One character that will probably leave a mark is Paul Grayson. I was inspired to write my thoughts about him and what was in the series by recent behind-the-scenes photos of this wonderful series (人 •͈ᴗ•͈).
Well...Paul Grayson is obsessed with his company, the brainchild he created. And I think it’s appropriate to ask him this question: “Can there be something that surpasses life itself? Can there be something more precious than the meaning of life itself?” I recently watched a film with Jessica Lange, where she played a theater actress who devoted her entire life to the theater. And for her, the theater was more important than her own life; the theater was her whole being and that which gives the desire to be in this world. I think this applies to Paul as well.
This role of Ben is definitely one of the most powerful in its emotional intensity. Paul's bipolar disorder also plays a huge role. And the way Ben was able to portray this spectrum of behavior—from a mild tic to a breakdown—was amazing (｡♡‿♡｡)! And I was struck by the scene where he was left alone with Claire after the unsuccessful "meeting" with the French sponsor. That very moment where the chicks were squeaking and it got on Paul's nerves. One thing piled up on another - stress, loss of all hope for sponsorship - and here you go: another breakdown. And when he threw out the little birds and then became so calm, it was goosebumps. Gender feels like both a threat and an attraction. It's like an emotional roller coaster, what we call "the carrot and the stick" - simply put, it's like in abusive relationships.
If we take psychology into account, I noticed that Paul has a very strong neurotic need for love (if you’re interested, this phenomenon was studied by Karen Horney). Some of the signs include: a desire for everyone to love you; cruelty and aggression when rejected. Usually, such people can't even put a name to love; for them, it's something inexplicable. Some people believe that there is no love at all because they may have encountered very traumatic events from the past. And as we all know (thanks to Uncle Freud), all problems stem from childhood. And Paul's was terrible - a lack of parental love, obvious neglect (and if I remember correctly, they paid others for Paul to stay with another family). And voila! We have a very traumatized person who is destroying themselves from within. I think Paul would really like to experience "love", sincere love, but it is difficult to give up the way of life that has become ingrained in him.
However, based on the plot of the series, I still think that Paul could have had this very “love” - with Jeffrey. All that is known about him is that he and Paul created a company together and were partners (and I'm sure lovers too). And judging by Paul's emotional reaction when he came to his grave, it is clear that he was very, very dear to him.
But let's return to "neurotic love." The first thing I wrote about was the desire to receive love from everyone. For Paul: the desire to be the center of the lives of those around him. He craves attention, he craves praise (God, I'm so sad, because one can assume that this is compensation for the lack of love from childhood). Now I see in Paul that same little boy who wants parental attention and care. Now let's remember the Thanksgiving scene when he asked where Claire was (as if no one should have a personal life, but only a life for him).
(This look is too hot ( ꈍᴗꈍ)...)
The second thing I wrote about was cruelty and aggression during rejection. Usually this reaction arises from the guardianship of being abandoned, because it means loneliness and emptiness. So it becomes clearer why Paul threatened to tell Claire everything about her past. So don't fall for Paul's sly grin! Beneath that mask lies a frightened boy who doesn't want to lose anything precious. You can also take the most brutal scene, where Paul was furious and forced the troupe to dance until they were exhausted (you can hear: "You traitors! You betrayed me!"). And what was his jealousy towards his troupe because of Tony Cannava. But I can comprehend, understand why this happened: you have a whole group of people who are simultaneously afraid of you and want to show you their potential, I want your attention, you are literally God for them, and then someone else comes along and you lose all that attention and power (Paul, I understand you, I'm jealous of my friend's other friends sometimes...).
(Very emotional (ﾉﾟ0ﾟ)ﾉ)
Paul also pushes away people from himself, those who love and appreciate him. I won't talk specifically about the troupe, because in many cases, they could have slept with Paul for profit? For example, Kira. Or Trey (yes, I know he didn't sleep with Paul, but at some points he was insistent on intimacy). Take that Mexican guy Paul had a relationship with. On Paul's part, it was just a casual affair with no real love behind it. For that guy (sorry, I forgot his name) - it might have been something like love and a desire for something more. He saw Paul, his inner world, he tried to get closer to Paul at times, but he pushed him away (I wonder why? Perhaps the fear of becoming vulnerable?). It hurts me when all this comes to the surface. That's what means Ben played the character so well...ಥ‿ಥ
Claire and Paul's relationship deserves a separate post because there are so many interesting moments. But I think I read somewhere in an article that Paul saw himself in Claire (I'm really trying to find the resemblance). But back to my point—could Claire have made Paul think about something? Could she have influenced him, even just a little, in some way? I'm sure season two could have revealed more about this (and even more about Jeffrey, because I'm crazy curious about their shared history). I would also like to know the story of Paul's past as a dancer (I don't have enough fragmentary memories). But back to Claire and Paul - I'm almost sure he would have shared his story with her and told her something in more detail.
(Here I forgot how to breathe...)
We usually project our problems, fears, and demands onto other. Paul can be so harsh on the cast that it gives you goosebumps. But that doesn't change the fact that he can be Cruel to oneself. Autoaggression, which perhaps manifests itself in thoughts? Those very same depressive episodes after the manic energy subsides? I imagine a lonely, sad and quiet evening where Paul lies in the dark and looks somewhere thoughtfully.I wonder if, in moments like these, he was thinking about his childhood, his difficult youth, or about how he felt apathetic in a place where he had recently been literally a king?
God, how I love this sweet and damaged boy. I wish I could hug Paul and tell him he is loved and that he doesn't need to prove himself to others to stay close. (づ￣ ³￣)づ
P.S. These are just my thoughts. If anything was mentioned in the articles (like about Jeffrey and other details), I'd be very happy if you shared it with me. Because this series is very deep, but it's not finished...(｡ŏ﹏ŏ)
