#partofme

He is magic for so many reasons. Here’s one of many memories he helped create.

I entered the room with him and while I noticed there was something on the bed, my mind didn’t give it much thought. That was until he called my attention to it. My eyes focused and my memory recalled him telling me he had purchased it. Ohhhh damn! A Sybian. My curiosity rose. Would my body be able to handle such intensity? Vibes just have never been my thing. My clit goes from “this could be fun” to “ditch this POS as I’m now numb and orgasm will never happen” within a few minutes of using a vibe. And yes, I’ve tried different vibes and different placements. Thinking about how the frequency of the vibration of the Sybian could be quite different from many hand-held vibes I had hope I’d have an orgasm. Maybe even two if I was lucky.

So what is it called when you’re beyond lucky? Definitely more than two orgasms. Really fun orgasms. I remember Sir standing near the bed, controller in hand, as I reached for him. My body was a bundle of nerves that just felt fucking amazing as more orgasms had me holding him tighter. Touching and being that close heightened the experience. More than that, it was knowing he was studying the reactions he could elicit. There’s this amazing feeling about the way he studies me. I feel seen, vulnerable, cherished, and worthy of effort.

The last several months have broken me a bit as more and more information comes out about the victims and survivors of Epstein. Seeing how hard many have worked to keep the information from being released, seeing how some twist their minds to continue to believe it is a hoax as the evidence to counter that grew and grew, well there’s days I couldn’t help but let the tears flow. Sadness and frustration in knowing this society has supported what has happened in many ways and continues to do so. Hearing survivors describe the fear they went through as they were threatened brought on a lot of tears and rage because I know that fear.

The crisp air and yummy apple treats are some of my favorites when it comes to autumn. The leaves turning color and falling creates its own beauty. Halloween excitement growing as pumpkins and costumes need to be selected soon.

The scene above can be delightful for many people. I’ve always just tolerated it. Yes, I love seeing the vibrant colors the leaves can turn. The way the sunlight flows through the trees when it’s not the noon hour has never been my favorite while being in a car. The sudden bursts of bright light can be blinding. Not something I enjoy. The changes in light don’t help when you’re easily susceptible to motion sickness. Yes, this is a year round thing I don’t enjoy but it’s worse in the fall. I couldn’t pinpoint why. Several days ago my brain put it altogether for me. Years later, my brain finally says, “Hey, of course you really don’t like that. It’s associated with the dread of knowing what waited at the end of that drive.”

Women are speaking out about the abuse they endured as children. I hear them. I believe them. Compassion and empathy are easy to give. As these stories are shared please be sure to provide kindness to yourself if you are also a survivor of such trauma. I feel my gut twist as I read things that remind me of the person who abused me. I remind myself I’m safe and that it’s okay to take the time to process through the feelings I’m having. It’s okay to be mad and to want to fucking burn it all down.