#phineas

All I could see was his mocking face. But I knew he wasn’t mocking me. I knew. Yet I did it anyway. The bark of the tree dug into my feet as thoughts flashed across my mind, thoughts of why, why, why? Why was I standing there, watching him clumsily stumble around? Why did I feel frozen, held back by my own impulsivity, as he helplessly slipped? It was just a reflex, some random impulse, not really my own thoughts. But even as I said it it felt rehearsed. I had wanted to see him falter. What a silly thought, though. I would never intentionally do anything of the sort. As he left my view, a snap, similar to that of a twig, was all I could hear. It made me sick. My stomach lurched as I keeled over, feeling eyes tearing into my body. My best friend…

My own eyes snapped open, and I was back in my dorm. Finny was sleeping just fine in the cot beside mine. A shiver ran through my body as I shakily stood up, feeling my stomach churn with every movement I made. I was about to be sick. I didn’t care how much noise I made as I clambered out of bed and sprinted my way to the bathroom. Nobody could see me like this. They’d all know. Finny would know. My stomach only lurched again as my thoughts raced, pictures of his face, his leg, his weak walk to class… I got to the bathrooms faster than I ever had, and without time to even lock the stall, my stomach twisted and I vomited. My pale fingers shook violently, and I just tried to tighten my grip on the cold, metal toilet. Anything to make me feel like I wasn’t about to pass out. My chest heaved as I sucked in air, cold air, and sweat dripped down my face. It’s fine, I thought. I’m just nervous, is all. None of this would be happening had I not jounced the limb. If Finny hadn’t—

“Gene?” I jumped nearly 10 feet in the air at the sound of Phineas’ voice. “Feeling okay? Dinner was disgusting tonight, I suppose. You woke me up with all your rushing around. Tried to chase you, but with this crutch and stuff—” “For God’s sake, be quiet.” I turned to face him, his face so beautifully framed by the moonlight seeping in through the windows, but it only made me want to throw up again. So I did. “I’m sorry, ugh…” He dropped to the hard, tile floor beside me as I flushed the toilet. He leaned against the smooth wall of the stall we were in. “It’s fine. Hey, you’re really shaking. Are you trying to save your intestines from whatever filth we consumed tonight? That slop could kill anyone.” He tried to look at my face, but I turned away again. Hot tears slid down my face, but I hastily wiped them with my sleeve. When had I even started crying? “Gene, come on.”

“I– Finny–” Talking seemed impossible as I took shaky breaths in an attempt to calm myself down. Before I could even turn to face him, I felt Finny pulling me closer, and I fell against his chest with little resistance. My whole body felt weak as I sobbed, and all I could do was hold onto his shirt to ground myself. Even now, an aura of effortlessness surrounded him. It only made me feel worse. I prayed to God that nobody else would walk into this bathroom. Crying in front of Finny was bad enough.

“It’s fine, Gene. Calm down.” He brought his hand up to the top of my head, and I felt him hesitate before tentatively running his fingers through my hair. It just made me cry more. How? How, after all I’d done to him, could he be this nice? I knew what happened to him was my fault, yet here he was comforting me like I’d done nothing wrong. I had to tell him. “Finny, to- to tell you the truth-” A shudder ran through my body and my stomach flipped again. I couldn’t do it. “I’m fine… just nervous for a test, that’s all.” He hummed and kept combing through my hair while I desperately tried to calm myself down. A test. He really believed me, didn’t he? All this, over a simple test. Coming out of my thoughts, I realized my knuckles had turned white with the death grip I had on the soft fabric of his pajamas, and I quickly let go. He took my hand in his. “I’m sorry.” “It’s fine. Don’t be ridiculous. You really take your studies seriously, huh? Just don’t get your tears on me…” He smirked, probably trying to make me laugh. I gave him a half-smile and wiped my tears. I had stopped shaking, so I figured I should probably get up.

“Sorry,” I practically picked him up to help him to his feet, and grabbed the crutch he had discarded on the floor. My ears picked up a small laugh, probably from Finny, but I ignored it. “You got my shirt all wet, I have to change now.” Finny remarked playfully as he hobbled beside me on the way back to our dorm. “Whatever,” I rolled my eyes to humor him. The brief relief I felt from just crying was phenomenal, as if a 50 pound weight was lifted off my chest. Still though, I knew that I hadn’t told Finny anything, and guilt slowly began to infiltrate my mind once more. Although, maybe it was better this way. If Finny found out, his entire world would be shattered. He trusted me more than anyone, I knew, so maybe I had done the right thing. He could live in bliss while I dealt with the burden for him. Yes, that was it. If he found out, things would be much worse than they already were. The last thing he needs is mental troubles atop his physical ones.

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I took a deep breath before entering the room, trying to make myself look calmer and not like I’d done something so horrible.

I knew it was bad the second the doctor looked at me when I entered. He gave me a kind of look that said “it’s worse than we all thought.”

I walked past the doctor and towards Phineas. Finny.

He seemed tired, having been woken up by the sudden bright lights above him. I stood in the middle of the room, nervous to go closer to him, until he waved me over slightly.

“Look who it is, my own Gene Forrester.” His small smile made my own mouth curl into a smile and stifle a laugh. “Hey, Finny. I haven’t heard anything, how’s the leg?” He shook his head and waved his hand at me. “It hurts. Let’s not talk about that. How’s life at Devon without the star student?” “Well, I’m still there so I’d say it’s going well.” We shared a laugh before he began talking again. “You know I meant me! How’s life at Devon without me?” I shook my head and waved my hand at him. “It’s fine. Let’s not talk about that.”

The room went quite quickly, a mixture of comfort and tension filled the air.

“Look, Finny, I’m really sorry. You know I never meant to hurt you. I’d never even think about hurting you, especially not like this. I-“ “Gene, it’s ok. I know you didn’t break my damn leg. I fell, that’s all it was.” Finny turned to face the ceiling, closing his eyes for a moment.

I looked down at the ground, sitting on a chair next to me. I felt my lip start to quiver and my eyes began to fill with tears.

I could faintly see a tear fall to the ground before I felt a hand on my shoulder. I wiped my eyes and looked up to see Finny looking down at me. He let go of my shoulder, grabbing my hand that was resting on his bed.

“Gene, what’s wrong? What is it?” The image of Finny falling flashed in my mind before I could muster up an answer.

“Fin, I’m sorry. It was all my fault. I moved the branch, in the reason you fell. I’m so sorry. I ruined everything for you, you can’t play sports, you can’t climb the tree, you can’t even walk right now. You should hate me right now, I’m so sorry.” He shook his head back and forth, leaning closer to me as he held one hand to my head. “Gene, don’t say that. It’s not your fault, I was being careless. Maybe you moved the branch, whatever, but I should have been more careful anyway. It was going to happen if you were moving the branch or not. None of this is your fault and I’m going to be fine. And for the record, I would never hate you. I could never dislike you even in the slightest because I love you. I love you, Gene Forrester, I always will no matter how many times you break my leg.” His face suddenly went pale, and I felt my own heat up. “Love me like how you love the tree or how leper loves the idea of joining the military?” “I love you like how a boyfriend loves his boyfriend. That sounded cheesy I’m sorry.”

I shook my head, my tears gone by now. “No, no, it’s not cheesy. I- I love you too, Finny.” He smiled, “alright, don’t get all emotional now. I can’t be feeling all my lovey dovey feelings. Will you go out with me, though? Once I can walk, that is?” I nodded, “yeah. Yeah, Finny, I will.”

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