Art Baker

Baker wants a pet, but he respects life too much to get one he can’t give 100% of his attention to.

Gary Barkovitch

Barkovitch has 2 hens with old lady names like Denise and Meredith. He got them from a breeder, and was very picky, so they’re pretty rare. He bitches about them all the time and acts like he hates them, but he treats them like princesses. He doesn’t baby talk to them, but he definitely talks to them, like, “yeah I heard you, the fountain’s off, you don’t have to shout.”

If you get him in the right mood, he’ll tell you all about their routines and the breeding process.

Ray Garraty

He pet sits for other people, but doesn’t have one himself. He’s not a pet dad, he’s a pet uncle. The type of uncle the parents hate because he gets them the loudest toys.

Hank Olson

Olson’s also a bird dad, but he prefers something smaller, like a budgy with a bulldog-ass name like Spike. He got him impulsively and those first weeks were ROUGH, but after some heavy research (and some scolding from Clementine) he got the hang of it. He’ll play with him sometimes, but they’re pretty much just roommates.

Pete McVries

McVries has an ugly-ass mutt that he rescued. When he found her, he didn’t have the means to take care of her, so he left her, but she kept finding him and wouldn’t leave him alone, so he relented. He spent his childhood in libraries because they were the only place that didn’t kick him out and they always had AC, so he named his dog after Lucy from The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe.

Lucy is very energetic and social, to a fault. She jumps on people and tracks mud everywhere, but McVries is ever the doting father. He started exercising with her to curb this, and found it was a great way to get his aggression out.

He only baby talks when he’s sure there’s no one else around.

Collie Parker

Parker is the king of dog training. He has a lab who’s adorably stupid and an old Saint Bernard. They’re both so well behaved. He got them for practical reasons, but quickly fell in love. If he wasn’t so worried about what other people thought, he’d put them in matching sweaters on Christmas cards. They’re also spoiled. They have their own room and everything.

Richard Harkness

Harkness has a very shy cat named after either a superhero or a pop song. He talks about her all the time, but the others almost don’t believe she’s real because she hides so well when guests are over. He loves annoying his cat. He holds her like a baby and messes with her and meows at her at random times. He doesn’t baby talk, but he does talk overly formal to her. “Excuse me, madam, are you aware that paper towels are not, in fact, food? Can I interest you in Fancy Feasts, instead, my liege?”

Billy Stebbins