#pilipina

Take Up the Brown, 2018, oil and printed fabric on canvas, 42” x 28

Kung ayaw mong maging asin, h'wag mong susundin ang kasabihang, "Ang hindi marunong lumingon sa pinanggalingan ay hindi makararating sa kanyang paroroonan."

Ang kasabihang ito ay may dalang magandang kahulugan pero kung gagamitin sa maling paraan, magiging asin ka. Kinuha ng Diyos si Lot at ang kanyang pamilya mula sa Sodom, lugar na puno ng kasalanan, pero ang kanyang asawa ay lumingon pabalik at agad na naging asin. Halos lahat sa atin ay galing sa isang lugar gaya ng Sodom pero isa-isa na tayong inalis ng Diyos doon at inilagay sa lugar kung saan kasama natin Siya. Pero may mga pagkakataong hindi nating maiwasang lumingon at tumakbo pabalik.

We are sinners kaya hindi talaga maiiwasang lumingon pero h'wag kang tatakbo baka madapa ka.

The Sodom is like our Earth today. Lot and His family leaving that place is like the Rapture. And Lot's wife symbolizes the Christians who hesitated to leave the Earth because they are still afraid to leave their sins. What sins? Ask yourself. What sins hinder you from fully committing to Christ? What sins are causing you to look back? You may not overcome it overnight but I'm sure you will. See you above!

Genesis 19:26, "But Lot's wife looked back, and she became a pillar of salt."

Side note:  1. My father is a Pangalatok. His ancestors, both the Insulars and the Igorots, resided within the province of Pangasinan for as long as they could remember. The records I found showed that they were in Pangasinan since 1830s. It’s evident to their side of the family with the prominent features of a Pangasinense. 2. My mother is a Visayan. Her ancestors trace back to the seafarers of Cebu, the might Waray warriors and the Chinese merchants. Her parents just recently migrated to the capital when their 7th child was born (my mother is the 10th and youngest). Although she was born in the City of Manila, she is considered a migrant because her first language is Cebuano instead of Tagalog.

I don’t have any Tagalog blood in me (if you consider five to six generations before me atleast). And because of this, I feel like my identity is a lie sometimes.

I don’t speak my parents’ languages (yes, I call them languages not dialects because they should be regarded as such). I am not familiar with the provinces they were from. I don’t even know the histories of the provinces they were from.

And most of all. I don’t look like a Pangasinense nor a Visayan. I’m like a mix of the two. And this frustrates me so much to the point of me getting mental breakdowns when trying to trace back my roots, hoping that there is atleast one Tagalog ancestor.

Decolonizing is also difficult. As much as I can, I want to remove all these remnants of Spanish, American and Japanese touch but I can’t, for the Spanish and American touch atleast.

Philippines itself was not even a united kingdom before the Spanish came, neither had a one united language when the Americans took over. Plus the fact that I have a Spanish ancestor.

It must be easier if I was born and raised from either the two provinces of my parents rather than here in the Southern Tagalog. But I can only wish.

As a first generation Tagalog, I’m doing my best to balance my idealism with what reality can provide. Reality is that the colonizers were successful in severing our connection from the past and both nature and human activities wiped two hundred years worth of documents from various church records.

Hindi Ibig sabihin na kapag mas mahal mo siya ay mas mahalaga ang nararamdaman niya, pakiusap huwag mong takpan ang mga sugat na pinipilit mong tapalan. Let yourself say “Masakit na pala” kapag hindi mo na kaya.

Mahalaga din ang nararamdaman mo.

11.OCT.19 - 12.OCT.19

We stayed at Burj Al Arab for two days and I have never been this relaxed my entire life.