#panda rambles

This is probably gonna sound very stupid, but seeing just how many people hate/genuinely think that Oystein was a terrible person who deserved what happened to him because of the lies people spread just… honestly it hurts.

And it’s frustrating because every time I wanna say something to defend him or correct people, I stop myself because I know people are just gonna insult me or say that the information I got is fake just because I’m newer to the scene, or just say I’m a Lords Of Chaos fangirl, cause Varg’s dumbass got his dickriders believing it’s “just a propaganda film.”

I won’t deny, LOC is my gulity pleasure movie, but I have been well aware of the mayhem story for a LONG time. Singer killed himself, he and the guitarist “hated each other,” etc etc, the surface level stuff I’m pretty sure everyone now thinks is common knowledge. LOC was just my final push for diving deeper and giving the music a chance lol. And I’m glad I did.

Back to the topic— people also believe that just because Hellhammer and Nercobutcber were there, that their word is fact and everyone else who says anything are liars. To which… are you fucking stupid???

The other two people apart of this story are DEAD. They can’t defend themselves or say anything if they wanted to. Meaning ANYONE CAN SAY ANYTHING. And Jorn and Jan know that. Like if people actually bothered to do some research and not just take the word of egotistical old guys, you’d be very fucking surprised.

Cause then you’d know that Pelle hated Hellhammers guts, that Oystein was trying to find out where the closest hospitals were in case Pelle cut himself too bad on stage, or that Necrobutcher wasn’t the one that had tried to blunt Pelle’s knife before that one show! In fact, when Pelle hurt himself, everyone EXCEPT Nerobutcher cared!

I think it’s been even stated (I forget where atm ahhh) that Oystein would sleep on the floor by Pelle’s bed to make sure he didn’t hurt himself. Like??? Does that sound like someone who hated their vocalist and encouraged him to hurt himself???

AND NO. For the love of god, Oystein didn’t have anything to do with Dawn Of The Black Hearts! He was DEAD by the time it came out! (It came out in 1995, TWO YEARS after his death!) Therefore he didn’t have a say if that photo of Pelle was used or not! If anything, ya’ll should be side eyeing Hellhammer. Cause the minute he gets Mayhem back together, that album comes out.

I’m not here to say that Oystein was a pure little angel, he did questionable things. But he wasn’t an evil piece of shit that people keep wanting to portray him as. Honestly I just feel bad for him. Like imagine you die, and then all the people you THOUGHT were your friends start talking shit about you and forgiving/being buddy buddy with the guy that MURDERED YOU (cough cough Fenriz COUGH).

But now:

- I check if the far right are in town - they are

- I check where and when they are congregating - its on route

Which means I need to sanitise myself, make sure I'm not wearing anything trans identifying, make sure I play as cis as possible.

After all, I've already had two run ins with far right nut jobs because I'm trans. I see them out in the main street with their sandwiched boards and megaphones. I skulk past on the way to my doctor's or the pharmacy. Make myself small while my blood boils.

So I figure I better pack my poker face, remove the pins from my bag, wear baggy clothes. Remind myself I'm recovering from major surgery. I can't afford to find myself in an altercation or the centre of scrutiny.

Instead of getting ready I lie on my bed, staring at my ceiling wondering why I've fallen back into my pre-op malaise. I assume its something I must be doing wrong, that I must be not appreciating my privilege in accessing care to not be bouncing off the walls.

feel free to use it as needed heres the link!!