#perimenopausal

I have a feeling it's very clear to most of you that I am not okay.

I cannot seem to save enough to get out of here, I keep getting slammed with issues and distractions. I have a bunch of teeth work to get done, and it won't all be paid by my company. I probably need to start saving for the next hearing aids, I have a fear these ones will be starting to have issues in a few years, or my hearing will get worse and I will need new ones.

My Vayda needs baseline 2K (possibly more as I was informed...) for her dental work, and it has to be done. Like now. So my savings is taking another hit when I was going to be close at the end of Jan maybe mid Feb, now it might not be thill the end of March or April and I cannot stay here any longer. I have to get out. It is one of the biggest things weighing on me every single day.

Hormonally I am out of my mind. Everything is too big. The feelings, the work, the simple act of self care, if it wasn't for the Finch app I would be doing NOTHING. But even the few things I do are either half-assed or not done at all. I cry all the time. Like ALL the time. Over everything and nothing. I'm inspired by everything. I started two short stories in the last 3 months, but I am not really writing, it's just bursts of inspiration that flicker like it was trying to start a fire on the lake. It fizzles like ashes on my tongue, the water washing it away. A burning ash in my mouth, the idea like utter futile crap.

Fuck am I ever horny, I didn't even KNOW you could be this horny, like I get *quivers* in my, well you know. Don't be weird about it, I am uncomfortable enough. But how is just thinking of someone or something, or seeing a face, or thinking an idea OR nothing, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING will knock me on my ass, physically! I moaned OUT FUCKING LOUD in public!!! Thank god most of the people at the xmas party were drunk or not paying attention to me at the moment. GOD THE FUCKING HOT FLASHES?!?!?! Why didn't SOMEONE tell me they would sometimes come with an intense desire for sex??? I have NEVER in my life felt like this. It is so fucking intense. And then seconds later the intensity will die out, or I will laugh at some thought or thing I saw, and I will be okay, but it will come in waves, with no regard to where I am or what I am doing.

The company xmas party was a lot, I made a choice before the party to order room service for a burger. The burger tasted like the best burger ever, so grateful I got it because the food at the company dinner a few hours later was so bad, except the salad, well actually just the dressing, it was amazing, everything else tasted bleh. For most of the night I had one long nonstop hot flash and I was determined to not let it affect me dancing (never mind that I am so out of shape that dancing like that probably looked awful and I should have just sat my fat ass down, because I probably pushed myself too hard) and just grabbed my large hand held fan and fanned myself the entire night. Dancing, fanning, walking, fanning, talking, fanning, peeing, fanning, dancing, fanning. Just all night long fanning. But it was nice, probably my last Banff xmas party with that group (it's a social club we pay into, and I will not be in it after I move to the north) and the view was gorgeous, and I enjoyed the drive. I need to go out there for a week and just be...

Anyways the sobbing, the laughing (trust me it's all the time and it's getting to be too much) and the horniness, it is all perimenopausal and I know I need to get help, I know. I have got to stop distracting and start getting help. But honestly I don't know where to start, or if I even have the energy to start. Or even the drive or motivation.

I am worried about Vayda, that the expenses are just going to get worse and because she is a purebred ragdoll, her lifespan is shorter than most cats, 15 is considered long life. 17 is uncommon. I have only had her for 6 years at the point and honestly, I don't think I am mentally strong enough to lose her right now, thankfully she seems okay but she is mad because she has been mostly a dry food grazer this whole time and now she has these very sore teeth and more than the remaining half that are left, are going to get pulled. So she will be permanently on wet food which is a hell of a lot more expensive and it means I can't leave her for long periods of time. She is so picky. I do have some things I am trying with no luck so far, but luckily this week and hopefully the week after her surgery my work will let me work from home so I can take care of her without worrying about transit and being away from her. She's also been less herself lately, very grumpy and fighting with me a lot. Hiding in her, "I am mad at you" spot. And she has been a bit more aggressive, not breaking skin, but more aggressive in her tail swatting and her wants, like playing and petting she has been extra picky but won't let me know exactly what she wants. which she is normally very good at.

But she is still wanting lots of cuddles and attention so that is good.

Something that has been sort of saving me has been music. I'll be honest, I tapped into the asian world of music and it's pretty amazing, it's got low and high mood ones and I need a little bit more rock but it has been helpful in pulling me out of those dark places. And I have made a few acquaintances along the way, but I keep that light and at a distance. I can barely maintain myself without adding more people to the mix. I just want a bit of help distracting me from these really dark spaces. And it's working, I feel like I am being kept afloat. Like mental health in a song? Loving yourself in a song? Music not only about romance and breakups and sex? (Yes there's some of that too) But like music, in another language and I have to take the time to ask and research what the words are and what they mean, different words together mean different things in another culture. It's been good for me I think. Or at least kept me from drowning.

I have been crying most of the last two weeks, last week I didn't work. I did nothing other than taking Vayda to the vet. And this week I am barely functioning at work. We don't have to work xmas and boxing day, but I work Friday. And then Mon/Tues before end of the year. But I am tired. So tired...

And I just want to stop crying. Over absolutely nothing.

I'm not into Xmas at all this year. I'll try to go for a walk later, go see the lights around here. I should have done it this evening while it was less cold but I'll be fine in it tomorrow.

I'm going to post this it's after 3am and I should sleep. These fucking cramps are gonna be a bitch to sleep through.