#outet

It honestly started last year when the job that I had where I was getting my income those days. It wasn’t really a job I must say. I just got lucky I guess? I found this group’s post on Facebook last year that says I could get $25 per week without doing anything. All I have to do was have a Facebook account. Which I obviously have. It wasn’t illegal by the way, and I seriously didn’t do anything anymore after they’ve set up what they needed on my account. I indeed got $15 instantly after the set up and another 15 after the second step then the weekly $25 came by for around 4 weeks. On the last week that I got $25, it was the week that I got this interview for the job that my aunt told me about wherein I did apply for. If you want to know more about that experience, you can read that here. So with that at hand during that week, I didn’t get to go online that much to check my e-mails and such hence I’ve read the e-mail of that group to me on a Friday which was their last working day. I contacted them ahead after knowing that there was a problem. We tried solving it, but I was too late, Facebook had blocked the only thing that was giving me some money those times that came from me, from my own perseverance to earn. I was so pissed off that time because it wasn’t even illegal, it wasn’t something that could make the users of Facebook feel bad or something. It was just pure business. But of course Facebook has its way to fuck up others so they said it’s for my account’s safety. How will I argue with that? So that happened, and to make it worse, the company who told me that they would still give me a job even if I wouldn’t pass the recording, didn’t contact me anymore. Not even a text or just e-mail that says, SORRY I WAS JUST LYING. Just kidding, but you know what I’m talking about. It’s not like that company was huge anyway.

Sooooo there’s that.

Those happened during the latter months of September and early weeks of October 2016. If those didn’t happen, those times would’ve been the times that I’d be so hyped with anything already since the Christmas season was just around the corner. But then again, I guess that was the trigger of me going back to my depressed state again. Oh and before I forgot, I also had a seizure attack before all of those happened. So the dosage of meds that I needed to take went higher. My anxiety wasn’t on its worse state after the seizure attack because I’m sure it was because I was proving to everybody that I was fine. That I was good, I was okay, I could have a job despite my condition, I just needed to discipline myself and take my meds on time. And yet after the seizure, the optimism in me started to get eaten up by my anxiety because of the things that have had been happening with the jobs that I thought would let me get to help my father to finance the list of medicine that I need. Symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder started to get more noticeable for me because I know them, I’ve read about them. With that in my mind, my anxiety just got more into me until I said to my aunt that I was living with those times that maybe it would be better if I’ll just stay at Sta. Monica (where my father and some relatives on my father side live) since I couldn’t take the guilt too already that she still had to think of me also every time she goes out of the house. I didn’t tell her that though. To make it simple, the family that I was staying with at the city had trauma too after my attack because it happened inside the C.R. when I was alone taking a dump so obviously the door would be locked. I got to shout before I got unconscious that’s why my aunt’s mom (who was luckily there when it happened) got to hear me and tried her best to open the door because I wasn’t responding already. Couldn’t blame them though. Long story short, I went back to Sta. Monica just to make sure there’d be people that will be around to look after me no matter what happens. Still sucks, but can’t do anything about it since my anxiety is still there in my head, making my insomnia worse. Speaking of anxiety, when I went back here in Sta. Monica, I thought I’d be fine already. I’d feel safer, hence the anxiety attacks I had (which were like one of the worse times of my life) scared the hell out of me that I had to ask my father if we could ask my neuro doctor already for sleeping pills or something. Because the first severe anxiety attack I had when I went back here, I had to wake my cousin (we sleep in the same room) up in the middle of the night because I didn’t know what to do with myself, I couldn’t breathe properly and I just couldn’t feel my body at all anymore. She had to wake up our aunts and my father to ask what to do. And when I saw them, I just cried and cried and cried and yeah. It’s just the worse feeling ever. I have two types of meds now that I’m taking to prevent them and also to make me sleep faster and better. It helps, yes. But with the sleeping part, mostly not.

Dealing with my health happened that’s why I got really spaced out from looking for a time to sit, write a blog and post on here. And while those were all happening from November to January, one of my cousins decided to get married on December (which I also helped out to organize; I did some stuff for her bachelorette party and their invitation for the wedding), my grandmother (mom’s side) decided to spend her Christmas here in the Philippines and to top all of that, Gravity confirmed his visit here on February (you all know that by now if you’re updated on my Instagram or if you’ve read this blog post). Before we all forget though, I had my dreamtag last year which was visiting cafés. So the pending posts of my reviews for the cafés I visited before all those things happened were also in my mind. Little by little, I was adding parts of the dreamtag blogs that I did get to post in a span of 6 months. I think, I only got to write that very short blog about Gravity visiting me was only because I really want to keep a memory of what I was really feeling before I meet him in person. I’m glad that I got to do it actually even though it was one heck of a time. I was seriously struggling to finish that blog because I couldn’t really focus much — anxiety was a bitch, still is for me.

Christmas was fine. I got photos posted during those times on my Facebook and also some on Instagram. I was seriously not in a festive mode during the holidays that’s for sure. I did try to have fun though. As much as I could. Oh and how life loves mocking me, guess what happened on New Year? I got high fever right before we had to go to the church and do the pre-celebration party. There I was, had to stay behind to snuggle in a blanket, shivering and trying not to get everyone worried when I was having an anxiety attack. I called my father up to the room to get me my pills for anxiety though. The rest of January went by too fast because of Gravity’s visit. I think I’ve spent most of my time, if not getting rid of my anxiety, finishing my last dreamtag blog post and writing down what I’ve been feeling while counting down the days until Gravity’s arrival, I was just being depressed.

Depression fades (it doesn’t entirely goes away, it just fades) from me feeling it when I try hard to put myself out there and do something productive. They helped a lot. Seriously a lot, especially last year when I started my dreamtag. But then it just started coming back when I stopped visiting cafés. You know those times when you can tell by your mind that you’re just thinking that you should be happy because some great things are happening in your life but then if you’re done making every one think that you’re happy, you just feel nothing. It was that way. It still is to be honest but I guess I know the way now how to feel productive again and you know, beat the feeling of depression again. I’ve been exercising since late last year. Like my regular therapy-like exercises plus some workout routines to strengthen my body. To be honest, when I don’t get sweaty in a day because of not exercising, I do really feel awful. So yes, that’s the solution to that. For now or for a lifetime since working out is a lifestyle after all.

Now that that problem’s solved... Okay folks, let’s just be clear here. It isn’t just that easy, please understand that. It takes your own willingness to feel better to have that. You see, I guess my first paragraph above is proof enough of that. I wasn’t really sure what to write during those two dates that I first tried. Okay, you know, to be honest, I’ve tried countless times to start writing again. But I just got that fire today. And it’s not even the 28th anymore because it’s now 12:35 am. Yes it’s late. Will I end writing this tonight before I go to bed? Hmm maybe my 2016 self would. But my 2017 self is trying to be healthy and strong so I’ll just continue this later when I wake up.

04-29-17 // 10:01 pm

Yes, I write this late hence I can’t finish a blog in one sitting. I think I have to fix my mind’s schedule now. Anyway, so let’s continue?

This part will be a lighter read already. All my plans and all good things will be on this part of the blog…

First off, I went back to my sane self for quite a bit on early days of January and wrote down stuff that I have to get done this year. Numero uno on that list was to try my best on getting my laptop fixed and it was because I knew that I need to write again. This blog isn’t just because I want to be like those known bloggers out there after all. NO. Definitely not. I think I’ve said this on here countless times already that this blog is my outlet. This is like my diary. I know I don’t have regular readers, but writing my thoughts and putting all of it out here helps me a lot to feel good and complete. I need my solitude and writing. This time that I get to have so I could write my thoughts out, I wouldn’t trade this for all the updated vlogs that I could watch in my subscription list on Youtube.

Speaking of Youtube, I’ve been hooked on watching vlogs already. I think it all started when I checked Laureen Uy’s Youtube Channel last year then after that, I came across a video on Instagram which was very funny and it was a clip from one of the videos of Liza Koshy on Youtube. Because of those two women, I decided to search and learn the ins and outs about the site. Hence I made an account on Youtube and that’s so I could subscribe to these women’s channels and be updated with their videos. From that moment, the people that I am subscribed to just kept on growing day after day.

Then out of the blue after watching the vlogs of Wil Dasovich, Daniel Marsh, Casey Neistat and Pewdiepie for over a month every day, I was like ‘What if I’ll just vlog? It’ll be much easier than writing all these words out of my head?’ Well obviously, that thought didn’t work out. I still like the idea though and some of my friends back in high school know how much I love recording videos and editing them to make them this one piece of film to remember the good times. I’d still do it somehow though but I wouldn’t pressure myself on it anymore. I know for a fact anyway that I have a passion on it, I just have to prioritize some things as of the moment. And blogging is what I need now more than ever.

I public have playlists on there though. You can just check them out for now.

With that said, I actually have numbers of titles here on my drafts already for the next couple of blogs that will be up soon. So be excited for those if you’ve reached reading up to here. The blog about my thoughts of finally meeting Gravity will probably be up next after this. Then a different blog will be up for all the plans that I have for this year. Yes, I decided that that will be on a separate blog post already. And of course, the 2017 Dreamtag, we should not forget about that. And if time and fate would allow it, there will might be a surprise soon. Who knows? Life is full of surprises after all.

I’ll just end this post right here, I guess? :)