#panzermensch

You were sure, Eric didn’t want to tell you that, to not make you worry, but knowing the possible consequences, you decided to be extra careful around him, so no one would get any suspicions.

You really envied Ven and Liz, who were able to just openly walk around, hand in hand. They kissed in the pit, were playful with each other and very obviously in love, while Eric, of course, had to treat you like any other initiate when you weren’t alone.

Four had sent you and Ross into the ring, during one of the afternoon trainings, which had come to quite a surprise to everyone, as he was usually not one to just throw people together who obviously wanted to kill each other at any given moment – that was Eric’s job. With all the mental training of the recent days, though, you managed to keep yourself in check, constrain your anger and not lose control, when you beat Ross into the ground, stopping yourself before going too far.

Eric let his mask slip for a mere second, as he watched the fight, awarding you with a proud nod, when you stepped off the mat.

You were not entirely sure what kind of problem Four suddenly seemed to have with you, as he had never shown any significant emotion towards you before, but after he gave you another glare when the fight was over, you were sure that something was going on.

Maybe it was time to talk to Eric about it. He knew Four, and he had his own beef with the other instructor. Maybe.. maybe Four had noticed something.

The next morning, all of you were woken up as usually: by a metal pipe being banged against the metal railing of the stairs, leading down to the dorms. But instead of Four, who usually woke everyone, it was Eric.

“Alright, listen up.” He said, looking almost bored, as he looked down at all of you.

You sat up, running a hand over your head, looking up with a light frown at the other man.

“Today is a special day. Your families will have the ability to visit you.” he paused. “Of course there is a good chance they don’t want to see you, so don’t get your hopes up. And remember.. Faction before blood.” With that, Eric turned around and left, while around you people started to immediately talk amongst each other.

You let yourself drop back onto your cot with a sigh. You didn’t even consider your parents coming to visit you. Not after you had lied to them about the aptitude test, and had chosen Dauntless, without even looking back at them. Frankly, you thought they were probably glad to finally be rid of you, the embarrassing son who could not keep his temper, and that they were unable to control.

On the other side.. that meant that you had the day off. The day to yourself, in the dorms, relaxing on your cot, and maybe getting around to read that sci-fi book that you had found in the library, ‘Roadside Picknick’. Something told you that it was probably another one of Eric’s additions.

You and the other initiates got ready, heading to breakfast, where the excited and also a bit nervous mood was very obvious. Your friends were all quite excited, but gladly knew better than to ask you about your own feelings.

After breakfast, you headed back to the dorms – alone – grabbing a tablet and a bottle of water, making yourself comfortable on your bed, and started to read. You were quickly lost in the book, following the conversation of two scientists talking about a ‘Zone’, when you were pulled out of your thoughts by footsteps on the stairs.

You looked up, spotting Eric, dressed in his usual combat trousers and vest combination, tilting his head at you when he saw you lying there on your cot.

“What are you doing down here?” He asked, jumping down the last step, and walking over to you.

“Reading.” You simply said, putting your tablet down on your bedside table, sitting up a bit. “Don’t really feel like watching other people’s family reunions, to be honest.” You joked, but pursed your lips when Eric’s face remained serious. He came to a halt in front of you.

“Your parents are here.” He said, his blue eyes mustering your face for a reaction.

A high pitched sound, like a tinnitus, was in your ear, cold sweat on your hands. You were not quite sure what you felt.

Surprise?

Anger?

Disappointment?

Confusion?

Maybe all of that together in a horrible soup of emotions that was impossible to detangle.

“You don’t have to see them, if you don’t want to. But I thought I should tell you that there is the option.” Eric frowned, mustering you with concern in his eyes. He clearly noticed how you tensed up, how colour had drained from your face.

Also.. Eric had seen your fear landscape, multiple times at this point. He had seen almost first hand how your parents had treated you.. how they had locked you up in a sterile, small room, like a rabid animal. The rest.. you had told him about.

You chewed the inside of your cheek, eyes unfocused on your bedding, as you tried to consider your options. On one hand, you never, ever wanted to see them again, after everything they had done to you. On the other hand.. and that was maybe a petty part of you.. you kind of wanted to make them see how you’ve blossomed since coming to Dauntless, outside of their influence, and how you had found a place for yourself to be who you wanted to be.

It was silent for a while, a long while. Eric was patient, waiting for you to make up your mind, for making a choice.

“No, I’m.. I’m going to meet them. “You finally said, standing up, and pulling your shirt over your head, turning to where you kept your clothes. You were not quite sure what you were looking for, but you wanted to look.. intimidating. Impressive.

Eric raised an eyebrow, taking a step back to give you some room.

“You sure?” He asked.

You were indeed not sure. Not at all. But you had made a decision, and you didn’t want to rethink your choices.

“Either I manage to restrain my anger, which will be a great exercise, or I will end up punching my dad in the face. All in all, a win-win situation, don’t you think?”

You pulled a tight shirt over your head, together with a mean looking vest that showed off your muscular arms and your new tattoos, turning around to see Eric smirk at you.

“Not really surprised to hear you say that.” he chuckled. “Come on, let’s go.”

You managed to overplay your growing nervousness on the way with cockiness, causing Eric to chuckle and shake his head a few times, but when you finally reached the pit.. it felt as if there were ice cold stones in your stomach.

You spotted them immediately.

Dressed sharply in blue, tense expression on their faces, as they looked around, clearly uncomfortable. Your parents looked down on most of the other factions, but Dauntless – in their opinion – was filled with brute idiots who were no better than a pack of apes.

You clenched your jaw, but felt Eric’s hand squeeze your shoulder for a moment, giving you enough strength to take a deep breath and head down the metal stairs with a confident looking step.

It didn’t take long for your parents to notice you, and they turned around, watching you come towards them. You could see your mother mustering you with something akin to shock in her eyes, as she clutched her handbag and pressed her lips together.

You knew you had changed a lot in the past weeks. Your hair, your muscles, the tattoos and piercings, your scars.. all that together with the black faction clothes, instead of sharp blue, and the new confidence Dauntless had made you feel, made you appear like a completely different person.

Eric also descended the stairs behind you, keeping a distance to let you talk to your parents on your own. You were not quite sure if that was really reassuring, but you made sure that your face didn’t give away any sign of your insecurity.

“Hey.” You said as you reached them, casually putting your hands into the pockets of your combat trousers. You tilted your head at the two people in front of you, mustering them from top to bottom, before you continued to speak. “Didn’t expect you to come, to be honest.”

“Oh, Y/N.. [if you have chosen a different name at the beginning, they are using the old one]” Your mother managed to bring out, her voice strained. She shook her head. “You.. you look so different, we.. we were worried about you, we-”

“Bullshit.” Now it was you, who shook his head. “You were worried about how it looked to the other families. Your only son, defecting to the brainless faction. I know how it is.” You tilted your head to the other side.

In a way.. this was freeing. There were no consequences now, nothing they could do to you. You could – for the first time ever – just say exactly what you were thinking.

Your mother pursed her lips, not denying what you had said. She looked over at your father for a moment, for help. But he looked just as overwhelmed as she did.

“You..” She looked back at you, her hands fidgeting with each other. “You told us your aptitude test said Erudite..”

“Yea, well, I lied. To get you off my back.” You raised the corner of your mouth for a moment, seeing their shocked faces. “Half expected you to lock me in for good, if you would get the smallest hint that I would try and leave.”

“Y/N!” Your mother exclaimed again, taking a step forwards. “With all your reading, we just hoped-”

“Why are you here?” You interrupted them, feeling the familiar anger rising inside of you, even though you tried your best to sound bored and unbothered.

You didn’t want to show them, that you still got angry, that you were still struggling with that part of you. You wanted them to see how much you had blossomed here at Dauntless.

But then again.. and that was the anger speaking.. part of you didn’t care, and would not mind punching them.

“We just wanted to see how you were holding up, son..” Your father spoke up, earning a raised eyebrow from you.

“He’s holding up great.” A voice behind you caused your parents’ attention to shift, as Eric came up next to you with a charming smirk. He was tall and intimidating, and even though the smirk, still used his appearance to his full advantage. “One of our top ten in the ranking. Best shot too. We are very happy with him, he’ll go far.”

“And you are..?” Your mother asked with confusion, looking from you to Eric and back, taking a step back again.

“I’m one of the leaders, here at Dauntless. And Y/N’s instructor. Eric.” Eric said, crossing his arms.

The demeanour of your parents changed in an instant, as they realised that the man in front of them – however young he was – was a person that they had to respect. Even if they didn’t think much of Dauntless, a leader was a leader.

“Eric is right, I’m doing great.” You smirked.

With him at your side, facing your parents, confidence flooded through your system. Even though you could not show that you were together, you felt like a ‘power-couple’.

“Not being locked up and treated like an animal, you know? Does wonders, really.” You could not hold back and add.

The level of embarrassment on your parents’ face after you said that caused a surge of satisfaction to run through you. Finally. Finally you could speak your mind. It was such an incredible feeling, so..freeing. That must’ve been what Candor people felt like all the time, and you had to admit, you kind of envied them for it. Especially after all the secrecy of Erudite, where no one was supposed to know what went on behind closed doors.

“’Faction before blood’ is a really neat concept, isn’t it?” You smirked. “I would say ‘thanks for dropping by’, but that would be a lie, because I’d rather liked you wouldn’t have come.”

You let out a sigh, having to look away, as their expressions had grown a bit too much for you to handle. You didn’t want to feel bad for them – they deserved every mean word out of your mouth, and more. You let your walls wander through the Pit, the place that had grown so familiar to you over the past weeks. The stone, the concrete, the metal.. it was comforting, it was home. It gave you a feeling of safety and security, just as the man next to you.

“But anything to ease your minds, eh?” You continued, looking back. “As you can see, I am happy. Very happy. I am finally where I belong, and I am finally far away from you, which is ideal. Optimum est.”

The Latin words brought tears into your mother’s eyes, and this time it was her, who had to look away.

“Son..” Your father started, but you just waved him off.

“No, thanks.” You shook your head, not interested in hearing an excuse, a justification, or even an apology. It was too late for all of that now. “Have a nice rest of your day.”

And with that, you turned around, swaggering back through the Pit towards where you had come from, feeling as if a massive weight had been taken off your shoulders, that you had not even been aware of carrying. Your heart was rapidly beating in your chest, and you could hear the blood rush through your ears, and it was that moment that you actually grew aware how stressful the whole situation had been.

You kept walking, not looking back, your mind playing the confrontation over and over again. You were pulled out of your thoughts halfway back to the dorms, when Eric caught up with you.

His hand was on your shoulder, turning you around to him, and you felt some of the tension finally leave your body.

“Well, that was..” Eric started, but stopped himself, as if he was not sure what to say.

“That felt.. strangely amazing. Shitty, but also amazing.” Your brought out, an unintentional laugh leaving your throat, and you were not quite sure what caused it. Nervousness? Relief? Delayed panic? Maybe all of those. You went through quite the assortment of emotional cocktails today.

“I think you handled it well.” Eric smiled softly, squeezing your shoulder. “This could’ve gone much worse.”

“Thanks..” You smirked back, rolling your shoulders. You felt like working out until your mind was quiet. “It feels.. good. Baggage lost. Baggage that.. I kind of should have known was there, but.. I didn’t realise how much was actually there.” You tried to word it.

“I know, it is.. it gives you closure..” Eric’s voice made you look up at him, mustering his face.

“Did.. your parents..?” You were not sure what you were even trying to ask him.

“They also came, yes. To see how I was doing. I didn’t tell them either that I was going to defect, so it was.. it gave me the opportunity to show them that it was the right thing, the right choice, and that this was where I belong.” It seemed to you as if Eric had never talked about this with anyone before, as the words came out slowly, hesitantly.

“Were they.. angry?” You asked, tilting your head. Eric was.. strong. He was the one to push you, to hold you up when you were failing, when you were on the ground, so seeing him.. almost vulnerable right now was something entirely new to you.

Eric nodded slowly. His hand moved from your shoulder to your upper arm, and he pulled you along, instead of going to the dorms – like you had intended – pulling you into a different direction, that you by now knew would lead to his apartment.

You let him, not fighting it, understanding that this conversation didn’t need any people drop by, by chance. Also, the thought of sitting on Eric’s soft sofa, instead of your uncomfortable cot, was also a nice bonus.

After some minutes you arrived, and Eric opened the door, letting you in.

The apartment didn’t feel.. familiar, as of yet. It wasn’t as strange to be here as it had been the first time, but still, it was a rare occasion. You sat down on the sofa, while Eric grabbed some water from the fridge, before joining you.

“My parents.. were very.. ambitious.” Eric said, sitting down and taking a sip from his water. “We were.. five generations of continuous Erudite members on my father’s side, which.. as you know is quite the prestigious thing.”

You nodded, well aware of that. Family lines like that had a good chance of being important people in the faction, with a legacy of successful scientists and good connections.

“My parents had already planned it all out. Wanted me to go into chemistry, to work on more serums. Kind of a family thing too.” Eric sighed. “I always knew, I wasn’t really that passionate about shit like that but.. I thought that is maybe something you grow into. But then the aptitude test told me I’m Dauntless, so..” he bit his lower lip. “I knew I would disappoint them.”

You mustered Eric, never having seen him this.. vulnerable. It was new to you.

“But you still transferred.” You said, as he didn’t speak on.

“Yea, of course.” Eric huffed. “Don’t want to waste my life doing chemistry shit, when I can be here.”

You had to laugh, as Eric was back to his normal self.

“When they came to visit, they were furious. Telling me how embarrassing it was that I went to the idiots at Dauntless, and all that bullshit.” Eric continued. “But then I told them that I was number two in the ranking. That I was considered a good candidate for leadership. That I had found my purpose here. That I would have ended up a shitty scientist, bringing them even more embarrassment.” He paused, taking another sip of his water.

“What did they say?” You asked, tilting your head.

“They.. understood.” Eric said, chuckling. “And now they had something to brag at home about, that their son was going to be a big thing in Dauntless. It gave them closure, just as it gave it to me.”

The two of you were quite for a moment, just sitting there, both a bit lost in memories. You, of what had happened just a few minutes ago, and Eric in his own last meeting with his parents.

You were.. glad that Eric was also an Erudite transfer. It meant that he understood you on a level that Ven or Orion never could.

You mustered his face again, the pale eyes, the strong features, the dark piercings. The tattoos on his neck. You could not really imagine how he would have looked like before, in Erudite, probably a lot less muscular, and dressed in all blue.

paraphilias / fetishes include but are not limited to:

thanatophilia / necrophilia. emetophilia / vomit. snuff / gore / torture. intoxication / addiction. rape / incest / ageplay. dubcon / noncon. medical kink / iatrikophilia. sadism / masochism. hierophilia / blasphemy. dacryphilia / degradation. corruption / power imbalance / abuse of power. abuse / manipulation. autoassinophilia / suicide. erotophonophilia / murder. knives / rifles / guns. objectification / age gaps. strangulation.