#outofcandy

So, straight up I guess I’m not doing well. Mentally or emotionally I guess. This morning at work I have two anxiety attacks, like having to walk away from my work and sit in the bathroom just breathing to calm myself down and not break down into tears, and was holding one off until I got off work and got home. Luckily that one did not happen but it was close and I think it’s only because I live alone I managed it. These aren’t the first anxiety attacks I’ve had in the last couple weeks but it is the first time I’ve had two, almost three, in less then eight hours.

I’ve narrowed it down to a couple reasons why my anxiety has been dialed up to 11 for the past two weeks. 

One is the net neutrality. I don’t know if anyone knows this fully about me but I am not an extroverted person, at all. Most of the time I stay home because the thought of dealing with crowds of people, of strangers, by myself is exhausting and I just avoid it. I can do it but if it’s not a necessity I generally... don’t. So 90% of my friendships and interactions are online and the thought of losing them potentially and being basically alone I guess has been fucking with me since before Thanksgiving. All the posts on my dash, while well intended and have helped me do things to try and fight it, have not helped. I’m doing all my anxiety makes me capable of doing and all the reminders of what I could lose just-- I can’t handle it.

Two is work. I’m one of the only full-timers and these last two weeks we’ve last three of our eleven cut people, so we’re down to six or seven including myself right now. One was transferred to another department, one quit unexpected and one stopped showing up after being caught doing something she shouldn’t have. So whatever the reason we lost a lot of people. So as a full-timer I’ve been told numerous times that means more weight falls on me to compensate and I try, I really fucking try to do as much as I can. But I’m not physically able to do basically 24 hours worth of work, ie three people’s worth, in one eight hour shift. I can’t and I know that logically. But my brain, and anxiety, tells me I’m fucking up when I don’t manage it every single day I work. Every single day I leave and there are holes on the cut wall my brain tells me I’m a failure and a fuck-up and it’s only a matter of time before I lose my job. It’s not true but it’s hard to convince myself of that.

Three is simple really, it’s just my self-esteem and how it really is shit. I assume everything is my fault if something goes wrong, I assume I fucked up if people don’t talk to me, I assume everything is just me. I assume I’m completely replaceable, I assume I annoy everyone I talk to and that they’re just humoring me.That I’m the wrong one, the fucked up one, the shitty one. This is because of my mother and the fact she was emotionally abusive to me and my brother growing up, and while it took me a long time to actually acknowledge and accept it it doesn’t make it less true. It isn’t anyone’s business how she was just that she was and it messed me up to think the way I do.

I’m still on s.kype and d.iscord, and I’m logged into this tumblr on my phone if anyone wants to ask for the former or let me know if they added me to the latter since I did a drop of my screenname last week.

Rules: we’re snooping upon your playlist. Set your entire playlist on shuffle and report the first 10 tracks that pop up and then choose 10 friends.

TAGGED BY: @falsepsychiic​ sorT OF

Am I The Only One? -- Dierks Bentley

Champion -- Barns Courtney

Lookin' For A Good Time -- Lady Antebellum

Why Don't We Just Dance? -- Josh Turner

Killer Queen -- Queen

Don't Leave Me [Ne Me Quitte Pas] -- Regina Spektor

Báilame -- Nacho

Warmth -- Bastille

Give A Damn -- A Rocket To The Moon

11:59 (Central Standard Time) -- The Railers