#paintedbright

Lovie the beetle

now i’m trying not to pass out from jetlag so i’m not up all night cause i have work tomorrow.

Bye bye for now Miami (/ _ ; )ノ

June 2014 Nagano, Japan

1. For the last week I've felt like I'm in a dream world. Not all the time, but enough that it is becoming a problem. I feel out of touch with reality. I am lying in bed, but it doesn't feel like me. The medical term is depersonalization & it's supposedly a normal defense mechanism against anxiety and stress, but it feels like what I image being dead must feel like. It's incredibly frightening. My brain feels separate from my body in a way that it shouldn't. I can't sleep. I have always been prone to identity crises because I am so easily influenced by others & my environment, but this doesn't feel the same. I know who I am, but I don't quite feel real. My body isn't functioning well. My period didn't come. I have heartburn almost everyday & acid comes into my throat when I'm laying down. I just want to feel better. I want to reset myself & reset my feelings about Japan that have gone from such admiration to almost complete disgust, but I don't know if that's even possible. 2. My internal relationship with Japan mirrors my relationship with Yasu in that both have been emotionally destructive. It may be strange to compare a relationship with a person to a relationship with a place, but I placed both on such high pedestals from the start that any ugliness that revealed itself to me felt like a personal attack, a betrayal, even though I was wrong to expect perfection. At the same time, both respond(ed) to my emotional distress and weakness with nothing but condescension & more isolation. Yasu would ignore me when I cried & sit brooding silently. Crying on the train or on the street in Tokyo brings nothing but angry glares & wide-eyed stares. Silence. Nothing but silence. I tried & tried to fix my relationship with Yasu & I always blamed myself for our problems, even though I know now we just weren't suitable for each other & he wasn't good for me. I remember feeling similar feelings to how I'm feeling now when I first realized I wasn't in love with him anymore. Or more accurately, when I realized that loving him wasn't good for me. Still, I wonder if I could have molded myself to suit him better. I still long for what we had in the beginning, but the person who he was then & the person I was then don't exist anymore. Now I'm trying to mold myself to make me feel okay about living in Japan for longer even though it hurts me mentally to be here. I'm trying to make myself fall in love with Japan again in the same way I tried to keep my relationship with Yasu together when I realized it was falling apart. I'm trying to bring back the self I was when I loved Japan, which is the same self I was when I loved Yasu. It's not going to work. But is it me or is it this place? I cannot go backwards. If I'm going to repair the way I feel about Japan, it must be in a new way. I need to find new things this place can offer me. But I'm so tired. So tired. So tired. I can't sleep.