#pcyg

I've decided to change his name in my phone to Orange Moon. It's a song by erykah badu. It's one of my favorite songs and it reminds me of him. You should all take a listen to it. It's slow, but very beautiful and relaxing. In so many ways, I am his orange moon and he is my orange moon. We both have a personality like the sun (in different ways) where no one really understands how we operate, except eachother. So, like the moon, we can absorb the light coming from one another and reflect it in a beautiful way. We become each others orange moons. It's beautiful. Corny, but beautiful.

I'm trying so hard to not say anything. I am getting in trouble for things I did not do. I am getting in trouble for not saying anything. I am getting in trouble for saying things. no matter what I do, I am getting in trouble. And the crippling fear of having nowhere to go if I get kicked out is enough to make me breakdown. Like, how can you criticize me at every turn and then expect me to act like I don't or shouldn't have have a voice. And then you hold money over my head because you know I don't make enough to live on my own and that I have nowhere to stay. She legit told me that my opinion does not matter. What? Who tells their child that? Even if I am in my 20s, who tells people that unless you're actually trying to bring them down? And then she told the story as if I was the one saying that to her. I cant. I need a better job and an apartment like yesterday.

Damn... he's so... stupid. If he only knew how willing I was/am to be a freak just for him. JUST FOR HIM. Damn. Damn. DAMN. Like how do you not see that? I feel like I make myself so easy to love. So easy to get along with. So receptive, patiently waiting for him to just do it. Put a label on it. Say you love me. And nothing. Silence. *sigh* I hate this time of year. Something about the end of January leading up to valentines day that just makes me feel inadequate. And it's not that I have poor self image, it's just the fucking truth. I'm a straight woman in her twenties. I enjoy a man's presence and of course I'm gonna feel some type of way when everyone around me, gay or straight, has someone to be with at night, and here I am in a queen size bed with no king to share it with. And it's not even just a sex thing. Like, I wanna be there for him and support him. I want him to be able to call me at two in the morning because he misses me or needs to talk to me. I wanna be the first thing he thinks about. I'm tired of being the second choice. Hell, sometimes I'm the last resort! I wanna be first. I deserve to be put first. Fucking valentines day shit. Fuck this shit. I don't hate on people in relationships, but sometimes I wanna be able to say 'we' instead of 'i', feel me?

He said next time for sure. I read into things too much. but he said next time for sure. my head is about to explode. I want a title. I want to meet his friends and family. I want him to come have dinner with my family. I wanna go on double dates. I wanna do cute things and give him cute gifts for Christmas. I just wanna be with him, in its entirety. and I'll take all the bad with the good, because I know people hate to acknowledge it. we can argue over dumb things, get jealous about friends that are too friendly, give eachother the side eye and then kiss it out. I want pillow fights and feeding eachother. I want late night phone calls. I want him to tell me he loves me, because if he tells me that, then maybe I can finally come to terms with the fact that I may be falling for him.

We had sex. I'm such a weak human being. the plan was wait around, curse him out, go home. What happened was him apologizing, me getting mad, us having make up sex. I hate myself sometimes (but I feel great lol). I mean, he has wonderful ways of apologizing. ..

Literally outside of a dudes apartment and he isn't home. So now I'm waiting at the steps of his place so that he can meet me here and I feel so fucking stupid. Like I haven't felt this dumb in a long time. I'm here in a skater skirt and thigh highs for this motherfucker and he can't even meet me at the time HE asked me to come. Like why the fuck do I do this to myself? I'm such a patient person and I'm really gentle with ppl I care about. This is the first guy I've ever wanted to be with to the point where I am this patient. It takes two hours to get to his place. Two. Hours. and bus fare, a ferry ride, a forty minute train ride, the works. But I do it because I feel like our relationship can go somewhere but can it really? It's almost a year and there is no title, nothing special going on, I can't even introduce him as my bf. Maybe I'm just playing myself. You can't turn a fling into a relationship. I should just go home. I also feel like I should wait around just to tell him off THEN go home. Idk. I'm upset right now. We had a good thing going, why he gotta act like like a fuckboi now? Dafuq.