An Outlander / Jane Eyre crossover fic
Catch up on chapters 1-10 here
Chapter 11: The Apothecary
Mucking out the stalls one morning after Fergus’ riding lesson, sweat ran in rivulets down Jamie’s back. It wasn’t that the weather was particularly warm — summertime on Shetland certainly wasn’t known for its heat — but the vigour with which he worked saw his jacket discarded and sleeves rolled up to the elbow within a quarter of an hour. As much as Jamie enjoyed even the more manual aspects of his job, the reason for his exertion was less to do with dedication to his employment and more to keep himself from thinking. Specifically to keep from thinking about Claire.
Lately his mind had been filled with anything and everything to do with her. The shade of her hair when struck by the evening sun, the glint in her eye when she told stories of her escapades masquerading as Madame Beauchamp, the soft skin of her décolleté that he longed to trail his mouth across. The ever increasing time spent together certainly hadn’t been helping matters, the easy familiarity of their interactions encouraging the flickering flame of hope that his feelings might be reciprocated. Shoving his pitchfork into another pile of mud and manure filled straw, he tried to escape where his mind was taking him, knowing the thoughts that were about to follow would be the same as always.
You’re not enough for her. You’ll never be enough.
As grateful as Jamie was for all the he’d been provided with since coming to Wolverton Hall, he’d slowly come to realise that without to ability to be true to himself, much less Claire, it was no real life. He loved her and as fervently as he willed it to be otherwise, he was no longer content to exist on the periphery. He wanted to marry Claire, to be a proper father to Fergus and to build a family with them, but with nothing to his name it was a laughable notion. With a frustrated grunt, he hurled the pitchfork to the ground, the metal prongs hitting the stone pavers with an almighty clang. His eyes screwed closed and breathing heavily, he finally gave voice to the answer he’d been dreading.
If I can't be with Claire, then I can't be where she is.
He needed to leave Shetland.
Jamie rubbed his chest with the heel of his hand, heart aching with a pain as real as any he’d received from the lash at the workhouse. He didn’t belong here. Better gather his things and go soon he reasoned, no sense in prolonging the inevitable and only making it harder.
“I hope I’m not interrupting anything?”
