#pdx 101

angst ; 0.84k ; gender neutral

♡ ༄

♡ ༄

dear darling ♡ son dongpyo

♡ ༄

Days ticked by one by one, each felt longer than the last, and as those days passed, the boy grew more and more worrying. As each day went by he became merely a shell of what he once was. He was no longer himself.

He was never the quiet type, much the opposite. He was once animated, talkative, and a smiley boy, that was gone. Lost in the flurry of feelings created by a tragedy, he rarely talked. The people who surrounded him could do nothing but watch as he withdrew from his former self, that wasn’t Dongpyo.

Time had passed, and he could only smile sadly at his thoughts. Anecdotes of the two of you overflowed his head, the heartbreaking view of the boy letting his tears fall as he laughed was enough to make even the toughest cry, he didn’t know what to do anymore. Each day he could only ponder the what if’s racing through his head,

“What would be different?” A whole lot a would be different.

♡ ༄

The sixth month came, and he couldn’t forget. He was haunted, tormented, by the endless memories of you both, he couldn’t sleep, not in the slightest. At nights when he’d lay down with intentions to sleep he was met with dark sleepless hours. Each hour went by slowly, the dark room provided a scarily empty atmosphere. In that dark room all that developed were dark thoughts.

Darkness, that’s all he saw. Darkness, that’s all he felt.

As the hours passed, his thoughts only worsened. He turned helplessly, he longed sleep, for just one second he wished he could stop thinking of you. Then when reality hit, everything hurt more. He didn’t long for sleep, he wanted you. Deep down in his heart there was only one thing he truly wanted, to see you again. To see you laugh, smile, blink; to feel a hug, just anything, from you. He let himself cry just this once, he let himself be enveloped in his endless thoughts of you. He wanted one thing he couldn’t have, and that was you.

As each night passed they shared one constant, thoughts of you.

♡ ༄

Another six months passed, making it a year since you had passed. Dongpyo was still lost, without you he was directionless, but with time he had somewhat been able to bring himself back to life. The night you had died, a part of him died along side you, but as he sat at his desk writing away a final letter to you he found himself going down a place he hadn’t been down in a while. A place that formerly brought him pain, now provided him with a sense of comfort.

Thinking back at memories of you both used to bring a suffocating feeling of heartache. Each formerly joyous memory hurt more than the last. At a year since you had passed he now looked back at his memories and could rest peacefully knowing one thing, you knew he loved you.

Maybe that was enough for him.

♡ ༄

Dear darling, it’s been a while.

I miss you a lot more than I want to admit, but it’s getting better. How are you? I hope you’re doing well, because that’s all you’ve ever deserved. Life without you is so dull. Everything seems so empty here. Days have all kind of blurred together, and the past year is one big chunk of time I don’t really remember. I promise I’m getting better Y/N, I know you wouldn’t have wanted me to be sad about it forever. It’s just hard without you.

Seungwoo and the others have been so protective of me since last year, I can’t go an hour alone without having someone checking in on me. It’s nice though, being alone hasn’t done me any well in the past year, having their company makes everything a lot more bearable. Dohyun has grown so much, it’s kind of scary how tall he is, I’ve grown a little bit too! You always said I’d grow a bit more, you were always right with those kinda of things.

My grades in school have gotten better, I promised you the last time we talked I’d study harder, and I didn’t break my promise this time. I miss talking to you Y/N, your voice always made me feel better. I still look through all the pictures I have of you sometimes, you seem to get prettier every time I look back at them. I had my first birthday without you back in September, it was so weird not hearing you sing happy birthday for the first time, you were always the loudest when singing.

Wherever you are Y/N, please remember how much you mattered to me. How much you mattered to everyone. Please remember how much you will always matter to me, because you always will. I love you Y/N. I want to be at peace with the fact you’re gone, so I can live happily, for you.

With love,

Son Dongpyo ♡

word count : 1.37k

song rec : the unknown guest ༄ dean

i wasn’t originally planning to write something for christmas as i know many people don’t celebrate, but what can i say i couldn’t help myself! (i wrote this on a whim sorry if it’s bad lmaooo)

while i should’ve spent this time working on chapter five (coming soon) i needed to do this for myself, cause gabby misses eunsang :,)

hope you enjoy!

༄

The air was cold against my skin, my fingertips grew icy at the feeling of the low temperature against my hands, I smiled anyways at the sight that laid just before me.

What a wonderful surprise.

༄

Christmas time. While many don’t celebrate, and others just seems to dislike the time, many feel joyful, many feel a sense of relaxation around this time of year. I was not one of them. Every Christmas seemed the same to me. It got cold outside, we got a break from school, and I’d see bundles of happy families walking around the streets, people shopping for presents, carolers roaming houses, packed stores. It was odd. I wanted it to bring joy, to spark some feeling in my chest, but it never did.

Walking down the town center brought back memories I had tried to compress, but as always they came back at full force. I exhaled a sigh that came out merely as a cloud of fog before my face, the warmth of my body fading as I had come to a halt, I’d never seen him here. I looked at the boy in wonder, something about him made me smile, he looked at me and returned the smile, a kind reminder that I must’ve been staring. I walked last him and notice his red finger tips, the tip of his red nose, the pale skin the seemed much lighter in the cold, I couldn’t help it.

“Would you like my hot pack? You must need it more than I do.”

I took out my hot pack and placed it into his slightly outstretched hand, I watched as his eyes widened as a sudden rush of warmth coursed through his body, “Thank you! My name is Eunsang.”

I sent him a smile back, a sudden heat coursing through my face as I stared at his lovely smile, “My name is Y/N.” I stuck my hand out of my pockets to shake it briefly before turning to walk away. As I walked away I seemed to have found a sort of joy coming from the interaction, maybe it was the spirit of giving, maybe it wasn’t, but whatever it was, I loved it. That was for sure.

༄

“Eunsang you need to be more careful!” I gently placed the bandaid against the side of his finger and watched as he flinched, I smiled softly at him, then wrapped the adhesive parts of the bandaid around his finger. He looked up at me and gave me a bashful smile, “I wanted to make us food!”

I only smiled at the pure caring nature behind his clumsy acts, he stood up once again and turned back to where he had been previously, “You can supervise me but I’m still making us food! You can’t stop me Y/N!” I grew shy at the cute way he said that, my cheeks flushing then instantly going back to how they were as I placed my frigid fingertips to poke at my cheeks. No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t fight back the small laugh that came as he began to cut the food, his pace now comically slow.

I ruffled his hair and watched him as he chopped slowly, a shy smile still present on my face as I stared at my best friend. Call me crazy, but I wasn’t so sure if I looked at Eunsang the way most people look at their best friend. At every corner you could see me staring at him for just a bit longer than I should’ve, thinking about him during the late night when I just couldn’t sleep, only to be surprised by the sudden text from the boy who just knew I’d be awake.

It was odd wasn’t it?

༄

“What do you want for Christmas?” His wide grin seemed to never leave his face as his hand held onto mine in the pocket of his large sweater. I played off the red on my cheeks as the cold, but my problem was white the opposite. I gripped at his hand a little tighter, the heat of the hot pack between our hands sending a wonderful chill up my spine, “I’d love anything you’d get me.”

“Really?” I nodded, then averted my gaze just down the road to see a small patch of grass by a short tree, surrounding the tree was a wide area of houses brightly lit up by colorful bright strings of lights, it seemed so lonely, so void of anything colorful, it was almost unsettling. In an area so colorful, so lit up, so joyful, rested an area of total darkness that didn’t match the rest of it. Eunsang noted your wandering eyes, and made a mental note, one to which you weren’t aware of. “Guess I’m buying you a burrito blanket.”

༄

“You actually bought me a burrito blanket!” I stared at my computer screen in shock, a semi blurry video of Eunsang stared back at me, he giggled at my surprised as I pulled out the large circular blanket, “It’s so soft!” I looked through the rest of the gifts and smiled, a tiny teddy bear in a raincoat and hat, my favorite snacks, and a small little drawing.

“Well do you like it?”

“I love it!”

“Really?”

I nodded excitedly pulling the blanket up to my cheek and holding it there, the soft fabric up against my skin making he laugh at the ridiculousness of the gift, “There’s actually another thing for your gift, but you have to go outside to see it. I promise it’s not far, just down the road.”

The call ended abruptly leaving me in a very dimly lit room, I pulled myself away from the blanket and stood up stretching. My hands pulled on another sweater and I quickly tip toed down the stairs leaving the sleeping figures of my parents laid across the sofa in ways that would certainly lead to aches. I quickly pulled on my shoes and stepped outside, with only my clothes and my phone I walked down the road.

The lights seemed brighter tonight, brighter than they’d ever been. I walked down the sidewalk anxiously, my hands balled into fists beneath the large cozy fabric of my sweater, they felt light warm, yet freezing at once. I looked up and saw light sprinklings of snow begin to fall and smiled, as I came towards the end of the road I squinted while looking in the direction of the short tree that now stood decorated and bright, but beneath the tree was the person I couldn’t seem to get off of my mind, Eunsang.

It was in an instant that I began running towards him, smiling as my body came into contact with his, he held me close against him and I felt my heart flutter and an odd sense of warmth fill my body. His cold hands held mine, but they began to grow warm. I looked at the tree excitedly, the tree now gleaming brightly just like the rest of the road just behind me, his cold hand caressed my face gently and he placed a big kiss to my forehead and looked down at me,

“I know I said I was moving, but did you really think I’d leave you alone on Christmas?”

“I guess I kinda knew you wouldn’t.”

༄

I stared at the brightly lit tree, it was his tradition. Every Christmas he’d come and decorate the tree, and we’d play in the snow, except now it was all different.

Christmas time used to be a time of loneliness, a time I’d spend watching people be happy with their loved ones, a time I had grown to dislike. Now it more closely mirrored what I used to watch, spending night with Eunsang baking cookies, cuddling to movies, and playing in the snow, it was odd wasn’t it?

Wasn’t it odd how a tree down the road and a hot pack could change everything?

The air was cold against my skin, my fingertips grew icy at the feeling of the low temperature against my hands, I smiled anyways at the sight that laid just before me.

“Which bear do you want to get?”

“That one really looks like Judy!”

He laughed softly as he picked up the the shape of the stuffed animal, “They look so weird without being fluffed.” I laughed gently grabbing the arm and moving it, our laughter getting louder as the rest of it’s body flopped along.

“Do you want to get this one, or another one?”

He examined the dog before turning around, and staring straight at a light brown bear, it’s fur was soft, and his eyes turned to look at mine, sparkling at the sight of the bear. I ruffled his hair, heading to the bin to lift up it’s limp body and hold it, his hand came to hold it too and he nodded, “This one.” I nodded, “This is the one.”

We walked towards the stuffing station, greeted by an abnormally joyful woman, “Are you ready to stuff your friend?” We nodded in unison, I picked up a small red heart from the clear container that stood besides the woman, she smiled as she took the bear from Hyunbin, who then stepped back, “Soft, medium, or hard?”

“Soft!”

“Alright, now take that heart and rub it between your hands, get it beating!” I watched Hyunbin laugh as I shyly rubbed the heart, the woman laughing slightly at my clear embarrassment, “Now both of you! Close your eyes and think of your wishes!” His eyes widened prompting me to laugh, I shut my eyes and felt Hyunbin’s hand fall over mine, a silent, ‘I’m actually doing this’ falling from his mouth.

I opened my eyes as he did and handed the heart to the woman to stuffed it inside the plush bear, “Now give it a hug to make sure your friend is just right!” She handed it to me, I lightly squeezed it to my chest before passing it to Hyunbin who hugged it as well. “Well? How is it?”

“Perfect,” he smiled shyly as he saw small children running around choosing their own bears. While walking away he and I began to laugh, “Y/N that might’ve been one of the most embarrassing moments of my life.”

“Well it’s over now, let’s dress our bear!”

We walked around aimlessly, looking for clothes, Hyunbin picked up a small grey beanie and handed it to me, “Can we please buy this for our bear?” I grinned and picked up a yellow coat, “Only if we get this too.”

“Deal.”

As the rain sounds only got louder from the outside he smiled, then picked up red rain boots, and laughed, “She needs these!” I giggled, carrying the bear as Hyunbin followed closely behind me carrying the clothing items we had chosen for him.

“You know who he remind me of?”

Our eyes met, and instantly I knew we were thinking the same thing, “Paddington.” He nodded excitedly, “We should name our bear Marmalade!” I nodded, leaving Marmalade say in my lap as I typed it’s name into the computer. The keys clicked loudly, and Hyunbin stared, “Last name?”

“Let’s go with Moon. It’s cuter, Marmalade Moon!” His lips turned up into a smile, “Birthday, 11/17/19. Fur, light brown. Eyes, dark brown. Belongs to, Hyunbin & Y/N.”

He laughed as he took my free hand when I stood up, “Okay maybe this wasn’t that bad.”

༄

We sat outside on a bench near the mall food court, Hyunbin and I were eagerly taking off the packaging for the clothing. First the coat, then the boots, and finally the beanie.

“Marmalade Moon is now complete!” I giggled excitedly, I felt lips land onto my cheek and I smiled softly, “I told you that you’d get over it!”

“Yeah, yeah, you were right. Marmalade is so cute, I love her.”

🌼🖤🐻

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