#pentecostals

“The Earth is 6,000 years old, Darwin was a liar, and Gregorian chant might be Satanic — depending on the denomination.”

1. 🏛️ TradCaths (Traditional Catholics)

Pretend they’re Vatican I, live like it's 1099

🧠 Think they’re the intellectual elite of fundies

🧎 Hate Protestants more than Satan

👎 Theistic evolution? “Modernist heresy.”

👀 Secretly read Aquinas but ignore anything mystical or universalist

🔥 Love burning heretics (metaphorically... usually)

Main beef: The Enlightenment, guitars in church, Teilhard de Chardin

2. 📖 Evangelical Hyper-Legalists

WWJD = What Would Judge Do?

🧍 Bible tracts in every pocket

🔗 Think grace is a footnote to Leviticus

🎶 Only approve hymns in D minor with no syncopation

😬 Have nightmares about tattoos and secular college

Main beef: Dancing, Harry Potter, women who wear pants

3. 🔥💃 Holy Spirit-Obsessed Pentecostals

Every lunch break = surprise exorcism

👅 Glossolalia or you're going to Sheol

🐍 May or may not handle snakes

🎧 Metal is demonic, but Hillsong is doctrine

💨 Holy Spirit blamed for every emotion from yawning to seizures

Main beef: Silence, reason, liturgy

4. 🌿📅 SDA Extremists (Seventh-day Adventists)

Your calendar is evil.

🚫 Bacon = mark of the beast

📼 Still mad at the Pope for 1844

🛏️ Think Sunday worship = joining Mystery Babylon™

💼 Dress like the apocalypse is a job interview

Main beef: Breakfast sausage, Christmas, the Council of Nicaea

5. 🇮🇱⛪ "Non-Denom" Zionists (but Also Weirdly Antisemitic)

Support Israel like it’s a video game faction, but still blame Jews for everything

🕍 Obsessed with rebuilding the Temple

🧠 Read Revelation like a military manual

🎤 Sermons sound like end-time Twitter rants

😡 Think all criticism of their pastor = Jezebel spirit

Main beef: Palestinians, nuance, critical thinking

6. 🧂 Baptist Fundamentalists

Still fighting the Scopes Trial

🦖 Dinosaurs lived on the ark — period.

📚 KJV or leave

💄 Makeup is Jezebel's toolkit

🏊 Full immersion or eternal damnation

Main beef: Dancing, alcohol, Catholics, fun

7. 🧊 Lutheran Ultrafundies (Scandi Edition)

Frozen Chosen with a twist of xenophobia

🇸🇪 Worship style: Grim hymns and grim politics

🧱 Think Jesus was white, blond, and carried a Norse axe

⚔️ “Christian Europe” revivalists with YouTube militias

😬 Miss the Crusades but make it Lutheran

Main beef: Muslims, globalism, being told they’re Protestant

8. 📿 Edgy American Orthodox Converts

“It’s not fundamentalism, it’s tradition.”

🕯️ Venerate icons and Vladimir Putin

📜 Read the Church Fathers selectively

🇺🇸 Still vote like Southern Baptists

🐐 Think Calvinism = Satanic, but support monarchy and anti-modernism

Main beef: Catholicism, Protestants, skateboards, pronouns

🧠 Final Thought:

They all say "We’re not like the other fundies", but then all end with:

Random internet people thinking I'm a bad person just because I don't boost the shit I'm told to is not something I should worry about. Of course it's based on my prior religious experiences, though. First largely from the Pentecostals in foster hell, and then Nanny. The worst part of it is that it's also tied to appeals to faith. It's much harder to heal from when it's part of the religious trauma in the first place.

So now I have this awful knee-jerk reaction to requests to boost something in general. It's getting better with good faith requests, since I am working on my ability to discern based on evidence and trust others. But the more urgent the situation or request, the flightier I feel. And that's just the honest, good faith requests to boost something.

Honestly, the point of making this post is that I know this is a problem, but I'm working on it. It's really hard to retrain your mind as an adult to not see every single request as a life-or-death, moral demand. It got to a point where it frequently induced my avoidance of whatever it was about or wherever it was. It's absolutely miserable.

According to the Pentecostal Church, it is. Only biblical vehicles, ladies!