#original procedure

One of the most annoying aspects of driving is the sheer number of mindless animals that will jump into the middle of the street right in front of your car without giving you any time to react. Not only does it result in splattered guts all over my windshield that almost always draws police attention, but their flattened, crushed carcasses are also unusable for any actual useful experiments.

Hm? Who ever told you that I "experiment evilly on orphans"? That would be extraordinarily unethical. What I do is provide shelter, food, and love for those unfortunate enough to have nobody left to care for them out of the goodness of my heart, and as thanks, they often volunteer to help me with my work. There are many people who would like to see me made out as a villain, but these orphans are like my children; I could never mistreat them. Just last week, I managed to reunite one of them with her pet dog after she helped with one of my more... uncertain experiments.

Letting my pet mosquito free roam around the lab. She may land on you. Don't worry. She is just sucking your blood for me- I mean for nutrition.

Subjects that misbehave get turned into goo and then have to sit in a glass jar on my desk positioned in such a way that they can stare only at the framed intestines decorating my office walls.

Here at Evil Laboratories™, our eyewash stations shoot out hydrochloric acid (75% concentration) in jet mode instead of regular water, as a prank and as a lesson to our lab team to maintain proper lab safety. Also, this system did not come pre-installed; I was the one assigned to oversee its implementation, and came annoyingly close to legal trouble with the contracted technician company when it inquired about the disappearance of its three employees sent to our lab.

(YOU ARE TIED DOWN TO MY VIVISECTION TABLE VIA BELT STRAPS) What's wrong? Your expression is quite panicked. Don't worry. Nothing will happen. (CHAINSAW REVVING SOUND EFFECT)

Hm? My suddenly acid green pupil and black sclera and the blood on my face? What are you talking about? I have always had green-red heterochromia. Have you never noticed before? ... What was I doing in the slime experiment's chamber? I was administering its daily shots; What other reason could I possibly have? ... No, I am not possessed or otherwise infected, and you may not run any screenings on me. That would be a violation of my privacy. Regardless, the laboratory is closing now, and I must make my exit. Goodbye. Stop following me.

The deep brown liquid filling the Erlenmeyer is not coffee, and no scientist under any circumstances should take a sip from it while claiming that it is "The SuperCaffine1450 CannonBlaster." This will kill you. In any case, no drink is allowed near the experimental setup, and I should not have to say any of this in the first place.