#pannic attack

As the game continued, James didn’t move. No one seemed to realize he had never gotten up until Sirius down the ice shouted for him to try and pass but then realized his line mate was no where in sight. His eyes scanned the rink quickly and found James. He shouted for a time out, making Remus look up to see what was wrong and following Sirius’ gaze to a hyperventilating James.

Remus hopped the bench and got to James, motioning everyone to stay back. “Pots?” He asked quietly, so not to spook him. “Pots, can you hear me?”

A moment passed and there was no other response that a gasp from James; it sounded as if he were holding back sobs.

“James, hey, listen to me. You need to breathe. Are you hurt?”

Again, no response.

“James,” Remus reached out a tentative hand and placed it on his shoulder. “What hurts? What’s going on? Talk to me, James.”

Another gasp as a sob escaped him. “Harry.” Was all he could manage to get out.

“What about Harry? He’s home. Lily said he was doing good this morning.”

“What- what if he- doesn’t get better? He’s not sleeping.”

“He will. He is. He’s going to be just fine. Have you been sleeping?”

“But. I need to be there for him. And what if I get hurt- Then what happens to them?” He gasped out.

“You’ll be fine. James, just breathe for me okay?”

“But if I’m not there for them…”

“James. No. Stop thinking like that. Breathe.”

“I can’t. I can’t stop thinking. There so much that could happen. If I lose them-”

“James.” Remus’ voice was more firm now.

“What’s happening? Why won’t it stop?!”

“James. You’re having a panic attack. Breathe with me, alright. Just listen to my voice and try not to think. I’m right here. Harry and Lily are just fine. They’re home, doing well. Lily texted me at the start of practice a picture of Harry finally down for a nap.” Remus reached into his pocket to bring out his phone, pulling up the picture and holding it out to James. “See? Sleeping, happy as can be.”

James slowly looked up, left hand reaching out to gently take the phone from Remus. His right hand moved to slowly trace his fingers over the image a Harry asleep in his crib, not a hour earlier. “He’s gonna be okay?” was all he managed to rasp out.

“Yes. He’ll be just fine. So will you, just try to take deep breaths.” Remus moved his hand slightly down James’ shoulder to start to pull away but James reached across is body with his right arm to catch Remus’ hand and hold it to his shoulder. The touch seemed to help ground him, so Remus gave his shoulder a squeeze and didn’t lighten up.

After another minute, James breathing returned to normal and he looked absolutely exhausted. This close, Remus noticed the dark circles under his eyes, a staple of most newborn parents.

“Let’s get you up, yeah? Take a walk to the PT room.” Remus suggested.

James only nodded and Remus motioned for Sirius to come over and help him get the drained man to his feet. Sirius offered a hand to both of them, pulling them both up at the same time. He instinctively moved to put an arm around James, who swayed a little, and helped him off the ice with Remus just behind them.

“Fuck. Is this… Is this what you went through?”

Sirius gave him a puzzled look, then understood. His first year or so with the Lions. When he first became friends with James, rooming with him on the road. He’s seen some of it. And what Dumo must’ve shared with him later on.

Softly, Sirius answered, “Oui.” It was all he could manage to say.

“How did you get through this? On your own?”

“Some days I really don’t know. The Lions, you guys helped. Dumo. You.”

“You never let me help you.”

“But you did. You just didn’t realize it. You where there. You became more than my teammate. Like a brother to me.” Sirius was still talking softly as he let James into the locker room and into the PT room where he sat him down on the exam table.

“Get some rest, mon frère. You’re exhausted, that’s probably what caused it.”

“He’s right. You need to sleep.” Remus spoke for the first time since on the ice.

“You two sound like Lily.”

“Smart woman, that one. She said to “have a sleepover at Cap’s house” tonight and get some sleep before we leave for the roadie in a couple days.” Remus said, tucking his phone back into his pocket finally.

“When did she say that? What about her? She can’t take care of Harry all by herself and-”

“She said it just now. I texted her. You can swing by home and drop me off while you grab some things to head over to our house. Though she most definitely CAN take care of Harry, I’ll give her a hand. By the looks of you, she could probably use some rest too.”

“But-”

“No buts.” Sirius stated as he pushed James down to a lying position on the table. “Rest a bit, practice will be over soon anyway.” He turned to head towards the door.

“I-”

“Nope. Don’t want to hear it.” Remus sing-songed.

“WAIT. Have you two ever… uh, here?” He pointed meekly at the table.

“REST.” They both said, walking out the door and blushing a bit.

“Ugggh.” James said, dropping his head back to the table.

By the time the team started to file into the locker room after practice, Remus snuck into the PT room to find James fast asleep. He closed the door as he left and told the team to keep it down for a bit. That mostly worked. About 15 minutes later, it started to get a little rowdy with banter and James emerged rubbing his eyes from the PT room. He silently moved to strip out of his remaining gear that he hadn’t already taken off and take a rather long shower. By the time he was done, he’d barely spoken two words to anyone out of pure tiredness and found the only people left were Sirius and Remus waiting for him in the lounge.

They headed out together and while Sirius drove home to get the guest bedroom made up, phoning Reg to get a start on finding the spare sheets, James drove Remus back to his where he was greeted by hugs and kisses at the door by both Lily and Harry. It took a bit for him to get his stuff and head out, with Lily having to practically shove him out the door while Remus held a once again sleeping Harry in the living room.

After a night spent reluctantly away from his little family, James had to admit he did feel loads better after a full night’s sleep. It was the first time he had experienced that in, well, two months. Lily, though still woken by Harry’s cries, was ushered back to bed by Remus who insisted on staying up with him to let her get some rest as well…

“But- do you know-”

“Lily. You’ve met Jules, right? My much younger little brother? Who do you think watched him? I got this. Just lie down. I’ll come get you if I need something.”

“If you need anything-”