#our system

for people with DID (& similar conditions) specifically, alters activity can be mapped in the brain. to that end, alters are part of one brain. to some, that means that means alters are parts of one person. but that's not how every system is going to feel.

in our system, we see ourselves as different neural pathways that together make up the appearance of one person, but it's more like we're... variants of a person who doesn't really exist. kind of like how there's the OG character and the AU character. they're the same character but not the same person and the person doesn't really exist.

some people see this as being parts of one person, others don't. if someone understands their system as being multiple people instead of parts, don't correct them! if someone understands their system as being parts of one person, don't correct them! if someone uses terms other than alter (ex: headmate, sysmate, etc), don't correct them!

I think the weirdest one was when I (as in just me) literally got ripped away from myself and ended up in another in-system body. But like not in control, like a completely different person. I thought it was a split, but weirdly enough I kept control of the body and slept it off and woke up normal again? And I was talking to a different alter when it happened. I just remember I was saying I wanted to change my name and internally being really confused because I don’t. And then I just ended up in a completely different step of our mind that I’d never been in before. Also, I told the alter I was speaking to about it and she said she didn’t notice anything out of the ordinary with me. I just kept talking normally.

Actually a few had to do with names. Breq told me she wanted to change her name to Abigail but something just felt kinda off and everything was blurry. I was having trouble distinguishing between my thoughts and her words and the next morning she was Breq again but now I feel weird whenever I think about the name Abigail. Haven’t heard from anyone though.

PT below cut

this is our art of our caine tulpa Caindy Cecylia. Google thinks she is a love child of vox, valentino & velvette lmao.

breasts: REMOVE. double incision, ideally w/the scar in one line (no break between breasts). no nips. need all the tattoo real estate and i hate nipples they squick me out and give me massive dysphoria. also i do not want to even deal with the possibility of them falling off. or getting infected. or needing revision.

upper arms/hips/thighs/butt: SMALLER. much smaller. so much fucking smaller. i still want a high waist:hip ratio tho bc i love that for me. i have batwings and i want them gone bc my brain tells me thats a feminine feature (probably bc women are shamed for them more. didnt even occur to me cis perisex men can get them)

voice: ANDROGYNOUS. in a bit of a pickle tho bc im plural and different alters have different voices. like jules has a fem voice, jamie has a neutral one. matt and jordan have masc voices, with jordan's being the lowest.

jawline: more square and angular. my jaw is actually really small (and receeded) bc im a mutant (connective tissue disorder caused my mouth to be too small for my face/tongue actually) but i digress - im glad for the fat around my face for filling out my jaw.

hands: they're so tiny. child sized. bc im a little person (depending on who you ask). nothing i can do about it though. f

body hair: LESS PLEASE GOD. i do want to still have some bc it's fun being cheeky (fuck you to the patriarchy), but i dont want it covering every square inch of my body like it does now. i'd like to lighten the hair on my limbs.

facial hair: mixed feelings! i think i like how much i have right now since it just gives me a soft & light mustache. but i dont like my neck or jaw facial hair really. sideburns are okay. i like pulling on them to see my skin stretch off of my face lol. but i shaved a few weeks ago so they're gone. which is fine.

height: love hate relationship. people have always said im cute/adorable for being so short. and i like being cute/adorable. but i dont like being infantilized and. people who assume im a little boy until they see my chest have given me the dirtiest looks. i feel a lot of shame & fear over being short.

stomach: yeah i do feel shame over how fat i am but. i genuinely feel dysphoria about my stomach. i do not want the stomach hair my genes gave me. if it were a neat, light happy trail i'd take it, but it's not. it's like. the same distribution as on my legs. also the shape of it gives me dysphoria. i think i have a B or apron belly (cant remember which) and so i guess i associate it with femininity like with batwings.

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so given all that, maybe my GP was right that low dose T isn't for me - at least not right now. the bulk of my dysphoria is from my body shape/fat distribution and how hairy i am. so going on T would help the body shape over time, but i would still need surgery and it would just give me more body hair especially since to keep body fat redistribution you have to stay on T.

private area: clitorophallus release w/ circumcision, labia reduction, pubic mound reduction. basically: free my dick from its flesh prison but dont fuck with the inside that sounds painful and im not doing that

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i guess my first step really should be top surgery. the next step would be body masculinization surgery.

then, now that we have less surface area, a lot of electrolysis.. if my skin can handle it. IDK how electrolysis impacts defective connective tissue.

and THEN there is space for all the tattoos i want. i may get medical tattoos for nipples if i end up not liking the look (but i dont think that'll be necessary). other than that, ink me up in black and gray :)

the last thing would be bottom surgery if i choose - it is something i could live without (unlike top surgery), but it would give me so much gender euphoria.

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i really do think i'd be happier with a flat chest that i can just. slap a bra and insert into. i would get a radical reduction but i dont wanna have to wear a bra and i wanna be able to take my shirt off outside.

then again, no cis guy has a perfectly flat chest, so i guess i would want a bit of fat left over, just no breast tissue.

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hmm. ok! TL;DR, my ideal transition in order:

Top Surgery: Double incision, no nipple grafts

Bottom Surgery: Clitoral release, mons resection, removal of excess skin

Body Surgery: Lipo on hips, ass, thighs, stomach, and upper arms. Androgynous build w/my slutty waist retained.

Electrolysis: All over. Start with back, chest, stomach, and upper arms. Once happy with that, lighten up hair on limbs, but dont remove all of it.

Tattoos: Artistic, maybe medical

Dysphoria Aids: Prosthetics (A cup breast forms, silicone nipples, & a small packer for a small person ♡)

I tried to write this in a way that was not disparaging myself for being fat and I dont think I did perfect but I am proud of myself for trying.

. ₊˚ ☎︎₊˚✧ ﾟ. The Hub . ݁₊ ✶. ݁ ˖ˎˊ˗

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Our current host is Vinaara, but you can just call her Vin. She's the one who does the most posting on here. Our co-host Moon is likely the second most often spotted fronter.

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