#personal shit.

She calls me when we get to lunch. Papa, who’s been in slow decline since a heart surgery that didn’t go great 6-ish years ago, has taken a steep decline. Isn’t eating, can’t really communicate, brown urine, hard time breathing, the whole nine yards. His doctor has confirmed that he most likely won’t last the week.

We go pick up the replacement tv, I have to buy a shirt to wear over there because I ain’t walking into the house wearing a shirt that blatantly says “G A Y” on the front of it because I’m not out to them, and like, just seeing him is all that worse. 

I mean, he’s my Pop. He raised me for the youngest years of my life and I’ve been close to him most of my life. And I’m not sure he even recognized me. That’s what hurts the most. Seeing him like that, but also not seeing recognition in his face when he looked at me. 

Mom’s very down about it, has been spending a few days with my grandparents to help Grams. Grams is--I don’t think she’s processed it. I mean, we all expected him to die about 6 years ago. He was in ICU for weeks. I spent a couple of days in the ICU waiting room. There are posts back in the bowels of this blog about it, because I was on here way back then. But it’s different to know. Not to hope he survives, not to be in the territory of “maybe he’ll make it”. No, he’s in his 80s and he’s survived multiple open heart surgeries and it’s not his heart this time, it’s everything else. They think his liver and kidneys are almost done, he’s fighting to even breathe, he can’t talk, can’t sit up, mostly can’t recognize people. 

Mom says she only told me about it because I was out with Jordan today. The family barely talks to me anymore as-is and I get it, they think they’re sparing me the worry, but I need to know. I’m someone who arms myself with knowledge and prepares myself for what’s to come. I want them to tell me and they say they’ve tried but I get different things from mom and Grams when they do talk to me and I--well, I don’t know what to do, most of the time.

And then Jordan, bless his heart. Part of this family whether or not he wants to be. Best friend of mine for 10+ years and my whole family loves him and he’s here for me now and was here for me 6 years ago. Don’t know what I’d do without him.

pls ignore the bit under the read more, i just need somewhere to rant where they won’t see. i’ll delete in a little while. honestly ignore it. it’s gonna be long, and full of my own drama that you guys don’t need involved with. i just need to rant for my own sanity.