#pillowfluffs

Roars of the fans were loud as they cheered on for their favorite idols and groups, waving their light sticks, holding up banners and signs. It was funny since you were once like them but now you were on the other side. Now there were others cheering for you and your group. ISAC - the Idol Star Athletics Championships, a field day for idols to show off their athletic side and for groups from all companies to come together and to have fun, spend time with friends and fans. Cameras and lights everywhere. But this was also a constant thought that had to be remembered as an idol - there’s always someone watching.

You walked down the hallway, back toward the stadium after your quick bathroom break and now it was time to rejoin with your group, wherever they were. You hadn’t really seen them since you finished your events for the day and they had theirs, so your group was scattered all around.

It was like entering a new world as the lights were suddenly shining down, and you could almost feel some eyes turning toward you. But then again, there was a lot more screaming now that the male group idols were participating in wrestling.

Your fingers fiddled with the bandage you were trying to unwrap but they were so different from the ones you were used to back home. You had a cut you didn’t even realize you had until you were washing your hands and the soap had gotten into the cut.

Your eyes wandered around the stadium before looking back down to your bandage, fiddling with the paper but you couldn’t find the preferated seam, none of those. But with your eyes on the ground, you didn’t even notice the steps approaching you, the sudden body standing before you.

“Uh, do you need help?” A deep voice asked you quietly admist all the chaos and loudness all around the spacious stadium.

You looked up and met eyes with Monsta X’s I.M, his dark brown hair long and his eyes almost invisible behind them. 

“Oh, yes please,” you snapped yourself out of it, realizing you had been frozen for just a bit too long. You handed him the bandaid as he took it from the palm of your hand, ripping the wrapping with ease, though you kept your eyes on the ground. Your mind raced. What was your manager going to say? How would fans react, especially now that Monsta X was on the rise and your group were still rookies. How would they feel toward these interactions, especially since there were fans online and everywhere who were known to interpret the slightest interactions as two idols possible dating or that they liked each other. 

You stuck your finger out, allowing him to wrap the bandage around your little cut. “Thank you,” you bowed, only to feel immense heat rise up in your chest seeing glances from other male idols and that was when it hit you that you were on the “male” side, since males and females tended to sit apart from each other, unless they were close brother/ sister groups like Twice and Stray Kids and such. 

“You’re welcome, Y/N. Try to be careful,” he smiled kindly before he backed away cooly, returning to his seat. 

Why was your heart beating so fast? You were fortunately able to find your other group members, much more at ease with them but you couldn’t hel but glance back toward the area he sat in.. well, to him, though you had to resist the urge - you couldn’t risk a scandal or rumor and trouble either groups and companies. But you did notice something... he was getting closer.. You couldn’t tell if it was just your imagination, if you were thinking too much about it or not. His group was sat in the stands, now they were sat at the edge of the stadium, and now they were sitting closer to the groups. 

When it was time for one of your members’ events, you stood up to cheer when that’s when you felt it. As you stood, you bumped into someone, knocking you right back down to where you once sat. 

“I’m sorry, didn’t see you there,” the familiar voice called out to you as he helped you up, offering his hands to you. Changkyun lifted you up to your feet. “Sorry about that.” 

“It’s fine,” you bowed politely before turning away, though his hand was still holding onto yours. 

“Uh, before you go, maybe we can contact each other?” his voce was quiet as his head down. He slipped a piece of paper into your hand before bowing with the nod of his head and disappearing with the rest of his group. 

His mind was hazy as his thoughts blurred together under the influence of alcohol but the clear thing he could see in the mess of his head was you. You were the one thing, the one person he would always be able to see clearly. The way you talked with your velvet voice in his ears, the way you smiled enrapturing him as if it was your power. Your scent intoxicated him stronger than any drug and he was addicted to it- addicted to you. How you were able to entrance him so was incomprehensible.

He was unable to leave his hands off of your hands, arms, legs, or sides whenever he drank a little too much. The door to his true feelings for you was pushed wide open, revealing everything he could to you and he regretted nothing. He took in these moments with you, imprinting them into his hazy memory the best he could to remember your presence by your side the next morning. 

In his eyes, you were so precious. You were everything to him and you were all his, making him giddy. There was just something about your personality, who you were as a human that coaxed him out of his shell, evaporating all his fears and insecurities deep inside of him. You made him feel something he couldn’t really feel with anyone else - whole. 

You laid beside him on his bed, your head resting on his arm he stretched out only for you. He couldn’t take his eyes off of you. Even in the darkness of the night with the street lamp shining in, you were such a beauty. You were ethereal to him. He couldn’t focus on just one thing about you. One thing always led to another and you made him unable to think straight. God it was frustrating but he never wanted this frustration to disappear.

You were the sun and all the stars to him. No matter how bad things seemed or felt to be in his life or anywhere, you made things seem okay when you were with him. You shined brighter than any star in the universe in his eyes. No one compared to you.

“God, I love you so much,” he breathed against your cheek, his breath with the smell of hennessy tickling your nose. His arm was draped across your waist and he didn’t push further. He never did when he was drunk, letting his emotions take over his actions when his mind wasn’t clear enough to do anything. He didn’t do things, engage in activities with you when he wasn’t sober. He respected your boundaries and who you were as a person as you did with him. 

He didn’t need to ravish your body to show his love for you. He let his words speak for himself rather than his actions but sometimes you rendered him speechless. You did things to his heart and head he didn’t know could be done.

Your soft laughter filling his ears made his heart do little flips in his chest. He didn’t know who to thank for your existence in his life, your mere presence that was bestowed to him. You were the one person he wanted to see a future with.

Johnny was wrapped around your finger and all he could say when he was speechless was a single word as he tightened his hold on you.

“Mine.”

The time said it was almost noon and Jeno was still asleep soundly in bed

He usually woke up a little before, around the same time, or even a little after you did but so far he rarely slept in

The other members had already woke up and Renjun already began to make breakfast alongside Chenle and Jisung to his aid

Mark and Haechan was still washing up and Jaemin just sat across the table from you, drinking his coffee with his espresso shots

Jeno must’ve been very very tired for him to still be asleep this late

But it made sense they all just finished recording their new music video, Go, for this upcoming comeback

And they travelled out of the country for a music video

And from what they told you, it was very exhausting and it took two whole days with little room for error and rest in between

Ofc this part is just part of the story. Idk how long they actually spend recording

And since they recorded in a different country, they were all pretty jet lagged, specifically Jeno who had it the worst

He had trouble sleeping on the plane ride back

but since it was a comeback, this meant many different promotions on the different shows and then dance practices that were already scheduled to come up soon

It took a lot to be an idol and to be so young in the industry too with little free time

“If Jeno doesn’t wake up, he won’t get any waffles,” Renjun warned to which you took this as your queue to wake him

“Will I get any if I go wake him?” You teased already knowing you would get some

Renjun and you had been close friends since you met everyone else, almost your brother

“We’ll see,” he smiled but you knew you would or you would make him make more for you

But you were also surprised how awake they all were but then again, they were probably more tired than they were showing

Like they were trained to

Wearing one of Jeno’s super oversized shirts, you made your way through the dorm towards his room at the end of the hall

You opened his door to smell his cologne mixed with his natural scent fill your nose

It was such a pleasant smell, you loved it

He slept on his back, his bare upper body exposed with one arm stretched over his pillows above his head with the other slung over his stomach

His blanket draped over his legs

From the doorway, you could see his chest slowly rising and falling with each breath he took

You crawled beside him from. The foot of the bed and laid on top of him, propping yourself by your arms  

“Jeno, it’s time to wake up,” you peppered featherlike kisses to his cheek, the heat from his body going into your body as you laid on his stomach

This only stirred him a little bit, getting him to hum in his deep sleep

“Jeno,” you dragged out a bit louder, “it’s time for breakfast.”

“Mmmm...” was all you got from him as he wrapped his arms around your form on him, cuddling you

Your face was suddenly squished between his arms and his bare chest as he continued to sleep

“Food time,” you mumbled into his skin, stretching your neck to kiss his jaw, rubbing the side of his arm

There really was no use

He was drained and could most likely sleep for another couple hours but he should stay awake and then sleep at night to fix his jet lag

“Wake up,” your voice soft against his skin as you rubbed his arm

But this only made him turn on his side, his hold still on you as he draped one of his legs beneath the blanket over yours

He rendered you immobile, all except your other hand

“Just a bit longer,” the first words he was able to speak to you

But his voice was barely there with how sleepy he was

“You’ll miss the breakfast Renjun made,” you said

“It’s fine,” he said breathily as he rested his chin to the crown of your head. “Mm, you’re so warm,” he said as he somehow fell even deeper into sleep

There really was no way you could wake him up

But a bit longer wouldn’t hurt, right?

You stroked your hand over his bare back, drawing light lines with the pads of your finger over his smooth skin

There was something about the way he held you that began to make you feel tired too

You ended up yawning more and more the longer you stayed in his embrace, surrounded by his smell

His weight on your body that was able to lull you to sleep faster than any weighted blanket or melatonin could

Your light strokes gradually slowed down to a stop as your eyes grew heavier, your body relaxing into his

“Wake up!” The sound of Renjun’s voice was loud enough that startled you, making you jump in his embrace that was able to finally wake up Jeno

“You came in here like half an hour ago to wake him up, how did you fall asleep with him?”

The room was suddenly filled with laughter as you woke up to find the other dreamies surrounding the two of you

Jaemin taking pictures to tease the two of you in the future with

“Wash up and go eat the waffles before they go cold,” Renjun scolded as he still wore his apron, waving his spatula menacingly at the stretching Jeno

“And put some clothes on!” He said as they all left the room, leaving the two of you

“Good morning,” he said as he blinked down to you, remnants of sleep evident in his low morning voice

“Good afternoon,” you smiled up to him, pressing a smiling kiss to his cheek, making him squeeze his arms around your waist, turning his body with you still in your grasp

He could get used to waking up like this

The moon was high in the sky, concealed behind the gray clouds that let the rain fall. Droplets of rain tapped against the windows and the roof of the house. But the outside didn’t matter. Nothing did. All you could feel in this moment was Taeil and all he could feel was your body pressed against his.

He held your hand in his, his other arm wrapped around your waist from behind as soft music played from your phone. He rested his face on the top of your head as he swayed you slowly to the music in the dark kitchen, the only light source coming from he streetlamp standing in the rain.

“I’ve loved you three summers now, honey, but I want ‘em all…”

He did. He wanted you, he wanted to be selfish. He wanted to keep you all to himself for the rest of his life. He remembered the day he met you, the days he found his mind straying from the lectures, his eyes drifting to your focused self sitting comfortably in class. He felt his heart skip a beat whenever your eyes met his. Spending moments like these where he felt himself falling in love with you all over again.

“Ladies and gentlemen, will you please stand?”

A smile spread on his features as he imagined a week from now, he would see you walking toward him down the aisle. You were really going to be his and he was going to be yours. He could only be patient and wait for that day to come.

“Can we always be this close forever and ever?” He sang softly along to the song playing on repeat, his lips pressing a kiss to the top of your head before he gave you a small twirl. The two of you danced to the slow song in the dark kitchen in pajamas.

His voice. Moon Taeil. Your soon to be husband. The thought of him had a relieving affect on you that seemed to make you calm when he appeared in your mind of beside you, taking your hand in his whenever he could. You never thought you would fall in love in life, let alone be getting married, but you understood now. Love. The happiness you felt well up in your chest seeing him get excited, the shyness you suddenly felt when he played with your hair or his face being inches away from yours and his eyes boring into yours, his gaze unwavering.

“You’re my lover,” you spoke into the silence before the song repeated. “Of course we can.” You smiled up at him to which he leaned down, giving you a sweet kiss on the lips.

Na Jaemin was unconditionally in love with you and there was nothing that could change the feelings he had for you. He found himself gravitating toward you whenever you came into the room, brightening everything and everyone all around you. The pull he felt towards you was one he subconsciously looked for. There was nothing you could say or do to him to make his affection for you waver.

The way words were so easy to fall from your lips fresh from your mind leaving no thought or feeling bottled up. You weren’t shy around him and neither was he. You made it feel like he could be himself around you with no filter. He felt like he could be open around you and you adopted to his personality. He felt free with you. He listened intently whenever you spoke and took every word in making it clear you were always heard. A smile naturally formed over his lips when you let your true self, exposing all your vulnerabilities to him whenever the two of you were left alone. You weren’t afraid to show him your tears and let all your insecurities consume you from the inside out when he held your hand. His touch reminded you that he would always be by your side.

He didn’t hesitate when you called him. The sound of your broken voice filled with him with a sadness. Your emotions got the best of you as you released them. He didn’t care when he felt the cold drops of water splashing on his face, into his eyes, the shivers rushing down his spine. He wanted- needed to get to you. His clothes were dripping soaked with rain water. He never hesitated to open his arms, welcoming you into his warm embrace. Jaemin wanted to always be by your side, to grow old with you and pass into the beyond. He wanted to see your smile and feel his heart swell with love and contentment knowing you were his no matter the age, no matter where he was.

The way your laugh filled the room and always caught his attention no matter what he was doing or who he was talking to. You always pierced through and stole his eyes as they softened upon you.

To love you unconditionally meant for Jaemin to be satisfied with your happiness. Even if it wasn’t him beside you. He was. He watched you from afar seeing you smile and attention on someone else. The guy who was able to catch your attention, able to pepper kisses along the soft skin of your face. He was the one who was able to see your smiles and laughs, feel your soft touches combing through his hair. He was able to see your raw, open self. But things changed. The days where you were filled with laughter and giggles were replaced with the days you buried our face into your arm, concealing yourself. Jaemin wished he could take you away from the world and smother you in his love but he couldn’t. You weren’t his but only a desire now. 

You spent days and weeks alone showing no smile on your face. You were alone. As Jaemin reached his hand out to you like he always had, this time you turned away from it. The mouth and lips that never hesitated to speak the thoughts floating in your mind was suddenly sewn shut. The fuzzy feeling of love he has morphed into an ache but his love was still there, just in a different form.

The night you appeared on his doorstep, your tears mixing with the rain. Your eyes red matching his own. For him to be the one smiling whenever you were around, he began to lose it when your presence gradually disappeared. His heart ached thinking about you, seeing your figure as a distant memory.

The sudden pain of seeing you flooded him after seeing you for the first time in almost two months. He pulled you into his arms burying his face into the crook of your neck. He didn’t care about the rain. He didn’t care about his clothes getting soaked. He cared about you.

“It was you the whole time,” you quivered as you spoke, unsure whether it was the cold making you like this or your true emotions coming out. “It was always you from the beginning, and I never noticed,” you sobbed as you cried into his shoulder. “I’m sorry, Jaemin.”

His love for you bloomed as the feeling of his love for you took its original form. The feeling of being with him, being in his arms never changed despite all the changes in your life. The warmth from being in his arms seeped into you, making the truth hurt even more. The truth you never noticed right in front of you, beside you, this entire time. The truth that always held his hand out to you, patiently waiting for you to take it and accept it. And you finally did. Na Jaemin was unconditionally in love you and there was nothing that could change it.

“I love you.”

The floor was littered with tissues used to blow your nose and wipe away the tears from your weeping face. You couldn’t control all the sorrow overwhelming you at the moment. No matter what you thought of, all your mind was filled of was the memories of you and your father from your childhood to adulthood. The films you watched of him holding your hand as your unstable legs tried to carry you taking your first steps. When he kissed the pain away from your knee when you fell  on the sidewalk trying to ride it the first time. Then scenario in your head of him walking you down the aisle to give his child away to marriage, to dance with you - it was a day he wouldn’t be able to see and it hurt.

You had to plan everything yourself being the only child. Your father was the youngest of his family and your mother had passed away before he did. The loneliness circulating around you began to creep closer the further you fell into the hole of uncertainty.

A mug of warm water appeared at your side in Taeyong’s hand. The excruciating pain that burned your body from the inside out was unbearable and never losing anyone in his life, he could only imagine the pain of losing both parents.

The water warmed up your cold body, spreading into all your muscles and organs as it went down your throat. Your mind was scattered all over the place as it felt like wounds were opening up and new ones were forming. He was really gone. You wouldn’t see him if you came back next week or if you drove to the hospital to check up on him. If you called him or the landline, you would only hear a memory of his voice. Seeing him alive, breathing, blinking, eating, drinking - these would all become memories that would gradually become distanced.

Taeyong brought you into his arms, his touch on your head as he pressed you closer to his chest, his hands folding his fingers over yours, intertwining them. He was delicate with you. He stayed silent as you let your laments pour out of you. He rubbed circles onto your back, rubbing up and down your arm, never ceasing to let you know he was touching you. He wanted everything he felt for you to reach you and for it to be something comfortable for you to fall back on. He wanted to catch you whenever you needed, to rescue you when it felt like no one was going to. 

You stayed leaned against him as he soothed you, helped you wash away your cries, letting the room fill with a silence. 

“You’re not alone, Y/N. Don’t think you’re alone,” his voice sweet as honey as he pressed long kisses to the crown of your head. He meant his words and his actions. You weren’t alone. You’ll never be alone. “Even if it feels dark and cold around you, know I’ll be with you.”

A fresh wave of tears poured from your eyes down your face as a new feeling erupted in your heart but instead of a pain burning you, it was warm. It somehow made you feel happy hearing these words from Taeyong, reminding you of the words your father said before he drifted into eternal slumber with his dear friends beside him and your mother guiding him.

“He would always be with you.”

His hold around you tightened when you threw your arms around his shoulders weeping into his neck. You trembled under his loving touch as he pressed all he could into you. As much as it hurt and the amount of stuff on your plate was overflowing, it would be something you would have to approach slowly, taking things one at a time, step by step and he was going to be right beside you. Both of them.

The home that you grew up in, the one you thought would only bring you pain when you thought of it was different. Home was full of care, kindness, love. Home was home. Home was Taeyong.

Soft music played from your phone, covering up the sound of the storm spilling from the dark, cloudy heavens above. Oikawa laid in between your legs with his arms draped over them and a headband pushing back his hair. It had been awhile since you had seen him be fully relaxed. You hummed softly along as he laid still with his eyes closed, breathing softly. You played with his hair, combing your fingers through it as you waited for the time to pass. 

The few seconds ticked away and your screen counted down to zero. You carefully peeled the face mask off of his face, gently rubbing the serum into his fine skin. As the song came to an end, the pause as it loaded the next song gave a window of opportunity to the rain and thunder. The wind howled with no mercy, making it sound like the roof would go flying with it into the night. As you came to an end, a clap of thunder sounded, sending its rumbles through the ground, causing you to jump. 

Oikawa stirred in your lap before he peeked open one eye up to you. 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you..” You adjusted his headband the slightest bit. 

“You didn’t mean to, plus it felt really good. Did the thunder shake you?” His hand enveloped yours as he pressed warm kisses to the back of them. He loved your hands, seeing how dainty they were compared to his. 

“Just a little..” You leaned down, pressing a light kiss to his forehead, making him hum in delight. He loved nights like these where he didn’t have to worry about the next day or anything. He adored you. He readjusted himself as well as you by pulling your body down the bed so your head was actually on the pillow. With quick sudden movements, the lamp lights were suddenly dimmed and he laid on your chest with his arms around your sides, each hand holding your own. He snuggled close, taking in your presence as if imprinting you into his soul. 

He took in a big breath and slowly let it out as you tightened your grasp around his hands, feeling how small they were compared to his, how small you were compared to his height. 

You let out a huff of air at this amusement. 

“hm?” he hummed. 

“I’m really small, especially when I’m with you.” You could barely see, but you could tell his feet were barely on the bed and most likely hanging off at his ankles from where he lay. 

“I can keep you safe all the time when you’re this size,” he yawned, crawling up beside you. “You fit right in my arms...” he began to drift off. 

“And I wouldn’t have it any other way.” You turned, meeting his face in the darkness as your legs tangled beneath the blanket.