#outburst

I dreamt of you calling me, telling me everything that had happened to you. But, of course, the words sounded muffled, since I didn't know what had actually happened in reality. I listened in silence, and when you stopped speaking, I simply replied "I understand," without saying "I'm sorry" or anything else. I did it simply to give you room to breathe. Yet I still showed you interest, genuine interest. Just as I always have. Because I never stopped. In any case, that is how I would handle it in real life, too. I know how to listen and understand without applying pressure. Not anymore. If you decide to reach out to me again, I’ll show you how I’ve changed. I don’t waste opportunities. I know I might have seemed pushy, because I was hoping you’d reply right away. But I swear, it was just the excitement of the moment. I was happy you’d reached out, but, I admit, impatient to hear from you again. Still, I swear, even if you had spoken to me, I wouldn’t have pressured you or acted the way I did a while back. In any case, if you decide to do it, I will truly listen to you, but without dwelling on the past. Let’s leave that behind us. What’s done is done. It really doesn’t matter anymore. It hasn’t mattered to me for a very, very long time; that’s also why I wanted to close this blog. Because it belongs to the past. Because it doesn’t matter what happened, you just have to look ahead and think about the future. Maybe I was a bit harsh about some things yesterday, but I felt hurt, as if you had shut me out again. But reading everything over, I understand now. In any case, I don’t know if you’ll do it, or if I’ll ever have that opportunity. But I hope so anyway. You know I do a lot of introspection. I did quite a bit of it last night, so much so that I didn't get to sleep until 3 a.m. I’m capable of reflection and understanding. Anyway, I’m really taking care of myself these days. I’m training hard, and I have plenty of projects in mind, though I’m not talking about them yet because I want to put them into action first. I just hope you’re taking care of yourself, too. I’m staying positive☺️🍀✨️

Something truly awful happened today. I know I just have to grit my teeth and keep going, but I’m exhausted. I felt terrible. I cried like I’ve never cried before in my life. Now I can’t sleep, but I keep telling myself that everything is and will be okay. And I really hope so... I’m staying optimistic🍀But one question keeps swirling in my head... why don't men understand that when a woman says no, it means no? I thought he understood, but given what he did, I now realize he didn't. Maybe he truly gets it now, seeing as he apologized... but I doubt it. In the meantime, I’m venting here, where no one knows me or my story.

Today I realized I've let off a lot of steam. I needed it, given... given the situation. I won't deny that sometimes I'm afraid it might really end badly. Grit my teeth and stay strong... that's all I have left. And the thought that it will all be over soon and that I'll have my independence also comforts me. Unfortunately, something else bad happened to me. But I really don't want to talk about it. I'm just writing this to vent and let some of the pain go away. I'll most likely have nightmares, I'll definitely not sleep, but it doesn't matter. It will end✨️🍀