tw: manipulation of a young person or whatever, grooming, cultlike behavior, abuse, online harassment, bullying
so this is my real story for my time online since ppl really wanna know (some is redacted for the privacy of others and myself)
im not joking when i say trans subreddits were better than tumblr when i first started going on social media like genuinely most people in r/traa or r/mtf or r/transfem or r/transgender understood transmisogyny (because it was mostly TMA/TMC in them) and most were fine with ppl using TME/TMA in those spaces
there was definitely a lot of issues with it being reddit of course
but its prob at least part of what helped me come out to my mom having an online support system genuinely helped me so much even if some of the people were annoying abt shit that didnt matter like me using it/its or whatever
and then i went on tumblr for the first time around the age of [REDACTED] and got pushed into tMRA spaces bc for the most part i couldnt find trans people like me
and eventually i accepted that shit as true because everyone around me (online and irl) was saying it was and i didnt wanna be wrong
i believed every callout post unquestioningly i supported known abusers (i didnt know they were abusers at the time) as long as they were transmasc and perpetrated so much transmisogyny
then i discovered "radqueer" a like a year after that it was amazing it was like "mogai" on steroids i thought i finally found a community for me
it was (and prob still is) mostly transmascs
but at the time i didnt care because they were accepting of all my insecurities and harm i had perpetrated and said its okay to be you no matter what!
i finally got super sad when one of supermutuals who always supported me (as long as i supported him) was termed for posting something abt the [REDACTED] for people who had "paraphilias" he ran or something (i had screenshoted this post before he was termed)
i was sad and alone trying to fill that hole left by no longer being able to interact with him but i tried to just stay on tumblr because it was one of the only things i had and i had deleted my original reddit so i had nothing else tbh
had a major suicide attempt and saw one of the longest hate asks ive ever gotten when i got out of being hospitalized
i became increasingly more into the idea of "supporting everyone" (what i now call the "everyone is valid" narrative) and making that more and more clear over and over i eventually got termed for this
at the time i was in a very mentally ill state due to being entirely unmedicated (this is important)
i got termed like at least 20 times after that but before that... i decided to look into this instance that he ran... i found the link in the post typed it into the search bar... (this is where everything went wrong) i at the time was in denial of my own paraphilias and believed them to be a form of OCD rumination (even tho i had these attractions for many years at this point)
i found the community enjoyable but i felt like it wasnt "radical" enough like no real change will come from this space like it needed to be more accepting
i discovered some people on other adjacent sites (which are all gone now thank fuck) that identified with the label "pro-contact" at the time i identified as "anti-contact" but throughout interactions where i was constantly pressed on why i was "anti-youthlib" or "believed that children couldnt engage because of their inferiority" because of this harassment and manipulation i started to call myself "contact-neutral" because the constant pressure made me feel like a bigot for stating boundaries that "contact-neutral" got people more mad however and it later became... "pro-contact"
the former supermutual made a callout post abt me around this time
this is where everything becomes a blur i can assume i did horrible shit but honestly i dont remember that time at all tbh
then after abt 21 termed accounts i decided this blog will be a blog abt bigotry against transfems (because i wanted to prove it was less than what transmascs experienced) i called it "this-is-transgynephobia" to be a direct inverse of the term transandrophobia and because all the users in the "transmisogyny" tag were "transandrophobes" one day some tgirl sent me "HAL" and "BHAL" while i was arguing with her abt who was "affected by transmisogyny" i decided since i realized i wasnt very well read on the topic to read them both...
it moved me it somehow described my experience and the experience i had seen other transfems go thru around me perfectly
i deactivated the blog "this-is-transgynephobia"
i decided id try to hear out the people i had been ignoring (my own group) i made a blog named [REDACTED] and realized around this time that i had finally found community that would accept me (at least somewhat)
i coasted in this space for awhile and began to understand the importance of understanding transmisogyny as a force in the world that affected us
i realized around this time that "radqueer" spaces were terrible and horrifyingly bigoted
then i got marked green on shinigami eyes and realized i was happy with my change in my understanding of everything
then ISFF posted a post from a friend of her advocating for [REDACTED] to be more accepted i lost some people along the way by reblogging it but most stuck around
the rest is known and bears no need to repeat other than that i made a lot of enemies but some friends also!
then i took a break and came back
took a little bit and then came back
and now i am this (whatever this is)
