He hated himself for caring, for feeling something he shouldn’t. He should hate her, like every other pogue on the Cut. But he doesn't. So he hates himself for it instead.

He stares at the phone, thumb hovering over it and his breath quickens.

“Are you coming to bed, Ray?” Olivia says, which makes Rafe turn around. Olivia’s perfume travels from where she’s standing, near the door to Rafe by the edge of the balcony. It doesn’t smell the same as Belle’s. It smells… fake. Too sweet. Like store-bought roses soaked in poison.

He quickly powers off his phone and stuffs it into his pocket.

“Yeah. Be in a second.” He cleared his throat, before taking another drag of his cigarette. He hadn’t even touched her since she showed up, twirling her hair and giving him those eyes.

Everyone says Olivia is perfect for Rafe, a match made in heaven. So why doesn’t he want her? Why does he pull away? Why does he want a pogue he can’t have? He’s been on this balcony with many different people. So why does it remind him of her?

pairing - rafe cameron x pouge!afab!reader

summary - you “work out” with rafe

tags - smut, season 1, vouyer, fingering, overstimulation, pet names, toxic relationship