Somehow, it doesnāt surprise Yejun, that Heaven is like that. He doesnāt mean to blast on his religious background, but it always felt like Heaven was too good of a place to actually exist. The one he read about in the Bible, where people would be freed from their pain and suffering.
It certainly wasnāt the place Yejun had in mind back in his college days. Truthfully, he had just been more focused on ending it all rather than wherever his soul would go in the aftermath. He sighs, using his other hand now to brush away the hair that has fallen in front of his face. He canāt possibly understand what Sakuto is going through considering being human is all Yejun has ever known.
He can, however, understand the sudden weight that comes with having absolute free choice, It happened to Yejun when he came to live with Harabeoji. Without the rigid structure of academics and extracurricular activities, Yejun didnāt know how to cope back then. āYou havenāt done anything wrong,ā he decides to start with. āIf anything, I should be the one apologizing to you- if I didnāt walk in front of that moving car, you probably still wouldāve been in Heaven.ā The weight of that responsibility suddenly occurs to him and he lets his head drop. āIām sorry.ā
And then he sighs, rolling the muscles in his neck. How long as he been sitting by Sakutoās bedside now? Considering the damage done and doctorās assessment, thereās a good chance Sakuto will be on bed rest for a while too. āYou can stay with me.ā He offers without thinking. For a moment, he blinks, surprised at himself for making the offer. But then decides he doesnāt need to take it back. If Yejun didnāt make the offer, he bets Harabeoji would have. āItās the least I can do for getting you kicked out of Heaven. And as for choices- well, thatās a human life for you. Everythingās about choice for us and for you now too.ā
He gives Sakuto a gentle if not exhausted smile. āDonāt worry too much about that yet though. You should focus on getting better.ā He squints, revising that statement. āOh wait, for starters, you do need a last name. Not sure if angels get last names, but, well you know how it works here.ā
Ā Yejun taking the blame stuns Sakuto into silence. Never, not even for a second, has it occurred to him that he had any fault in this situation. Sakuto was supposed to keep him safe, and that was all there was to it; Yejun, who attracted trouble and pain more times than Sakuto was able to stomach when he was assigned to him, had needed him. And heād been determined, too, to not let him die as long as he was by his side.
Ā Part of him understands it now, the way Yejun had felt in college. The memories flash before Sakutoās eyes for but a moment, and with them comes a wave of fresh tears, hot and burning. He blinks them away. Focus. Focus.
Ā Ā āYamaguchi,ā he whispers, so quiet the word barely reaches his own ears. Sakuto clears his throat.Ā āMy last name is Yamaguchi. We... get to pick one, for emergencies. To blend in if we ever have to. One of my fellow angels was forced to live among his humans for a bit, and since then, weāre allowed to choose identities. Since then, weāre allowed to choose our appearance ourselves, too. To -- to blend in, if we ever have to.ā
Ā He remembers, still, how happy and proud heād been when heād expected his handiwork. This body, designed by himself, beautiful and perfect and desirable, in hopes that somehow, someone would want him.Ā
Ā What is left of that now?
Ā Sakuto sighs, his throat raw from crying, from spending god knows how long simply laying here, unconscious. He gestures for a glass of water, and drinks it greedily when Yejun hands it to him. It doesnāt soothe the way he hoped it would, but it works. For now.Ā āYou didnāt get me kicked out of Heaven, Yejun. Please donāt... donāt think that way.ā Sakuto lowers the empty glass into his lap. The light overhead reflects off of it, blinding him just so. What an odd little sensation.Ā āThat was me. I messed up one too many times. I just... I couldnāt stop myself. I had to let you know there was someone watching over you. After... after everything.ā
Ā His chest fills with lead. Never in his angelic life did he imagine would he entertain these thoughts running through his head, but here he is, in this hospital room with the man heād ached for for years at his side, hooked up to machines and wrapped in gauze and bandages. The laugh that rips from his throat is borderline hysteric, before Sakutoās face crumbles, brows furrowed and lips turned down.Ā āThey couldnāt have chosen a worse punishment than this.ā