My Dad’s Shadow: Why I Can’t Commit to Marriage

His Approval, My Prison TL;DR: My dad is incredibly successful and has always been the center of my world. I’ve realized I'm subconsciously comparing ...

Empower Yourself with "I Hate My Parents" by Meera Mandakini

In the tumultuous journey of adolescence, many teenagers find themselves grappling with the weighty decision of whether to follow their own path or succumb to the expectations imposed upon them by their parents. For some, this internal struggle can lead to feelings of resentment and frustration towards their parents, who may seem to exert undue influence over every aspect of their lives, from career choices to matters of the heart.

In my book, "I Hate My Parents," I delve into this complex and sensitive topic, offering insights and guidance to those who find themselves caught in the throes of parental interference. While I may not be able to address each reader's unique circumstances personally, I have endeavored to provide thoughtful and practical advice that can help navigate the challenges of familial expectations.

The aim of this book is not to foster animosity towards parents, but rather to foster mutual understanding and respect between parents and children. However, I recognize that achieving such harmony may be easier said than done in some cases. Hence, I offer solutions to this pressing issue with the utmost sincerity and empathy, always mindful of the delicate balance between individual autonomy and familial bonds.

I urge readers to approach this book with an open and receptive mind, allowing themselves to reflect on their own situations and discern what course of action is best for them. Ultimately, my goal is to empower young people to assert their independence while maintaining healthy relationships with their parents.

If you find yourself grappling with similar challenges, I invite you to explore the pages of "I Hate My Parents" available on Amazon. Together, let us embark on a journey of self-discovery and empowerment.

Warm regards, Meera Mandakini

As I turned to look towards the future -my future to be exact- I saw all of my doors close. Everything I'd ever dreamed of being; a dancer, an artist, an actress... all of those dreams were shut down by words like 'your not good enough' and 'maybe you should try something different'. Words that are perceived as simple to most but can seem so harsh to a teenager who is looking forward to living a successful life. I have been chased down by monsters that would make a normal persons skin crawl. Monsters that keep me up at night scared to sleep in case something happens to me or the people I love. Monsters that make touch and loud noises impossibly painful. People of all ages experience these monsters but those who have never experienced these monsters can't possibly understand. For teenagers these monsters are increased tenfold through pressures put on them by uncaring governments and overbearing parents who care too much.

So many have lost their lives because they saw no way out, because no gave them the support they needed and as such, a new door opened for me. I know I'm not good enough and I know that my mother does not want me to go through the door I have made. Rather than going through a pre-made door that has been chosen for me, I choose to create my own. No one else, not even the monsters can make me choose my future. This is my generation, my future and I refuse to be told how to live my own life by people who live in the past.

BACKGROUND

Mine is a typical story — that of a first-generation Asian immigrant. My parents told me my goal in life was to go to an Ivy League college and get into one of three careers: doctor, lawyer, or engineer. Eventually, I did get a Masters in Medicine and became a PA (Physician Assistant). I had grown up in a fourth-generation Christian home, and even had an uncle who was a missionary in Burma whom I visited in high school. That’s where God started planting the seeds in my heart to go into missions. I knew that’s what I wanted to do: to go and help the poor.

When I finished my degree, I graduated into the “adult” world and worked for the next two years. But I really felt God had called me to do something more. Interestingly, what gave me a kick-start was reading some of Bono’s books. One of his books said something like, “What are you Christians doing for your brothers and sisters dying on a dark continent?” And that made me start to question. I had a great privilege to grow up and get an education in the U.S. I wasn’t married and I didn’t have a family to take care of yet. There was nothing holding me back. And I knew I had to go.

BREAKING IT TO THE PARENTS

That’s when my troubles started. My parents had always known that I was Christian, went to youth group, and was the picture perfect kid who stayed out of trouble. And that worked with us as a Christian family. But once I told them my plans, all the claws started coming out. I had to tell my mom that all the sacrifices she had made for me were about to be thrown away, and that I wanted to live my life for the broken. I tried to tell her that even though I valued the education and advantages she had provided me, I had chosen a different path. I broke it to them the best way I could, but it was World War III in my home at the time. There were guilt trips like, “we didn’t come to America just so you could go to Africa,” and “we love you — but we’re not proud of you.”

But I knew in my heart that God had called me to be a missionary. I had to do what God called me to do because I was an adult. And that means we’re responsible for our own life and calling. I didn’t want to turn out a depressed 60 year-old who hated my parents for not letting me follow my calling — because in the end, whose fault would it be? It would be mine. When we’re standing before God, and He asks us, “What did you do with the talents I gave you?” You can’t say, “Well, my mom and dad told me not to.” It’s our responsibility and ours alone.

UNDERSTANDING THE PARENTS

That’s the biggest thing I want to encourage people with. If God has really called us to do something, then following it is not “rebellion”, and we shouldn’t act as if it is. Instead, it’s a growing up process for Christians.

We have to remember that for many Asian Americans, our parents grew up post-war, which meant poverty and suffering. They remember how people couldn’t eat well or how they struggled to survive. The reason they came to America was to give their children a better life and education. So it’s completely understandable that they never want poverty again for their children.

A second thing to remember is that our culture is naturally based in Confucianism, which focuses on blood ties and sacrifice for harmony. Our parents’ dream is to want the best for us, but unfortunately, it’s ancestral-based and not kingdom-based.

For me, I tried everything. I did what they asked and became successful. But financial success didn’t bring happiness to me. I had tried to appease my parents by finding value in provision, safety, security, blessing, the American dream, etc., but in the end, the only happiness I could find was by walking in the destiny God had planned for me.

BREAKTHROUGH

Right now, I live by faith. By God’s blessing, for seven years now, I’ve never had to ask for money. I have some churches that support me with family and friends. I’ve been able to do everything I’ve wanted and more. In many ways, that value system — safety and security — God has become that for me.

Since I’ve started working in ministry, I’ve worked in Hong Kong with drug addicts, and triad members, helping out with Jackie Pullinger’s ministry. In 2005, I worked with Heidi Baker’s ministries in Mozambique, starting a medical clinic. I’m currently based in Taiwan at a non-profit called Iris Taiwan, and our heart is to work with the poor. Outside of that, I also reach out to the first class in Taiwan through parachurch ministries. There’s also work with Iris Bangkok, a mission community dealing with sex trafficking and child prostitution in Thailand, as well as IRIS Relief which is an international disaster relief organization based in America. We send aid to major disaster areas around the world, such as the tsunami crisis in Japan and to the horn of Africa with the biggest famine in 60 years, along with aid to Somalia, Thailand, flooded areas, etc.

When I left, my parents reluctantly gave in. My mom took care of my bank records. When checks and money came in, she deposited them into my U.S. bank account. Initially, we argued when she pushed for me to ask her Taiwanese church for money, and I said that I would only rely on God for providence. She was very worried. But for seven to eight years now, she consistently sees all the checks and money coming in and how God takes care of me. My parents are about to retire now, and they told me, “Yonnie, I see the God that you follow and I know now that He provides for you. We see that what you do is infectious and we hope that one day when we retire, we can do the same thing as you.” It was amazing.

I think a whole different world is out there as we step into what God has planned for us. It’s the craziest thing when you realize that the absolute safest place to be, even if you’re in a danger zone like Afghanistan or Somalia, is in the will of God.

KINGDOM CULTURE VS. ANCESTRAL CULTURE

Confucianism has such value but its strength in the Asian community is hard to reconcile with kingdom values. It takes great faith and knowing that you’re loved and that you’re okay by God to start on this journey, because this journey will shake your values — and that in itself doesn’t match with Confucianism.

In Asian ancestral culture, honor means that the parents give their lives to their children, and in doing so, the children become their “property”. So the kids grow up and live for their parents and take care of them as they grow older. Therefore we have to do what our parents tell us or we’re not being honorable. It becomes a cycle of sacrifice, from parent to child.

But in kingdom culture, the parents are the caretakers of the children — and God is the real dad. We grow to do the will of the Father. So when we honor our parents, we acknowledge that we turn our hearts toward them and appreciate them. But we also realize the dreams that God gave us. To honor our parents is to value our relationship, saying, “I have to follow God’s calling. I know you may be disappointed, but thank you for raising me up and sacrificing for me — I will still honor you.” We’re not free to reject them because of their faults, but we keep seeking to uncover and recognize what is good in them.

AFTERMATH WITH PARENTS

It’s been a hard road. A lot of forgiveness and prayer needed to take place before God. I had to make peace with myself and my parents. Of course I loved them, but it was hard to be around them with all the tension. Fortunately, as we enter into our young adult years, our relationships with our parents start to change. We recognize that our relationships with them as adults are different than as children. Now, I’m able to introduce my parents to things that I’ve experienced and relationally, they’re a joy to be with.

A breakthrough moment was when I was ordained as a pastor. My parents came to Taiwan and my mom prayed for me in front of the crowd, saying “Yonnie, I’ve always been the mom who’s been holding your kite strings and making sure you’re okay while you’re flying all over the world. But I’ve been holding those strings close and keeping you back. Today, I want to give the other end of the string to Jesus. I trust that Jesus will take care of you much better than I can and I want to see you fly higher.” That was a huge blessing for me before man and God — it was such a healing moment. To have that journey come full circle and see my parents love me through it and understand — that’s something that I wish and pray for every Asian American who is starting to think about that journey.

“TEMET NOSCE” – KNOW THYSELF

Believe me when I say that this journey will rock your identity in every way. The enemy will be out to misdirect you, cause doubt and insecurity, guilt-trip and shame you. But if you go into the mission field without knowing who you are or you go seeking approval, you can and will be taken out easily. You can burn out and never return to the mission field again. However, as long as you’re assured in your identity and love as a son or daughter in Christ, the enemy can’t win. We have to remember that our identity is not judged by what we do, in God’s eyes.

Let’s say that I continued my PA job with a family, house, dog, and children. God would still love me just the same as if I did non-stop mission work. My identity is not what I do and if I didn’t do mission work, that wouldn’t make me a bad person. We can’t do more or less missions to gain or lose God’s love. So to be secure in our godly identity and not our works, is important and frankly, almost an antithesis of the Confucian culture most of us grew up in.

That leads to a very personal topic for me. As children, my brother and I lived to work for our parents’ love. We would get on honor roll and look forward to our parents being proud of us. It got to the point where my brother started showing depression symptoms in high school. He was a gentle type of person who loved music, whereas my dad was a typical Asian disciplinarian type who expected him to play sports and be manly.

Even when we grew to adult age, he still struggled with depression. By his early 30s, he was on his way to becoming one of the top psychotherapists in NYC, had an amazing girlfriend who was (somehow) both a pharmacist and lawyer at the same time, and they were a power couple. I also did pretty well in a medical career. But the truth is, we wanted our parents’ love and approval by showing them how well we performed.

But my brother never really felt love or approval from my dad. And at the age of 33, because of his depression, he killed himself. He was such a perfectionist, that the failure of not gaining his father’s approval was too much.

But on my brother’s suicide note, he kept on writing, “I’m a child of God. I’m a child of God.” over and over again. And that is why knowing ourselves and being assured in our identity in Christ is so important. Knowing that we are a child of God is important because if we don’t know who we are, the enemy will tell us who we are. In my brother’s last days, this concept was so real to him. He fought to know who he was and now the same thing reflects in me. I fought to realize who I was and thank God I didn’t lose my life over it.

A SIMPLE ANSWER

Love never fails. Although separating and individualizing from parents’ expectations is such a challenging season for us all to walk through, it is such a blessing to have an intimate experiential relationship with the living God. As the whispered word of God pours love and affirmation into our hearts by seeking and relying only on what we hear God saying to us, we can be equipped with resiliency and patience for the parent’s disappointed dreams.

In the end, the issue here is love and realizing the meaning of the words “I love you.” We need to remember that our parents love us and we shouldn’t forget to reassure them of our love, even in times of arguments and hurts. It doesn’t hurt to let them know that we love them, not just because of their sacrifices but because of who they are. We can be armed with love, so even if we feel guilt-tripped or manipulated, we can return to, “Mom. Dad. I love you — and I trust that my heavenly Dad will also take good care of me.”

Article by Yonnie Cheng: