#pining!dean

He fishes for his phone in the center console, turning it on for the first time in two days. Their last hunt left Sam with a bum wrist so he’s resting in a hotel a few miles away. Unable to hunt, Dean doesn’t feel the need check his messages for once.

The screen illuminates in his near pitch car, no texts, no calls. He sighs, searches out a familiar number and dials before he can think twice.

The answering machine picks up.

“Cas, hey, where are you? I’m stuck in this little town in Ohio for a few days. I’m not on a hunt or anything, but I just. I miss you I guess. Call or fly by, bat signal. I dunno, just let me know you’re alive.” His time is up, the automated voice asks if he’d like to re-record his message.

A logical part of Sam noted how easy this was, how Dean, who was still definitely stronger, seemed to be surrendering without a real fight. But Sam brushed the thought aside, too pleased with his victory.

Dean has gone completely still. The competitive fire in his eyes snuffs out, replaced by a wide, startled shock. Dean is fighting for a different reason now. He’s struggling, his body tensing for a whole new purpose.

Dean’s got a new problem. Ever since Sam left for Stanford, it’s been bubbling up inside of him. At first, immense grief that came in violent waves but followed by something more terrible, uglier, than anything he’d ever felt. It was like a match that lit up his most possessive and obsessive parts, and he was set alight by it, just smouldering endlessly as Sam did… whatever he does now.

It started with feverish nights as he tossed and turned, thinking about Sam incessantly and what he did and why he wasn’t fucking here right now, laying beside him. He would ache for Sam. He missed his smell and the soft brush of his hair against his arm as he woke slowly in the wake of the rising sun. Ir hurt like an anvil on his chest, knocked the wind out of him every time he thought about it. And he thought about it all the time — like the worst kind of masochist — and it only hurt worse when he drank, which he did a lot of, too. Sometimes he’d get so loaded that he’d find himself crying as he tried to sleep, in that drunken half-awake state of mind where his subconscious took the wheel. He’d weep over Sam and how badly he missed him, how bad he wanted him near him, to touch and to grab and to hold.

And just like that, it started to grow — the problem — seeing its way into Dean’s life and investing in permanent property in his mind. 

The nights slowly started to shift, crawling away from sad but quickly approaching desperate. And desperate was a whole new kind of game to play, whimpering into the sheets and whining Sam’s name over and over again until he’d dissolve into heaving in the mattress, his fingernails digging into the edges. A little more liquor than usual after a couple of nights, and suddenly he’s fallen into a habit of humping against the mattress as he cries and begs to a dark and empty room for something he can’t have. And then, once he’s good and hard, he dries his eyes, flops onto his back and takes his cock in his fist, head reclining into the pillow as his eyes roll back and he rocks into his hand. Another two nights, and he’s saying Sam’s name.

It follows him around sober now, too. It’s eaten up too much of his time, taken fascination to such extremes that he knows it intends to stick around, and he’s aware of it. He’s aware of it all of the time. Sammy. His Sammy is gone. And what he left behind is a feral older brother that wants to possess him and overcome him with lust. He’s completely out-of-control, out-of-line, but Dad’s barely around anymore, and Dean’s so fucked up and twisted from sitting around and thinking about it for so damn long that he can’t tell anymore if he’s grievous or grateful for the separation. He’s completely and utterly alone, and Sam creeps up and manifests in every space of him, inhabiting and expanding inside Dean’s chest until he’s void of who is completely because he’s entirely made up of Sam. He’s nothing without him, and it makes him nuts, always one wrong move away from starting the car and going to drag his ass home.

Can you please recommend some of the angstiest, filled-with-pining, slowest burning destiel fics (91w-esque sort of)? I want to feel the pain and pining (and eventual happiness).

Thank you! Have a lovely day <3

Hey there! Here are a few:

I Wanna Get Outside (Of Me) by emwebb17 (Explicit, 142k words)

Dean is a novice in the dom/sub world asked by his employer as a desperate last resort to be a sub for his recluse of a brother, Castiel. Castiel is a diagnosed OCD suffering from PTSD and agoraphobia, mysophobia, and dystychiphobia. Needless to say—he’s a mess who hasn’t stepped out of his home in literally seven years. The only times Gabriel can see traces of the way his brother used to be is when he feels in control—specifically when he has control over a sub. However, due to his idiosyncrasies and paranoia, keeping a sub around has been impossible. Enter Dean, who’s not a very traditional submissive, to try his hand at subbing for the hermit.

For Evermore by casblackfeathers (Explicit, 110k words)

There's no place like home. This was a line Castiel used to know by heart when he was a kid, watching The Wizard of Oz and believing fairytales were real. At thirty-one years old, he isn't a kid anymore, and it has been twelve years since he has known what home feels like. Twelve years. That's when his world had come crashing down and he had left his hometown, Holly Springs, with the broken pieces of what he once was to build a new life in San Francisco. But as circumstances force him to come back to the only place he swore he would never return to, Castiel is finally forced to face everything he once knew and loved. Especially when said everything is made of spring-green eyes and a stardust of freckles, wrapped in all the memories Castiel was not able to erase from his heart. After twelve years, Dean is as mesmerizing as Castiel remembers, but the scars of what was broken still run as deeply as the marrow of his bones, and Castiel will do everything he can to protect himself. After all, his favorite movie also taught him that 'until hearts can be made unbreakable,' he can’t listen to his own.

Memories Bring Back Memories (Bring Back You) by sobsicles (Explicit, 66k words)

When he wakes, he has no idea who he is. Not his name, what he looks like, or why he’s flat on his back, staring up at the stars littering the night sky. The first thing he learns about himself is that he has shitty instincts, especially if his first one is to protect the blue-eyed man currently stabbing someone in the face. Or, the story where two strangers can’t agree on much and know even less, but they’re both fairly certain that they’re in love.

On The Other Side by crowleyhasfeels, QuillsAndInk (Explicit, 63k words)

While deployed in Afghanistan, Dean Winchester writes letters to a girl who he's certain isn't listening. By chance, they are found by Professor Castiel Novak who takes the time to reply. Thus begins the tale of a man dragged back from the brink of destruction by the shattered pieces of one person he doesn't know how to love. This is a story of brokenness, love and triumph. This is the story of Dean and Cas.

Out of the Deep by riseofthefallenone (Explicit, 488k words)

Stay away from the light-beds. Stay in the deep. It is the first thing hatchlings are taught the moment their fans unfurl and they can swim without their parents to buoy them along. It is the first rule, the first law. It is the beginning of every boogey-monster bedtime story told when they settle against the cliffs to sleep. Castiel should have listened better.

Pick It All Up by thepinupchemist (Explicit, 126k words)

Army veteran Castiel Novak is a wreck after his tour in Afghanistan, brought home to his brother’s apartment in Lawrence, Kansas with scars both mental and physical. He copes poorly, and during one night of bad decision making, meets somebody just as much of a disaster as he is – a prostitute named Dean Winchester. And suddenly, two damaged men might not be as irreparable as they believed.

Quarantension by everandanon (Explicit, 293k words)

In which Dean and Cas weather quarantine together like any Good Friends would — by developing outstanding skills in self-deception and providing all the casual affection and strictly platonic* orgasms the other could possibly need to make it through.**  *Really not platonic **Spoiler: They need a lot.

Redemption Road by Various (Explicit, 652k words)

With Castiel having set himself up as the new God, drunk on power and volatile as a nuclear reactor, Dean, Sam, and Bobby find themselves on the run from the jealous, capricious monster wearing the face of their friend. Desperate for protection and wary of his brother’s mental state since Castiel unlocked Sam’s memories of Hell, Dean knows Castiel must be defused before he can wreak further havoc in Heaven or on Earth. Although Bobby advocates for destroying Castiel by whatever means necessary, Dean is convinced the Cas he once knew still remains, buried somewhere beneath the mass of poisonous souls and calling out for help. Determined to save the angel who once rescued him from Hell and redefined his purpose in life, Dean himself must resist the allure of the false deity vying for his obedience, and come to terms with the knowledge, long-suppressed, that his feelings for Castiel run much deeper than brotherhood. It is this bond, and the dubious distinction of the Righteous Man, that will ultimately grant Dean access to where Castiel’s grace languishes in Purgatory. However, what Dean brings back with him is broken, angry, and only half-angel, certainly not the Castiel he remembers—and nor is it the only thing that returns to Earth with them…

So Says The Sword by komodobits (Explicit, 85k words)

The briefing was simple: ‘Stand guard over the Michael Sword until the battle is ready to commence. Await further instructions.’ Castiel doesn’t mind working security duty; he was briefed shortly after the initial salvation of the Sword from the pit, and again before taking up his position. He knows what to do. However, it’s easy to forget that the green room isn’t real. Time moves differently there, the space ever-changing to make a prison of mountains, cathedrals, salt flats, orchards, and whatever Castiel was led to believe about Heaven’s greatest weapon—Dean Winchester is something entirely unexpected.

Stay With Me, Sweetheart by MandalaRose (Explicit, 142k words)

“Alright Cas, here comes the hard part. We’re gonna get you out of here, but we’ve gotta take the roof off and while we do that, we’re gonna have to cover you with a sheet to protect you from the glass. I’ll be right here though. I’m not going anywhere.” As he starts to drift away, he suddenly feels the press of Dean’s forehead against his own through the rough fabric and hears that warm, sunlit voice murmer quietly in his ear, too low to be overheard by the firefighters currently working to remove the SUV’s roof, “Stay with me, Sweetheart.” A single moment’s distraction ends with a serious car accident that leaves Castiel trapped in his vehicle. Fortunately for him, fire fighter Dean Winchester is there, never leaving Castiel’s side as the rest of his company work to free him from the mangled remains of his SUV. When the two meet again in the ICU, Castiel finds himself just as drawn to and comforted by the handsome fireman as he was during his accident. Dean is certainly attractive, but single father Castiel doesn’t have time or space in his life for a romantic relationship. Then again, there’s no harm in making a new friend, is there?

The Sawdust Men by linoresearch (Explicit, 123k words)