#pick a side

Pile I.

tw: suicidal thoughts, suicide, and triggering.

knight of swords reversed, queen of wands reversed, the wheel of fortune sideways, four of swords sideways, and chains.

When happiness arrives for you, you tend to allow your mind to drift away from the feeling. You do not allow your emotions to come forth, to show appreciation and gratitude for oneself and your hard work. Or how others helped you, how your intuition guided you, or how your religion helped you. Whatever the case is, you don't allow yourself to feel; you just go to the next situation like a horse would if they're running a race. You need to learn to appreciate the flaws that you have even when you get what you receive. Happiness comes to us in all different shapes and forms. For others it would be through success and money and it can also be winning a trophy. Even in my case, it is buying a book that makes me happy. In your case it's appreciating yourself for the little details about yourself, but you always nitpick every single thing, so how can you appreciate yourself? How can you enjoy the emotions and stay grounded if you keep sabotaging your happiness?

The fear that comes forth is a fear of sabotage. Now I understand that this sounds like, “oh, I'm afraid that if I sabotage so-and-so that I should be afraid of sabotaging myself instead, right?” No. The thing is that you have a fear of sabotaging yourself and then become scared that you're sabotaging yourself. It's kind of like making yourself the villain of your own story because you disrespect what you say and then nitpick and insult yourself in the past for the aftermath of now. Then when it comes to the future, you do it again in the same cycle that never ends. Think of the Wheel of Fortune. Not the tarot cards but the game—it spends each time someone spends it for the game but there are certain parts where there's a low income prize or you cannot get something out of it, it's the same thing like this: Each time you spin it, you keep making it hard for you to receive happiness because you keep expecting something new.

You cannot settle but you must settle. You must not think 'oh let me get this over with, let me go to the next thing.' You cannot go to the next thing, you have to settle down and feel the emotions. You also have an addiction to playing video games, using technology, or reading too much. Yeah, some of you are reading way too much, and you're procrastinating and sabotaging your other duties. You have to prioritize everything and keep it in balance. Think of healthy productivity. You cannot do everything all at once. You're limiting your potential, and you're causing yourself stress and this is the fear. This is the fear because you keep repeating your life on a loop and you don't take breaks. You must take breaks. It's okay to take breaks. It's normal to take breaks.

I know that you idolize other people, and you see, ‘oh they are so successful, so successful, so they must have been grinding the first time.’ No, they're not grinding so hard, they took breaks. Some of them may have not, but they have learned lessons to take breaks. You also see tarot readers who keep making posts, or they're doing paid readings, and then you feel jealousy because they're successful and you want to feel successful, but you cannot be successful if you keep at it. You're gonna burn yourself out and some of you are already burnt out as it is. You need to let it go, you need to let it go. You cannot go all the way straight in and do it—you must take breaks. Some of you even think that I grinded very hard when I did my readings, but I took breaks when I first started out.And then I became insecure and went at it, grinding so much. And I was not getting anything out of it. And now I don't grind as much as I used to. And I'm slowly going back into the same momentum as I used to. And seeing success slowly come to me. So it's a slow process. Everything is a slow process. You're going to have ups and downs all the time. But at the end of the day, you need to take breaks, and you need to prioritize yourself and take care of your emotions because if you don't and you don't surround yourself, you're going to burn out, and you're gonna quit completely.

You have two reverse cards. Honey, this is about taking breaks. You need that break. If you don't take that break, you're gonna get to the point where you're gonna start lying to yourself, you're gonna start causing trouble for yourself, and you're going to feel disgusted with yourself. This whole reading is that you need to learn to take breaks.

I know that when you have been in this mindset for so long that if you take a break, then you are not worthy of something in particular but in this circumstance you are worthy. And I know that you were conditioned to think this way and I'm sorry that you have. However, it is now your responsibility to take charge of your whole life and change your mindset because everything is about mindset. If you learn to nurture yourself, take care of your emotions and your mindset, then each time you do something simple like brushing your teeth or taking a shower, you are going to automatically thank yourself but it is going to be in your own way. But you have to start thanking yourself—you gotta become your own best friend, your own lover. Whatever you love, you gotta be that for yourself. You gotta stop loving things that are toxic. This is not for you. This should not be for you. This should not even be in your nature. You need to fuck off with those people that have treated you like crap, bullied you, made fun of you, conditioned you, whatever it is. Let them go. They are not worth your time. You are worth your own time. You have to respect yourself because if you don't respect yourself… you're gonna screw yourself in a pickle, and you're never going to return from everything—

People can burn out very quickly, but it's their responsibility to allow themselves to slow down and take a break. You feel guilt for taking a break but you should not feel guilt. Intuition tells me that “if you keep having this mindset where you feel guilty for taking breaks and you keep at it when you become an adult—not as of now, but like when you're in your 30s and 40s, and if you're in your 30s or 40s, then in your 50s and 60s. You'll come to the point where life has no meaning, and you will feel suicidal. You will feel so drained and exhausted. You won't think that life has meaning. You'll get to the point where you think that life should just be mindless, where you do a 9 to 5 job, where you don't do anything, and you're just... just like la la la, whatever, life is just life. You will become monotone and emotionless; you'll feel like you are devoid of your emotions. You won't feel anything and will literally chase to feel your emotions.” That is why I'm saying you need to learn to take breaks, and each time that you cannot take a break, remind yourself about this reading, or remind yourself of the time that you were burnt out in your life and how you allowed yourself to not feel burnt out anymore. What did you do exactly, how did you take care of yourself? You need to consider your past as the key to help you out with this notion.

You need to think of productivity as a reward system. Each time you're productive, like brushing your teeth or taking a shower, give yourself a small reward. It can be a cheat day. It could be one chocolate piece. It could be reading two or three chapters. It can be something small. And if you do something bigger, like finish your homework or finish two stacks of an essay or whatever, whatever. It doesn't matter. Give yourself a bigger reward. But it has to be genuine. You have to be genuine, and if you don't, you'll start to lie to yourself. And when you start to lie to yourself constantly, it's going to be so hard for you to get out of that cycle. Think of generational trauma. It's hard to get out of generational trauma because that is what you were taught and conditioned to have. So if you keep at it and if you have children, the same thing is going to happen. Do you really want your children to be like that? Or do you really want your future self to be like that? I don't think so.

You are at these pathways, there are two pathways… one is following what I'm telling you to a new path that I cannot spoil for you, and the other one is following your way that I can spoil for you, and it ends up with suicide. Now, I understand that the pathway I'm speaking about is very scary. I understand the fear of the unknown is scary as shitbags. But the thing is, if you follow the unknown, sometimes you're able to find lost roads. When you follow those lost roads, you come to a new place. Think about going to a new world each time. Each time you watch a movie or read a book, you are going to a new world (their world); you're experiencing the world that has a new path—your new path is your adventure. But the path that you're about to take is your demise. Is that what you truly want?

Intuition says, “I want you to think clearly about this. I want you to think rationally about this. I want you to think logically about this. I want you to think, think, think, think.” You need to really sit down with yourself and think. If you have to read this over and over and over and over until you're throwing up the words out of your head or whatever, do it. If you have to talk to yourself, talk to your comfort character, talk to your friends, or talk to someone that you trust then do it. If you have to vent to whatever, do it, but with their consent. That's your other problem. You need to respect other people's boundaries. You can't be entitled, you can be entitled to what you want, yeah, but you still have to think about other people's feelings. Be entitled to what you want, like money. Okay, money will come to you no problem, but if you're entitled about someone's feelings, it's not going to come for you. You're just being an asshole.

Intuition also says that “the wheel of fortune is in your hand. You can get the success you desire if you remove the jealousy and get forth what you want,” meaning that you have to do the work that you desire in order to get what you want. You cannot just sabotage your thoughts, sabotage your affirmation, sabotage subliminals, etc. You cannot do that. No. No, honey, you cannot do that. You're being a fucking asshole to yourself, and that's not what you deserve, okay?

Some of you are thinking that if you're a little bit harsh with yourself, you're being a cool person or you're being like everyone else—why do you have to feel like you have to be special? What do you gain from that? There's nothing. Everyone is special in their own ways, and everyone's special not in their own ways. Meaning we have flaws, we have two sides of us but also have many sides—it does not matter because the human mind is complex as it is. We are special in the things that we do and how we love ourselves, but we're not special when we don't love ourselves and we hurt other people. There are different hurts. You can hurt someone who's an asshole to you. There is no place for anyone to judge that because it's your experience, but if you're just hurting and bullying someone just for the fun of it, then you're not special at all. You're pathetic. It's that way, and I know for a fact you're not like that. I know for a fact that you don't understand boundaries because of a disorder that you have. I understand, I do. The thing and the reality is that you have to learn. You can learn by talking to other people, asking questions, looking online, and watching YouTube videos. You have to learn, you cannot disrespect people's boundaries and their feelings. You have to learn you're being unspecial, and I know a lot of you desire to be special, but the wheel of fortune is telling you to follow my path, but that is if you decide to follow it, and maybe if you keep following it and find different lost roads, eventually you'll find what you're looking for.

Intuition tells me that you're losing hope as you read this pac, you're feeling like life has no meaning again, and you're feeling a bit suicidal once more because it's not the answer that you seek. It's the answer that doesn't feel right to you, like everything has to work your way because you're manifesting it.

Intuition says, “I want you to stop manifesting for the things you desire and instead do the work. You're being lazy and unprofessional with yourself. You're being disrespectful to yourself. You can get what you want through manifestation, sure, but you also need to do the work. Because it's not physical work, it's mental work. How can you desire these affirmations that you keep affirming if you're changing your thoughts the next day? Why are you contradicting yourself? If you keep saying that you are successful and then the next day when it does not work and you say you're not successful, how are you supposed to manifest? You can't manifest then. To manifest is to affirm and follow through with your desires.” Meaning, if I were to say that I am successful for one day and then the next day and then the next and the following day and so forth, I will become successful. I will have the mindset of being successful, and I will gain it. But if I were to follow yours and say I'm successful, the next day I wouldn't, and the next day I'd get jealous and say I'm not successful. And then I say successful. Like, nothing's going to happen. There's going to be no momentum. Think of it with drawing. Let's say I’m drawing. And it's the first time I'm drawing. I'm not going to be good at it. I'm not going to be the best. I'm not going to be a beginner with it. I'm just going to make circles. It's going to look wonky. But it's not going to be that same momentum. And then the next day I draw, and then the next day, gradually in a month and a half or so, I'll probably get better; it won't be that wonky, but it's still not gonna be the best for my skills, and that's okay. But if I were to draw and do your method, I'd take a break because I failed. Then the next day, I would get jealous of other people, and then I would do it dry the same day, get angry with myself, and take a break again. That's gonna be the same thing. I'm not gonna gain anything.

Intuition says that, “I know you're triggered, but you must understand this is for your best benefit. You are being triggered for you to understand this world, to understand what you want in this world, and what your purpose is. Your purpose is to love yourself. Everyone's purpose is to love themselves, but they keep seeking other different purposes, and they forget one thing. It's to love themselves.”

You've come to a crossroad where everything I'm saying is very triggering, and you kind of just want to give up. You just want to forget about it, let it go, and make sure that it's something you never read before. You want to erase it out of your mind or whatever. But I'm going to be upfront, and I'm going to be harsh, and I'm not sorry.

If you keep allowing yourself not to feel emotions and allow yourself not to be triggered once in a while, you're going to get this mindset of perfection, and you're going to lose yourself. Each time you look back in your past, you will only see this perfect version of yourself, a fake, a mask, and you will never be able to tell the stories to yourself, to your children, or to whoever. If you keep lying to yourself about who you are right now and assume that you're perfect because of your stupid manifestation affirmations that you cannot even follow, then you are not going to get what you desire. You're not getting your success. You're not getting anything you desire. You have to do the mental work. If everything is about the mindset, then you need to follow through. You don't follow through then you don't get your success. You gotta stop being jealous. It's pathetic. I'm triggering you. I know and I have to trigger you. These are intuition words.

You have to be triggered. You have to be angry. You have to allow yourself to tell yourself that you're fucking scared like crazy. You have to scream at yourself, saying, "I'm scared. I'm so fucking scared. I'm losing hope. I can't handle it. I can't act. I can't wear a mask with other people. I can't say I'm fucking fine. I'm scared." You have to be honest with yourself and if you are not honest with yourself—you will kill yourself.

Is that what you deserve…..?

Pile II.

tw: a mention of suicide and death.

five of cups, six of swords reversed, and three of wands.

Did you recently lose someone who meant the world to you? It could be a child, a child that was not born yet, a family member, or someone you did not know but in a way you feel connected to. And when you lost them, did you feel like hope had no meaning anymore, that if you were to hope again, the same situation would happen? Whenever you think about happiness in your past, do you get stuck in the past? Think that it would have been better if you never met the person, never met your partner, or never met the one who caused you a lot of pain. A lot of you are blaming the person's death for your grief, you have to let it go. It’s not on them that they died. No one has control over their death, not even those who commit suicide. So you have to let it go.

Your heart is so heavy. There's so much emotional baggage. Each time I look at your heart as I try to channel your energy for this reading, I keep seeing shards of glass illuminating, but there is only darkness surrounding it. And each time I try to move around to see the light, maybe in hopes of seeing if there's something more inside the shattered glass heart. But when I open it in my mind, there's nothing but a withered rose. There's so much pain in your heart. And you feel like if you were to love again, if you were to have another child, or if you were to meet someone new, that pain would come to you.

Everyone in this pile is afraid of love and happiness. Not romantic love, but emotional love. When you give your heart to someone each time, it seems like the world puts you at a crossroad and makes you have a decision whether or not to save them or yourself. Meaning, if you were to save them, you would be grieving as you are now. But if you were to save yourself, you would be able to let go of the past and how they are dead now and move on with your life. Moving on with your life does not make you a bad person. It does not make you evil. And it does not mean that you are betraying or abandoning them. It just means that you're doing justice for yourself. And the five of cups wants you to do that. It wants you to let go, let go of the suffering, and allow yourself to feel like it's going to be okay. Because it will. Not only is tarot saying it, but my intuition as well.

When I told you that everything was going to get better, that my tarot and my intuition even said so, ironically, I flipped the card and you got six of swords reversed. And I know that the intention on this card is not the best, but your life is kind of upside down as it is. If you really think about the card and you learn about it, you'll realize that it's giving you a warning. But if you read the energy of the card and you combine it with five of cups, you're gonna see that there is nothing for you to worry about. There's no need for you to cause yourself pain, to allow yourself to drift into worry. You don't have to make a deal with the devil in a metaphorical way. You don't. You just have to let go and allow yourself to heal. Because intuition says this card means a slow healing. And I know that healing takes a long time, but when you heal, you learn that it's okay to let go, to abandon who you once were, and to find someone new. And when you understand that who you are now is who you were meant to be and that if you allow yourself to keep growing as a person, you'll find beautiful flowers already planted in your heart that were never discovered. Because now I see the shattered heart that was illuminating the darkness—there are flowers, pretty flowers growing in the dark. They're protecting the heart, and it's rising up. But the illuminating glass is showing a door out, a pathway for you. So in a comical way, yes, the card is necessarily right in the generalized way, but energy-wise, it just means that you're learning to solely heal as you read this pac.

You're like water in a glass. Sometimes it will rock. If you move it, sometimes it will stay still, and sometimes it'll rock when it stays still. Healing is a slow process. It's exhausting. Sometimes it feels like there's gonna be a lack of progress. Sometimes you have to stand your ground with your inner thoughts. Sometimes your inner thoughts are not your friends, and sometimes your inner thoughts are your friends. You're gonna have to figure out what inner thought is yours and what inner thought is your pain, grief, or traumatic voice.

When I said that tarot and intuition say that everything is going to be okay, the three of wands confirmed it. And it was also when I shuffled my cards, it popped up. It showed up immediately. But when I channeled it, it proved my point and it's gonna prove their point. If you look up the meaning, basically, it literally explains exactly everything that's gonna happen to you. But if you're curious, that is, then look it up. Otherwise, I'll give you a summary. I don't wanna spoil everything for you, because I feel like if I did, it'd be kind of boring for you. So I know you guys are like this spontaneous gremlin that craves excitement for every single thing, and when there are spoilers, you kind of become bummed out, but then you like get yourself back up and boom. It's like you're very moody; you kind of remind me of Bokuto from Haikyuu.

Basically, when you follow this advice, intuition says that you're going to start traveling, not physically but mentally. You're going to travel to different sections of your past, learn lessons, and teach yourself how to be gentle with yourself. You're going to travel to your past and ask yourself what you're seeking. You're going to allow yourself to daydream. Some of you are super realistic, and now you're letting yourself be stuck in your head. Some of you even shamed yourself for being stuck in your head or others, but now you're learning that it's not a bad thing, it's actually a very beautiful thing. All of you are actually going to become self-assured with yourself and have this strong sense of love for yourself. You were so afraid of love for the longest time, and now that you are able to—almost all of you are healing yourself as you read this. It’s like your brain is changing its gears in your mind. The energy right now is so beautiful. I'm really happy for you.

Some of you prayed for this. Some of you seek an answer. Some of you just told yourself this is never going to happen. You're not going to get your answer. Some of you don't even believe in this stuff, and it appeared for you. That's what I'm saying. It's meant for you, and this energy is so beautiful.

The gears in your head are shifting, and you're going to… also for those who are not in a relationship, you’re gonna fall in love with someone so genuine. It's going to feel like a fairy tale; it's gonna feel like Prince Eric from Ariel, but like the best type of way, and you're also going to become like an angel, both metaphorically and not. Meaning that you're going to spread your wings and find your desired job, your desired career, and the things that you actually want to do. You're going to follow through no matter what, you're not even going to look back, but physically you're going to—

Think about that illuminating cracked heart (again) made of heart glass.. there are so many flowers right now it's literally packed, and what I meant by physically is that your energy is like the heart but protected with flowers—that you're gonna have this energy that you're just like so.. you'll be people's angel. Angel on their shoulder. I know that some of you don't believe in angels, but I'm serious. You will be their angel on their shoulder. You're going to become their comfort person. You're going to be comforting. You're going to make people feel safe. You're going to make people feel relaxed. You'll actually change people's lives with the careers that you do. Some of you will also become tarot readers too, or if you're thinking about it, do it. Don't look back. We all start somewhere. If you don't write a lot, that's okay too. If you write a lot, that's okay too. It does not matter. Do it.

But one thing is tarot wants you to understand that when the love comes to you, not romantically, but when the love comes to you, just accept it. You can be scared. You can let the doubt come. It doesn't matter. Just accept it. Say, “I accept.” That's all you have to do. Because it will take the biggest weight off your shoulders. You're still going to worry. But this worry is not a bad thing. Think about the past before you got scared of this stuff. You may have been worried about your job, school, people, how you're gonna talk to someone, homework, an essay coming up, etc., right? But now you're worried about the good things that are happening. Do you see how much of a change that is?