a new pope
"Okay, greetings, new Pope. I am the old Pope, but you probably know that already. Now, if you're watching this, I'm probably totally dead, which sucks, but I'm sure they made a big deal out of it because I was the Pope. Oh, by the way, congratulations on being the new me. Okay, so here's a few things you're gonna need to know if you're going to be the Pope, which you are.
"Okay, number one, God is real. He's a giant alien with three eyes that lives in the center of the Earth.
"Now, angels, okay? Angels are like super super fragile. And if one gets hit by a plane or something, God gets like, totally pissed! And every time an angel dies, God kills a million people. So, watch out.
"Oh, the remote. Okay, so you got to hit TV, and then you hit the power button to turn it on. And then you hit cable to change through the channels. Okay. And if you want to watch a DVD or something, hit up.
Oh, by the way, as Pope, you get a lifetime supply of root beer."
