kim: how did you get out of your restraints in the first place?

kenta: i strangled a guy.

kim: but .. didn't you say your hands were-

kenta: - with my thighs.

kim: *gay panic*

Let's talk about Alan and Jeff, because this week's episode has left me absolutely gutted. Since Season 1, I've been fascinated by the way they touch, so much so that I created a dedicated gifset to most intimate hand touchings. But something this whole season, it almost felt like the dynamic of their touches had shifted, even though I really couldn't put my finger on it. But this latest episode really made it apparent. Even though Alan slightly pushed Jeff, it felt emotionally seismic as if pointing to a change in their dynamic.

I've seen a lot of discourse on Alan's decisions. However, I generally disagree with the idea that it is out of character for Alan to become Tony's latest guinea pig. He made his decision because of who he is at his core, his responsibilities to the team, and the shifting dynamics of his relationship with Jeff.

Alan: The Center of Hunter X

Alan has always been someone who notices more than he lets on. From when when we first met him, back in Season 1, it was made clear that he was emotionally attuned to those closest to him. As the owner of Hunter X, while he wanted the best for his team, he cared much more for the people within it. He picked up on Way's crush on Babe before anyone else did and even tried to push him to go for it. Even Way hadn't been too much of a coward and had gone for it, that would have been dangerous for Hunter X, but he didn't care to consider that. Way was his best friend as well and he wanted the best for him; he understood him.

Similarly, when Kenta tried to buy out Alan in exchange for Babe, he didn't hesitate to deny the deal, even if that would have minimized his worries for the financials of Hunter X. He straight-up told Kenta that the only way Babe would go to the Red Team would be out of his own decision, not because Alan would sell him out. And when Alan mused to Jeff whether maybe it would have been better for Babe to go with the Red Team, before he knew fully of the childhood Babe endured, it wasn't because he was regretting not taking the money, but rather because he wondered if being with a well-funded team would give him stability.

However, in Season 1, it was Jeff that reminded him that everyone is staying on the team because of Alan. Looking back at it now, that same sentiment almost acts like a double-edged sword, because while it eased Alan's concern that he was doing wrong by his racers, it also mounted pressure on him. One that I don't think Jeff or Alan fully realized at the time.

Alan is Hunter X's leader, owner, and founder. That kind of responsibility weighs on him, and in some ways, it has become an integral part of his identity. And while Alan tries to protect everyone in the best way he can, he also sucks at asking for help. Between Season 1 and Season 2, this hasn't changed. And while Jeff's words had helped him back then, they also, unfortunately, tethered him directly to the idea that he had to keep everything together for the sake of everyone that he cared about. That he couldn't afford to fall apart.

Alan's Spiral Begins and Jeff's Intervention

And that's exactly where it all starts to come undone for Alan.

Because how can Alan protect those he loves when you line it all up? Dean leaving the team, Charlie dying, Babe unraveling, Charlie secretly being alive, Way attacking Babe, Way leaving the team, Way dying, Dean ending up in jail, Dean surviving when he was shot, Kim leaving Hunter X because he knows that he can never be number one in the team with Babe around, Dean asking to return to the team, Jeff secretly suffering as his powers worsened, Jeff getting hurt because of those same powers, Dean sacrificing himself for everyone in Hunter X... Alan is surrounded by the aftermath of choices in which he has no control over. And for someone like Alan, who is always the oldest, the fixer, the protector... that helplessness is devastating.

Jeff knows that about Alan. Jeff has been there to see the amount of pressure Alan puts on himself to keep everyone as safe as possible. Hell, even if Alan doesn't fully realize it, Jeff was saved, figuratively and literally, by him. Before Jeff met Alan, Jeff existed in isolation, not solely out of preference, but as a defense mechanism. Every child that came out of Tony's care had been conditioned to be a tool, valuable only as long as they were useful, discarded the moment they became inconvenient. Jeff had not been spared from Tony's method of upbringing. He knew the rules of Tony's system, so he made himself dispensable because with Tony, being discarded means freedom.

But for Jeff, freedom from Tony didn't mean that he had any actual peace. Not just because of the things Tony had him do but simply because of what his powers allowed him to see. Every touch, every connection, came with the risk of traveling to a future that he had no control over. So he cut himself off and kept people at an arm's length, not solely out of indifference but out of self-preservation.

And now, I'm not saying that Jeff/Alan's love story is one where true love heals all because it definitely didn't. They both struggled to understand each other at first, but Alan was persistent enough and willing to break down Jeff's barriers. Alan didn't force Jeff to connect, but instead, he invited him. He made space for Jeff in his life. He gave Jeff that option. There's real power in providing choices... in offering a choice rather than an ultimatum.

And for Jeff, who had only ever been treated as a tool and isolated himself, Alan gave him something rare: agency and affection. Alan made that risk feel worth it, because with Alan, Jeff was simply human. Not a weapon, not a tool, not an item to be auctioned to the richest bidder. With Alan, he was just Jeff, Alan's boy, and a damn good mechanic that Hunter X needed. Alan made Jeff feel like someone who was wanted for who he was, not for what he could do.

It's why Jeff tries, in his own way, to ease Alan's burden. So he didn't tell Alan his powers were worsening, didn't reveal just how bad it had gotten, because he didn't want Alan to feel responsible for the inevitable for his type of power. He saw how much pressure Alan was already under, how deeply Alan blamed himself for every fracture in the team, and how Alan's injury was taking a toll on him. So, Jeff tries and tries to ease that burden, keeping his own situation a secret and trying to help him move on with Dean. However, it's the last thing that Alan seems capable of doing... moving on and burying another person he cares for.

When Dean disappears after the explosion, it's like something within Alan just snaps. For Alan, it's just another sign that he's not enough to protect the people that he cares about. He refuses to stop searching for Dean's body and refuses to acknowledge what everyone is thinking because admitting that Dean is dead would be another failure. Another person that he couldn't save. For Alan, searching is almost his penance of sorts to Dean for letting him sacrifice himself for the safety of the team.

And Jeff sees the downward spiral Alan is venturing into. Jeff suggests Dean's burial not because he wanted to force Alan to find some closure, but rather, he was trying to ease Alan's suffering by offering to give him anything that could ground him.

The issue is that Alan didn't take it that way.

Alan's Breaking Point

Intentions versus perception is one hell of a thing. And while Jeff intended to ground Alan, Alan only heard that Jeff was telling him to give up. Finality. And Alan, who was clinging to the hope that Dean would not be another person that he lost and failed to save, lashed out. He literally pushed Jeff away, not out of cruelty, but out of anger and pain towards his own perceived failure.

But the thing is that, amid his spiraling, he lashes out at Jeff. Jeff, who had spent years building walls to survive, was only starting to become accustomed to being loved without condition, without being perfect, right, or useful. And Alan pushes Jeff away for suggesting a burial... It's not just a disagreement but a rejection of Jeff's attempt to comfort him. To love and care for Alan in the only way he knows how, by being painfully realistic. By preparing Alan gently for the blow he can't stop.

However, after everything Alan has gone through—and everything he has lost—he doesn't see it as comfort. Instead, they land as confirmation of his worst fear: The Dean is gone. That he failed to protect the people he cared about again. To Alan, the burial would only prove to him his own ineptitude. To stop searching, stop hoping, stop believing that he could have saved Dean because he's not enough. And while he feels guilty about Dean and failing to protect him, he also feels worse thinking that he wouldn't be able to protect those that he loves.

Especially Jeff.

Because Jeff isn't just someone that he loves. Jeff is the one person that Alan wants to protect, to keep close, safe, and whole. And, to Alan, if his failure is still unfolding, he likely fears that Jeff might be the one to pay for it next. Because if he can't find and protect Dean, then he can't protect those that he deems important to him, and Jeff might be the next one to pay.

Jeff's Silence

But for Jeff, that moment also seems to cut along scars that he never allowed to fully heal. Even though Jeff has opened up in the few years he has been with Alan, he had spent many more years closing down and hiding from others. Jeff, for a greater part of his life, was not used to being wanted when he was vulnerable. Again, he grew up in an environment where there was no love given to the children, just a value number. And Alan's anger feels like rejection.

Jeff doesn't yell back. He doesn't respond. He doesn't demand Alan to apologize. He just goes quiet and shuts down.

Because silence is what has always protected him and kept him safe for all those years under Tony's control. Silence meant survival. And for a moment, it returns like muscle memory.

Jeff retreats into that old armor because somewhere deep down, he already believes that he's messed up. He's still carrying the weight of keeping the status of his powers a secret from Alan, which had resulted in him being frozen out.

And now, with Alan lashing out, showing Jeff a kind of anger that Jeff had never seen directed at him, all Jeff can do is freeze. Withdraw. Makes himself smaller. Because at least if he says nothing, he can't make it worse. At least if he stayed silent, Alan would never look at him like that again.

At least his silence won't lead to his disappointment.

Alan's Desperation

And in the aftermath, Alan is fully disappointed in himself. The guilt, helplessness, and his crushing sense of not being enough settle into something dangerous and desperate. Not only that, but Winner hits the one cord that he knows will make Alan compliant. Winner purposefully mentions that if Tony gets Charlie's blood, he'll leave the Hunter X team alone.

So he goes to Tony. Not out of trust. But it was the most brutal form of self-sacrifice.

Alan doesn't go to Tony because he believes in him or because he naively thinks that it will all turn out okay. This isn't really about his injury. It all boils down to his belief that he can't protect the people he loves in his current state. So, he has to become someone else, even if that means striking a deal with the devil.

Because he's tired. Tired of being the one left in the aftermath, unable to stop it, and unable to save them.

While Charlie, Jeff, Babe, and all the others are trying to shed their powers, attempting to reclaim normalcy and escape the pain that comes with being used and chosen against their will, Alan still sees power.

And so he lets himself become the guinea pig, Tony's new experiment willing to fulfill his demands in exchange for the safety of his team, the very people he cares about the most. So that he doesn't get left behind again. So that nobody else has to suffer.

Tragedy of Love and Miscommunication

Like in any relationship, communication is key, and this rings true for Alan and Jeff. It's not that they love each other any less. If anything, it's the complete opposite. They love each other so much that they both fall into the trap of trying to protect rather than trying to communicate with each other. However, you can't truly protect someone when you can't be fully honest with them. You can't shield each other from pain and harm if you're unwilling to share the burden.

And that applies not only to his relationship with Jeff, but also to his relationship with everyone that he loves.

From the first moment we met Alan, he has consistently shown that he would willingly sacrifice himself for those he cares about.

Alan thinks he's protecting Jeff and the ones that he loves by carrying all his worries alone. By secretly sacrificing himself for their sake. But love that hides too much becomes a love that only hurts. Protection without communication only serves to breed misunderstanding. And in their silence, they stop seeing each other clearly.

And the tragedy is that they're all trying to love each other in the best way they know how.

They just haven't realized that love isn't meant for each of them to be carrying the burden of their worries alone.

If you think yes, let me explain.

When Kenta is kidnapped and brought in for their experience. My boy is in for suffering, AGAIN. But i hope its an eye opener to so many. Like everyone views him as an asshole, and are so self absorbed and sad over the way their own life went. But what about Kenta? No one gives a damn about how Kenta is feeling or what Kenta went through! My boy suffered and have never felt enough in the eyes of their father. And he tried so damn hard to be worthy, even tho he has no special ability (at least what we know of). AND NO ONE. EVER. FREAKING CARED.

So watch him suffer, where you can see it. And truly look at it.

He's a good person and he deserves love. He was made into the man he is today by his father. But its not who he is deep down. He never wanted anything more than to be loved. He even killed his father, to stop him from hurting anyone anymore.

He just wants to help. He fights alone, cause he has always been alone. He tries to help the way he knows how.

no ship/dynamic has me hooked like that of kimkenta in the recent past istg.

I can literally feel the brainrot and those two running around in my brain all the damn time!!!